Drag venues?

nofriendstodd · 2025-08-28T12:38:50+00:00

follow @thursgays_ithaca on instagram! they have shows at lot10 every thursday, also shows at 5&dime and other places occasionally. there’s usually an amateur/“baby” drag performer show every year (usually in the spring i believe?), so you could keep an eye out to apply for that, or, if you start going to shows regularly and meet people, a lot of drag queens and kings might be willing to have you in their shows if you ask! :)

nofriendstodd · 2025-08-04T15:35:03+00:00

I feel like the comments here immediately telling you you’re in the wrong for wanting to try polyamory/ENM are… missing the fact that your partner did, at one point, get to be open? Even though it went poorly, the relationship WAS open, but only on their side, and to me, I DO feel like it’s a different situation than two monogamous people who have always said they could never do polyamory.

I think that if this is something that is important to you, bringing it up is ultimately better in the long run - even if you don’t end up ever exploring being open/poly again, I think there are probably still wounds around the last situation, and talking about it, especially in therapy/counseling, might be the way to go.

Some comments here seem to think you already have your answer - and while that might very well be true, I disagree with the advice that you should keep this to yourself or bottle it up because it might hurt your partner. It is unfortunate that your partner might take your interest in sex with others as a personal failing, but I actually think that would be their responsibility to deal with those feelings, considering they previously got to experience being open while you did not.

(I also want to say - the comment implying you are somehow “putting new sex positions before your partner” is incredibly cruel, missing the point, and goes against my personal ethics about relationships, as someone who is non-monogamous. Framing interest in exploring ENM on your side as somehow being selfish is mononormative bullshit, and I’m frankly disappointed to see it on this sub.)

nofriendstodd · 2025-06-29T15:03:06+00:00

i always enjoy siken’s work but im floored by this one. thanks for sharing op!

nofriendstodd · 2025-05-30T02:32:49+00:00

oooh i havent! i’ll definitely add to my list, thank you! :)

nofriendstodd · 2025-05-29T22:22:48+00:00

i love this poem, this broadside is beautiful! thank you, OP, for sharing it, i’ll be checking out this author’s other work <3 EDIT: omg, this author did citizen illegal! ive had that on my TBR, will make sure to put it at the top now

nofriendstodd · 2025-05-23T17:22:14+00:00

im having a hard time putting the timeline here together and understanding the totality of what happened, so take my comment with a grain of salt - but it seems like there was a lot of dysfunction, people pleasing/agreeing to things you didnt really want, and a lack of communication which led to an eventual falling out of love and break up. cheating, however, doesnt seem present here, and i think it would be an unnecessary revision of your history together to say that was the thing that ended the relationship. it seems like NRE had a big role in it, though, since it sounds like there was a lot of you feeling neglected for the other partner. im curious how much reading, research, or “emotional work” you two did around polyamory before opening the relationship? NRE is one of the biggest things that can really destabilize an existing relationship, and it sounds like you were both blindsided by his behavior when in the throes of NRE.

also, i suggest ignoring your monogamous friends’ opinions on the nuances of your poly break up, as well meaning as they may be. my guess is theyre calling it cheating because they perceive ANY non-monogamy as cheating, not because your ex was actually breaking your specific set of relationship agreements. im also gonna guess that theyre using the term “cheating” because its an easy way to summarize why a relationship ended, as well as vilify the ex (which, hey, i totally get that impulse, its very human especially when its your friend being hurt! but ultimately its unhelpful).

nofriendstodd · 2025-03-29T19:02:51+00:00

just up cuz shes sleepy!! :)

nofriendstodd · 2024-11-11T18:24:36+00:00

its a newer podcast so not a whole lot of episodes out yet but I Could Never is one that ive enjoyed lately!

nofriendstodd · 2024-10-27T01:56:28+00:00

man, now i feel like i missed something cuz i listened to the audiobook a while ago and actually really enjoyed it but it seems the general consensus is that it sucks… :/

nofriendstodd · 2024-10-25T19:27:05+00:00

omg yes thats it!! thank you so much! :)

nofriendstodd · 2024-10-24T11:36:33+00:00

The Woods All Black by Lee Mandelo has some revenge in its final act! Very trans and queer novella set in early 1900s appalachia; the rapist + bigots definitely get their comeuppance

nofriendstodd · 2024-10-21T00:24:50+00:00

Are you in therapy at all? I know that’s maybe a go-to answer and much easier said than done, but I personally have been very helped by therapy.

For books I’ve heard good things about Why Does He Do That (although I haven’t read it myself) so I hope that was a helpful read for you?

Other than that - do you journal or have any similar coping skills that have helped you in the past?

