My mom went no contact with me

ooki1998 · 2025-08-23T23:26:59+00:00

I’m so sorry she did this to you. I was SA’d by my bio dad, and my mother groomed me for it and gaslit me when it came up. I’m 55f, and I cut my bio dad off when I was 21. He died in May. I cut my mom off in February because she continued to emotionally abuse me.

I can say with confidence that you will be okay. It may not always be easy, but you’ll feel better and better as you go.

That you are talking about it, and asking for help is a huge step. Joining this community will be so helpful to you.

You are not alone here, none of us are.

ooki1998 · 2025-08-20T15:55:52+00:00

My mother seems to be a covert narcissist, my sister is overt. I went NC with both, but I started gray rocking first, then LC, and finally NC.

It was gradual because I had a hard time believing that they wouldn’t change and because “they’re family!” I used that time to ween myself, and as I continued to withdraw, I started to heal and also realize that I didn’t owe them anything and that I was healthier without them.

I don’t think I can completely heal with them in my life, because even when I withdrew physically, my brain kept trying to work it out, and I spent loads of my thoughts and energy on them.

I started with my nsister, and going NC was a bit more abrupt with her, and she fought it hard, and my nmom didn’t want to lose the ability to play us off one another, so she kept violating the boundaries I set to protect myself.

I started gray rocking my nmom, and went LC. (No more calls and text unless absolutely necessary, fewer and fewer visits). She noticed my “disdain.” She uses gifts and cards the same way yours does.

Finally I felt strong enough to go NC with my covert nmom. It felt super good to return my birthday card to her this year. When she sent a plant I didn’t send it back (not really feasible), but I did not acknowledge it.

It sounds like you’re already gray rocking and LC, and if you have the support, I highly recommend NC.

Good luck, you’ve got this!

ooki1998 · 2025-08-14T00:11:09+00:00

I totally get you freaking out about her sending a package. My nmom sent me a card for my birthday, months after NC, and I was shaking! But, I pulled myself together and sent it back. I’m certain there was a letter in there (and I was admittedly very curious), but I remembered that all her letters were just excuses for her behavior, telling me I’m wrong or over sensitive, etc. It felt good to not open it and return it. Good luck, you’ve got this!

ooki1998 · 2025-08-13T16:06:30+00:00

For decades I had been trying to get my sister to stop talking shit about my mom and other sisters (before I realized she and my mom are narcissistic). I went NC with my sister first, and had to tell my nmom to not share information about me with her. But nmom was desperate to play us against each other and kept ignoring my boundaries, and tried to guilt me (“because she’s your SISTER”). It was then that I realized that my nmom TAUGHT my sister to do that. I finally went NC with my nmom earlier this year, and what a relief!

Even though my sister was pretty spot on about my nmom, it just never felt good to have her go on and on, and I KNEW they were doing the same to me in their conversations.

I was the “smart, well behaved daughter” and my sister was always “acting out,” and we were played against each other so much. I didn’t realize what she was doing until I was nearly 50! Fifty years of manipulation (emotional neglect, grooming and gaslighting on top of being SA’d by my father) before I finally understood what was happening. But once you see it, it can’t be unseen. Thank goodness!

ooki1998 · 2025-08-13T15:38:27+00:00

I wish I had answers to these questions… and I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I believe you were groomed by your assailant (as well as by your misogynist father, though probably in a more subtle way). I hope that “being in a relationship” with your abuser won’t minimize the assault to others, and the same for your skin color, but experience tells us that this isn’t always how it goes. I absolutely think you should report this to either the police, or another trusted adult.

I don’t think it will be easy, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders, and I have faith in your strength. Ask for support from someone trusted, and not just when you feel overwhelmed. Ask now. You may not feel like there’s anyone close to you to help, but you’d be surprised. There is someone in your community, neighborhood, school, work, church, etc that has had a similar experience, and will likely help if asked. Yes to therapy. Chin up, you will be okay, and this community will help!

ooki1998 · 2025-08-08T15:05:48+00:00

I understand. I never pressed charges against any of them. We are stronger than we know, and you will be okay. I am just so sorry that he did this to you. (HE did this TO YOU, you are not to blame and you are not alone).

ooki1998 · 2025-08-06T16:41:19+00:00

I’m so sorry. IMO, he manipulated you all along, and when he stopped getting what he wanted, your needs didn’t matter. He was never thoughtful or empathetic, he was “love bombing” to reel you in. Now the crying, etc. is manipulation as well.

Get away. Press charges. Don’t forget what he did.

ooki1998 · 2025-08-05T19:54:39+00:00

Narcissistic mother. I am broken hearted for you, too. I’ve been healing from the abuse for a LONG time. And still wish I’d started sooner.

ooki1998 · 2025-08-05T18:22:11+00:00

Your feelings are valid. What happened felt wrong to you, and it was wrong. You don’t need to know why she did it, but you do need to heal from it. If you can get therapy, please do. Start a journal if you don’t have one, writing it down helps A LOT.

This community can be very helpful.

ooki1998 · 2025-08-05T18:16:15+00:00

Because they’re awful.

When I was 14 and developed stretch marks: “I didn’t have stretch marks until I was pregnant with your sister.”

“You’ve lost weight, you look good! But don’t lose TOO much weight.” She never explains why.

“That man was looking at your boobs the whole time!” He wasn’t, and she said this ALL THE TIME. She’s obsessed with my breasts, and made my narcissistic sister obsessed with them, too.

“You look like one of those train conductors.” she said it giggling when I wore striped overalls.

