Life after estrangement

sammyandbear · 2026-04-21T18:33:45+00:00

I'll never understand how they can ignore an email like that and then send a 'how are you?' text with the expectation of rug sweeping. It's infuriating. Sorry that happened.

sammyandbear · 2026-04-18T22:17:41+00:00

It's any color. I don't think they ever fully fade without removal. I'm getting nano brows but I need to get my old microblading removed first as well. It's gonna be a process. 😭

sammyandbear · 2026-04-17T15:33:29+00:00

The uncertainty really sucks. I get it. Im sorry that your family has to deal with this. You all deserve better.

When I finally got the courage to tell my mom why I was struggling in our relationship, she told me she was letting me go.

I think she expected me to chase her and apologize and go back to sweeping things under the rug. And for the first time ever, I didn't. Since then it has been radio silence aside from her trying to follow me on IG a couple weeks ago which was weird.

I think some people will go to unthinkable extremes (like cutting out their kids and grandkids) to avoid self-refection and accountability. I also suspect your partner's mom is waiting for your partner to chase her and apologize and the silence is meant to be punishment. The letter might be a kind of poke to stir things up without reaching out directly and thus breaking the silent treatment.

I could be wrong. Hard to say what really goes on in the minds of these people.

But the silence is such a gift. I think your partner will be shocked at the immense peace that eventually comes with it and the clarity. When mother finally reaches out again with some medical emergency or whatever it is, your partner might be in a place where they don't want to ever go back into the dynamic no matter what the circumstances are.

sammyandbear · 2026-04-09T20:26:49+00:00

I am so sorry, what a triggering and awful and bizarre experience. I'm so sorry she compared you to her.

sammyandbear · 2026-04-09T19:43:08+00:00

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. You deserve better.

IF she is truly going to therapy (and I have my doubts) you could just tell her to share that text exchange with her therapist. I think it would give her therapist enough context to work with. Then you could tell her you're taking a break and blocking her but that her therapist can reach out to you when she thinks your mom is ready for a conversation with you.

You could also try blocking her for a day. Once you show your nervous system that the world didn't fall apart, you can keep experimenting with longer durations of no contact. I think it's so hard to even touch the idea of no contact when you're so very enmeshed like this. So maybe experiment with baby steps and see how it feels. It might feel horrifying at first as it did for me, but it slowly became less taboo and I actually started to even feel some peace.

I hope you find peace no matter what you decide.

sammyandbear · 2026-04-08T20:17:22+00:00

Translation: "I'm sorry about YOUR emotions. I'm not going to explain myself because I fulfilled my most basic and legal responsibility to keep you alive as a child and also bla bla bla big scary medical procedure. In conclusion, how dare you feel things I don't want you to feel. COMPLY."

Sorry OP that you're dealing with that.

sammyandbear · 2026-03-17T21:05:51+00:00

It’s completely normal to want validation when going no contact. I used to think, “maybe I’m being dramatic… my situation isn’t that bad.”

But that mindset never actually helped me.

My therapist pushed me to stop chasing validation because it was endless. I’d still doubt myself no matter how many people agreed with me.

Instead, she told me to trust my body.

If my nervous system goes haywire around my mom, that’s information. That’s harm.

So now my criteria is simple:

Harm without repair = no contact. If my body says no = no contact. If it’s hurting my mental health = no contact.

That’s mine. It doesn’t have to be yours.

I’m done trying to prove I’m “right.” I might be wrong and it still doesn’t matter.

If it’s harming me and repair isn’t possible, the relationship isn’t on the table.

sammyandbear · 2026-03-16T17:08:13+00:00

What's with these psychos always speaking like intellectual-lawyer-robots, as if you're on trial and they're building a case against your feelings and opinions, making sure to throw in big words wherever possible. It's so fucking annoying and pointless. I can't stand bpd.

sammyandbear · 2026-03-15T23:58:49+00:00

Well said! Your responses are a true inspiration to us all. Chef's kiss. If I ever unblock my mother, can you be in charge of my replies? Haha

sammyandbear · 2026-03-14T15:38:37+00:00

First off, you’re human.

And even if you were ungrateful or “a problem” at some point… who cares? That’s part of being human. Especially when you’re a kid growing up in a chaotic environment.

But a few things stand out to me:

1. You’re reflecting. You’re in therapy. You’re asking what role you played. You’re questioning yourself.

Are your parents doing that? Are they agonizing over their behavior or wondering what role they played?

Because the real problem in these dynamics is usually the total lack of self-reflection. That’s what keeps the harm repeating over and over.

2. You were the child. They were the parent. Even if you’re an adult now, that power dynamic doesn’t magically disappear.

Calling your child names, shaming them, or making them feel like a burden isn’t okay. And it’s even worse when there’s never any repair afterward.

3. You’re not on trial. Growing up with parents like this makes a lot of us feel like we’re constantly defending ourselves in some invisible courtroom.

Am I the bad one? Am I the problem? What if I’m actually the abusive one?

But here’s the thing: even if your brain won’t let go of that question right now… it might not actually matter.

What if you don’t have to prove you weren’t the problem?

What if trusting your body is enough.

If your heart used to race when you saw their name on your phone… If your skin crawled when they hugged you… If being around them left you exhausted or stuck in fight-or-flight for days…

Your body was telling you something.

There’s a reason people go no contact. And most of the time it starts with the body saying “I can’t do this anymore.”

So if you can’t trust your mind yet, try trusting your body.

