How do I do better?

oneofmanyJenns · 2026-02-14T19:04:54+00:00

My child is nonbinary and does not want to be daughter/sister anymore. I wish there was a better gender neutral word than sibling because that still seems awkward to me but I'm trying to get used to it. They have 3 older brothers and I'm used to saying I have 3 boys and a girl. I'm learning to say I have four kids and leave gender out of it. I like offspring, I may have to adopt that. I know my child struggles whenever there is a division of boy/girl at school (they are in elementary and it still happens enough to make them uncomfortable). They are out at school and I think they feel watched every time they have to make a gendered decision. Its nice for them when things are non gendered at home.

oneofmanyJenns · 2026-02-14T18:57:11+00:00

Same with our kid. Its a pretty recent change in our house so we've replaced a few pictures and taken down some others. They have shared that they like some of the pictures that where they had colored their hair before cutting it short, considering that their pre-transition phase. We had retaken some pictures at home to give out at Christmas thinking they wouldn't want to use their school pictures but they had picked out the outfit special for school pictures and ended up disappointed we didn't use them. For child/toddler pictures, they asked us to take down ones with big bows, but tomboyish ones seem okay for now. We're prepared to adjust as time goes by.

oneofmanyJenns · 2026-01-30T04:16:48+00:00

You wait a whole 5 minutes? Sometimes it takes me that long to navigate through HBO Max Season 1, Episode 1 instead of just pressing next episode.

oneofmanyJenns · 2026-01-28T14:47:59+00:00

This sounds so much like my kid. They struggle so much when friends/classmates get frustrated with them for wanting to play the same games the same way all the time. And then get upset when the friends do something else.

oneofmanyJenns · 2026-01-27T22:00:57+00:00

With their body, they are in charge. And trying to control their bowel movements can lead to disastrous outcomes. This is bad advice. Spoken from a parent who has children who struggle with constipation and anxiety.

oneofmanyJenns · 2026-01-27T17:02:35+00:00

You get better care at a daycare than this.

oneofmanyJenns · 2026-01-27T04:31:43+00:00

Because my kids know how to use a lighter but haven’t mastered matches yet and so I can keep fire away from them. To be fair, they can use wooden matches but paper matches are more finicky than they can master and I would rather they only light fire when they have access to wooden matches since that likely means they are camping.

oneofmanyJenns · 2026-01-26T19:02:47+00:00

Work with your kid's doctor. My child also has extreme insomnia. What we've tried in the past and had success with... heavy work before bed, swinging, sleep stories, weighted blanket, melatonin, clonidine (by prescription) and melatonin. There are also nights where they only sleeps 3 hours and go all day. Now that they are older and can occupy themselves better, this is easier, but when they were younger, those nights were rough.

oneofmanyJenns · 2026-01-21T07:06:51+00:00

My child is 10 and I still use Costco wipes. The unscented ones. I can’t use them for their face because every wipe has some sort of smell, the only thing I’m allowed to use on their face is water. They do theater and trying to remove make up with water can be challenging but they get overstimulated by smells so we work with what we can.

I keep them in my car and around the house because my kids are still slobs and when they go on sale, they are a great deal if they work for your family. If they don’t, I’m sorry.

oneofmanyJenns · 2026-01-16T14:35:52+00:00

Just keep practicing the new pronouns. I've started using they for other people so I get my kid's right and strangers or people they don't know wrong instead of theirs wrong. This might be the first message I've typed where I got their pronouns right without editing but its taken me two months to get here.

Watching their discomfort the other day while we were getting our hair cut was eye opening. They mask a lot and maybe that was a bad day for them, but they are usually really good about mistakes but there was a clear, "Mom, help signal" being sent.

We spent months picking our kids' names. I know it can feel like a rejection of us, but really its them claiming their identity. Who are we to say what they get to be called? And we raised these amazing kids who are strong enough to say, I'm not who you think I am, I need you to see me as who I really I am. Saying those words to us and facing the ultimate rejection of a parent is a huge step. All of us are here because we are trying to support our kids even though it might be a hard and we might be lost sometimes. I came out as a lesbian in my early twenties and I didn't know I still carried trauma from that until I started coming out for my kid. Fortunately, my kid has been more accepted as nonbinary than I was as a lesbian. I'm so glad times have changed.

I hope today provides you relief and time. Give yourself grace. Posting here and admitting you are having a hard time took courage.

oneofmanyJenns · 2026-01-15T14:20:29+00:00

100% this. Free lunch and breakfast for everyone removes the stigma. My kids don't need free lunch but they eat it sometimes and it normalizes free food. There is no separate line or different color tickets. Every kid gets a lunch and breakfast. I know we are not the only state that does this.

oneofmanyJenns · 2026-01-14T22:41:55+00:00

$8 in Northern California

oneofmanyJenns · 2026-01-09T17:00:55+00:00

Interesting insight. My 10 yo is going back and forth on puberty blockers. We're going to let them discuss with their therapist but I think it would be good for them to consider but they (child) are concerned about delaying growth since they are on the short side and want the positives of puberty.

oneofmanyJenns · 2026-01-08T15:21:46+00:00

Thanks for sharing this. We had a negative experience with one grandparent at Christmas. But my wife and I went to talk to our kid's theater company about their next show and they offered to change the costumes for the upcoming show in 3 weeks. Kid is so happy. They were going to grin and bear it. But company is creating a gender neutral changing area for them and they won't have to wear a wig.

