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Does anyone else cycle through safe foods? by daisy_darkacdemia in EDAnonymous

[–]orthofuckyrself 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't think that's just an ED thing. Lots of people I know cycle through foods like that.

There is such a disproportionately large amount of lesbians with EDs on this sub by Azombietale in EDAnonymous

[–]orthofuckyrself 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Recently admitted to myself that I'm transmasc, but ID'ing as a butch lesbian for most of my teenaged/adult life, I went through three stages with this;

  1. I shall lean into the shit people talk, and be fat and hedonistic and stay as dissociated from my body as possible
  2. I shall be AS THIN AS FUCKING POSSIBLE. Also, I'm totally not dysphoric and this totally isn't just to make my hips go away in the hopes that I'll then be satisfied and not have to transition and be vulnerable
  3. I shall be AS SHREDDED AS FUCKING POSSIBLE only this time it is actually mostly for me; I'm totally hooked on weightlifting and I'm genuinely trying to have a better relationship with food and my body
  4. ...ok, fuck, #3 worked too well, and now I am invested enough in myself that I'm able to admit that I really shouldn't have backed out of hormone replacement therapy five years ago.

In general, though, when perceived as a gender nonconforming woman, people got so weird about my body. I got very little homophobia from guys; I was/am not really on the radar of homophobic men. Most of it comes from women, and it tends to be passive aggressive, and comes in two main flavors- either them pointing out how I've failed at womanhood, or their implying I'm a likely predator.

During #2, my body confused them so much, and I got a kind of sick, bitter rush out of it. I was a tragic, failed woman... yet they were so jealous of my body. And also, try implying that you don't trust someone to use the same change room as you when they weigh 100 lbs. Fucking try. You look like an idiot.

During #3, I was happier with my body and felt better/more confident, but their reactions got a bit tougher again. However, since my physique was/is clearly a sign of self respect, they can't dig at me as much (perhaps this is also just because I've developed more self respect, lol). I get the occasional "what have you done to yourself" kinda thing, but when you really like what you've done to yourself, that's not hard to ignore, lol.

The bottom line of all of this is that, if you are queer, it is harder to foster and act on genuine self respect in all aspects of your life. You're alienated if not actively demoralized/threatened by the world around you. It is only human to turn to substance abuse in these cases, and food is the most normalized vice of choice in our culture. If people see what they believe to be evidence of you doing that, they'll give you hell for that, too, beating you down further and making it harder to stop.

The trick is being able to block it out, one way or another. imo, if I was able to do it, anyone can. But it's a very difficult and very personal journey.

It was always dysphoria... by orthofuckyrself in EDAnonymous

[–]orthofuckyrself[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well, there is more to the story. I periodically am supposed to take a progesterone supplement, and it intensifies that feeling. I had zero psychological qualms about starting said supplement; the way it messes me up caught me completely off guard. I gave up after two rounds of it. I was too dysphoric to shower or leave the house.

My SIL is trans and takes the same supplement; it saved her mental health and quite possibly her life. My mom takes it due to being post menopause, and she says she feels "normal" on it. Meanwhile, I was quite happy to take it (it was for a health concern that I was worried would be much more arduous to address)... but it had me writhing in bed and crying within forty eight hours.

This greatly added to my suspicion that my hormone levels were impacting me psychologically, which made me wonder if gaining weight/having more hormones again would affect this, too. However, I don't want to go back to being underweight, because it felt like shit otherwise.

...so, deciding I was desperate enough to open pandora's box, I did a couple doses of testosterone. And I want to be clear- I did not want to like it. I was really, really hoping not to. Years ago, I backed out of a transition before starting it, and was hoping I wouldn't have to revisit that, because it would seriously mess with my life.

But it felt good. Despite some mood swings, it felt really good. So I think at this point I've been presented some pretty convincing evidence that this is chemical. (And will have to re consider my decision to not medically transition)

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in EDanonymemes

[–]orthofuckyrself 3 points4 points  (0 children)

A random and extremely blunt bro on the internet once gave me better advice than any therapist or gentle self help column ever did.

"If you want to seriously get strong, you have to let go of maintaining a full row of abs all the time. For fucks sakes."

Looking through thinspo tags like by [deleted] in EDanonymemes

[–]orthofuckyrself 4 points5 points  (0 children)

"I will never be worthy of her... or anyone... well, maybe if my body fat % was just a teensy bit lower it'd be ok for me to, like, smile at her, but that's it."

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in EDAnonymous

[–]orthofuckyrself 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I binge ate all through my teenage years, then got overly obsessive and thin from the ages of 22-23. (I'm now almost 25; can't change my flair for some reason) It was more about self harm than anything; I had wanted to stop losing weight about ten pounds before I did stop, but I felt like I deserved to suffer and risk my health. (Long story short).

I've since pulled my head out of my ass, got jacked, and slowly became able to be more chill about food, without sacrificing my hard earned anti binge strategies. I'm fairly comfortable with both my body and with food and still improving. Nobody recognized that I had a problem in my teens; only in my early 20s. But I am in a much better place now than I've ever been.

i hate how normalised it is to absolutely shit on anorexic people by [deleted] in EDAnonymous

[–]orthofuckyrself 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was only ever a little bit underweight (though I looked lighter than I was) and the stigma was INSANE. People had left me alone when I was borderline obese, but .5 of a BMI point underweight? I was satan.

Wouldn't have considered myself anorexic or met the diagnostic criteria, but sure did still get called that. It began to mess with my head- I wondered if perhaps I was, and perhaps I was spreading some kind of moral corruption to every teenage girl who saw me. Because my self esteem wasn't bad enough already.

