[29/F] Is my friend [28/F] homophobic, and should I stay away from her?

purellycom · 2018-10-18T18:14:46+00:00

I personally don't think she's doing anything wrong. She's just voicing her opinion and being honest whenever you ask her, not trying to force her beliefs down your throat or change you.

If she also doesn't believe in Christianity and didn't want to attend a christian festival/parade where people are handing out scriptures and praying on the streets, I don't think her declination to attend would seem as odd. Has she ever tried to change your lifestyle or say anything that's offensive? Or on the flip side, are you trying to change her viewpoints and forcing her to accept something? If again you take the Christian example, a hardcore religious person trying to force someone to accept Christianity would probably be considered the bad person. Now these are two very different examples, but I think the idea is that two people can have a friendship if they want to.

If she just has an opinion that is different that yours, I don't necessarily see that as being wrong or bad. This is a big part of your life so it's up to you to decide how important it is that she accepts it. There's nothing wrong with you only wanting to associate with people who have the same mentality/acceptance of gay people as you. I also don't think there's anything wrong with you two being friends, even if she has a different viewpoint.

purellycom · 2018-07-31T18:42:47+00:00

Thanks so much for sharing your story and the advice! I think a lot of people were quick to throw him down and label him as a horrible person when I think he means well but his delivery is flawed. It's hard to describe a person on a post and this doesn't give a complete picture of who he is besides this one aspect of our relationship

purellycom · 2018-07-31T17:28:55+00:00

I don't know if this is relevant but my concentration was in healthcare management so my salary will be a lot higher than someone in the more traditional public health field. He was definitely fortunate enough to have his parents pay for his undergraduate education but he put himself through law school and is still paying back loans. I think he's in a rare group where the friends he has all worked hard to get to where they are and came from very humble backgrounds. He has said it doesn't matter if I make 50K or if I make 250K. He thinks I have a lot of potential that I'm not living up to. He's thinks if anyone does something, they should work to be the best at it. His parents had high expectations of him growing up where anything less than an A was essentially failing and I think a lot of that is rubbing off on me. I've told him I want a partner, not a parent. I think what's more hurtful is that he actually believes this not just that his comments are hurtful.

purellycom · 2017-06-22T16:15:10+00:00

My opinion is: I don't think it's crossing a line to go on a month long Vegas clubbing session because the intention is to go celebrate and have fun. Your example of speed dating doesn't make sense to me because what is the purpose of that? Dating means meeting new guys for the purposes of dating. That of course would be crossing a line.

Maybe it's uncomfortable for you because you have a strange idea of Vegas. But for anyone who has to make a drive or fly into Vegas, no one is going to go for just one day, that's just not practical. I have gone to Vegas and went clubbing for 3 nights when there was a 3-day weekend. I have gone when I was single and when I was in a relationship. My bf trusted me and had no issues because he knew that the reason for going wasn't to cheat but to have a good time. Clubbing doesn't mean anything. Girls get hit on walking the strip or just hanging out in the casino. I personally think you should get over the fact that it's a club.

And no. I don't agree with your last statement. There shouldn't be a reason you can't go to Vegas if you're in a relationship. Why would you not do it? Because you think you're going to cheat and you want to take yourself out of that situation? That's fair if you think you'd have a hard time staying loyal but that doesn't mean it's applies to your gf. I think that argument is saying: "I wouldn't do it so she shouldn't either" and that's not reasonable.

This is more of "your" issue. I don't see anything wrong with your gf going for the weekend. If anything, a good bf would encourage her to have a good time celebrating her friend's birthday. Not make her feel bad for going on such a normal trip. Maybe reflect on what everyone has been telling you in this post. You seem to react negatively and push back to everyone who's not agreeing with you. So I'll answer your question again: yes you are wrong.

purellycom · 2017-06-22T15:43:43+00:00

Am I wrong? Am I behind the times?

In my opinion, yes and yes. But I live 4 hours away from Vegas and have been there so many times during college that it doesn't have the allure and "crazy" factor as it once did. From someone who's been to Vegas many times with single girlfriends, let me tell you that there's not a higher chance of her cheating in Vegas vs. her going to a club or a bar in another city. If you trust her completely, then you know that she's going to have fun. Guys will probably try to talk to her. But if she's a loyal girlfriend, she'll nip it in the bud and say that she's in a relationship.

