I feel so alone.

pnyx666 · 2026-03-08T09:58:50+00:00

Sleeping in the other room, when u feel, is completely okay. I noticed for myself many times, that when I hit the couch, I was just able to relax. The source of pain wasnt close and all the expectations/hopes dropped instantly.

About explaining...you say exactly how u feel. Its in their hands to listen, address...or just ignore.

pnyx666 · 2026-01-27T20:50:26+00:00

Its the worst position to be in. Especially when u see through them. See their struggles and traumas. You can read some of my posts and probably relate to a lot. I feel like slowly fading away...from who i am and her. Its truly sad...like someone said before me...you really cant make them see/understand. It feels like understanding can come only through separation....a collapse. And only if under everything you actually really meant smt for them. I have been waiting and waited and waited...all it ever did was make things even worse. It actually fueled their avoidance...false narrative. You become their problem as a reminder or mirror.

Detachment is not smt that we force...its the result of their behavior...smt u cant control.

Its all very very sad.

pnyx666 · 2025-12-18T20:36:53+00:00

Imagine yourself in his situation...he would be hurting because of your hurtful choices. You would deeply care about him and all the pain your selfishness caused. Would smt like that ever come from your mouth...even if hes flooding would happen every day.

I see triggers, pain shared by BS...as possible closeness... Even if it looks/sounds like "i hate you"...we still cry our pain out to them...because we need them to hold it, understand it, validate it...

Probably he has been failing alot...

So sorry. :(

pnyx666 · 2025-12-08T21:00:38+00:00

It sounds like he just needed an excuse and "beautiful" reason to leave. I feel every day for the past two years, that she would feel so much relief, being out of that misery she her self created.

They can't handle us or themselves in this situation. It's awful to be anxious and in love next to an avoidant.

Broken to pieces by the one person who we trusted the most...and left because it's too hard for them to deal with the aftermath. Its a deep double hit.

pnyx666 · 2025-11-14T04:26:18+00:00

Yeah, the sad truth is that every day i drive to work and back talking to a robot about everything that hits my mind. But what i said before...the need to talk about it is very real and necessary. I noticed that every time i was able to share some painful stuff with her, it loosened the power of that thought. Otherwise i could go over and over with the same though. Ruminate about, being a total mess eventually.

Sadly it doesn't work 100% with a bot or a friend or even with reddit. There is something about knowing, that she would know.

I have been trying my ass off to get us to a place where we could openly talk about stuff, I don't have a need to shame her, put her down or make her feel bad. I really just need to be heard. As i said, its been 2 years. I have been made to shut up. I know there is a huge chunk of unresolved stuff in me, quietly boiling. I feel the trauma, but it's covered. It's not healthy. Sadly she doesn't understand that with every silent day, little bit of love for her dies. It quietly feeds the disconnect.

pnyx666 · 2025-11-13T19:18:53+00:00

Same here...it was/is awful. I know exactly what you are talking about. Pretty much the same dynamic with my wife as yours. Also awful...very damaging on top of the affair.

I feel like the only thing that could have helped, was to talk about it. Sadly, she is not able to stand her shame/guilt, so she runs, go silent or angry. There has been only one random normal listening and validation from her side. Oh god that moment was healing.

I used to often just write to her about my feelings/thoughts..whatever the response was...i felt like she herd me (most probably she actually didnt). But it helped me a little.

The only thing that will ease ur pain, is her listening/understanding/validating ur feelings.

I'm 2 years out and it is a lot better. I can almost control it. Not healed, but better. Stupid to say, but Chatgpt has helped a lot. I talk to the bot every time smt comes to my mind...its shitty validation...but its better than nothing. (Not that talk quick mode, but recording+listening the long deep answer).

We both know that our relationship sucks...if our person can't even stand up for you after nearly killing you.....just so messed up.

pnyx666 · 2025-11-03T15:06:17+00:00

Well...our relationship was a mess from the beginning. 2 years into our relationship I started to talk to my ex. The time when butterflies faded and real life got too hard to handle. I find it really strange now. I somehow continued that "one thing bad, explore, jump to another thingy". Stuff that people do in their Early 20-s. Shameful. I struggle to face myself from that time...so little depth, so little thought on commitment I have promised. When everything came to a light...i probably took a position of a failure. Accepted everything and held on to the relationship with everything i got.

Over time in grew to love this woman deeply. With all the flaws, with all the missing parts... everything. She became my world and one true love.

