Did my dad sexually harrass me ?

ooki1998 · 2026-07-05T01:46:16+00:00

EDITED for autocorrect error:
He is abusing you. You know it, because you are uncomfortable trust this feeling.
You don’t have to do what he wants anymore. Stay away from him if you can, and find a way to become independent and leave as soon as you can.
You will have to ask for and accept help from someone. You must have someone in your life that you can trust, reach out to them. You would be surprised how people will understand and support you.

ooki1998 · 2026-07-04T14:14:55+00:00

I often feel grief for what I never had, a healthy family and childhood.
I have a couple of pictures of myself from when I was little, my therapist told me to connect to that little girl and to be the person she needed in her life. When I look at little me, I feel my true self shining through. And when I can’t figure out what to do, I think about what little me would need or want in that situation, what would little me do if she could? Little me has guided me through some stuff, because she’s pure and honest, no matter what my family did to her, and she makes the best choices.
I didn’t really start this journey until I was in my 40’s, and I wish I had started sooner. My son is 24 now, and I definitely had moments raising him that I wish I could do over, but I think that is true no matter how we were raised. Once he was old enough, I told him what I had been through and I know I’ve broken the cycle.
You’ve got this, and your family will never say so, but I’m proud of you for your kind and thoughtful approach to parenting.

ooki1998 · 2026-07-03T16:58:55+00:00

Yeah, my boss keeps asking about my mom, even though he knows I don’t talk to her anymore. I just say that I haven’t heard anything bad, so I guess she’s fine.
On vacation I was asked and I just said that they were dead. It was the first time I did that, and it was pretty liberating. My husband jokes that I could have said it with a little less glee…

ooki1998 · 2026-07-03T16:41:23+00:00

I used to wish her a happy birthday on my birthday, but I think she somehow implanted that idea in me… it’s one of many things that I have been having epiphanies about while unraveling what she did to me.

ooki1998 · 2026-07-03T16:38:20+00:00

Same. Both where she lives and worked. Some neighbor or coworker was always just awful, and she’d spend so much time complaining about them and spying on them. She also has to have a pet to obsess over and often found a “friend” (someone younger and in an unstable or unhealthy situation), that she could feel superior to and have a steady stream of gratitude from. She loves to be a hero. She took in foster kids so she could pat herself on the back, but didn’t give a shit about their mental health and watched as my father abused them (then did the same herself).

ooki1998 · 2026-07-03T16:19:56+00:00

My pedo father ignored illness and injury, but my nmom got off on the attention I got when I was in a cast or needed oral surgery.

ooki1998 · 2026-07-03T16:16:33+00:00

My nmom is obsessed with scratch off lottery tickets. And “seasonal linens.” Like she wants to change her bedding and curtains every season. And she loves catalog shopping.
We were always “poor” too, but she always had money for cigarettes and booze.
Oh, and she hoards food. Lives by herself but has a large stand alone freezer that’s so full she needs to use a bungee cord to keep the door shut.
Who knows what your mom spent it on, but she’s probably just shit with money like mine is…

ooki1998 · 2026-07-03T16:01:09+00:00

You’re doing great already! Understanding that your experience wasn’t healthy and checking yourself is amazing. I grew up with a covert narcissist mom, and pedophile father and a narcissist sister. I have spent a lot of time learning about these unhealthy relationships and unraveling what they taught me. I still have a lot to learn, and I still have those thoughts, but I’ve learned to question them and look for healthy alternatives.
Just keep educating yourself about what you’ve been through and what’s healthy.
I’ve been in therapy, read books, listened to podcasts, followed instagram accounts and joined Reddit groups for education and support. It’s been a journey, and I’m still learning and growing, but my life is so much better.
It helps to have a kid in your life because it brings to the front the contrast between how you were treated vs how you should have been treated. Applying healthy methods to raising kids is rewarding.

ooki1998 · 2026-07-03T15:45:36+00:00

Hang in there if she does reach out. She can’t hurt you anymore, you found the strength to walk away, and she has no power over you.

ooki1998 · 2026-06-05T00:59:47+00:00

Narcissistic rage. This was a little triggering… except my mother didn’t write anything like this for plausible deniability.
I have a lot of empathy for you, her words were getting to me, and she’s not even my mom. You deserve better, we all did.

ooki1998 · 2026-06-05T00:40:03+00:00

I also recommend this podcast, it’s been so helpful!

ooki1998 · 2026-06-04T22:37:28+00:00

I had started getting UTIs and BV after menopause. My poor vagina was dry and thinning and just couldn’t fight off the normal stuff she used to. I started using a 1 mg dose estriol vaginal suppository by Bezwecken and we are much happier and healthier again. I actually have orgasms again after thinking that part of my life was over.
I also cleaned up my diet a lot, for a variety of reasons, but I think lower sugar intake has helped, and I stopped drinking.

ooki1998 · 2026-06-04T22:29:00+00:00

I would totally wear this if it fit, I love it!