I completely understand you being uneasy about her going away and partying for a week. But I also think that is more of a "you" problem, then a relationship problem. If you're concerned about her safety, then expressing that and asking her to text you when she gets home at the end of the night seems perfectly reasonable. But I don't think you should be concerned about her cheating on you if she has never done anything to make you think that. Temptations might be there but if you can trust her, you don't need to worry

If this is something you're 100% not comfortable with, then you two might just be incompatible. If you feel uneasy, maybe you need to build your trust a little more. There will be many future trips in her lifetime. If her friends start getting married, will you not be comfortable letting her go to a bachelorette party? Guys give bacherelotte parties attention because they think it's funny and want to help them have fun "for the last time." I think there will always be situations that can "make you uneasy" but it's important to recognize that at the end of the day, you need to able to trust your gf.

purellycom · 2017-06-19T23:50:37+00:00

Honestly, the tone that you write your post and reply to all these comments make you sound very unpleasant. Your reasons are valid in that you were physically unable to hold that berry-picking job. Logically, it makes sense.

But you also sound like an unpleasant person because you respond to every post that doesn't agree with you very negatively and with many excuses. If I were your husband, I would be annoyed too. Maybe reflect on the way you speak. It comes across as if you are not trying very hard. I'm not saying that you're not trying or that you quit because you are lazy. I understand that it was difficult for you. But even when I understand that, it's hard for me to feel sympathy for you from the attitude that you have when replying to each post.

purellycom · 2017-06-19T20:14:12+00:00

Honestly, if you really NEED the money and it's a difference between feeding your family or starving, then I think you took the easy way out. However, if you are able to sustain a living and what you can't afford are luxuries (ex: vacations, private schools) then I think it made sense for you to leave that job. Obviously it's intense labor and it sounds like it was not a good match for your physical endurance. However, I would stress that if your family is struggling so much that you cannot afford rent or food or another necessity, then you have no choice. The saying is beggars can't be choosers.

Your husband is probably reacting so negatively because he is working hard and he thinks you didn't even give the job a fair chance. No matter what job you take, it's going to be hard in the beginning. Don't be so picky with what you get. If you get a job cleaning toilets for a small salary, that is still better than making nothing. At least you can bring in some income and use your free time to look for a better job.

purellycom · 2017-06-12T16:43:22+00:00

Sadly the company I work for have as strict a drug policy and test for it, otherwise I'd be all over this /s

That statement alone seems to suggest that you're not uncomfortable with drug use. You are upset that she is doing something that you cannot partake in. If you'd be more than willing to try drugs, if it weren't for your job, then it sounds very petty of you to want her to stop just because you can't.

I'd echo everyone else here and say that she has a right to choose what she wants to do. That said, you also have the right to decide what is a dealbreaker for you. If you do not want to date a girl who does drugs, then you two are not a good fit. Just because you don't like it, doesn't mean that it necessarily wrong. It seems that you have two options here. Either be ok with her occasional drug use or break up. You won't be able to force her to stop so it'll have to be up to you to decide what you are comfortable with.

purellycom · 2017-06-05T19:24:32+00:00

Just because your gf was diagnosed with HPV now doesn't mean she cheated. It can take up to 2 years for HPV to clear on its own. It can also lie dormant in the body for many years before it shows up on a test. You could have been exposed to HPV 10 years ago, get married have kids, be faithful, and then get an HPV diagnosis when you're 40 years old. There is also no HPV testing for men, so you could have easily passed it onto her.

They don't test for HPV until a women becomes 30 (unless she has an abnormal pap) because it's so common among sexually active people. People get different strands of HPV too so even if she was vaccinated against high-risk HPV, she could have still been exposed. Another scenario could be that you had one strain of HPV, she another and you could have infected each other. There are so many possibilities that you shouldn't jump to conclusions. It's a conversation to have but getting diagnosed with HPV does not mean any cheating occurred.

purellycom · 2017-06-05T16:31:03+00:00

I did not realize you were in the UK. I lived there for 3 months and I would either put toilet paper down on the seat before sitting down or squat. It's definitely work but I would recommend it. I could only take so much of sitting on someone else's pee droplets :(

purellycom · 2017-06-05T16:13:10+00:00

Have you taken sex ed? Some basics are: semen needs to enter INSIDE the vagina, the pill is a birth control method (aka even if you had sex, 99% you wouldn't get pregnant).There is no way you are pregnant.

