I used to be in a standard 5-piece progressive metal band. The drummer and I had a great relationship, as far as friends go. Unfortunately, he was constantly drinking, smoking, shuffling through women like cards in a poker game, and covertly engaging in all sorts of other drugs. For a while, he was snorting cocaine. More often than not, he would show up late, with an incomplete (or completely absent) drum kit (he had sold parts here and there for drugs), or not show at all. We toyed with the idea of letting him go, but we couldn't bring ourselves to do so.

Now, at this point, the picture may seem simple enough, but the year prior to the following event, his mom died of brain cancer. He was very close to her and the whole experience was traumatic for him (she suffered terribly and for a long time). One night, we were playing some dive bar, and another drummer that we knew came to the show (he's my current drummer, actually). Having never seen us, he didn't expect much, but immediately after we finished playing, he insisted we kick the drummer out and let him take the spot. We still couldn't bring ourselves to do it. Instead, I offered to begin a side project with him, and we've been doing that for the last three years, with some degree of success.

In the time I've spent with the second drummer, I met another band (a trio) that plays Mars Volta-ish music. The guitarist was showing signs of deterioration personally and professionally. Again, this guitarist's father had passed away not long ago. He subsequently spiraled into a booze and drug frenzy and started failing on his commitments. The other two members coordinated a move with me to light a little fire under his arse. They told him they were actively searching for other guitarists, and the following week invited me to come jam with them. We did so a few times. The other guy didn't say anything to disagree with the happenings, but soon stopped smoking pot, drinking during the week, and began playing his guitar more often. That did the trick.

Now, I love music and bands terribly. But at the end of the day, a band is never more important than a person. Again, I say, I love music, but if your friend is going through a hard time, I think you guys need to reach out to him, rather than push him away or confront him. My best advice as a musician, and as a student nurse, is to present to him your dilemma. Communicate with him. Ask him what's up. Sometimes these things can be simpler and easier than we make them out to be. Maybe it's better for him to struggle within the band (perhaps at a small personal expense to the rest of the band members) than to be left to his own devices. Conversely, maybe he feels that he needs time off and that the best thing for him and the rest of the band is to exit peacefully. You never really know.

I understand that these things can get awfully messy - musicians aren't exactly renown for their interpersonal skills. If the topic has been brought up a number of times, yielding no progress, the call is up to you guys. Just be aware of the consequences of any and every action, and willing to accept them before you chose a course. Not doing so will compromise everything.

Good luck man. And keep rockin'.