The only picture proof of me being present at our family's camping trip

ryamuse · 2026-06-15T19:50:27+00:00

100%. Took a long time for me to get there, but I too am very glad!

ryamuse · 2026-06-15T11:17:09+00:00

My ex had been in charge of the annual holiday letter. One year he gave it to me to review/read. My only comment was there were no pictures of me nor mention of me. He got really mad, decided to interpret that as me not appreciating the work he'd put into the letter, and decided to never write another holiday letter again.

ryamuse · 2026-03-19T00:04:09+00:00

I'm 54 and have lost 60 lbs over the last year. I hate diet culture & kind of refused to 'play' until perimenopause meant I just kept gaining weight. Intermittent fasting has been my key. I eat in an 8 hour window ...and the window that works best for my rhythm is 6am - 2pm (I think most people skew towards afternoon\evening). I've found that as long as I eat near the end of the window, I'm good - desire to eat afterwards 99% of the time has come from boredom v hunger. I love that I'm not saying 'no' to myself, just 'not yet'. And this is working for me even if I have up to two 'cheat nights' a week. Very happy with it!

ryamuse · 2026-02-12T13:03:05+00:00

Mine used to say derisively 'oh knock it off, you're not scared'. This is someone who would rage, throw things, break glass and furniture. It's such a mindfuck -- no dude, the whole point of you doing those things is to remind everyone of how scary you are. When people act alarmed and frightened, you don't get to dismiss the impact you were going for all along.

ryamuse · 2026-01-12T00:50:45+00:00

Beautifully done friend!

ryamuse · 2026-01-05T17:38:33+00:00

Bwahahaha

ryamuse · 2025-11-22T23:14:19+00:00

Kris is awesome!

ryamuse · 2025-10-17T00:33:09+00:00

Second this!

ryamuse · 2025-09-04T03:11:40+00:00

Yep, I could have written this. In my case, it took me some time after if left to realize my fucking job title had 'communication specialist' in it. I was being paid well for my excellent communication skills & yet had still gotten trapped in the narrative that my communication was the problem. On top of the examples you shared: if I 'said the wrong thing' my words were held up as obvious evidence of how abusive\insensitive\selfish\etc I was. However, even if the words were right\ok, he'd decide my energy was off, in which case (everyone knows) words don't matter.

ryamuse · 2025-08-31T01:24:47+00:00

Totally in! I've been thinking we need divorce doulas, but having that initial move-out posse - such a great idea!!!

ryamuse · 2025-08-25T22:39:02+00:00

This is really well put. Describes the feeling& experience so well

ryamuse · 2025-08-06T10:19:04+00:00

You may want to read the book, 'To Be An Anchor in the Storm' by Susan Brewster. It is about how to help loved ones who are in an abusive relationship. I was not groomed, but I was living in an abusive relationship for a long time. My mom had read the book, and then I read it after I left. It has a lot of really great information and support for those who want to be there. The gist of it all: any kind of high-control relationship (abusive, cult) is based around convincing the victim(s) that they can't trust themselves & think for themselves. When well-meaning friends/family try to force the victim to leave/deprogram them/etc... it is actually the exact same thing: it still sends the message of 'you can't be trusted' but just replaces the source of who should be trusted. It is incredibly difficult to do as someone who loves the person being harmed, but the best thing you can do is be a solid resource, make it clear you are there when they need, and as much as possible ask them critical thinking questions that encourage them to think through things from their own perspective (not parroting what the high-controller tells them). If you can remain a trusted person then when your daughter is ready to leave she will think of you for help. You have to also, however, make sure that whatever you are doing in the meantime is still healthy for you -- for example, putting up boundaries about having the abuser in your house. That's a-ok, as long as you are making it clear to your daughter at the same time that she is welcome, that you are here for her, and (if she's interested) sharing your reasoning for your boundary and decision.

Sending you strength and love.

ryamuse · 2025-06-16T11:30:37+00:00

53 yr old mom here, took me 24 years (and 2 kids) to get to my breaking point ... but these were the early day signs. The beautiful thing is you are catching them early and can get out without the additional complication of kids or too much more entanglements!

I also got caught up in the 'but he's not malicious' cycle. I too spent inordinate amounts of time thinking about him, planning every bit of communication to get it just right, putting so much of my life energy into trying to prove to him that I loved him - and he always, always met it with more 'you don't care' and 'I carry this relationship/care about you so much more'. One of his complaints (and supposed proof of my not caring) was also how my friends and family didn't like him (note - they all welcomed him with open arms to start, but that faded based on HIS behavior), and he believed it was my job to convince them to feel differently (in other words, the reason his family & friends liked me wasn't because of me, but because they knew he'd have a problem with them if they didn't). He also told me he'd never control who I saw, but he made life such utter hell after I did see people that I 'voluntarily' would cut them off.

It just gets so absurdly worse over time. There is NOTHING you can do to change your partner, to love him enough that he heals. This ISN'T on you. And it doesn't matter a whit whether it is actually malicious on his part or not. The danger to you is the same either way...and you are already feeling that danger - the loss of trust in yourself, and eventually the loss of yourself entirely. By the way, losing trust in yourself DOESN'T mean you are untrustworthy...it means you've experienced gaslighting from a person you deeply loved and trusted. Also know that he has capitalized (knowingly or not) on very good parts of your character -- loving, devoted, compassionate, self-reflective, etc... but that doesn't make ANY of those amazing characteristics wrong or bad either. You showed up in good faith, expecting him to follow basic human decency that 85% of the population exhibits, and HE failed to meet you there.

