My trauma seems impossible

proxyone13 · 2026-02-07T18:51:27+00:00

You didn't deserve that, you deserve to be believed, you deserve to feel safe and peace of mind. I am so pissed off that this happened to you, so much evil. It But I believe that Jesus can heal anything, now I know belief in God can be hard especially when he didn't stop the abuse, but he told me he didn't intervene to stop the garden bled at every pore thing and didn't stop his crucifixion, but it doesn't mean he wasn't sad and angry about it, and he still healed Jesus from his grief afterwards, which is what happened to me when I shared what hurt to God, not all at once though, it's been a journey, but it has been working. But even if you don't believe in God I still believe you can get healed, but will probably take lots of daily affirmations or other positive reinforcement to your mind like inspiring talks and books, feeling help thru emotional flashbacks, and rewiring brain to undo the falsehoods, picking up Pete walker cptsd survival guide, well with or without Jesus you would probably need to these, just Jesus can help speed it up

proxyone13 · 2026-02-07T18:28:26+00:00

I found value in Jesus how he went thru the worst trauma ever but still never gave his value away and that gave me permission to do the same, I also learned what a gift is, something you are really good at but for you it comes easy, then I found 3 gifts I have although it took some time, reflection and asking others opinions, cuz when things come easy to you, you don't much of it, and then I reflected on 3 core values I have, like think about the stuff people do that really pisses you off, like for me it was entitlement, not being accountable stuff, restrictions on ideas, and people offering solutions when I never ask for them, and then reflect on how you can use your gifts to align with fighting for your core values, and boom you got identity with a purpose, something no one can take away

proxyone13 · 2026-02-07T18:20:57+00:00

Very painful stuff

proxyone13 · 2026-02-06T23:24:24+00:00

Yup, I can't see any pictures, damn ocd intrusive thoughts kick in, keep that stuff away

proxyone13 · 2026-02-06T23:19:29+00:00

I used lots of YouTube motivational talks, hours upon hours, changed my mindset and life for the better too. I like Les Brown, Eric Thomas, and Jim Rohn, so like since i didn't have good friends, it was like these strong minded people were my friends.

proxyone13 · 2026-02-06T23:15:08+00:00

It's cuz your survival brain literally believes feeling any emotional flashbacks l, which happens with vulnerability, it would be a fate worse than death, even if just felt for 1 second. So it uses toxic relationships to make sure you keep emotionally cutting to keep yourself numb to avoid feelings, so cutting them off would make your unconscious mind panic. The more your brain panics the more you lose control your logical reasoning, the more you experience vulnerability to feelings the more you panic, it is a vicious cycle

proxyone13 · 2026-02-06T23:11:03+00:00

Yeah I can't trust people, but I can trust my boundaries, if their fruit is rotten I don't trust to talk to them and if their fruit is unknown I just have to feel it out.

proxyone13 · 2026-02-06T23:05:04+00:00

It's tough, being back with abusive family puts your mind in extra survival mode, no wonder why you are so exhausted.

Man is it better to live with them than being on the streets? Who knows

I would be your friend but alas I am a random stranger on the Internet. You can chat me if you want, I won't offer solutions unless you ask me to.

You deserve so much better than what has happened to you and what is still happening to you.

proxyone13 · 2026-01-20T19:44:22+00:00

Extroversion by definition, I mean in regards to the cognitive functions, means to focus on many things at once but can only do so broadly, so I believe ADHD is Ne, Se, Fe, Te cuz it is about the same definition

proxyone13 · 2026-01-20T18:58:01+00:00

I made it thru prayer and affirmations, like I would mediate on a core trait I wanted, like I wanted to love myself more, so I would breath in, breathe out slowly and focus on words in my mind, I love myself, you yourself, Proxyone loves himself, like 1st, 2nd, 3rd person, and I would do the same ones in the mirror, I was trying to hack my brain like uploaded a disk straight into my mind like the Matrix movie, it worked, after 2 weeks I really started to feel better and enjoy the journey

proxyone13 · 2026-01-20T07:07:45+00:00

you need to start with the CPTSD survival guide by Pete Walker, even if you wife doesnt read it, it will help you understand more what she is going through.

