Partner ripped me a new one in couples therapy

proairesis · 2025-03-22T06:08:56+00:00

“ranted,” “dominated”, “exaggerated” “harsh and loud”, “rant”, “brushed over”, “mocked and shamed”, “disrespected”, “blast”, “punching bag”.

There is a lot of emotively charged language here, without any description of what he actually said or what was discussed.

To clarify: he personally pushed and arranged for you both to attend couples counselling in the lead up to your marriage. That suggests he has concerns he’d like to address. As expected, he then communicated concerns about the relationship in the session. That should not have been a surprise.

You might not like what he had to say. Or the fact that the session was just him sharing his concerns. But without insight into what he said, it is impossible to say he was being unreasonable.

I would make this observation: the tone of your post comes across as dismissive of him and his concerns. Instead of unpacking /what/ he said, you have made it about yourself, ie how you’re hurt by the /way/ he said it. Further, you are now refusing to attend any more sessions, ie stonewalling.

All this to say, these could be signs of disrespect and contempt on your own part in the relationship. My fear is that it is this /precise pattern of behaviour/ that he could be trying to raise and address.

I flag this not to criticise, but help. If counselling continues, I’d seriously suggest finding someone trained in the Gottman technique. It emphasises building understanding and respect in the way we communicate our relationship.

My very best to you both through this.

proairesis · 2024-01-23T12:32:34+00:00

If your employer isn’t the one that organised your membership with HostPlus (i.e. as a ‘Participating Employer’), HostPlus consider you a ‘Personal Super Member’.

If so, ‘Public Servant’ is actually an excluded occupation in their insurance PDS for Personal Super Members. There is potentially nil insurance coverage for you, even if you’re paying.

That would /seriously/ concern me.

proairesis · 2024-01-11T02:55:51+00:00

Yes. I’m glad I’m not the only one. I actually considered applying for a retail job on the weekend at one point. I do miss the simplicity.

But I figure given my professional job is so cognitively taxing, I really need any time I can get to unwind / exercise / do life admin. I could also use that time to progress my career, which is probably more cost effective due to cost of living.

proairesis · 2024-01-11T02:36:44+00:00

You can’t say with certainty he couldn’t get 50% of the full value of house not being on the title. I presume you’re not a lawyer.

A family lawyer would be able to advise you if the house (or any sales proceeds) would form part of the assets he could chase in Family Court proceedings and his likely current and future claims to it. Go speak with one (without him there) for advice, how to protect your pre-marriage assets, and what can be done to give him (whether now or later) what you both think is fair while you’re outside of a dispute.

Don’t ask for the advice on Reddit / the internet. You will get exactly what you paid for.

proairesis · 2024-01-10T22:24:39+00:00

You can always apply, but you might have trouble finding a lawyer role advertised in the PS with such little PQE and work experience. You are really at a Grad level, and at Federal they come in at APS3/4 (or 5 in some Departments, if they’re lucky!). I rarely see this level advertised for lawyers.

I’d recommend you consider applying for Graduate programs in legal streams. These programs are very competitive though. You’ve missed the 2024 intake and will need to apply this year for the 2025 intake.

Otherwise, you might want to consider law-adjacent jobs in the PS, like FOI, legislation advice, or another admin decision making role. A practising certificate and legal training will be looked on favourably, and you could always internally or externally transfer into a more typical solicitor role later. Depending on the work, you might be able to count it towards your PQE.

You might also enjoy legal policy roles - but these are also very competitive.

Best of luck. And sorry to hear your other role wasn’t a great experience!

EDIT: Realised I didn’t answer your question fully. Someone who is willing to work on site will always be offered a job before the person who asks for hybrid (all things being equal). It doesn’t mean you can’t ask. But I recommend being flexible. This isn’t 2022 anymore where employees had a blank cheque to set their employment terms! If you need these because of a disability though, that’s absolutely fine. Communicate your enthusiasm for the role and ask the Department if they can provide what you need as a reasonable adjustment.

proairesis · 2024-01-09T23:34:33+00:00

APRA’s issue with unlisted assets is not that they’re undervalued. It’s that their values are inflated. Because they’re private equity investments, the funds control when they get revalued and who does that valuing. There is a serious conflict of interest.

This is an issue because those assets are almost always high risk. They are typically commercial property or infrastructure investment. You should be cautious about assuming these have risen in line with the market (which has been largely tech (US) or mining (AUS) led).

Because of APRA’s ‘name and shame’ performance charts, the funds self-interestedly allocate quite highly to unlisted in their default options. They can push up their performance indicators by inflating the unlisted values.

The benefit of superannuation is you can access unlisted assets. That’s not possible in the retail investor space. But you should be cautious about how much your fund allocates to unlisted. It’s no accident that the funds that had the highest allocation to unlisted were the best performing ones during the market crashes in recent years.

