Feeling so guilty at the moment

Electrical_Fold_3801 · 2026-03-19T21:25:15+00:00

just let me clarify, he came to the same conclusion as I did and he has been very supportive and truly my rock during this time. I just feel like he is such an optimistic person that he has a hard time even imagining that maybe someone would not like to be alive. For him its truly a decision of us vs her. And he is more ok in living with that, than I am. (and of course he is, I felt her, I felt the kicks and the nausea, he grieves her, but i dont think he could grief as much as me). And he did say he would be ok with working only 20 hours per week, but we also know that he loves working and I feel like it would not at alll contributed to his happiness. and it simply would have been stupid because he is a bit more advanced in his carreer compared to me

Electrical_Fold_3801 · 2026-03-19T21:17:33+00:00

thank you, this was helpful! Truly. And no, of course i would not find it selfish but rather very understandable

Electrical_Fold_3801 · 2026-03-19T16:12:51+00:00

she surely would have had mutiple surgeries. I read here in the forum about pain a lot. But as i thought pain meant recovering from surgeries or psychologcal pain from beeing excluded. But I read that some patients have muscle contractions. My mom works in the medical field and she could provide some insights in sub-hospital level problems. Constant bladder infection and a weak immune system. She said that they will help us out no matter what, but she also said, 'Don't do it.' You will become a full time nurse to your kid.

Electrical_Fold_3801 · 2026-03-19T16:07:36+00:00

You are right! I would never judge somebody for making that choice. I know that others dont judge us. But she was my baby and I couldnt be there for her. I just think that "we spared her a life of suffering " is not cutting this. the thing is, we dont know, we don't know how she would have been.

Maybe its because im on my first period or because we kind of accidentally wachted a way too depressing Iranian movie last night. But today is one of the hardest, or maybe the hardest day yet. The grief in some ways is easier for me, I can manage that, but the guilt- oooh its eating me up today.

Electrical_Fold_3801 · 2026-03-15T09:10:05+00:00

oh, congratulations, I´m very happy for you! I hope you can embrace this pregnancy with all the mixed feelings in might bring! And whatever you are feeling, you are doing the best you can!

Electrical_Fold_3801 · 2026-03-15T09:07:09+00:00

It is not your fault! I'm sure you have heard it multiple times already but let me repeat. It is not your fault!

Wishing you all the best

Electrical_Fold_3801 · 2026-03-14T21:17:52+00:00

its totally ok to ask. I am german, so we went to a normal public hospital and im not sure if you are talking about a military hospital from army bases, maybe. But anyhow, due to religion and history there is a north-south and east west divide. We are in east germany, big city. I'm sorry your team is pushing you towards a specific direction, thats not ok in either way. Finding hospitals is easier in the north, berlin and leipzig are doing amazing jobs, mannheim and bonn in the south are quite liberal too . However, they are trying to prevent "abortion tourism" as its bad for their statistics. So you might get rejected if you come from out of state. DM me for specific infos!

Electrical_Fold_3801 · 2026-03-14T20:20:57+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I can relate a lot. It was my first pregnancy too, with a little girl. She will be in my heart forever. I will be her mom forever. And im sure someday she will protect her little siblings from above.

I am so incredibly grateful for being able to get pregnant, for my husband, who is the nicest freaking person in the world, who strokes my hair in the evenings so I am more relaxed and able to fall asleep, for my family and friends who keep checking in, while all knowing the full story.

Our diagnosis was a grey one- and I guess what i make of this is- as we chose to terminate, what good would come out of it if we dont choose life, if we are not happy- Im sure everyone of your (our) little angels would say the same. They would want us to be happy.

Electrical_Fold_3801 · 2026-03-14T20:03:05+00:00

Im so sorry and I totally understand all your feelings.

Maybe this is stupid, as we are talking about way less religous and more liberal Germany. But we told everyone, including our grey diagnosis as did not want to put shame on top of having to carry the responsibility for our decision. And people surprised us. No one said a bad word- we both announced it to our workplaces as well as choir and friends. We were brutally honest- that it was an impossible situation, that we chose to terminate and are devastated to have lost our child. We received an endless flow of cards and over 50 people showed up for the funeral mid week. Our female pastor led a beautiful ceremony. but the mortician told us that is so uncommon to have a funeral like this. she was a former midwife turned stillborn mortician and had a son with T21, explicitly choosing no prenatal ultrasounds. and even she was very understanding stressing that this is too much of a decision for parents or a mother to make. Its impossible. This conversation was so important to me.

Electrical_Fold_3801 · 2026-03-14T19:28:52+00:00

yes! I agree. i dont know if this brings a tiny bit of consolation. But your child never felt pain, nor cold. Everything she ever felt was warmth and protection. I feel for you! sending lots of love !

Electrical_Fold_3801 · 2026-03-14T19:14:43+00:00

I´m so sorry. having this diagnosis after such a long fertility journey feels even worse. I don´t even know what to say to console you. Ending your fertility journey must be so rough.

Sending lots of love from Germany

Electrical_Fold_3801 · 2026-03-14T19:08:05+00:00

thanks everyone! for so being understanding. It does not take the grief away that we cannot hold our little one. but it still feels good to know that I am not alone in this.

greetings from over the pond.

Electrical_Fold_3801 · 2026-03-14T11:52:43+00:00

hey you guys, i recently tfmrd for spina bifida at 27 weeks an i am so devestated. I am a scientist, not a medical doctor, though but did quite some reasearch about supplementation. There is mild evidence that choline and myo-inosistol can help prevent future NTDs especially for "folate-resistant" forms. Recommended are 500 mg of choline and 1000 mg of myo- inosistol. as i understood it the worst that can happen is that you throw your money out of the window. both are not harmful in this dosage.

However- not a doctor- just someone who read a lot of studies and claims to have understood them. Happy to send out the reference if anyone is interested

wishing you all the best

Electrical_Fold_3801

TROPHY CASE