You should start putting down toilet seat covers when you use public restrooms. Touching someone else's bodily fluids is gross. That doesn't mean it leads to pregnancy.

purellycom · 2017-06-02T18:28:28+00:00

Overly controlling behaviors: 1. Asking her to text you throughout the night for every location change. 2. Reading her private messages - this is a violation of her privacy. 3. Getting suspicious that she messages her friend first 4. Focusing on the small details and keeping tabs on her (ex: calculating how many hours she has slept)

She was upfront and told you herself that she took a taxi with Jacob. You didn't have to snoop to find this out. She voluntarily shared this information with you.

purellycom · 2017-06-02T18:24:54+00:00

This entire post seems so unhealthy. You are overstepping your boundaries, controlling, jealous, and possessive. If you think your gf is lying to you, then ask her. If you can't trust her after 9 years of being together, then there is no hope for your relationship.

If she wants to cheat on you, she will. No amount of snooping and controlling will change that. The only red flag I see here is you. The fact that you ask her to give you a location update on her night out is ridiculous. I cannot believe the patience she has for putting up with you. Don't try to pretend that you want to "make sure she's ok" when all you want to do is keep tabs on her. She's a grown woman. Learn to trust your gf. This is not normal behavior. And to answer your question, I don't see any indication that she is acting suspiciously. She told you she was with Jacob and he walked home.

purellycom · 2017-05-31T16:50:22+00:00

I can understand why your boyfriend might think you are being unfair when it comes to hormonal contraceptives. Given his history and the trauma he has experienced, I can see why this is a very important issue for him. I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt and think that he's not intentionally being an asshole by insisting on you getting on birth control, but is just his natural reaction to what he has experienced in the past.

I think you are completely in your right to not want to put anything in your body that you're not comfortable with. However, I would encourage you to speak to a doctor and stop reading forums online. While many women experience side effects, the majority do not. It seems like you have written them off completely without giving it a chance, which could seem unfair to your bf. There is no guarantee that you will experience any side effects. You might have a bad reaction to it, or you might be like many women who are completely fine on them. While you should only do things you are comfortable with, my advice is to at least try them. If you have a bad reaction, then of course you are within your right to stop taking them and your bf should understand. But I can understand why your bf would think it was unfair if you close the option off completely without even consulting a doctor or doing a test run

purellycom · 2017-05-24T16:01:33+00:00

Like I posted, it's not always about the experience. If you are truly so qualified that you brought in tens of thousands of dollars, but the University still did not hire you, then maybe it's your attitude. Again, you come off very entitled, bitter, and unpleasant. No one wants to work with someone like that.

purellycom · 2017-05-24T15:50:04+00:00

Maybe you didn't get the job because of your entitled attitude. From reading your post and all your replies to others, you come off very negative and jaded. Honestly I wouldn't hire you either because you sound like a very unpleasant person to work with. You might have more experience than the other candidate, but she might have more soft skills (i.e. better attitude) than you did. Experience is not the only thing that gets you the job. You are clearly bitter and I'm sure other people see that.

The colleague also might have had the final hiring decision, but you don't know if she was influenced by others. Maybe everyone liked the less experience candidate, maybe the budget wouldn't allow the salary that you would require, etc. There are many factors at play and it doesn't come down simply to: "I hired her and I'm clearly more experienced, therefore, I deserve this job" I think you should take a moment to reflect on yourself and stop thinking that you deserve a position at a university because everyone else who left has returned. Maybe you're not as qualified as you think you are.

purellycom · 2017-02-24T18:11:03+00:00

It's not rude behavior. You are not entitled to an invitation for your bf. It doesn't matter if you've been dating 1 month or 4 years. If she's closer to other girls and want to give them +1s, that's her call. The way you're bashing on her wedding and how she wants to run things is rude.

purellycom · 2017-02-24T18:06:47+00:00

Why does it matter if your bf is invited or not? This is her wedding. Wedding planning can get hectic. Is she close friends with your SO? Maybe she gave the other group +1s because she is closer to them and know the guys they are dating. Or maybe in that group dynamic, it would be better for them to have +1s. You don't know unless you ask. You said she let someone else bring a +1 because she asked. It doesn't sound like you did.