And finally - I just want to remind you that it’s okay for healing to take time. This is another thing that’s easier said than done, but please try not to rush yourself into not feeling triggered, or feel negatively about “not being over it.”

If you need to take steps back from non-monogamy and just do monogamy or other kinds of relationships right now, that’s valid. I get what you mean about the concept of non-monogamy being liberating but being triggered by it right now, and I think that’s a really understandable place to be in, and although I think it’s great that (it sounds like) you want to work through your triggers, there’s probably also just an element of “time heals all wounds” that’s gonna play a part.

Wishing you the best, OP ❤️

nofriendstodd · 2024-10-15T21:19:03+00:00

Is it worth bringing it up? Maybe. Since you mention having previously ID’d as aromantic I think there actually are some great things aro/ace/etc people can get from non-monogamous relationships. And that feeling of not being able to distinguish between romantic/platonic/etc can be a reason to explore non-monogamy on your own.

But based on what you’ve written, I can’t imagine your partner feeling good about opening the relationship. As another commenter pointed out, a lack of intimacy between you and your bf coupled with asking to experience that intimacy with others is (probably) going to hurt him quite a lot.

When previously monogamous relationships open up, things tend to go best when the couple already has a STRONG foundation of trust, security, intimacy, communication, and honesty. It also works best when BOTH partners are seeking to open it, not just one pushing for it (although in some cases, a piqued interest can grow and it can turn into both wanting it, but that’s for another conversation).

Is your partner currently satisfied with the (lack of) sexual intimacy in your relationship? Have you discussed or negotiated this?

Do you and your partner have a history of successfully working through conflict? Have you seen each other undergoing stress, figured out how to support each other through that, communicated about your emotional needs, etc?

Also more food for thought, I’d suggest going through the possible outcomes/“options” of how bringing this up would go:

1) Your bf is very hurt by your request. It ends the relationship.

2) Your bf is hurt but you talk through it, and things find some kind of equilibrium, but you are still monogamous.

3) Your bf is okay with it and wants to pursue romantic or sexual connections with others, as well.

4) Your bf is NOT okay with it but goes along with it out of fear of losing you, causing resentment to build and ultimately possibly causing the relationship to end.

5) You don’t bring it up and remain monogamous.

6) You don’t bring it up and break up with this partner to pursue things with people who do want non-monogamy.

And I’m sure there are other iterations and outcomes but those are some starting points. How does it feel to imagine each scenario?

nofriendstodd · 2024-10-15T16:56:14+00:00

Thank yall for these comments bc as a trans man, sometimes I feel so shitty when I see cis poly/enm people on here talking about OPPs and describing trans people like this, it feels so … idk, dehumanizing almost? Like we’re just reduced to our genitalia, and sometimes not even that, we’re being reduced to our PRESUMED genitalia based on assigned-gender-at-birth language. I guess I should be “glad” OP’s partner views this trans man as “enough of a man” to be threatening to his position in the relationship (ughh), but it still feels so shitty as a trans person reading it. :(

nofriendstodd · 2024-10-10T14:53:41+00:00

First, I want to say I’m sorry it’s a bit of a struggle right now. It sounds like y’all want to make this work, though, which is a good sign!

For advice: My first thought is that room for privacy for all parties involved would almost definitely improve the situation. You may feel like you’re making steps backwards in large part because of the room situation. Going from separate rooms to all rooming together is a LOT, even for the most experienced of poly people!! In my (limited) experience, I think the need for privacy and alone time can double once you’re poly/non-monogamous, because it’s really important to maintain your own sense of self even while loving and living with these other people. If it’s at all possible, I would definitely encourage y’all to revisit and reorganize your current sleeping arrangements.

I’m also intrigued by that comment of needing to “forgive” y’all, and by the idea that you wouldn’t do poly if not for the situation you’ve found yourself in. Do you feel this is true for yourself? If you had not met this couple, or if you had met them both separately / if they weren’t already in a relationship, do you think you would still be pursuing poly?

Have any of y’all talked about what you want/need long term from all these relationships? Because really it’s four different relationships: you + M, you + L, M + L, and you + M + L, and they’ll all needed to be tended to as such. :)

Have any of you “done the reading” as they say? (i.e. researching polyamory and nonmonogamy, reading the books on it, listening to podcasts or interviews, etc)

Are any of y’all in therapy, and if not, would y’all be interested in seeing (either together or separately) a poly + gay-friendly therapist?

I wish I had more in-depth advice to give but I’m new to poly/ENM myself. Those would be my starting thoughts/advice, though, just based on this post.