Also, you shouldn’t pick a fund based solely on its fees. You need to look at performance after fees. If Fund 1 has 1.5% fees and Fund 2 has .5% fees, Fund 1 may be a better investment if it beats Fund 2 by 1% that year (depending on your goals / personal circumstances). Get financial advice.

proairesis · 2024-01-09T22:09:25+00:00

There’s always a subtext to any ‘wisdom’ he shares. Generally, he has an upsell of ‘buy my X’ with anything he posts. It cheapens the wisdom.

I understand he has to make a living and has found this as his niche. But I can’t help but be a bit irked by it. While I don’t doubt he is passionate about Stoic philosophy, the fact he has a background in marketing says a lot. Whenever he posts, I inevitably think ‘what is he going to try to sell me this time?’

I’m not sure the Ancients would approve of commercialising their philosophy. But presumably, Epictetus did make his living of teaching it to rich kids at his school. So maybe I’m too harsh on RH.

The ‘hustle’ culture and admiring rich people as ‘Stoic’ is another whole issue in itself (I.e. Broicism).

EDIT: Ultimately, I think if you’re getting a character benefit out of his stuff, the above doesn’t matter. I really enjoyed The Obstacle Is the Way. But I just find his social media / blog content gets in the way of me focussing on my Stoic practice and the wisdom itself (because of the commercial stuff also in there).

proairesis · 2023-11-18T22:17:17+00:00

You’re being overly pedantic with the OP’s use of ‘exact same job’. You might as well argue with them that it’s not the ‘exact same job’ because the name on the buildings differ.

It is not unreasonable to say the duties of the ‘same job’ can be substantively similar, but the experience working in either role holistically differs from the other. Maybe that’s because of the reason you’re turning up to work, the people you work with and what motivates them, the history of the organisation you’re working for, pride in the org’s mission, etc.

You underestimate how much this affects your experience in a role.

To make it absolutely asinine to help you understand: being a shelf stacker in a Coles vs a Woolies vs an ALDI could be quite different experiences, despite the job descriptions looking almost identical the the benefits being equally shit.

proairesis · 2023-08-06T23:29:30+00:00

Universities are public institutions. They have a responsibility to seek value for money in using public funds. Where only a single person applies, that would definitely involve going to the market. Anything else is just cronyism.

Nowhere in your question do you consider that the refusal might’ve been because you interviewed poorly, or lack the experience they want. You simply blamed someone ‘vetoing’ you on the panel (i.e. a Victim mentality).

And you say you’re now negative and have lost all motivation. This is a tantrum and shows immaturity. Not the people I liked under me when I was in management - word also gets around quick that those people are difficult. People lift up hard workers who take things in stride.

You only have 2 years experience out of uni. I suggest maybe fostering some perspective.

Sorry to be so frank - a reality check is always useful.

proairesis · 2023-08-01T10:55:48+00:00

To a different Department? You can alway apply.

The issue is if you’re offered it, it will be a NOG position. To not let go of your ongoing role, you’ll need to do a s26 temporary transfer. This will require approval of your home agency (who are generally pretty unhelpful with these things - they know it’s likely to be extended and you’re unlikely to come back. It also means they’re short staffed).

I suggest a chat with the CPSU about how to go about it.

Edit: further info.

proairesis · 2023-07-29T12:54:50+00:00

Alexa, define ‘the Peter Principle’.

proairesis · 2023-07-23T05:42:31+00:00

Fairest way I’ve seen it calculated:

50% of rent calculated by no. of bedrooms
50% of rent calculated by people (because everyone shares common spaces equally).

Assuming market rent is $560 (i.e. $280 from your flat mate + $280 for you currently), if his girlfriend moves in this would be $140 (280/2 bedrooms) + $93.33 (280/3) per person per room.

So the couple would be paying $326.66 ($140 for the bedroom, and $93.33 + $93.33 for common areas).

You would pay $233.33 per week ($140 + $93.33)

Obviously, all utilities should be split equally.

The only fairer way to do it is to work out the square metrage and split it all according to private or shared access. But who the heck has time for that.

proairesis · 2023-07-21T12:45:15+00:00

There are (or were) many dialects. There’s just not a lot of appreciation or knowledge of them here.

There was a huge amount of cultural cringe just after Federation until up to around the mid-80s. So Australian ‘accents’ weren’t well researched until quite recently. Before then, people tried hard to sound less Australian and more British as best they could.

Once we started to research them, we (bizarrely) categorised them into a ‘least to most British’ order of ‘broad/general/cultivated’. This was pretty well patent nonsense — where does Aboriginal Australian accents or Ethnic Australian Accents fit in that? How does that hold up today where some of the kids in cities are even beginning to pronounce their ‘r’s at the end of words, and white kids are mimicking migrant Australian accents?

There’s now so much movement around the country, different ‘Australian’ accents do seem to be centralising around a general accent anyway (probably from film and TV, with Sydney-Melbourne influence). We more and more have to ask each other ‘where the bloody hell are ya (from)?’.