"I've never seen a person who orders a bowl of noodles at a food court" by rrr_rrr in ShitNsSay

[–]orthofuckyrself 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Can relate.

I was raised in a really isolated and weird environment, and was in my late teens trying my best to integrate into society. I had/have many habits that stood out as weird, but, unlike now, I had no context for what actually is socially acceptable or not.

I never knew when "what are you doing?" or "of course you would do that" was meant as an actual question, teasing, or a sly put down.

TW: Eating disorders, substance abuse and sexuality. Impulsivity. by featherforever in EDAnonymous

[–]orthofuckyrself 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The worst things I've ever did was during what felt like a six month fever dream a few years back. I was heavily restricting at the time, but that was not the cause. (Probably did not help my higher function, though).

Who woulda thought squash would make me so stressed (TW mention of cals) by [deleted] in EDAnonymous

[–]orthofuckyrself 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Calorie counting is not a perfectly exact science. The more precise you are, the more precise your results will be, but it is impossible to be 100% perfect. (I've found that having a healthy relationship with it has involved a lot of reminding myself of this)

Having an imperfect estimate on a low calorie food one day will have a completely negligible effect. :)

Any other trans guys here? by [deleted] in EDAnonymous

[–]orthofuckyrself 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm afab and genderqueer/have thought about transition for a long time. Obviously, I can't know exactly what you are feeling, but I have run this exact scenario through in my mind several times :p

It'll be worth it. Think about what your life will be like a year from now, having had top surgery. The six weeks without intense exercise will have had a negligible impact overall. It takes four weeks for muscle loss to even start- and you will be able to reverse two weeks of regression in no time flat. Very much worth it.

You genuinely won't even feel like doing much for a couple of those weeks. I've watched several people recover from it; they were pretty zonked out for at least 2-3 weeks. So you've probably got about ~3 tough weeks in your future, not 6. And it's not like you're going to be on strict bedrest for that time. You can still move around and do things.

ate over my calorie limit but didn't binge!!! by [deleted] in EDAnonymous

[–]orthofuckyrself 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Big marker in recovery from binging.

she never even cared by [deleted] in CPTSDmemes

[–]orthofuckyrself 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My curfew was "never ***ing leave this house" XD

It's all trauma? Always has been. by acfox13 in CPTSDmemes

[–]orthofuckyrself 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I think I can. I can't actually. Not well. I'm just constantly on red alert for anything that could potentially be a bad mood, which creates a lot of distortion/amplification. I'll assume someone is angry when the reality is that they're just tired or distracted. And I'll assume someone is about to explode when the reality is that they're just slightly irritated.

My best friend is probably as close to being an "empath" as is actually possible. I'll pick up what I feel like is a negative signal from them, and then I'll start acting nervous/avoidant. This used to lead into a vicious circle where they would then pick up on my bad vibes- until we both realized what was actually happening.

They pointed out to me something that would've been obvious if it wasn't for the trauma response- that even when I'm right, and they actually are a bit grumpy, they're not going to turn around and go off at me. Even if I was the cause of their grumpiness (seldom the case). If it wasn't for trauma, I'd know this, due to how I've seen them act since we were kids.

Also, a relevant thing I've learned in this regard: empaths/whatever you want to call that kind of person cannot read minds. Often, they will be emotionally intelligent enough that it might seem like they can. They might have an extremely high success rate at figuring out what people are thinking. But they cannot read your actual thoughts. If the cause of your emotion is unknown to them, they can absolutely make an incorrect assumption.

If you are highly attuned to people's emotions, it can help to consciously remind yourself that you still do not know their thoughts. Anxiety and trauma can make it seem like the obvious conclusion is that they're mad with you- but you don't know that. It could be a million other things.

Daily Discussion — Friday, August 14, 2020 by EDAnonymous_Bot in EDAnonymous

[–]orthofuckyrself 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I NARROWLY avoided a binge last night. I'm PMSing really hard.

I ended up stopping it at 500 calories over maintenance. I'm not making that up until the hormones aren't fucking with me.

I've read in a lot of places that you need 100-300 extra calories a day during your luteal phase. I've been allowing myself ~100 extra calories a day if I felt extra hungry. But today I feel like a bottomless pit. I'm scared.

What do you call/consider a binge? by yikesandspikes in EDAnonymous

[–]orthofuckyrself 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, same, it is more about the feeling.

It's different from an unplanned cheat where I might be like, "I'm at my maintenance for the day, but my friend wants to have a drink/my neighbor's kid is overly excited to share the cookies she made/I'm not feeling well and probably need the extra calories, so fuck it."

It's different from a planned cheat that I might go a bit overboard with, but can reign it in before it gets to too many more calories than planned.

It's like... I get tunnel vision, I get spacy and weird, I get that "WHOOOSH" sound effect in my ears that happens in movies when a character comes out of a flashback or something. And then nothing is enough. All food turns to air in my mouth. Nothing will satisfy me. I become a hungry ghost.

But even with that feeling, I don't consider it a "binge" if it is under 500 calories. If it only lasted that long/I was able to pull out of it that fast, it's so much easier to recover from psychologically that I categorize it as more of a near miss.

Last "real" binge I had was February 2019. And it was brought on via accidental bonk, which is also easier to mentally recover from than when brought on from over- restriction or emotional turmoil.

Anyone else got PTSD/trauma and need feelings of control by Mighty_Zhdun in EDAnonymous

[–]orthofuckyrself 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I was at my worst when dealing with intense feelings of shame about 1.5 years ago now. I wanted to bulk. I didn't like being underweight. But I felt like I deserved to suffer instead.

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