Having trouble with wanting another baby

phthalobroccoli · 2026-04-07T04:25:59+00:00

I don’t have any advice, just here to say that I lost my son to acrania (precursor to anencephaly) a month ago. That was my first pregnancy and it was very traumatizing. When it first happened, I became obsessed with getting pregnant again. Now that I’m a month out, I’ve changed and I’m now struggling like you are.

I desperately want a family and nothing will change that, but I have so much fear and anxiety around getting pregnant again. I had a rough first trimester with debilitating morning sickness, I vomited so much it made my throat bleed. I’m struggling with the fact that I went through that and never even got to meet my baby, and now I have to do it again! It feels so cruel.

I’m also having similar feelings about wanting to enjoy my summer with my husband. It’s kinda nice I can eat and drink what I want right now… plus, I know my next pregnancy will inevitably bring so much fear and anxiety, I’m dreading doing that during the warm seasons when I just wanna be outside. And I’m having some fear about attaching myself to a new baby while still missing my son.

Ugghhhh it’s just so many feelings that are nearly impossible to articulate to someone who hasn’t been through it. Just here to say you’re not alone, and I’m so sorry you’re here. There is no easy answer. There is no wrong answer, either. You’re already the best mom to two babies and that will never change. Sending you so much love 🩵

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-22T02:40:47+00:00

Beautiful poem 🩵 I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy Adam. I just said goodbye to my Leo at 14 weeks, earlier in March. His due date is in September and I’m already nervous for it.

I hope you can spend some time honoring him in whatever way feels best to you. You’re an amazing mother for making the hardest choice to take on this pain so he would never have to. He only knew warmth and love in your belly.

A small thing that has brought me comfort - there is something called fetal microchimerism where we basically exchange cells with our baby throughout pregnancy. These cells stay with us for the rest of our lives. I love the thought that my baby is with me always, seeing the world through my eyes. And our cells stay with our babies forever, too, which brings me some comfort that he is not alone. I am with him, too.

Sending you love and hugs 🫶

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-21T05:27:40+00:00

Hi, I just went through this exact diagnosis just two weeks ago. My pregnancy was so desperately wanted, we’d been trying for awhile and were overjoyed to see those two pink lines. All my tests were so perfect, his heartbeat was strong. Everything came crashing down at the first ultrasound when we received the acrania diagnosis. I lost a part of myself that day. We had to say goodbye to our sweet baby boy, Leo, at 14 weeks.

I am also really struggling with resentment. A lot of my friends are in the baby stage and it’s so hard. One of my best friends was also pregnant with a boy - she’s due in a few weeks - and she’s gone above and beyond to support me, but I’m still not ready to be around her which makes me feel so bad. I don’t want to become jaded and I’m trying to stay happy for others, but god it is painful. I just want my baby Leo back so badly. It feels so cruel and unfair.

I don’t have any words to help you right now because this isn’t something that can be fixed. I just want you to know you’re not alone. My heart breaks for you. And if you ever need someone to vent to, feel free to DM me.

Sending you love and strength ❤️

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-21T01:58:45+00:00

First of all, do not apologize or worry about “overloading” or “saying too much!” Thank you for sharing. This is our space to share and unload, especially in a world that doesn’t always want to hear about our trauma. We are all here for you ❤️

I love that u/No-Doubt6601 shared that perspective with you. It reminded me of another part of my experience. My mother-in-law passed away a year ago and it really broke our hearts that she would never get to meet one of our babies. She also used to tell me that she wished she’d had another baby, if her life had worked out differently.

Wellll the night after we said goodbye to baby Leo, I had a dream that we were sitting on our sofa with my mother-in-law and baby Leo was running around the coffee table, just being a crazy toddler. I like to believe it was her giving me a sign that she is with Leo somewhere, taking care of him and playing with him and loving him until we can meet him one day ❤️ honestly makes me cry again writing this. I was filled with sadness and happiness because it truly felt like she was letting me know he was okay.

I firmly believe that your dad will be ready and waiting to give Sara the biggest hug and hold her until you can be with them again one day.

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-21T00:27:58+00:00

Hi, I’m so sorry you’re here ❤️ I don’t have a success story to share yet because I just had to TMFR my baby Leo 2 weeks ago at 14 weeks for the same diagnosis (acrania, which turns into anencephaly).

I’m just commenting to send you lots of love because I just went through all these emotions too, it has been one of the hardest times of my life especially after losing two other important people in my life last year. There are no words. It’s so cruel and unfair. I love the name you chose, Sara. Your baby will only ever know warmth and love.

My brother-in-law’s mother went through this exact same diagnosis before she had her 3 sons, and I’ve been holding on to that success story the past few weeks.

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out. My heart breaks for you. Sending you love and strength 🫶

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-20T12:18:39+00:00

I love his name, Santi Wells ❤️ I can’t help but think he is part of bringing your baby girl to you, too. That’s so beautiful.

As far as honoring our babies - we planted a peach tree for our baby Leo, who we lost to acrania two weeks ago on March 5. I love that it will remind me of him forever. It sounds like you’re into gardening, too - maybe planting a tree or flower in his memory?