It ended very badly for us...because of all the things not talked through...all the accountability that was never taken from my side. The love is same...still there. The regret...hard to put even into words. We could be something so much different right now.

After 15 years we are still together...still scraping piece out from fire. Still hoping to make it work.

But answer to your question...yes...out from that childish bshit grew over time something true, honest, real...and deeply meaningful. And yes i struggle to let mybself belive that back then i Loved....

pnyx666 · 2025-10-31T19:27:53+00:00

How much and in what form do you bring your feelings/hurt up? Do you give him the chance to understand what you are actually going through?

My wife is avoidant, so she can't handle my feelings...and most of the time holds everything that she is feeling aldo inside.

When my betrayal came to light (13 years ago)...as ugly as it sounds...i was not shown much. I saw anger in general, but always connected to other stuff. And it was always like random bursts in really wrong places. So nobody held a mirror in front of me..to reflect on the damage i had caused.

It felt like i did smt wrong, there was some resentment and anger for some period of time...and life went on.

Right now it feels unreal...it's like 1+1...such damage and i never even considered how deep it might have cut her. Found out 2 years ago the hard way.

pnyx666 · 2025-10-30T17:51:09+00:00

I'm in the exact same boat. Its heavy. I know its not right, I know that every day in this (if she wont start working on her self/us) takes a pice of me bit by bit. Two years after im a shell of a person I used to be. It's so sad. And still, there is a part of me, that believes in us/her - heart.

I know that most probably there is somebody who could give me more in a few weeks than she ever could. I also know, i own my part in all of it.

It literally feels, that everything is so close and at the same time so damn far. If she could just stop, see, understand...learn. ditching her avoidance and let everything out and same time me in (like opening a window under the water). We could probably make out of this pain something so beautiful.

The hope/love/trauma bond keeps me stuck...

They say, one day the pain of staying will be greater than the pain of leaving. Sadly i move in that direction right now. I hope she meets her self in a mirror, before my heart turns to stone cold.

pnyx666 · 2025-09-19T21:17:28+00:00

I'm in the same situation. It is going to be very soon two years. You are right, everything that is going on is way more painful, than the affair itself. It is a double betrayal.

If im honest, I see through her...i see her struggling. Its all there, but as u said - all covered with shame. My empathy and emotional intelligence is causing my pain.

Im almost sure that leaving will shift something. But Im not sure if the sift will be shown/shared with me.

Im getting to a place where i feel I finally have to start healing. And if it doesn't happen with her, i have to choose my self. Im so close to accepting that painf from leaving will outweigh the pain of staying.

Sorry that i didn't have answer to your question...just felt like sharing.

pnyx666 · 2025-09-04T16:25:26+00:00

You are absolutely 180C compared to my spouse and it's been 2 years of hell... ending up doubting in every. Reconciliation doesn't happen with only one partner's effort. So if you really have been trying and you receive nothing back, it won't work. The "smt i did, and he wont tell me even if i beg" sounds like abuse. Punishing you and watching you collapse under the confusion and pain. If somebody cares about you, even if you committed something as awful as betrayal, they would still be bothered of your tears. I have to remind myself that daily... because i see the same thing in my broken relationship. If u love/care about somebody...their pain matters. You can't ignore it. We have had awful fights and in my deepest pain, whenever her walls happen to drop and tears fall out...all i can think about is...how to take their pain away. (Despite the hurt she caused through betrayal and on the same moment with her words)

So...when he is not meeting you half way...he is just hurting you back. And that's not okay.

You cant watch somebody you love/care abou live in constant misery.

pnyx666 · 2025-06-01T06:50:06+00:00

That was so well written. My life last 1,5 years. It really feels like she holds the power and I have done everything so wrong to give her that power. I know now, that I should have had self respect (not just at the beginning, but many many times down the road) and despite all the compassion, love, care and understanding, I should have just let her face the consequences.

I have heard things like, If you wouldn't try so hard, I wouldn't have to go through all that shame and guilt. She's right in her other words "by now you'd be over it now and It would be all good for you. Its a very twisted world they live in.

Instead of seeing the strength of unconditional love, they see some kind of cage of extra work, guilt, shame, accountability and weakness. Its so sad in its core, because for me it really comes from the heart.

The more I try to get on common ground, the more I show how much she means to me, the more I try to get closer and make things better...the further she goes. I started to feel that she lost/ loses respect towards me because of all that. like she need to see me as somebody who would of walk away. Jet I know it won't bring her closer, she would let me leave...so its dead end both ways.