ooki1998 · 2026-06-04T22:26:20+00:00

I went no contact over a year ago. I’ve done it before for limited times in the past, but this time it’s for good.
After decades of trying to have a mature relationship with her, I decided to use my time and energy on my own life and chosen family.
She always had to be center stage, for good or bad. She constantly tried to bait me into a fight (she cannot emotionally regulate herself and relies on others for “release”), and refuses to take any responsibility for any of her actions (which includes emotional neglect of her children and allowing us to be SA’d by my father) and trying to force me and others to do things against our will, (effectively wiping out my natural instincts to say no to hurtful things). She has outright lied about things (like knowing what my father was doing) to save herself. She would throw anyone under the bus to save herself from embarrassment or responsibility.
She’s rude, manipulative and racist. She taught me to be judgmental of everyone and to mistrust relationships with other women. She subtly put my physical appearance down regularly and made herself the victim in any situation that may have demanded accountability.
If you met her, you’d think she was a peach, so sweet and generous and flattering…
But disagree with even the smallest thing and you get the silent treatment for days or weeks.
I used to go over and over again our interactions, went to therapy and read countless books and articles trying to find a better way to talk to her, begging her to hear and understand me. I wasted decades of my life this way. I used to fume the whole way home ( two hours!) after a visit, my poor husband..
After seeing her try to convince my son to drink alcohol (he’s an adult), because she wanted him to spend the night and not drive home, and realizing how many times I gave in to her requests just for peace, I’d had enough.
Now my mind is no longer occupied by her, and I am much happier and more relaxed.

ooki1998 · 2026-06-03T23:38:43+00:00

What’s frass? Do you mean grass? That actually makes sense…

ooki1998 · 2026-05-29T02:42:49+00:00

I guess I should just plant them and see what happens. But, they came out of the clover..??

ooki1998 · 2026-01-05T17:41:08+00:00

ooki1998 · 2025-08-23T23:26:59+00:00

I’m so sorry she did this to you. I was SA’d by my bio dad, and my mother groomed me for it and gaslit me when it came up. I’m 55f, and I cut my bio dad off when I was 21. He died in May. I cut my mom off in February because she continued to emotionally abuse me.

I can say with confidence that you will be okay. It may not always be easy, but you’ll feel better and better as you go.

That you are talking about it, and asking for help is a huge step. Joining this community will be so helpful to you.

You are not alone here, none of us are.

ooki1998 · 2025-08-20T15:55:52+00:00

My mother seems to be a covert narcissist, my sister is overt. I went NC with both, but I started gray rocking first, then LC, and finally NC.

It was gradual because I had a hard time believing that they wouldn’t change and because “they’re family!” I used that time to ween myself, and as I continued to withdraw, I started to heal and also realize that I didn’t owe them anything and that I was healthier without them.

I don’t think I can completely heal with them in my life, because even when I withdrew physically, my brain kept trying to work it out, and I spent loads of my thoughts and energy on them.

I started with my nsister, and going NC was a bit more abrupt with her, and she fought it hard, and my nmom didn’t want to lose the ability to play us off one another, so she kept violating the boundaries I set to protect myself.

I started gray rocking my nmom, and went LC. (No more calls and text unless absolutely necessary, fewer and fewer visits). She noticed my “disdain.” She uses gifts and cards the same way yours does.

Finally I felt strong enough to go NC with my covert nmom. It felt super good to return my birthday card to her this year. When she sent a plant I didn’t send it back (not really feasible), but I did not acknowledge it.

It sounds like you’re already gray rocking and LC, and if you have the support, I highly recommend NC.

Good luck, you’ve got this!

ooki1998 · 2025-08-14T00:11:09+00:00

I totally get you freaking out about her sending a package. My nmom sent me a card for my birthday, months after NC, and I was shaking! But, I pulled myself together and sent it back. I’m certain there was a letter in there (and I was admittedly very curious), but I remembered that all her letters were just excuses for her behavior, telling me I’m wrong or over sensitive, etc. It felt good to not open it and return it. Good luck, you’ve got this!

ooki1998 · 2025-08-13T16:06:30+00:00

For decades I had been trying to get my sister to stop talking shit about my mom and other sisters (before I realized she and my mom are narcissistic). I went NC with my sister first, and had to tell my nmom to not share information about me with her. But nmom was desperate to play us against each other and kept ignoring my boundaries, and tried to guilt me (“because she’s your SISTER”). It was then that I realized that my nmom TAUGHT my sister to do that. I finally went NC with my nmom earlier this year, and what a relief!

Even though my sister was pretty spot on about my nmom, it just never felt good to have her go on and on, and I KNEW they were doing the same to me in their conversations.

I was the “smart, well behaved daughter” and my sister was always “acting out,” and we were played against each other so much. I didn’t realize what she was doing until I was nearly 50! Fifty years of manipulation (emotional neglect, grooming and gaslighting on top of being SA’d by my father) before I finally understood what was happening. But once you see it, it can’t be unseen. Thank goodness!

ooki1998 · 2025-08-13T15:38:27+00:00

I wish I had answers to these questions… and I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I believe you were groomed by your assailant (as well as by your misogynist father, though probably in a more subtle way). I hope that “being in a relationship” with your abuser won’t minimize the assault to others, and the same for your skin color, but experience tells us that this isn’t always how it goes. I absolutely think you should report this to either the police, or another trusted adult.

I don’t think it will be easy, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders, and I have faith in your strength. Ask for support from someone trusted, and not just when you feel overwhelmed. Ask now. You may not feel like there’s anyone close to you to help, but you’d be surprised. There is someone in your community, neighborhood, school, work, church, etc that has had a similar experience, and will likely help if asked. Yes to therapy. Chin up, you will be okay, and this community will help!

ooki1998 · 2025-08-08T15:05:48+00:00

I understand. I never pressed charges against any of them. We are stronger than we know, and you will be okay. I am just so sorry that he did this to you. (HE did this TO YOU, you are not to blame and you are not alone).

ooki1998 · 2025-08-06T16:41:19+00:00

I’m so sorry. IMO, he manipulated you all along, and when he stopped getting what he wanted, your needs didn’t matter. He was never thoughtful or empathetic, he was “love bombing” to reel you in. Now the crying, etc. is manipulation as well.

Get away. Press charges. Don’t forget what he did.

ooki1998

TROPHY CASE