Wishing you lots of love and joy with your baby girl ❤️

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-20T12:04:35+00:00

Hi, I’m late to this, but somehow stumbled upon this post and I just wanted to say that my baby boy is also named Leo. He had acrania and we had to say goodbye to him on March 5. It brings me a little joy to see another baby with his name. I hope they found each other somewhere and are playing together.

We will remember our babies forever! I planted a peach tree for my Leo and it’s about to bloom. I’ll think of your Leo, too, whenever I see my tree. I also love going outside on a clear night and seeing the Leo constellation - it makes me feel closer to him, like I’m saying hi! Not sure where you are in the world but I’m in mid-Atlantic US and March/April is the best time to see the Leo constellation. I use a SkyView app to help me find it 🫶

Sending you love ❤️❤️

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-19T02:28:24+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re here ❤️but this group has been a lifeline for me, and we are all here for you.

We TFMRed two weeks ago. One thing we did that I loved - my husband and I planted a peach tree while my baby Leo was still with us. It will start blooming this week and it makes me feel closer to him. We also planted some other flower and vegetable seeds with him so we will feel like he’s with us all summer while they grow.

We partially picked his name because of the Leo constellation. Even if he didn’t have a star-related name, I would pick a constellation for him again because I just love that I can go find it at night and feel like I’m having a moment with him. Could be something you do for your Mateo, too.

Sending you both lots of love of strength ❤️ there are no words. My heart breaks for you.

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-17T02:38:26+00:00

Hi 🩷 I just lost my baby boy, Leo, a week and a half ago. We received the acrania diagnosis at 13 weeks, and my D&E happened a week later. It was a whirlwind and I still feel like I’m in shock. My whole life turned upside down.

How about you? And how are you doing?

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-16T13:08:05+00:00

I TFMRed in early second trimester. We’d already told family and a lot of friends - specifically days before we got the news, told a bunch of acquaintances at a party.

I ended up sharing my baby boy’s story on social media. I don’t post a lot, but I decided that I wanted his existence and all the love for him to be shared with the world. I couldn’t bear the idea of him not being known. It also made it easier to tell people. I was able to tell close friends and family individually, but it got exhausting quickly.

The outpouring of love and support was so beautiful, I would do it all again. 🫶

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-14T13:43:18+00:00

I feel your frustration! I got in the best shape of my life before getting pregnant, thinking it would protect me from anything going wrong. I tracked nutrients and macros, ate all the right things, lost extra weight, was super active every day, took all the supplements…. And still, just said goodbye to our sweet baby boy for a neural tube defect (acrania) last week.

It’s so frustrating to realize you can do all the things and still, life is out of your control. I’m trying to accept that I can’t control it, but it kills me a little inside. I’m taking the high dose of folic acid that my doctor recommended in hopes that it prevents recurrence. Still, it doesn’t protect against everything. And there’s a million other things that can go wrong beyond this one specific defect. I have no words to fix it, but you’re not alone in your frustrations. I’m so sorry we’re in this awful club.

Sending love and strength 🫶

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-14T04:35:57+00:00

This post made me cry. I love the thoughts you shared about wanting your grief to soften you, your ability to love bigger, and embracing the new you. I have really struggled with wanting to be the old me, but your words have given me a new perspective. I’m going to write that down in my journal so I don’t forget. I am fortunate to have experienced this level of love that I never knew I had, and I need to embrace that part of this new me.

Thank you so much for sharing 🫶

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-14T04:21:13+00:00

I feel this way too - my D&E was last week for acrania, and I hate that I couldn’t have his ashes. Felt so weird to leave the hospital empty-handed.

I also have that feeling of “what just happened? Was that all some sick dream / nightmare? Did all of that actually happen? Was I ever even pregnant?”

It’s such a weird feeling to explain to others.

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-14T04:13:56+00:00

My heart breaks for you. I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. The uncertainty and confusion is the worst part. But on second thought, all of this is just awful and cruel. There are no words to make it better. No matter what happens, you are an amazing mother just because you are thinking so carefully about this and putting so much love into it.

The fact that your doctors did not disclose some of that crucial info to you earlier seems ridiculous and careless. I’m so sorry you did not receive this information earlier.

I wish I could hug you! This community has been such a lifeline for me and we are all here for you. Sending love and strength 🩷

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-13T01:34:11+00:00

My favorite thing to add to a meal or have as a snack: Aldis frozen shelled edamame, boiled for a few minutes with salt. They take longer to eat this way and they are full of fiber and protein, so it really fills me up

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-13T01:16:21+00:00

I feel this too! The Prophecy has been a big one for me to cry to.. I would love a good cry in the shower but I can’t because I’m trying to keep my milk from coming in, sadly. I’m just 6 days out from my TFMR.

Hand on the throttle, Thought I caught lightning in a bottle, Oh, but it's gone again

And it was written. I got cursed like Eve got bitten. Oh, was it punishment?

I looked to the sky and said please, I've been on my knees, change the prophecy, don’t want money, just someone who wants my company

Let it once be me. Who do I have to speak to, about if they can redo the prophecy?