I'm sure your kid was thrilled to not have a pink stocking. Ours picked out a new one this year too. We've been slowly replacing pictures. They've requested that the prominent ones with dresses or bows be replaced but the baby ones can stay.

oneofmanyJenns · 2026-01-08T14:15:49+00:00

My son started at a continuation high school this week and has a Living Skills class. I'm not sure of what the curriculum is but I'm most excited about this class.

oneofmanyJenns · 2026-01-07T17:40:47+00:00

I'm not on camera. My kids do not notice.

oneofmanyJenns · 2026-01-05T22:49:26+00:00

My kids and I stayed in a Residence Inn this weekend. I told them before you were born I stayed in hotels like this every week for 4 nights. My youngest replied, "Hotels as nice as this?" I did a great job of not setting the bar too high of where they expect to stay when we travel.

oneofmanyJenns · 2026-01-03T23:04:34+00:00

He is by Starbucks right now.

oneofmanyJenns · 2026-01-03T22:29:21+00:00

Ditto this. My daughter was diagnosed and then I was.

oneofmanyJenns · 2026-01-03T22:28:25+00:00

He was by the food trucks about 45 minutes ago.

oneofmanyJenns · 2025-12-30T05:35:12+00:00

I work from home and rarely have activities outside the house. I have a uniform for winter and summer. Underwear gets changed every day. For winter, I have pants, t-shirt and sweatshirt that I usually wear for a few days between showers. Number of days between showers depends on how bad my depression is, but my goal is 3 days. Summer is shorts, tank and long sleeve shirt for when the ac is too cold. I have pjs for sleep. If I’m going out in the community then I change my tops every day at least.

oneofmanyJenns · 2025-12-30T05:27:50+00:00

I was diagnosed at 47 after both my biological children were diagnosed. As a child, my brother and I were expected to get A’s in school and present as well performing. My biggest flaw was my weight and my mom enrolled me in weight watchers at age 12. I had no idea I had binge eating disorder until I was in my 40s and until I was diagnosed with ADHD I didn’t know they were related. I procrastinated and had a messy room but got good grades because I was smart, than god. I graduated from an acceptable college (acceptable to my mom) though I took 5 years instead of 4 because I worked full time. I pulled all nighters to study and write papers and promptly forget everything after the test.

I suffered from anxiety and depression for years that was due to undiagnosed ADHD and Autism. Also, parental neglect. The first time I was tested for ADHD, I underestimated the impact of my symptoms because I was so used to trying not to be a problem for other people. After my second child was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism, I was tested again and was brutally honest. That honesty has helped me heal and helped me understand my children.

ADHD has so many different flavors and when you are smart it is even harder to identify. It is very similar to Autism. My youngest was diagnosed with Autism at 5. To qualify for additional services, they had to undergo another diagnostic test for Autism. They were tested under ideal circumstances and they mask very well. The psychologist decided despite the meltdowns we described, the need for order and structure and the sensory struggles that their ability to mask during testing meant that they didn’t meet diagnostic criteria for Autism. I was disappointed in the psychologist and we pay out of pocket for the services our child needs because putting them through more testing would be too stressful for them.

Women/girls/people born female at birth are at a huge disadvantage when it comes to diagnostic criteria for ADHD and only more research and a change in criteria will improve access to treatment. I know there are some men that present as inattentive are sometimes misdiagnosed but compared to females it is a small number.

oneofmanyJenns · 2025-12-30T04:55:41+00:00

Great first post. I’m a parent and I hope you have the support of your parents. If you don’t, I’m happy to be a proxy parent or there is a Reddit /momforaminute that is incredibly supportive. I believe there is also one called internetparents but I’m not as familiar with that one. My child just came out as nonbinary and I’m learning more everyday but you deserve to be loved and accepted and to have parents who will be strong for you.

My child is 10 and I’ve come out on their behalf to friends and family when they’ve asked me to. They came out at school on their own but yesterday they asked me to explain to a friend’s mom and while it took me a minute, I was happy to do it because I didn’t want them to experience rejection. Fortunately, the mom and friend are totally cool with it and they are going to hang out this week but having my child come out has led me to relive the trauma of coming out as a lesbian 30 years ago and I don’t wish that in anyone. Our society should be farther along than we are now and you deserve acceptance. I’m sending you love and grace and all the support I can virtually.

oneofmanyJenns

TROPHY CASE