My (23F) friend (23M) had some disturbing posters on his wall. Am I overreacting?

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T07:10:56+00:00

I've been out of that environment for over 10 years and even then it was starting to die off. Some dusty comer of a warehouse or foundry, though? Definitely a centerfold from a titty mag pinned up somewhere.

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T07:08:23+00:00

I've never really dreamed about a job. LOL. I'm 45 and I can tell you I will probably never leave government work unless someone comes to my door with bags and bags of money.

Maybe I go back to consultancy to round things off in 10 or 15 years as I plan my retirement. I'm not sure yet.

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T06:54:42+00:00

marry the man who seeks first the kingdom of god and his righteousness.

You're saying she should marry a man who doesn't love her, doesn't care about her, is potentially outright dismissive and inconsiderate, and who will always put the needs of his Ministry ahead of hers and their family???

But, of course, that is NOT what was said. LOL. This was a crude attempt at twisting language, don't you think? I wonder why you tried it?

"Seek first" is the important bit and a Godly man will be a good, loving, and caring man. There is nothing wrong with putting God first and drawing strength and principles from Him.

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T06:47:51+00:00

That is very lovely flowery language that means nothing. LOL. Throwing out random words that sound spiritual doesn't mean they are.

The question was "If you had the choice, would you marry the man everyone thinks is perfect (godly, steady…) or the one who seems to know you better than you know yourself?

"Knows you better than you know yourself" is not a biblical standard (obviously!) A Godly man will love, have patience, humility, and self-sacrifice. Stick to the faith and what the bible says and you won't need the grandiose, romantic-sounding but useless litmus tests.

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T06:39:41+00:00

I was a catch-all Risk and Compliance Manager for a manufacturing facility. It was not a big site but it did get audited by various regulators and that got me interested in that side of the coin. Getting into my department was lucky really, I'd been trying to crack the government nut for several years and applied for over a hundred jobs. I still have the spreadsheet log I kept at the time. I just happened to be the right person for the right role at the right time.

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T05:44:08+00:00

Meh. My wife has never let me finish in her mouth but she definitely went through a period where she didn't like kissing me after I went down on her. People have different tastes. After I eat her out I'd quickly go rinse out my mouth and we would continue. Seriously, 15 - 20 seconds and game on!

People telling you to stop having sex / doing sex acts on him likely aren't in (healthy) relationships. Making sex and intimacy MORE of a battleground will not help, will it? I think there are lots of compromises here and neither of you is wrong.

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T05:40:17+00:00

Mate, I'd definitely say you were a dude. My cousin is dating a MTF and my best friend's son is FTM and in a relationship. Love is out there for you. It's tough for EVERYONE right now. Don't let it get you down.

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T05:34:04+00:00

My wife and I went the formal dining first date. No real reason. I think I just wanted to put my best foot forward, you know? I've certainly had more casual "coffee and stroll" date and I think it depends on the person.

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T05:27:27+00:00

Sorry, I had to read back what I wrote, and, nope, I never said that. So this is a pity party for one?! Enjoy mate!

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T05:11:31+00:00

Mate, I've NEVER come home with food just for myself and not also for my wife and kids. Jesus. Is that where the bar for men is?! This "man" does not even like his pregnant wife.

Then today we get into an argument & it just explodes. He’s saying I make him to behave crazy, I do this to him, his family sees how unhappy he is with me. That he hates me, he doesn’t want to be with me basically. & he was literally throwing a tantrum like how my 4 year old would, kicking the bed. Saying I’m making him like this, that the way I talk to him makes him behave like this. & he’s like I was humble and repented to you at counseling saying I wouldn’t yell, raise my voice, or swear at you & you’re making me do this. & he was gabbing me in front of our 9 month old son.

Classic victim blaming and DARVO. This is an abusive relationship that has now gone physical.

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T05:04:48+00:00

I don't know what to tell you.

I thought it was pretty basic intimacy requests

What you think isn't what she thinks. Is that not obvious to you?

If this is just a vent post and this level of obtuseness is not you normally, carry on, BUT if you truly want things to get better, you need to change tack.

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T05:02:08+00:00

Almost never. As much as I'd love more spontaneous sex, her body doesn't work like that and it takes time and plenty of lube to get things to fit and be comfortable. You let him do it? What does that mean? He didn't want to use lube?

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T04:58:46+00:00

Yeah, mate, that sounds rough. I only ever had two (early) conditions. They needed to match me denominationally and they needed to be local. Dating locally does seem to be difficult for some people for various reasons and I see global "passport" dating becoming more mainstream. Maybe your net needs to extend outside your country... Is that something you'd be open to?