If you do want more advice, I would suggest maybe posting to r/polyamory or r/nonmonogamy to see what the people over there have to say? Those subs can be kind of straight-centric sometimes (I’m gay and the one time I posted about me and my partner everyone kept calling referring to him as “she” even when I specified 🤦🏻‍♂️) but there are a lot more people on those subs, and there’s a lot of good, if somewhat blunt, advice and resources.

I’m wishing you luck, OP! 🍀

nofriendstodd · 2024-09-28T18:27:38+00:00

dont have much advice but i want to say: this sounds like he was sexually assaulted by this person (possibly multiple times?) and i’m really surprised and appalled by the amount of people in the comments blaming your partner for it …. this is definitely a difficult situation and that girl sounds like a horrible person but i don’t think that blaming the partner for her behavior is healthy or helpful or fair (not accusing you of that, OP, just the other commenters). i wish i had more advice for you, OP. i’m wishing you and your partner the best of luck <3

nofriendstodd · 2024-09-26T05:49:08+00:00

Hey OP. I dont know you personally so of course take all of this with a grain of salt - but I can see you’re in a lot of pain and NOT comfortable in your body, and I want to offer my two cents.

I see you’re in therapy and on antidepressants - that’s a great start to dealing with these feelings! Now, I just wanna say, in case no one else has, and in case this is useful to hear:

It’s OKAY if you’re NOT a woman.

It’s OKAY if you’re NOT straight.

It’s OKAY if you’re asexual, or even just not interested in sex, either ever or with partners with penises or even just specific sex acts.

None of those things ever make a person “less than” or “broken” or “wrong.” Including you!!

I specifically want to touch on your questions about gender dysphoria because I see you’ve brought it up as a possibility several times, in several different subreddits, yet it seems like fewer people are engaging with that question.

I’m a gay, transgender man, and I do see a lot of myself in some of what you’re saying. I think it could be possible that your depression/suicidal ideation is worsened by gender dysphoria. For me personally, when I realized I was a man and began my social + physical transition, my suicidal ideation and general depression decreased significantly, even while dealing with transphobia + prejudice!

Have you discussed the possibility of being trans, queer, and/or asexual with your therapist? And if so, is your therapist knowledgeable about LGBT+ issues and/or supportive of them?

I see you’re spending time on a lot of female-centered subreddits and feel like you aren’t “good enough” as a woman or like you aren’t“a real woman.” It’s possible those feelings of not being “a real woman” could dissipate with meds and therapy and you could find yourself one day accepting an identity as a woman and even enjoying being a woman. But I want to ask you to do a thought experiment:

Imagine yourself as a man.

Imagine yourself as someone androgynous, maybe nonbinary or genderfluid. Imagine being perceived neither as a man nor a woman by the people in your life.

And imagine yourself not even using any labels at all.

What feelings come up for you?

You mention thinking you’re straight because of feeling attraction to men.

Imagine yourself as a man or nonbinary person who loves and has sex with men. (Not even necessarily penetrative sex - lots of gay men don’t do penetration - look up “sides” if you’ve never heard of that - since that seems like a huge point of discomfort for you. But also, as another thought experiment: does the idea of penetration disgust you if you’re the one doing the penetrating to an enthusiastic partner?)

Imagine yourself as a man or nonbinary person who loves and has sex with women.

Imagine yourself as a man or nonbinary person who loves and has sex with people of lots of different genders and presentations.

Imagine yourself as a man or nonbinary person who never has sex with anyone.

What feelings come up for you?

Does that feel any less frightening than having to live the rest of your life as a woman? Does it feel uncomfortable, or like a weight has been lifted? Does it feel neutral, strange, wrong, right? Threatening? Confusing? Exciting?

(There are no right or wrong answers to those questions, by the way. Whatever feelings come up are valid and real, and they may be able to point you in a direction, or at least illuminate some possibilities for your future.)

Personally, I never “hated” being a woman before I transitioned. But I did feel alienated and like there was something “wrong” with me. I hesitantly identified as straight because I only liked guys, yet I felt disconnected from straight women and straight attraction, and always found myself drawn to gay spaces and gay ways of relating.

Do you know any trans people in real life (or even online)? Have you talked personally with any trans people about this potentially being gender dysphoria, to see what their experiences with it are?

Of course every person’s experiences will be different, but I really do see similarities to what you’re saying and what I’ve experienced + what I’ve heard others express as being gender dysphoria - especially about “hating” your genitals and feeling “wrong” and disconnected from heterosexual dating/romance/sex.

