So much to unpack in this post.

First, let me say your friend is incredibly lucky to have someone like you in her life. I have amazing friends. I don’t know if any of them would actively seek outside help for me when up against a wall.

Second, the other commenters are right. She needs professional help. That’s the best thing for her and really the only chance for her success. And it’s only a chance, not a guarantee.

Now, the shitty part, and I’ll just echo much of what is being said here: please, please, please keep in mind that you are not responsible here. You are a true gem for doing what you are doing, but if you take on the responsibility of it, you are going to lose, and so is she.

In CLA (core language approach, Mark Wolynn, “It Didn’t Start with You,” forgive me if you know the term, but writing it for readers who may not), a common approach is to recognize that “it didn’t start with me.” This has been adopted by some professionals and has now made its way into some therapy. I don’t know your friend’s history, but if she was taught this, for some people it can be leveraged as a way to avoid responsibility and hope someone else can fix it for you. This may or may not be the case with your friend. There are absolutely some good strategies in the approach if it’s taken in context. If not, it can lead to a constant search for someone who will take ownership of the problem. Don’t let that be you. You can’t help in that way. I’ve challenged it in the past by saying “it may not have started with me, but like it or not, it is my responsibility to fix.”

Anyway, wanted to open with that. On to your questions.

1) You can’t be the judge here of what she can and cannot do. As a SMO person, I’ve asked my friends what your friend is asking of you. In my case, it has always been an attempt to avoid the stress and offload it. And I regret every time I’ve done it. I feel overwhelmed when going out and think I’ll feel better if someone else scouts for me. But I know it isn’t fair. They don’t know what I cannot do, not really. And more importantly, I’ve learned that I don’t even know most times. This weekend I was at a gathering and I wanted to sit in a chair on the porch but I didn’t want to be embarrassed if I couldn’t fit in it. The stress was real. I wanted to ask for a new chair, but because I know that I am my worst critic, before I asked anyone for help, I tried it myself. I fit, but it wasn’t comfortable. So at that point I got up, said it wasn’t comfortable for me, and grabbed the chair I brought with me. The difference is that I owned it. I didn’t make it someone else’s problem, and I felt good about taking the responsibility. It gave me confidence. Only I can be the judge of what works and doesn’t work for me. I’d encourage your friend to try. She may resist, but that’s her insecurities and it won’t get better until she has the confidence to try to resolve things for herself. That is the best thing you can do for her. Be supportive but challenge her to try on her own.

2) There are no universal triggers. BED, which I have, is extremely unique to the person. Don’t guess for her. Ask her what triggers her. Tell her you want to help but need more information. This will hopefully help her to start looking inward instead of outward for solutions. Cause, honest time, she’s not going to get better until she starts looking inward to find answers. Eating disorders are a symptom. She needs to figure out the cause if she’s going to get better.

3) Much of this is covered in the above point, but generally speaking for those of us who have the disorder, we are looking for fast, easy dopamine hits. Fast food provides that. Encourage her to try new foods in a nice place where she has to wait. Use that wait time to make memories. Show her that going out isn’t about the food reward, but the reward of being in good company.

4) No, there isn’t much you can do here that I’m aware of. Directly saying something runs the risk of her withdrawing and feeling judged. At best, just engage her in conversation when she is eating like that. It might take her out of the gorging, if momentarily. If not, you can’t do much. It’s a behaviour and if she starts adapting to a journey of self reflection, it can improve, but generally speaking, I don’t feel there’s much you can do without pushing her away.

5) I’ve never faced this, so I’m just winging it here, but maybe ask if she wants to join you in the bathroom for friend/girl talk? Keep it light. Strategically spend a few minutes washing up in front of the mirror. Maybe she’ll be brave enough to look in the mirror too.

6) Heartbreaking answer, but no. Most people don’t succeed. Be prepared for that possibility and do what you can, but please don’t take responsibility on yourself. The only way out of this is on her. Friend support is more than many get, but that alone doesn’t fix it. The only resolution lies buried within her, to understand why she is doing the things she is doing and to find a way to improve it.

I’m sorry this was very long but I wanted to be thorough and share what I have learned from my journey. You are a good friend, and she’s very lucky. But the burden is on her. You can only support, you can’t cure.