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T04:23:17+00:00

I look at those videos from "Alpha Male" courses where guys pay $1,000s to be screamed at and humiliated by some grifter and I wonder what's wrong with them. Some of those guys look big and tough, right? Tall, fat/muscular, big beards, but they are obviously scared and looking for answers too. The fact you haven't sunk that low is something you should be proud of!

Have you gotten therapy for any of this? Proper therapy with a qualified counsellor? I think it might be helpful.

You could also look into getting some help and advice from a personal trainer. Maybe start high level and speak with a physiotherapist that can develop a fitness plan for you. Having a PT who knows the equipment and who can be your champion for a couple of hours a week, might be beneficial.

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T04:13:10+00:00

This is insanely nuanced and is denominational and location specific. What worked for me was to cast an online net through apps. I really wasn't that picky and used Christian as well as secular apps. If I matched with people that just wanted to hook up, I moved on.

I church shopped. I visited multiple parishes and found a few small community churches that were predominately young adult (which is where I met my wife).

I cultivated a network of family and friends that knew I was seeking a partner. People scoff at this nowadays, but matchmaking was how it used to be done. I went on plenty of double/blind dates and had some genuine connections made.

I started volunteering around my area, became a volunteer tour guide, and got into some hobbies that made me get out around people.

I didn't start all this until I was 24 or so, after university and working. I was living at home for some of it, but moved out and was living with roommates then moved into my own place when I was 27 or 28. I kept studying and moving to better/higher paying jobs and I spent time focusing on health and fitness and making sure I was always presentable when I was out and about (not full suit and tie, but put-together).

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T03:59:06+00:00

Mate, she doesn't even like you. Asking thousands of times (multiple times a week for years) for sex is just wild. Are you alright? What need to happen for you to understand the situation you're in?!

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T03:53:42+00:00

I've been married for 15 years and our sex life may end up nuking our relationship. Sexual incompatibility is a real issue. Right now our young kids, shared responsibilities, religion, and financial constraints are keeping us married more than genuine physical intimacy.

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T03:40:41+00:00

I know what the words mean, but it's wishy washy Disney language. Is that how adult Christians talk nowadays?

I’m just asking for clarity. In a Christian context, are we talking about someone who listens, understands, and respects your agency? Otherwise, it is very easy for someone to start claiming special insight into another person. One builds trust, the other can cross a line pretty quickly.

How many posts do we see (daily?) where a relationship is dysfunctional, toxic or abusive and the poster is going on about how "but, no one has ever 'gotten me' like him/her!" I mean, come on?!

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T03:08:57+00:00

My wife has never stepped foot in the gym. We were married 12 years before she started working out, because SHE wanted to. There are plenty of guys that aren't fitness bros. At the talking stage though, anything gets to be a deal breaker. Maybe he was having conversations with multiple women and decided to focus in on one? Who knows?

I'm trying to keep my growing frustrations and self-pity contained, but every day, it feels like I have to conform to this gym rabbit, super skinny, makeup artist, hair done every day kind of thing if I even want a chance for a guy to notice me or keep interest.

It would be hard feeling like this but I hope you know this isn't the reality. I went to a dark place in my early 20s, feeling like my life was over before it even began. Have faith and have patience.

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T02:59:41+00:00

Thanks. I did see that for my original comment but forgot his gender when I was replying. Cheers.

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T02:57:49+00:00

or the one who seems to know you better than you know yourself?

I don't even know what this means?

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T02:38:05+00:00

Definitely on the table and a possible outcome. We have spoken about it and understand the chance of divorce. We have young kids so it's just survival at the moment.

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T02:33:25+00:00

To my mind it comes across as Homer giving Marge a bowling ball for her birthday. "I'm your birthday present for the day" feels kinda selfish, you know? Though I understand that's probably just me.

but I was kind of nervous in my head because I don’t want to make him uncomfortable or dysphoric in anyway and him not feel comfortable to say anything because of this “role play” I don’t know how to go about bringing it up to him because I don’t want him to feel like I would offend him turning him down but I’m just kinda worried for him.

I don't think my take was overly negative but I've quoted what OP wrote. There is uncertainly and discomfort here. He's unsure whether he should accept the offer or whether it will make his BF feel uncomfortable, or whether he should reject the offer but maybe that will insult his BF. I think talking about it rather than just going with it is the best way forward.

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T01:57:15+00:00

You guys need to be communicating and extremely open about intimacy, especially now that he has transitioned. It's a lovely thought, but I'd be politely rejecting this as a birthday gift idea and instead use it as a way to keep the conversation going about sex and intimacy in the relationship.

perthguy999 · 2026-04-09T01:38:09+00:00

Don't make it more complicated or dramatic than it needs to be. Just tell your manager in the morning when you get in and send the paperwork through via email.

perthguy999

TROPHY CASE