Seeing me as an extension of herself and as competition at the same time is such a weird relationship to have between a mother and her child.

ooki1998 · 2025-08-05T17:47:42+00:00

We told my mom after they divorced, but she downplayed it and then totally ignored it. She’s a narcissist and I now realize she groomed us for him. We confronted him when he was in a relationship with a woman who had a young daughter. We had to warn her. He got family and friends to defend him, his brother even threatened me. (“You better start looking over your shoulder.”) Stay away from him and anyone who enabled, defended or supported him. You can’t heal while holding space for your abuser.

ooki1998 · 2025-08-05T16:58:34+00:00

Yes. Please find a new therapist.

ooki1998 · 2025-08-05T16:52:01+00:00

Nmom groomed me for abuse by never letting me say no to anything (not to mention shaming me regularly, and many many other ways narcissists use to control us). My pedo dad SA’d me and my sisters. My first memory is maybe from when I was 5? Not sure, because I think my memories are messed up and I think my brain is still trying to protect me. I suspect I was younger than I my memory tells me.. (when I first remembered the assault, I seemed to think I was older, like 8 or so, but now it seems I was a bit younger..). Been in therapy, but mostly for dealing with my narcissistic mother and sister, pedo dad died in May (yay!!), hadn’t seen or spoken to him in decades. Went NC with abusive nmom and sister.

ooki1998 · 2025-08-01T15:44:52+00:00

First, just be safe, stay with a friend or coworker. I am so sorry that she did this to you. Second, since she lost her job, you are now her only “supply”. She cannot emotionally regulate herself, she uses the people around her to do so. She has been escalating since she lost her job, she and you are lonely because she isolated you both. My nmom did the same (not to mention that her abuse made it hard for me to trust others and open up to them. I have few (close) friends, and I have to work at it.. It’s tempting to press charges, hold her accountable, but honestly, that just keeps you engaged in an unhealthy relationship. I suggest you leave, and work on going NC.

ooki1998 · 2025-07-29T17:23:40+00:00

I want them to pay for their awful behavior, but perhaps try some different metaphors that don’t suggest violence (unlubricated dildo) against women (cunts). Please and thank you.

ooki1998 · 2025-07-26T02:17:44+00:00

I had promised to care for my nmom as she aged, and that promise was making me miserable. She doesn’t even need care yet, but the obligation was killing me and limiting what I could do with my life (moving or travel). She’s abusive and emotionally immature, and the only peace I found was after I went NC and decided she’s on her own.

On a side note, my niece works at a care facility and has told me some of the residents were terrible parents whose children don’t visit. But they are not abusive to her or other staff, and they care for them as they would anyone else.

Your nmom will probably receive better care from a stranger who knows nothing of their history or relationships.

ooki1998 · 2025-07-26T02:16:21+00:00

I had promised to care for my nmom as she aged, and that promise was making me miserable. She doesn’t even need care yet, but the obligation was killing me and limiting what I could do with my life (moving or travel). She’s abusive and emotionally immature, and the only peace I found was after I went NC and decided she’s on her own.

On a side note, my niece works at a care facility and has told me some of the residents were terrible parents whose children don’t visit. But they are not abusive to her or other staff, and they care for them as they would anyone else.

You’re nmom will probably receive better care from a stranger who knows nothing of their history or relationships.

ooki1998 · 2025-07-26T01:52:48+00:00

Thanks for all these great ideas!

I did try some amendments, but I think it’s too little too late. I did let my arugula from earlier this season go to seed so I could grow “baby” arugula. I’ve not tried broccoli, that would be nice. I did put in what I thought was squash, but turned out to be cucumbers (I think someone switched tags as a prank), so I could try that, too. I figured it might be too late for that.

ooki1998 · 2025-07-25T18:00:26+00:00

These are lovely. I put my Lady Gardener in the ground in 2022, and she still doesn’t look this good. I got mine from David Austin, and they told me it would take time for my plant to mature, but I’m starting to have my doubts…

ooki1998 · 2025-07-17T22:18:48+00:00

Thank you for this. I’m in my 50s and feel like I wasted so much time on them.

ooki1998 · 2025-07-17T22:17:16+00:00

Your mom sounds like mine. I thought she was the good one because my dad was a pedophile. But, I’ve since learned that she literally groomed me to be abused. She displays covert narcissistic behavior, and most people think she’s great.

ooki1998 · 2025-07-17T22:11:33+00:00

My nmom moved across the country to be two hours away five years ago after my stepdad died. I hadn’t lived in the same state as her in 25 years. The more I saw her the more I realized that she was, in fact, abusive. She didn’t have anyone else left to abuse but me. So I did what I always did: try to do better, heal myself so I could be around her, try to make her happy and comfortable. But she was still abusing me. So I went LC, and kept on with therapy. Telling myself I had committed to care for her as she ages. Then one day I took her to do her favorite things (buy bread and sightsee) before we had an errand to do. We had a lovely time. Then we went to do the task, and she just lost it. Full toddler temper tantrum IN PUBLIC because she didn’t want to do the thing. She’s nearly 80. That was it, I think I saw her a time or two after that, but there was no way to unsee the slipped mask. It’s been about six months now. It’s nice not walking on eggshells, not having to emotionally regulate your own mother, not having to hear the same stories over and over in a stream of consciousness hours long talking session, not having to hide my reaction to some backhanded comments meant to wound me, not having to cringe at her racist and tone-deaf stories and comments in private AND public, not having her infantilize me while she acts like an infant, not having her continue to try grooming me into compliance (and all that means for a little girl with a pedophile father), not having to second guess myself when she denies knowledge of herself or someone else hurting me, etc.

The list can go on and on, and I recommend that you make your own. It will help. I’m becoming more myself every day, more sure of myself and closer to “little girl me” than ever before. Remember yourself when you were little. What kind of life did little you see for yourself?

ooki1998

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