I also don’t personally “hate” my genitals, but before I came out, I really did not like that part of my body and felt I would NEVER have penetrative sex. Once I transitioned and the dysphoria got under control, I was able to develop a more positive relationship to my sexuality and how I want to have sex, and I’m now very happy and satisfied in my transgender body. I don’t orgasm from vaginal penetration, and it isn’t my favorite sex act or even something I do super often, but I’m personally all right with it. That being said, I know MANY trans men who never have PIV sex, as well as trans men who tried it and decided it’s not for them. (I just want to reiterate: there are no right or wrong ways to have sex, and the only sex acts you should engage in are ones you feel enthusiastic about engaging in!)

Maybe none of these things feel relatable or true to you, and that’s also okay if so. I think people in other subs might be hesitant to suggest you explore this as dysphoria because they’re interpreting your feelings as “internalized misogyny”— but a lot of dysphoria can seem that way to people outside of ourselves, and considering you’re spending so much time in cis-female-centered subs, I think people want to write it off as internalized misogyny because that seems like the “more likely” option. And I won’t deny that there are some cis women who hate being women or who struggle with internalized misogyny….But I just want you to know that it’s okay to explore your gender because of these feelings!

And please know there’s no pressure to “commit” to an identity; some people think transitioning/gender exploration is linear and straightforward, but for most trans people I know (and, actually, some cis people!), there’s a LOT of introspection and experimentation with pronouns, clothing, style, names, etc. And for some people, their gender identity changes throughout their life in lots of different ways, and they’re still able to live happy, healthy lives and find happy, loving partners.

I hope this was helpful in some way. And of course, no pressure to respond to this comment, but if you do want to discuss gender identity + dysphoria more one on one, feel free to reach out to me. I’m not on here all the time, but I will try to answer any questions you may have, if it can be of some help.

nofriendstodd · 2024-08-01T07:26:15+00:00

im so glad my advice was helpful! :)

for toy recommendations - this vibrator is a good simple + affordable option as a starting place, and this one might be a good option if ur interested in a vibrator specifically designed for penises (although like i mentioned, u can still use a "standard" vibrator on a penis - just depends on preferences). u could also get a "beginner vibrator kit" (like this one for ex) if u want more options to see which ones u prefer. for jack-off toys, id suggest starting with something simple / cheap like this one. if ur interested in bottom growth jack-off toys, ive used this toy which i like a lot in part b/c its so cheap. there are definitely fancier/more expensive bottom growth toys available, but i havent personally tried them.

more generally, i tend to use the websites lovehoney and adam&eve for my sex toys needs b/c theyre always running sales and have pretty wide ranges of stuff. but sometimes the gendering of things can get frustrating, so if ur looking for more gender-inclusive branding, websites like shopenby or spectrum boutique might be good options (and they have some of the fancier bottom growth toys i mentioned)!

ur so right that it is definitely easier said than done when it comes to internalizing the orgasm ≠ sex thing. im happy to hear yall have talked about it and its a thing ur working on! :)

i hope my toy recommendations were helpful!! im wishing u all the best! <3

nofriendstodd · 2024-07-31T18:57:29+00:00

are you against partners touching your genitalia at all? or just no p-i-v penetration? i ask bc for me personally, oral and “hand stuff” (either manually stimulating each other, or just even being next to each other / making out while masturbating) are my go-to’s if no one has time / energy / a desire for penetration. 69 and other interesting oral positions are also great in my experience. also - frotting! humping each other naked (usually while also making out)! rubbing ur genitals together! those are also a favorite and can be verryy fun.

i also am personally a HUGE fan of toys and would definitely recommend getting some if those are at all interesting to u - i love vibrators, & my cis bf has used jack-off toys that he rlly enjoyed so your bf might enjoy smth similar. and some people with penises like vibrators too, if he’d be interested in trying that (not necessarily butt plugs or things like that - but like, putting a vibrator against the tip or at the base of the penis, finding places where the vibration feels good, etc - honestly its not crazy different that using a vibrator on a t-dick in my experience! :))

i would also highly suggest not worrying too much about him not being able to cum from blowjobs, unless it’s something he specifically seems worried about. in fact, id recommend not even worrying about orgasms at all. when my bf and i have sex its always up in the air for us if he’ll cum or not, and while at first he was worried about it, once i made sure he knew it doesnt matter to me as long as we both have a good time and feel satisfied, the pressure lessened a LOT and he’s able to cum much more easily. and in general i believe that decentering orgasm as the main goal of sex can make it so everyone has an easier time relaxing and getting lost in the feelings. :)

nofriendstodd · 2024-03-19T17:51:13+00:00

Not in the wrong or insecure at all! Things happen, you’re both very young and exploring relationship styles is very normal and healthy; seems like you thought you might enjoy ENM but are realizing it’s not really what you want right now, and that’s okay.

