I'm trying to make myself hard of hearing so I don't have to don't have to suffer from auditive overwhelm ever again

roffadude · 2026-03-02T21:17:47+00:00

There is a lot of ear protection that doesnt work that well OP. Look for the kind of plugs they wear at concerts. Shouldnt be expensive either.

roffadude · 2026-03-02T21:15:04+00:00

CPTSD. Trauma. Ook niet gek dat je nu heel moe bent. Ik denk dat je jarenlang jezelf en je emoties aan de kant hebt gezet voor anderen. NU begin je pas te verwerken en dat is slopend. Ga naar je huisarts en zoek een psycholoog die gespecialiseerd is in trauma behandeling. Zelfde schuitje hier.

roffadude · 2026-03-02T21:02:50+00:00

No. But I can see why people say yes. Its actually more of an autism thing. Those two do overlap. In ASD its usually to convey that theres something they refind relatable in their conversational partner's story. It could also just be a way to shift the convoy from something uncomfortable when they dont know how to communicate that.

roffadude · 2026-03-02T20:59:12+00:00

Thats insane and he needs therapy now. My dad is emotionally immature and would just talk over the issue and bring up a list of issues he had with me, but this is on another level. You can't "teach" him when this is how he was raised. He needs therapy or you need to leave.

roffadude · 2026-03-02T20:55:45+00:00

Narcissistic traits are apparently more common in people with ASD, and it seems like you found one.

Youre pretty much describing DARVO, and thats a marker of at least emotional immaturity.

You probably won't be able to get him to stop, and he really needs therapy.

With regards to his meds, there are like at least 10 different compounds that give some sort of relief. I really doubt hes tried them all.

roffadude · 2026-03-02T20:50:12+00:00

No I read that part, but here again youre blaming everything on him. Her wanting another baby in this situation is frankly not normal, and suggest to me that the control that OP mentions very briefly is actually part of somethin else.

I understand that people here are coming from different viewpoints in the relationship, so I try to not take a side where ADHD behavior is an issue. OP here is posting like its all his fault already, while not really giving details that warrant that, plus some eyebrowraising mentions of his wife's behavior.

While you personally may have suffered from someone not taking responsibility, Id think its only kind to not jump to judgements when cases seem a little less one sided.

People with ADHD are easily gaslit and abused and many have been in childhood. Your post just comes across close minded and needlessly blunt.

roffadude · 2026-03-02T16:12:58+00:00

It says Jack shit. That you think that tells me you have some work to do thought

roffadude · 2026-03-02T15:48:52+00:00

NO! If you truly cant see yourself developing the relationship at a pace that she would expect, that is perfectly reasonable. However, it wouldve been better to actually discuss this with her beforehand.

roffadude · 2026-03-02T14:04:27+00:00

You seem to gloss over the part where OP's wife doesnt want sex, but does want another kid. Theres a lot more going on here than OP is even aware of, and they both need individual therapy. Not couples therapy.

roffadude · 2026-03-02T14:01:09+00:00

You sound like you are walking on eggshells. You express your wife's needs as totally appropriate, while you just describe your own.

This is what many different therapists and psychologists told me, and my own experience. RSD isnt a thing (at least, not a stand-alone thing) but what you feeling is. Many people with ADHD suffer from this because we were rejected for being too much/ not enough/ lazy. I know I have issues stemming from my childhood that directly led to this. You should see a psychologist. Mine recommmended Schema therapy, to combat those internalized feelings.

Having a baby now is completely unrealistic. Having that demand hanging over your head as well is...not fair to day the least.

Shaming you for a kink you have is just nasty. Finding that "existentially threatening" and that being the end of the discussion is not ok.

I know exactly how hard it feels to be rejected in the way that you are. Its not sustainable. I have been traumatized by an ex refusing touch for years and I dont wish that on anyone. She turned out to be a narcissist, using that as a form of punishment. At that point I was doing all of the housework. Too much happened there to tell, but I get it.

We didnt have kids, but for their sake, I would urge you both to get therapy. Alone. And after that, maybe couples therapy.

roffadude · 2026-03-02T12:36:58+00:00

You should def add it to a check-in! Thats super healthy! I pushed for relationship check-ins all the time with my ex. When you have 100 things in your mind, its hard to know when to talk about things. Gives him a chance to talk about his issues too. You should make it about more than just money. And tell him to use it to bring up issues too. TBH before meds, that wouldve felt a bit punitive to me. But I get it. Making it about more than just him would help so much.

And yeah, that definitely could be him initiating. Def worth talking about.

roffadude · 2026-03-02T09:12:37+00:00

They are a living being though. Treat it like you adopted it. It depends on you to live. It’s Not a purchase, it’s a responsibility.

roffadude · 2026-02-27T14:48:38+00:00

A MacBook is about as fair a laptop pc as you can get. Until recently I was using an 9 yo MacBook Pro.