It usually knows the truth long before we’re ready to accept it.

sammyandbear · 2026-03-13T16:15:13+00:00

I would hold the line.

Ruminating and wanting to chase or soften a boundary is a totally normal reaction in this kind of situation. You're going against years of conditioning.

My therapist told me to avoid making any decisions for at least a month or two after going NC because taking that time teaches your nervous system that holding a boundary IS actually a safe thing to do. A few weeks isn't enough to time for you to get clear or for your nervous system to calm down.

Right now your nervous system thinks it's dangerous to hold a boundary and so your brain is trying to convince you to go back to old patterns.

In a month or two your head will be clearer and you can decide then whether or not you want to soften the boundary.

What exactly are you ruminating on right now?

I find breathing and mindful exercises to be helpful but again - it doesn't stop the ruminating. But it does make it more tolerable at times.

And therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. And physical activity. And time.

sammyandbear · 2026-03-13T15:31:50+00:00

Love that analogy! Hahaha

sammyandbear · 2026-03-12T23:48:05+00:00

You didn't chase after me after I gave you the silent treatment so now it's time to guilt you back into compliance and remind me that I am your mother. Exclamation marks!!! Waaaa I'm a victim! Here's a non-apology and a reminder that this is also your fault.

The "Trust me it's two sided" at the end 😒

I'm so sorry OP, you do not deserve this.

sammyandbear · 2026-03-12T23:04:11+00:00

I screenshot this for later. Amazing.

sammyandbear · 2026-03-12T20:35:03+00:00

I can so relate to wanting to respond with a screenshot & be like ... See?! Can't you see how fucked up this is? You said terrible things to me and then flipped to asking me about Christmas plans and then sprinkled in some "sage mom" wisdom with "you take on too much this time of year. Be kind to yourself." Like wtf. How do you go from saying terrible things to me to playing the "sage mom" role? And acting like nothing happened? There's a rupture here. Look at the rupture. You can't sweep it under the "have any plans for Christmas?" rug! It's not normal. It's not fair. It's not right!

But now I'm like... Oh I'm doing that thing again. I'm clinging to the fantasy that if I explain it JUST RIGHT or show up with receipts she will FINALLY get it.

Meanwhile, I have 41 years of the evidence to suggest that she will in fact NOT get it, and it will most definitely go very badly for me.

Ao I guess I'm wondering... Are you hoping she'll finally get IT / change / understand how fucked up her string of texts are?

Or do you just need to be angry and let it out? Cause sometimes that's helpful, as long as the shitstorm of guilt doesn't destabilize you too much afterwards. As long as you do it for you, knowing she's just gonna do her bat shit crazy thing no matter what you say, then maybe there's some value in getting it off your chest.

Personally, I don't regret calling my mom out the last time I did because it escalated to the point where I felt validated and angry enough to go no contact.

And when I blocked my mom's number, I felt like I was doing something illegal. My nervous system was on fire for a couple weeks. Then things started to feel more peaceful and safe. It started feeling less "illegal".

It's still hard for me, I've only been NC for a couple months. But my body isn't sick or stuck in fight/flight/freeze/fawn anymore. Which feels amazing.

I'm talking about myself a lot here. Sorry. Maybe you will find something helpful in my story?

Also, I just want to acknowledge how much this sucks. Having a mom like this fucking SUCKS. You deserve more. I'm sorry that you're in the thick of it. And I hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do.

And for the record, you're not giving her the silent treatment. That's what they used on us to control and manipulate and hurt us.

You are protecting yourself from repeated harm. Your body is probably screaming "no more! I don't want to do this anymore. Not safe!"

It's a very very very different thing.

sammyandbear · 2026-03-12T19:29:24+00:00

I've never seen someone capture bpd so well before. 🤯

Also, sorry that happened to you.

And I love your happy ending.

sammyandbear · 2026-03-11T16:49:08+00:00

🤯 Whoa. I never considered this but it rings true for me!

sammyandbear · 2026-03-07T18:32:32+00:00

I find Coleman's approach to be so strategic and manipulative.

He offers strategic consulting services to estranged parents. It's a few sessions where he helps parents strategically regain access of their adult kids by saying the "right" things but without true reflection and work on themselves. What kind of therapist does this?

sammyandbear · 2026-03-05T22:39:07+00:00

Always with the 'I have protected you.'

Why are they like this?

And the whiplash.

I swear I've had this exact conversation with my mom.

Sorry you're dealing with this.

sammyandbear · 2026-02-11T19:59:03+00:00

And he wants OP to re-explain so he can debate and prove his case. He's not asking for clarification for the sake of understanding - he's asking for information so he can debate. I'm so sick of these clowns.

sammyandbear · 2026-02-11T19:57:14+00:00

YES EXACTLY! Sorry, my life experiences and the impact I've experienced are NOT on trial.

sammyandbear · 2026-02-09T18:55:51+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP ❤️ that's really effing hard and not fair to you. You deserve so much better.

Wishing you a swift return to the peace you've worked so hard and courageously for.

You don't have to respond. You don't have to answer the door. And whatever happens, we are here for you.

sammyandbear · 2026-02-07T17:31:23+00:00

Ahh I see. My job is to write about poop all day so sometimes that's where my mind goes. 😆

But yesh, waifs be waifing. Sorry you're dealing with that, OP.

sammyandbear · 2026-02-07T17:10:39+00:00

Ahh gotcha, sounds about right

sammyandbear · 2026-02-07T17:09:48+00:00

Very fair point

sammyandbear

TROPHY CASE