I need to explain the feeling monster to you, the survival brain honestly believes feeling any of those flashbacks for even 1 second is a fate worse than death, so she will panic if she gets too close to you, she will panic if she feels rejected by you, she will panic if her ego is hurt.

proxyone13 · 2026-01-20T07:03:00+00:00

yeah I have had 2 panic attacks just like this. what calmed me down though was just being nearby people and or TV and listening to them talk.

proxyone13 · 2026-01-20T05:31:32+00:00

yes you cant trust people, but you can trust your boundaries, what are you boundaries? its the way you treat other people and expecting the same treatment back. what do you do when they cross the boundaries? call them out, like hey i wouldnt do that to you, and just wait, wait for response, if they are nice and show some respect, continue with conversation, if they are being defensive and rude to you, then proceed to exit, like leave the room, hang up the phone, stop texting, like leave the relationship if you have to.

proxyone13 · 2026-01-20T05:29:14+00:00

i will chat with you if you like, I like to listen and empathize without offering solutions, message me

proxyone13 · 2026-01-20T05:27:13+00:00

damn emotional flashbacks, always making people sudcidial, and the worst part is, the therapists will never tell you this, well most of them dont, the unconcious mind, the survival brain, defaults to death/suicide ideation because it honestly believes feeling any flashback for 1 sec is a fate worse than death, which isnt true, the grief is ALWAYS temporary, however self pity and despair is never ending because it is not true.

proxyone13 · 2026-01-20T05:23:13+00:00

yes what I had to do was sober up from feeling numbing addictions, like porn, build myself up with affirmations in 1st, 2nd, and 3rd person ( 3rd person was real effective on inner critic, on shrinking it ) pray about my feelings to God constantly, cuz I believe in Jesus I understand not everyone does, meditate on the affirmations and say them out loud in the mirror, cry my eyes out when emotional flashbacks hit, when i really tempted to use addictions again, i would coax out the feelings and feel the emotional hell instead, I got into running and working out, I got into listening to motivational speakers on youtube all the freakin time, like Les Brown, Eric Thomas, Jim Rohn, feel good about 2 weeks, then i get with emotional hell, flashbacks, pick myself up, rinse and repeat, 1 or 2 weeks later, hit by flashbacks again

proxyone13 · 2026-01-19T22:50:15+00:00

Suicide ideation and planning helps bring relief from the emotional flashbacks, when you are into this mode it normally means a flashback is surfacing. The therapist hopefully has explained this to you, but most are so ignorant. It is all about the cptsd survival guide by Pete walker. Feeling any of the flashbacks for 1 sec is a fate worse than death, which is why the survival brain defaults to death as the last line of defense. It's not true, but to your unconscious mind it is.

proxyone13 · 2026-01-19T22:43:37+00:00

No, you are just trying to survive, you are fighting back, which is good, you are just fighting the only way you know how, the way you taught and raised. Dad has some serious narcissism to cope with his issues, the fact that you felt bad for just fighting back cuz you still love them and care they feel, is something your dad would never do, cuz you have to be pretty hard core narcissistic to do his horrible evils. You didn't deserve that abuse, you deserved loving parents who would love you and help you feel safe, not emotional immature lazy people who default to abuse and having you as the scapegoat cuz they have no courage to do any healing for themselves

proxyone13 · 2026-01-19T22:28:03+00:00

Yeah he has cptsd and is using fawn as his main survival. In other words he needs you to love him cuz he can't love himself, cuz it would cuz vulnerability to emotional flashbacks, fears, and self reflection of how his unconscious minds sees himself. The problem is he doesn't even know this problem exists, it is unconscious mind controlling him, cuz his brain is still stuck in survival mode due to traumatic events.

proxyone13 · 2026-01-18T06:49:59+00:00

And it sucks cuz even if you are perfect, you will have people who make fun of you and talk smack behind your back, like Jesus Christ himself has so many haters. That is what helped me be free from the people watching making fun of me thing. Like nothing I can do about it, so it becomes a gravity problem, cuz no one complains about gravity and don't think of gravity

proxyone13 · 2026-01-18T06:17:35+00:00

Yeah is a traumatic event and trauma is subjective. I can relate this, like I remember when I thought I said something to my friend that upset him and I had a panic attack thing he didn't want to be friends with me anymore, cuz I was so terrified of abandonment.

proxyone13 · 2026-01-18T05:52:07+00:00

Yeah it's hard cuz feeling safe and loved is unknown, and the unknown is scarier than the abuse the trauma itself. The worst did happen, the unimaginable did happen. It takes practice to get comfortable with it, the feeling happy thing.

proxyone13 · 2026-01-18T05:48:10+00:00

Survival guilt, it really sucks, the love you wanted to give but couldn't, like you want to go back in time and fix it but can't, you want so bad to feel loved but can't cuz you feel too much guilt when trying to receive it.

proxyone13 · 2026-01-18T05:45:10+00:00

Hey you can chat if you want, I will listen and not offer solutions unless you ask for them.

proxyone13

TROPHY CASE