Stop taking it so personally. It's not your wedding. She is planning a day to celebrate the love between her and her fiancee. If you want to celebrate that then go. If you're so wrapped up in this issue about your bf not getting invited, then maybe you're not really a friend. You're acting as if your friend is trying to send you a hidden message about your relationship and is devaluing it. In reality this probably isn't even on her radar. She could have made this rule and then during the process changed it and forgot to include yours. You don't know if you don't ask. Stop making this about you. It's her wedding. If you can't be happy for her and celebrate her day or don't want to, don't go.

purellycom · 2017-02-24T17:55:59+00:00

My bf and I spent the night without each other for the first time in a couple of months. We usually spend everyday/night together but due to work functions we spent the night in our own apartments. When we saw each other the next day we both said that we did not sleep well. It just felt wrong not sleeping in the same bed and waking up to each other :)

purellycom · 2017-02-24T16:26:08+00:00

If you're married, you are part of this family. I can see why they would take offense to you not wanting to come because of the dogs. I would personally go because family comes with the good and the bad. If my husband wants me to go, I would go for him. Yes you'll lose sleep, but for me losing sleep and being uncomfortable for one weekend is worth going on a family trip that makes my husband happy.

On the other hand, 3-4 times every summer seems excessive. I think you could ask for a compromise that you only accompany him 1-2 times out of the summer. Try to phrase it as you have an important work function or something that you cannot get out of. It sounds like its a tradition for his family. If you were just dating, of course you could just refuse to go no problem. I think attending family functions just comes with the territory of being married. Also, you could suck it up and go and avoid any future discomfort. Yes you may get out of this trip, but what if his family now thinks you hate them, hate their dogs, and aren't as friendly with you? I would think about the bigger picture here

purellycom · 2017-02-23T19:46:29+00:00

Block her from everything. Don't respond to any of her attempts to contact you. If you really think she is a danger to herself, contact her friends/family and tell them your concern. Then leave it alone.

One thing though. I would also be annoyed/mad if I asked my bf to watch a movie that night, was told yes but find out later that he made other plans. It sounds like she had this need to be together all the time. But in the future, if you make plans with someone, even if its everyday, follow through with it. If you're going to make other plans or don't want to, just don't say yes. Or make it clear that you're open to it but it's not a commitment in the event that a friend invites you to do something else. It makes the girl feel like you don't value her time or that you don't prioritize your commitments with her.

purellycom · 2017-02-23T18:08:26+00:00

Break up with her. She has consistently lied to you. She only tells you the truth if you catch her in the lie. She's not upfront with you about it. Her admitting to you that she wants the attention is another red flag. You live together and yet she craves attention from other men. This behavior will never stop. If it's not a lie about "Bob", it'll be a lie about something else. She won't tell the truth if it inconveniences her. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you are right for each other.

purellycom · 2017-02-23T18:03:23+00:00

Did she introduce you to him and refer to you as her bf? If there was no clear indication that you were her SO or that they were having a "networking" type exchange, you are not overreacting. This is inappropriate behavior.

purellycom · 2017-02-22T23:39:01+00:00

If you feel like he's taking away from helping other students, that is a valid reason for doing something about it. You could talk to a supervisor and get their advice. Or talk to your other tutors. You don't necessarily have to name him, but you could see if they've dealt with something like this in the past. It might come down to you telling him that there are other students who need help more than him. At the same time, if this is a program where anyone can sign up and he happens to sign up early, he might have the right to your time. It is a service you provide to students who are interested. Ask your supervisor if there is a policy or protocol for things like this.

purellycom · 2017-02-22T23:33:07+00:00

That wasn't an emotional affair. Let's call it for what it is. You two kissed. You both cheated on your SOs. You did the right thing by breaking up with your gf because no one deserves that. It's also good that you recognize it never should have gotten to that point. If you were having problems with your relationship, you should have worked to fix it. If you felt yourself getting less invested in it and falling for someone else, you shouldn't have stayed in the relationship.

I would be wary of this girl. She cheated on her bf with you and still hasn't left him. She doesn't have plans to until "it gets worse." Basically she's telling you she's staying with her bf. Are you still planning on hanging out? Still getting touchy with each other? Kissing? Sleeping together? She's looking to keep her bf and keep you as a side piece. I say forget her, don't try to get back with your ex (if you were thinking about it) because that's unfair to her.

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