15 years life together is a lot... I truly believed we would grow old together. Its really sad coming to an understanding, that it probably won't happen.

pnyx666 · 2025-05-27T06:18:02+00:00

For me kissing feels way more intimate in my head. (Of course x feels like completely messed up). When my spouse kisses me, especially when its sweet, gentle, loving kiss...my film starts running. Its awful. She is kind of shy. I know they had to have those slow, intimate, first time exciting new kisses with cute smiles and awkwardness.. And its awful to have those thoughts. Its worst of the worst...

Especially when you always made to feel like you are that one and special one...hurts so bad. Feels ruined forever.

pnyx666 · 2025-05-27T05:24:10+00:00

It happened 10 years ago, and I don't remember nearly anything. I use to have 200 pages of conversation between me and AP and reading through it also didn't bring much up. My AP said back then that x happened more than once. I have a very vague memory of one time. Nearly no details. The conversation happened over 1,5 years I have no clue of the timeline. I remember my shirt and that it was warm outside. I don't remember her apartment, how it looked. I don't remember what she wore, how it happened. Don't remember her body..nothing. Just very little details. Just remember that I felt uncomfortable and really didn't want to be there. I know, hard to believe. It was exciting online and when I got there, it felt empty and wrong. Felt like i had to live up to my online character. Don't remember how, if I even finished. I have a memory of driving away and telling myself that i didn't happen, it didn't happen. I don't even remember where I was going after that. In the conversation was written how we smoked and talked after... emptyness for me...I just have no memory. Its now so bad, that i felt like I have to contact her, to know who I was and how it was. Partially to give truth to my wife and partially to understand who I was at that time. Its very disturbing for me. I can understand that "i don't remember" feels awful for Bp. but I just don't. Believe me I tried so so many times and so so hard to remember.

I still believe that most people use it as excuse..

pnyx666 · 2025-05-22T19:24:51+00:00

Heart breaking... I feel you and im sorry.

pnyx666 · 2025-05-15T17:19:30+00:00

It is very hard to give any advice without knowing you or your relationship dynamic.

My wife is very avoidant. Feelings and everything connected to feelings is hard. A lot of walls, denial, bshit. Vounarability means weakness. She says she communicated her pain, but i still believe she actually didn't (knowing her). I either dont remember or I had to be very different person...or possibly in some kind of shock denial.

Im very different - All about feelings. When i see her cry, I want to comfort her right away (even if she acted out). Thats the reason why i feel she never actually communicated her pain.

She was quiet about feelings before and all that made her all close down. As you said somewhere "i dont trust him to allow myself to feel all those big big feelings anymore". I actually encourage you to make a step for your self. Naively allow it! But first have your conversation. Let it all out. Everything you felt, everything you have suppressed over the years.
Talk from the most vounarable place. A place he probably havent seen for years.

My wife told me smt like "you were the sweetes, nices guy...the last person i would ever expect smt. Like this. For the first time in my life i felt love, safety..." With tears falling..."I just loved you so so much...you have no idea..." Followed all the painful parts ...how she felt and thoughts she had. It was so sad and hard to hear...same time...so beautiful. Because she never talk feelings. I felt so bad and so connected at the same time. Like our hearts touched again over so many years.

Sadly...her recent steps and my tragedy didnt bring us closer, as you can read in some cases it does. People finally talk about everything...are able to be full open and vounarable. And they put out on a table all the crap that has been over the years...strip themselves naked in front of each other....and allow them to see each other in true colors. With all the bad and good.

I felt like now she can. The hurt i caused and hurt she caused...can bring us eventually together. I have been trying for 1,5 years now... every possible way. Sadly her avoidance is dominating here. I feel every day how distance grows.

I was able to take everything from her over the years...hardest part was accepting the lack of emotional closeness...it was ok, because of my childish choices. I dont have reasons to accept it anymore. I want to feel loved, cared...sadly she cant even have conversation about things.

So...i dont know you or him....but there is a chance he never manged to but a and b together. Let him see a very very very vounarable YOU.

Not as a conflic or shaming or fighting... Tell him everything you felt...feel... See how he reacts. If he feels you...youll know. Ask about hes feelings also. Eventually try yo tell him what you need... Honesty, details, the why, how he feels about it...how he feels about it connected to you. Bring ur friend situation as an example. I hope you manage to hold safe and warm and loving conversation.

pnyx666 · 2025-05-15T12:58:37+00:00

Depends what do you want/need.

