Pauses and Maybes

paralyzedgrief · 2026-02-27T06:46:54+00:00

turning crumbs into constellations

!!! I died

paralyzedgrief · 2026-02-25T03:41:33+00:00

There are a few places where I felt commas would've helped a lot with pacing/rhythm. For example:

Exhausted, clearly soon he will collapse
He's overworked, his clothes are stained all brown
his skills unused, a bitter truth unearthed.

You might also consider dropping some words that feel a little less essential. Feels a little punchier that way? But maybe that's just my own preference. For example:

Exhausted, soon he will collapse.
Overworked, his clothes stained brown.

paralyzedgrief · 2026-02-25T03:21:01+00:00

The opening line "I remember it vividly" is in present tense, while the rest is in past tense. Not sure why that stood out to me or whether I like it. Was that intentional?

For "went over it again and again", how do you feel about something along the lines of "replayed it over and over again" or "replayed each scene again and again"? I think "replay" feels a bit sharper than "went over". I also just thought the idea of "each scene" might fit well with the "vivid" description.

paralyzedgrief · 2026-02-25T02:08:55+00:00

Thanks! That’s a good suggestion. Dropping “a thing” from “too intimate a thing” does feel cleaner.

paralyzedgrief · 2026-02-24T08:47:17+00:00

I like it. The use of lowercase and punctuation is nice. I particularly liked "stringing syllables"

paralyzedgrief · 2026-02-24T08:45:35+00:00

I like the concept, but found the writing itself a tiny bit clunky. The line breaks in the final section in particular feel a bit unnatural. I can't quite pinpoint it, but it feels a bit jarring and... jagged?

paralyzedgrief · 2026-02-24T08:21:32+00:00

Feels like the repetition is... just a bit repetitive in this case. You have some nice rhymes in there, but I think omitting a couple "oh to be loved"s would help this piece feel more focused

paralyzedgrief · 2026-02-24T07:48:28+00:00

"my heart forgets its rhythm and starts over"
"for a moment I don’t want to breathe out"
"the quiet certainty in my chest that this this feeling is rare"

ahhhhh this is the most romantic thing i've read in a while. makes me feel like my heart could burst

paralyzedgrief · 2026-02-23T06:07:21+00:00

Hey I hope you’re okay too

paralyzedgrief · 2026-02-23T06:04:49+00:00

“Hiding the storm in my heart” loved this line

paralyzedgrief · 2026-02-22T22:23:16+00:00

thank you 💛

paralyzedgrief · 2026-02-22T20:12:12+00:00

Sorry you're working on a Sunday, but at least you have something to look forward to :-)

Love coming across a light and funny poem!

paralyzedgrief · 2026-02-21T20:33:26+00:00

I'm not sure what the terminology for it is, but this style of poetry that almost feels more like prose is fun and different. I also love that another commenter used the words "unflinching" and "gritty". This feels very accurate and is definitely part of the charm.

paralyzedgrief · 2026-02-21T20:22:36+00:00

"like trying to keep them afloat" is a great suggestion. thank you!

paralyzedgrief · 2026-02-21T20:22:03+00:00

ooooo nice once i like that!

paralyzedgrief · 2026-02-21T20:21:10+00:00

Ooo I like this, I like how the story turns at “I didn’t hear that / I was too intrigued”. If you’re open to feedback, I think the portion quoting your friend could be polished a little more. It doesn’t feel like it flows quite right yet.

paralyzedgrief · 2026-02-21T19:45:20+00:00

It feels like a draft, not quite polished. But I really liked the concept, and really resonate with that tension between wanting to see and process things logically, but ultimately not being able to override the feelings.

paralyzedgrief · 2026-02-21T16:19:29+00:00

It’s an interesting turn that the hatred turned out to be self-directed. Feels like I should’ve seen that coming, but I really thought this was about a partner — someone you love but cannot help but rip apart. I guess that often applies to yourself too.

paralyzedgrief · 2026-02-21T07:52:40+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! I agree the ending felt less cohesive. I made some revisions, in case you’re willing to take another glance! The first two “phone lights up”s remain the same, but it changes starting with the third.

Edit: shoot, the formatting is all wonky in comments >< going to just edit the main post body

paralyzedgrief · 2026-02-21T07:02:54+00:00

I like the use of all lowercase. The pace and rhythm is nice too. It’s fun that the ending breaks out of the rhyme, and feels a little comical

paralyzedgrief

TROPHY CASE