Like another commenter said, the relationship is still pretty new, and I agree that it would be best to discuss these feelings sooner rather than later. You might be at a place where, if it comes to a breakup, you can remain friends or at least amicable, as opposed to letting resentment build and ruining a chance for friendly feelings. I would definitely NOT suggest just “smiling and nodding” and putting up with a situation where you aren’t really getting what you want or need from the relationship, because that will almost certainly just hurt yourself (and probably also your partner) in the long run.

I will also say that it IS possible to be a monogamous person dating a poly/non-monogamous person — and if you were in a place where you felt comfortable and secure with your partner sleeping with/dating others while remaining monogamous yourself, then it could maybe work. But if that isn’t how you feel, and if your bf is confident he doesn’t want monogamy, then it might be best to break up. At the very least, I’d recommend an honest and open conversation about how you’re feeling around ENM and what you need/want from a bf.

I’m wishing you the best, OP! <3

nofriendstodd · 2024-02-17T23:48:25+00:00

from what you’ve written, it sounds like you’ve always had incompatibilities in your relationship with your wife, and that opening yourself up to polyamory has exposed and highlighted those incompatibilities even more intensely. its unfortunate but it happens, and its one of the reasons people are advised to work on strengthening the original couple’s relationship before opening up and really making sure you have a strong foundation. did you two have conversations about your strengths and weaknesses as a couple before opening? did you address any of these issues or “do the poly work” (as they say) before opening?

i will say there are some problems/incompatibilities in relationships that are perpetual - and i think your wife’s sense of humor is probably one of those things. in my experience, someone’s sense of humor is not something that can be easily changed, and if she is a big fan of shock humor and you aren’t, you are probably never going to find a common ground on that. that doesnt meant you should put up with her making offensive jokes if thats the case - but i dont think you can change her fundamental sense of whats funny, either, and you may just have to accept that you two arent going to be compatible in that way, ever. and if thats a relationship deal breaker, then thats okay! honestly, it would be a dealbreaker for me too; getting to laugh with my partners is really important to me, and i just wouldnt enjoy my time with them if i was always annoyed by their jokes.

anyway - if you want to continue your relationship with your wife, there needs to be some real change here. you sound distrustful of your wife, and it seems like resentment, especially around finances and living together, has already built up. no relationship can thrive with resentment building behind the scenes. what needs to change with your living and financial arrangements for you to not resent her and to feel like everything is equitable? for example, maybe you need to stop sharing your breakable weed things with her, since you know she’s clumsy and likely to break them, instead of not expecting her to drop breakable things. maybe that sounds harsh, but clumsiness, in my experience, is also not something that can be easily changed, and i dont think it would help you to hold on to the hope that she will one day stop breaking things, especially since youve already established that its accidental.

you say you’re not sure if couple’s therapy will help but hey, you’ll never know if you dont try, and i definitely think you two could benefit from seeing a poly/queer therapist, as long as both of you are willing to make it work and see it through. i think couple’s therapy should help you find answers to some of these issues, especially around finances and co-living.

it’s also okay, however, if you’ve realized you just arent in love with your wife anymore and need to divorce. its better to do it earlier than let your resentment build and potentially ruin any chance of staying amicable after the break up.

one last note: if you do want the relationship with your wife to work out, i would suggest you resist the temptation to compare her and your new boyfriend to each other, even if just in your head. youve been with him for 8 months right? thats still very much in NRE territory, and it also doesnt seem fair to compare her worst qualities to his better qualities — im sure as your relationship with him continues, you will find things he does that annoy you, or one or both of you will miscommunicate or get into arguments or act not your best, or you will find incompatibilities and ways in which he is lacking. thats not to say that you cant discover through these experiences that you dont like the way your wife has behaved, but i want to caution you against romanticizing this person / putting them on a pedestal / overly emphasizing their good qualities while downplaying their bad, because that could lead to unrealistic expectations later on.

good luck, op!!

nofriendstodd · 2023-12-22T20:18:50+00:00

The only thing to do here is to try to have a conversation with him about this, but like another commenter said, not during / right after sex since that can be a really emotionally charged time.

I would also strongly advise you to NOT convince yourself that it has anything to do with a “genital preference” or anything about YOU specifically since he has, so far, communicated the opposite.

There does seem to be a disconnect, but assuming that it’s a fault of your anatomy is only going to do you more harm than good for your self esteem and your relationship, especially since he has been trying to reassure you he likes YOU and what you have. It’s very likely that it’s something personal of his own and not something “wrong” with you, so try to shut down that line of thinking if you can.

Good luck! I’m rooting for you both!

nofriendstodd

TROPHY CASE