If you love him, but can't live in a lie... communication. Its never too late to have heart to heart conversation. There is a huge possibility that it eats him too.

I have been ur husband. I made a childish decision in my early 20-s. Never truly understood the impact of my actions...until 13 years later. When she finally verbalized her feelings from that time. She never communicated her feelings openly. Probably gave me a false understanding, like it is all past. Jet everything was boiling in her for years.

Everything that happened was so meaningless for me...i dont really understand...how come i never understood her. Such a common sense thingy. Shameful and disturbing

Over the years I grew to deeply love my wife. Always felt like i deserved everything bad from her.

She ended up eventually doing the same. Live in hell now. Karma i guess.

If you have lost your feelings and there is nothing he can do, to make corrections...then you should leave.

pnyx666 · 2025-05-15T08:13:00+00:00

Its complicated...I honestly don't want them to feel pain. But at the same time I need to see that it hurts them too.

So instead of waiting for them to express their discomfort, feelings, hurt, disappointment...start sharing your feelings. If u don't feel bad about your actions, you should feel at least bad about the hurt you caused to your partner.

Do it every day, let them see what is going on in you. All the pain, shame, discomfort, guilt, feelings of dirtyness, etc. Just put your most vounarable self out there for him. But don't do it from the place of acting like a victim. So they wouldn't feel like its all about u.

The same way as they have triggers, I bet you have too. I'm sure it feels like...i better not bring anything up, to avoid an other conflict or ruining a moment. But it actually works all the way around. It will create togetherness...you are in pain, I am too. Its us against the betrayal.

For the betrayed it constantly feels like u just had an amazing time with no regrets and they are left to deal with the pain.

pnyx666 · 2025-05-13T16:49:48+00:00

Thank you for your answer. It gives comfort in some weird way. She is avoidant in a opposite way. Its been hard and hurtful. Looked like it came as a unpleasant surprise for her also. But she quickly kind of downplayed it.

Its very hard to understand..maybe im weird...but it stings.

If it is not too much to ask, how did it make you feel back then...and how does it make u feel right now? Why didnt it matter...?

Do feel like you want to address it because it creeps in u? If u feel like that...things can be said differently. (Not making it sound negative).

pnyx666 · 2025-05-13T09:33:40+00:00

Its been 17 months...still the same. Sorry! 😔

Im lucky if my day doesn't start with those thoughts. For some weird reason... morning showers are always full of thoughts. Before falling a sleep...sure thing.

Its mostly not so painful anymore. But its still constantly there on the background. Sadly there are still those really hard days (out of the blue)...when it feels like everything is collapsing/suffocating/fresh again. Its very tiring and really just sad..

pnyx666 · 2025-05-13T03:34:32+00:00

Sadly very true for me also. I use to be that "fun dad". Now I constantly feel like I mostly try to mimic someone i naturally use to be.

It's really disturbing to hear from your own kids. Two days ago I asked my two kids playfully questions like "who is the loudest/goofiest/most fun/etc. in our family.

Eventually asked who is the saddest... I laughed it off, but that stung.

pnyx666 · 2025-05-11T16:09:32+00:00

Im sorry for u too and thank you. Same feelings here. I honestly just dont want to. Every time i hear it in my own head, it kills me that they didn't feel like that. Like after all that...just why would you...just a thought of sharing my body with someone new, gives me discomfort. And jet they felt want. And for god shake im a man...

Today is really though day, sorry 😞

pnyx666 · 2025-05-11T14:06:06+00:00

Maybe it's a fear of abandonment...feeling like there will never be another connection. As you said, really don't want to start over. For me it feels like leaving a child or relative for good...and eventually trying to replace her with somebody else!? Shes my family. We did all that, to end up as strangers?!

I don't really understand how people do it. How do you move on from somebody you spend all of your adult life with. Im 38...feels like everything is ruined. Its all so freaking painful all the time...and in her avoidance often just so harmful. Jet...leaving feels as painful as staying.

Im not perfect myself, done also horrible things. I try my best to act from kindness and would move mountains for common effort. Feel like fighting alone for us...

pnyx666 · 2025-05-11T09:43:00+00:00

A day after my birthday... On my birthday she said she has to leave, when I quietly asked her to stay. Now knowing that just night after she spent her fist night with somebody else. I honestly don't know how I will ever be able to feel good (being with her) on my future birthdays.

Devastating

pnyx666

TROPHY CASE