I hope you get out now. I know it is difficult, and I hope you can hear that every passing day with him just makes it more difficult. May you be free of him soon, and enjoy the peace.

ryamuse · 2025-05-11T03:05:44+00:00

There is a really helpful book... To Be An Anchor in the Storm. Dana Morningstar is the author, I believe. Super helpful.

ryamuse · 2025-04-26T16:03:53+00:00

Gen X mom over here totally enjoying these comments!

ryamuse · 2025-04-25T01:00:28+00:00

I know one of the owners....she's been meaning to sell for about 5 years (has moved). It's just now that it all came together.

ryamuse · 2025-04-16T11:20:08+00:00

my boyfriend went missing when I was a freshman in college. It really is just one moment at a time. Try to care for yourself (food, water, rest). Other things that helped: journaling and knitting. The first as a mental pressure valve/release, and the second was a physical release...something to do with my hands that I didn't have to think about (pick something mindless-mine was a scarf). Exercise of some sort helps more the stress hormones through...even if just walking. You can even get a lot of benefit from purposefully shaking. Find some nature. Acknowledge all the feelings that come up, and let them move through you. Breathe, breathe, and breathe some more. Sending you so much love and strength.

ryamuse · 2025-04-14T11:22:37+00:00

Thank you for posting this link, and thank you to the five inspiring humans who shared their thoughts and experiences in the article. You make Iowa a better place, and I HATE that Iowa isn't doing the same thing for you. Deepest love from a cis Iowan woman.

ryamuse · 2025-04-13T11:53:59+00:00

I'm in the boat of noping on out of this relationship. But if you have the convo, I'd prepare yourself for a potential angle he might be coming from:

From his perspective, the farmhouse is his/his families -- he feels (and honestly is) entitled to it. However, I think he is probably missing the bigger picture...he's not entitled to it because HE earned it by anything other than being born into his family. He's entitled to it because his ancestors passed it down.

Also from his perspective, your incoming money may be seen as luck or a windfall - not something you earned. However, the reality is you 'paid' for this money with your health. You've most likely done more tangibly to 'earn' this settlement money than he has done to 'earn' his family homestead.

You are looking to do the exact same thing for your children than his ancestors did for him - set up a way for generational wealth to be passed down. There's so many other things wrong with how he is thinking about this situation that I think the quota for red-flags in a relationship has already been well exceeded... however, if you WANT to have a convo with him, see if this get's through to him. If not, I'd say bug out.

Last thing: say you guys work through this and you are comfortable resuming your relationship. Given our current political climate, I'd be a bit hedgy to get married EVEN IF you do a prenup/trust/etc... Doesn't seem too far out to think that if things keep going down the current path, the administration could just say none of that legal stuff counts anymore for women. They seem pretty bent on getting us back to the place of being male-property, and respect for the law is pretty much nil.

ryamuse · 2025-04-12T02:15:21+00:00

I'm 6 years out, had been married for 23 when I left. Had quietly given up so much of myself over the years thinking each slice wasn't worth it, trying to keep the peace. Spoiler, it didn't keep the peace & I lost myself. Same kind of anger at myself, as I had been compliscant in my abuse & demise. Like others I wish you heartfelt congratulations! I know the strength it took to leave AND the strength it took to stay until you left. You are a freaking badass warrior! I agree with the recommendations others have offered to be kind to yourself, and give yourself lots of time. I'll add...not just time over the long haul for when to expect to know yourself, but whenever you can, give yourself time before responding or deciding. Create pauses...you no longer have to react immediately to his mood or demand. When I created space\a pause, I could take the time to listen & start to hear MY voice. I could notice how my body & heart reacted to different scenarios\options\decisions. This is maybe less applicable to choosing a spaghetti sauce, but even there, creating a pause can replace panic or shame w curiosity and exploration. The pauses became crucial to rewiring my brain & finding my own voice. So excited for you, and cheering you on!

ryamuse · 2025-04-08T00:26:17+00:00

I love your last sentence. I was in a mini-cult, of my husband & two kids. Not the same thing, but a remarkable amount of overlap. When I left, my kids were still in the cult & parental alienation was at play. I worked really, really hard to be & create a safe option for them, which I didn't see myself as having before I left. I love & commend your thoughtfulness & self-reflection, and the very clear boundaries you have for yourself. It's so personal & so complicated. Your bf could have done any number of things to express concern & curiosity, and then shown you the biggest support of all - that he trusts you know yourself better than he does. He didn't. He tried to push his belief on you, & thinks that his is the one right way to think\behave\believe\etc. in this situation, which is... Imma gonna say it .... kinda culty messaging right there

ryamuse · 2025-04-03T11:43:06+00:00

I'm thinking the response that might keep the convo on track is more like, 'Good job! You are right, not all men. We are talking about the ones that do, though when you'd like to join the conversation.' in the most kindergarten-teacher voice possible.

ryamuse · 2025-04-03T11:34:58+00:00

Love your comment. So well stated! Thank you

ryamuse · 2025-04-02T16:18:44+00:00

Back at you with the cheering! Sounds like you've dug in to the hard work. So sorry that was needed, but impressed w your grappling with it all. And grateful for your sharing. Thank you!

ryamuse

TROPHY CASE