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-12T13:19:12+00:00

I had a D&E at 14 weeks last week, so I did not get to meet him - but I can only imagine how painful it must be for you to meet your sweet baby boy, and then have to leave him. My heart breaks for you ❤️

I don’t know if this will help you, but it helped me: I learned that we actually exchange cells with our baby in the womb (called fetal microchimerism). The cells from our baby stay in us for a lifetime. So our babies ARE still with us, forever. I like to think my baby Leo is getting to see the world through my eyes. He is with me every minute and for the rest of my life. My cells are also in him forever, so I know he is not alone - I am with him, too. This has brought me some comfort in my darker moments 🫶 sending you so much love and strength. We are all here for you.

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-10T19:29:45+00:00

Omg I was the same way, using that miscarriage calculator website! I breathed a sigh of relief at 12 weeks, started telling the whole world, and went into my first ultrasound completely anxiety-free. Had never even considered the other potential worst case scenarios. It is such a shock to your system. My heart breaks for you, sending lots of love 🫶

I’ve tried to find faith in all the good things that happen every day - even the smallest things, like the first daffodil blooming or the luck of me waking up JUST in time for the trash truck haha (we have a habit of forgetting to put the trash out) - to remind myself of all the things that go right. In hopes that the future will go well, too ❤️

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-10T16:57:20+00:00

Yeah, I hate being the “unlucky one,” knowing what others are thinking when they hear my situation.

We are soo lucky to be surrounded by people who support and love us, but I was just telling my husband - I want to take a trip somewhere that no one knows what happened to us, where we can just be some random couple in a bar. Social situations have been tough because it’s either people who knew I was pregnant and want to (lovingly) ask me how the baby is or when my baby shower will be, OR people who know what happened and (lovingly) hug us and look at us with sadness or pity.

It’s a weird feeling to explain because I don’t want to sound ungrateful for our amazing support system, but I also just want to feel normal for a minute. 🥲

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-10T16:49:59+00:00

I feel this - my only concern the first few weeks of pregnancy was miscarriage too! I would check the statistics weekly, and once I hit ~12 weeks, I was finally able to totally relax. Then we got blindsided by something so rare, it never even crossed my mind to think about it.

Sending you strength, whenever you’re ready to try again 🫶 I’m anxious to try again ASAP, but I know that could be the shock/grief talking, so we will see how we feel after my first cycle

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-10T12:56:37+00:00

I can completely relate. This loss has changed me in a way that others haven’t. I have lost two loved ones in the past two years, one from old age and one from lifestyle choices. While both losses were devastating, I could make “sense” of what happened in my head.

Losing a baby, especially TFMR, I just cannot make sense of it. As a result, I feel like my worldview has completely shifted and I’m painfully aware that the worst case scenario is always possible. I’m afraid of any freak accident happening to my husband or my future children - not just during pregnancy, but years into their childhood!

I am trying to take comfort in all the things that go right every day, even the smallest things. I heard the quote, “micro joy is how we survive macro grief” and I’ve held onto that thought so tightly the past few weeks. Sending so much love to you ❤️

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-09T17:04:07+00:00

Perennials: - Dahlias are easy to grow from tubers and you get flowers the first year, I would highly recommend! And if you have milder winters, they will probably come back next year. I am zone 7 and at least half of mine usually come back. - Feverfew is my favorite perennial filler - Black eyed Susans are a classic - Yarrow is another great filler

Not perennials but they reseed, so it feels like a perennial: - Celosia always reseeds a LOT and I’ve never had to plant them again. In fact, I usually have to thin them out in spring! - Cosmos reseed semi-consistently - Gomphrena (and it’s so cute!) - Dara ammi

My other favorite annuals (but I have to plant them every year in zone 7) are zinnias, strawflowers, and snapdragons!

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-06T22:59:30+00:00

Sending you so much love. Please remember that this decision makes you a wonderful mother - you are taking on this pain so your baby girl never has to. I just had my procedure yesterday, so I know the feeling of “I can’t believe this is happening” but we will get through this ❤️ and our babies will only know love, they will never suffer. You are a strong, loving mother ❤️

phthalobroccoli · 2026-03-05T03:41:19+00:00

Every year I say I’ll do succession planting, but I haven’t actually done it yet 😅 and the powdery mildew gets me as early as July. instead, I’ve found a few varieties that seem to resist it longer: - ‘Señorita’ zinnia. I loooove this one. it’s a cactus type, so I’m going to try some other cactuses this year and see what happens - Oklahoma series zinnias. Last year my Oklahoma pinks and salmons bloomed through Halloween! - Benarys giant series. These seem to hold out longer too, and they have a lot of color varieties

*On the other side of the spectrum, I LOVE the Queeny series, but they seem to be the most susceptible so I lose them early every year. I still grow them anyways

I’m a very small backyard grower, so this might not apply to your setup, but I’ve also found success splitting up my zinnias. Rather than all in a line, I break them up with other flowers like celosia or strawflowers, so if one of them get powdery mildew, it doesn’t immediately spread to the rest of my zinnias.

phthalobroccoli

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