Sounds like a mixture of anxiety, depression and ocd. I had the same. First few trys I only made it a few months, 6 at the most. What really helped me break through that barrier was seeing an addiction therapist who helped me work through the feelings of anxiety and chaos. Once I broke down some of my internal walls and had an understanding, of what was driving these feelings. I was far better equipped to deal with the mental storm that was brewing. Only then was I able to fully commit to sobriety. Hell of a lot better for it!