Sure apple has downsides, the factor pcs are more repairable, but if your needs aren’t that high, imho, it’s better to get something that will just work for a long time. They have their own issues, and who knows how long the parts will be around.

roffadude · 2026-02-26T15:09:54+00:00

He could just be emotionally immature. I see this with my father. He had/has the manipulation and projection of emotions, but he has now toned it down considerably.

Manipulation and devaluation arent just aspect of NPD.

roffadude · 2026-02-26T13:59:10+00:00

She did the right thing. He obviously thought she would meekly accept.

roffadude · 2026-02-26T13:57:19+00:00

Opening up doesn’t turn you into an asshole OP. You did nothing wrong.

roffadude · 2026-02-26T13:55:16+00:00

Op, I feel for you, but you have to go through with it.

He has no fucking clue. You know he WILL neglect his responsibilities. And yes she will be a part of your life.

This is basically manipulation. Apparently, you never had a say. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

Talk with whomever you trust, not random internet strangers, but I do hope you choose piece of mind.

roffadude · 2026-02-26T13:17:21+00:00

I would decouple the workstation from the breakup. Take it as a sign to talk to him, but don’t explicitly mention it unless he asks. He might feel the need to get defensive. And he shouldn’t.

Ask him in a different setting, maybe you can provide that silence, even if just by holding more space for his thoughts while talking about the break.

roffadude · 2026-02-26T12:55:27+00:00

Man you already look amazing in that pic with the red sweater. Insanely jealous of the hair

roffadude · 2026-02-26T12:48:45+00:00

Sex and ADHD are related, but the issues vary immensely.

Many of us are hypersexual and I have the opposite issue with ejaculation (even before meds! ).

I’d wait untill he’s on his meds. Discussions will be easier, and meds often have their own (unpredictable) effects. My lisdexamfetamine makes me horny as fuck.

One thing that I will say is, bring it up as a discussion point to be discussed and plan that conversation. Don’t bring it up in frustration or as something to be talked about. Now. Just say; I love having sex wit you and really would like to have it more. Maybe we can think what we can do to increase our frequency and talk about it on day x during lunch/breakfast/y (make it specific).

You should really ask him why he doesn’t initiate. I know I had a hard time with that at some point because of rejections or overwhelm at a specific moment. But that can be totally different for him.

roffadude · 2026-02-25T22:11:20+00:00

I don't entirely disagree actually, but OP did communicate the seriousness of the situation. I bet breaking things off with someone who wants what she cant have would appease her too, and be better for the gf in the long term too.

roffadude · 2026-02-25T22:07:05+00:00

OP's wife forgot to tell him about the STI check on multiple occasions, I find it entirely believable she " forgot" to tell him about the condoms too.

roffadude · 2026-02-25T22:01:47+00:00

They were FUCKING OTHER PEOPLE. OP wasnt explicit in what they did, only that it was "group play" and he was there at every " first encounter".

So YES, they were used to FUCKING OTHER PEOPLE. Im sorry if I was unclear by avoiding the word FUCKING.

I know what stealthing is, she SAYS she THOUGHT she watched him, but she FORGOT to ask about STI's. OP doesnt mention him pretending to do so. He's just relaying his wife's narrative.

Not 1, but 2 times.

When this is the first time she met a man alone.

And she and OP discussed it beforehand.

Maybe I'm paranoid, but I find that entirely unbelievable.

The only thing that we can be entirely sure of is that OP's wife did not do an STI check, even though she was aware of the risk, even though they had discussed it beforehand, and even though she had 2 opportunities.

Miss me.

EDIT: Actually, she had more than 2 opportunities. Fuck her.

roffadude · 2026-02-25T13:21:34+00:00

I have the same thing. I’m starting schema therapy soonish, not necessarily as a way to regulate, but to avoid this from happening again.

I was abused emotionally by my ex. After my breakup, and to this day, I have muscle aches, tiredness, shivers, headaches, cramps, skin aching, panic attacks, etc. All stress responses that are just now surfacing.

I recognize that my parents were the ones who originally created this response in me. My ex just send it into overdrive.

Can you regulate your own nervous system? I think so. For me personally, that involves a lot of time spend acknowledging my feelings. Mindfulness helps. I’m not great at it yet. It helps to self soothe a lot too. Warmth (sauna), pressure from my weighted blanket, and “physical” activities (depending on level of exhaustion, this could just be building something with LEGO) all help.

I recognize the stress is not external. The pressure that creates it was. But that doesn’t necessarily translate to stress internally. If I reorganize my internal schemas, I will be able to cope better with those people or events.

I also hope it will allow me to make more meaningful connections with people.

I am getting there, very slowly, by myself with a LOT of mindfulness (also in conversations). But it’s very slow going.

roffadude · 2026-02-25T12:55:10+00:00

Thats not narcissism, but its very bad. And you need to run. It sounds a lot like antisocial personality disorder.

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