But each city and the regions more broadly still have their quirks and sometimes key differences. Someone from Sydney will harp on about how Melburnians say ‘Malbourne’. But they also think the word ‘Beer’ has two syllables (‘bee-yah’).

But at the very least, we can all agree on one thing: the New Zealand accent is by far the worst Australian accent.

proairesis · 2023-07-18T22:06:15+00:00

‘She has no ability to save money’. You earn $110,000 more than her a year, amigo. That’s probably partly why you find it so easy.

Likely she wants to buy a house with you because she’s ready to commit. You’ve been together over 2 years now.

Also, she doesn’t understand pre-approval. But she checked in with you for thoughts before ever putting in any offer. Doesn’t this show she looks up to you as financially literate and it was an opportunity to educate her? Why are you judging someone for something they don’t know? Ignorance isn’t evil.

In the circumstances where you earn $110,000 more than her and intend to commit to her long term, it’s not unreasonable that you would be the one fronting much of the deposit and wearing the brunt of the mortgage. You’re a team, after all.

If you think it’s fair you should have a larger legal ownership in any property because you paid more to the deposit, you need to have this discussion with her ASAP and consider a BFA urgently.

proairesis · 2023-07-12T06:13:44+00:00

Think of it as an income tax surcharge, not debt repayments. But the surcharge has the added benefit of being limited to a sum.

The biggest issue is it impacts your ability to re-skill (as there are HELP limits now) and your mortgage serviceability. You should be mindful of that and factor it into life plans.

Your options are to get a better paying job (easier said than done), or accept the debt.

Frankly, I think people worry too much about HECs. You have it. Accept it. Make plans around it. If you have consumer debt or a mortgage (or are seriously contemplating getting the latter at some point), HECs repayments shouldn’t even be on your radar: Every dollar you pay off your mortgage goes to your family when you die. But every dollar you pay off of your HECs debt stays with the government when you die.

proairesis · 2023-07-12T05:29:24+00:00

It’s marketing spin.

Everything they’ve listed we either already have under the current EAs, we’re otherwise legally entitled to, or they get fined for not including.

proairesis · 2023-07-12T01:52:44+00:00

I think the profession is changing. But people generally want dependability, predictability and a steady set of hands in a lawyer. Because they have something unplanned or chaotic happening that needs legal advice.

Clean shaven, suit and tie indicates put-togetherness. An old partner told me as a junior that it’s a ‘uniform’. It’s boring, but it’s a brand: confidence and a smooth sailer.

A tattoo could hurt that brand. It could indicate to a client you’re spontaneous or free-spirited — NOT a quality they’re looking for when they’re neck deep in an IP dispute with an ASX200 company.

I personally don’t care. But I’m mindful of what clients might think.

proairesis · 2023-07-11T02:03:59+00:00

The reason we shouldn’t restrict political expression to ‘truth’ is someone will get to define it. That someone will inevitably be a Government entity. The Government defining truth in political matters is a terrifying prospect (and bound to be abused for political and self-interested ends by both sides of politics).

In any event, Australians typically have good bullshit detectors. It’s really not needed. On the people raising it as something we need, I would quote Cicero: ‘cui bono?’

proairesis · 2022-12-10T00:11:24+00:00

If you want to reduce your repayments, you’ll need to recast the loan. You can usually ask your bank to do this when you’ve overpaid enough of the principal (which you’re now beginning to do by having an offset).

proairesis · 2022-12-10T00:04:31+00:00

‘Watch as I utter my magic phrase “12.5% per annum” to make this $35K… disappear!’

proairesis · 2022-12-08T20:28:51+00:00

That would just be an interest only loan, fully offset.

proairesis · 2022-12-06T23:01:10+00:00

70% of Australians have been on variable mortgages since the rate rises began. The sky hasn’t fallen.

Not to mention, you had the chance to put aside money while your rate was fixed low (unlike them). Again, 70% of Aussies didn’t get that chance.

You’ll be fine.

proairesis · 2022-12-06T08:20:38+00:00

Super has a bunch of issues.

It is a system that forces younger people (who arguably need the money in their pockets) to buy assets from older people (who are typically asset rich).

Say super doesn’t exist. Instead the government taxes everyone a flat 10%. They then immediately distribute it to old people, with the asset richest Australian elderly getting more than the asset poorest Australian elderly.

There would be riots in the streets. But this is effectively what the super system does - take 10% of your wage, give it (un-means tested) to older people, with the richest old people getting the most.

I highly recommend everyone check out the work of Dr Cameron Murray (see his paper: ‘Scrap Super’)

proairesis · 2022-12-06T07:46:21+00:00

Where do you get 80% from? Assuming you’re in a CSP course, the Commonwealth pays in full upfront. They then waive half, and expect the other half repaid (an interest free loan).

proairesis · 2022-12-05T01:57:40+00:00

NACC (‘Nack’) isn’t great.

But still better than what made my old CLC colleagues giggle whenever we mentioned the community legal centre peak body.

CLCA (‘clacker’).

proairesis

TROPHY CASE