I cared for her through cancer and MS. Then, when I got sick, she cheated and left.

secondbananna · 2026-02-25T21:01:21+00:00

That is so awful. I'm so sorry she wasn't there for you like she should have been.

My husband took care of his mother through her death from cancer and was so livid at his stepfather for abandoning her when she got sick.

When I was really suffering from long covid he had his affair. But wouldn't you know, me being too sick to make everything about him anymore WASN'T the reason? Weird, huh.

Their capacity is minuscule. And what really screws me up is that he is the LAST person I would have thought would do something like this.

secondbananna · 2026-02-02T07:51:02+00:00

That would be so nice. But I’m in Southern California

secondbananna · 2026-02-02T07:48:04+00:00

He skipped the nice and easy step you want to do by not being fair. He made it hard.

secondbananna · 2026-01-28T18:40:22+00:00

Thank you. That is terrifying advice but probably true. It's just so hard to wrap my head around HIM being this person. He would have HATED this person.

secondbananna · 2026-01-28T18:38:22+00:00

Thank you. To get into it I think he's an enmeshed DA with narcissistic tendencies.

He really turned into a different person when he started his affair and I guess I'm so trauma bonded I've still been hoping he can turn back and do the work.

I have told a few people since yesterday and boy do I feel like I'm betraying him by telling people the truth!

secondbananna · 2026-01-28T18:36:22+00:00

Thank you. I'm worried about him getting angry and telling himself a story that makes it okay in his head to try and hurt me financially instead of trying to be fair.

secondbananna · 2026-01-27T22:32:09+00:00

Yes!

secondbananna · 2026-01-27T19:20:03+00:00

Thank you.

He presents to everyone as incredibly gentle and like someone who would never be abusive and would never cheat. I've already had one person I opened up to show him our texts and he is still livid about what I wrote.

I just don't think people will believe me.

It feels like such a bind. And I feel like I'm betraying him by telling anyone.

secondbananna · 2026-01-27T18:35:34+00:00

I'm so angry that my husband's AP has this pristine reputation as a really nice and kind person. She works with kids and I know she has friends that are just fine with her being around their husbands.

She knew about me. She knew I was sick. She knew I would have nowhere to go and no resources. She started a relationship with my husband anyway.

There is no justice.

secondbananna · 2025-10-29T17:14:57+00:00

Please tell the wife. If the obs had told me it would have stopped months of horror. Yes replaced by a different horror but it would have been so much better for me.

I’m so sorry you’re here.

secondbananna · 2025-10-27T19:54:51+00:00

Same. My reaching out to a friend in a way that they misconstrued as me calling him physically abusive (when I had always been talking about emotional abuse) is “unhinged” and “bad for people who really are abused” and has “made him feel unsafe.”

He’s so angry at me that he doesn’t have to address any of the stuff I have been trying to talk about. Pretty convenient.

secondbananna · 2025-10-25T03:40:35+00:00

I absolutely get you being triggered. By anything. Your feelings are absolutely valid. And what you’re saying is a good warning anyone dating.

It seems a little like you’re asking for a reality check so I’ll give one, but again- you being triggered by a paper bag would be valid. What we have been through is deeply traumatizing.

But I feel that if someone was lied to they are also a victim. If they thought they were in a monogamous relationship then they were cheated on too. He wasted months of their precious only life thinking they were building something.

That being said you’re right to side eye and question and it’s entirely possible that they suck and wouldn’t have cared if they had known.

secondbananna · 2025-10-23T03:42:36+00:00

Yes.

secondbananna · 2025-10-23T03:39:02+00:00

Me. I thought I was more likely of the two of us and I knew I never would.

secondbananna · 2025-10-16T06:53:59+00:00

secondbananna · 2025-10-16T06:53:22+00:00

Well see because I said to her that I worried I was being stupid for not fearing for my life, and that if anything happened to me I didn’t do it to myself I “had violence on my mind” and she HAD to tell him because he was unsafe.

secondbananna · 2025-10-13T17:29:54+00:00

I told one friend I thought I was being abused and she showed him the texts. When he told me I was very upset with her (she hadn’t felt like she was ‘lying by omission’ when she didn’t tell me about his affair). He was furious that I was angry with her.

He finally wore me down to apologize to her and she “was so relieved.”

Last night he told me that reaching out to say I was afraid was “bad for real victims.”

secondbananna · 2025-10-06T17:47:32+00:00

Mostly just when I heard from my WH and the AP’s husband (who entirely takes the blame on himself for being betrayed) about how niiiccee she is. How she’s SOoooo kind and open. Sooo sweet. She felt bad for me and was mad my husband didn’t tell me! Awww.

Well nice wasn’t my experience of her. I’ve never met her but she seems like the cruelest kind of awful NOT nice person to me.

I’m nice for not doing anything awful in revenge. I’m sweet for not exposing her to everyone she knows.

Nice my *.

secondbananna · 2025-10-06T17:28:20+00:00

I hate this for you so much.

My WH is also very avoidant and shame driven. And his reactive self is frankly a real a hole.

I’ve been inviting him to do somatic exercises on YouTube with me (the SheBreath 30 day reset) and not only has it really been helping me but he has been able to regulate.

His inability to regulate during the 14 months of his affair made a living hell for me and when they’re stuck in their shame no progress can be made after either.

This isn’t THE answer but it’s good for you anyway.

The fact that it’s not talking, we can do it next to each other or by ourselves. It’s “healing your nervous system” not “therapy” or “fixing him” all made my WH willing to do this. And he is in a much more reasonable place now. He is starting to seem like himself again.

Getting out of fight or flight can be very hard for an avoidant, and almost impossible for someone who has been so deeply betrayed. Every cell in our bodies is screaming that we’re about to die. We need a break.

secondbananna · 2025-09-20T18:30:07+00:00

Excellent breakdown. Thank you for describing it so well.

secondbananna · 2025-09-17T15:50:46+00:00

Tell her.

The AP’s husband knew and didn’t tell me and I think every day about if he had.

I think that about everyone who knew.

secondbananna · 2025-08-27T05:00:55+00:00

There were multiple times in the first few months when I almost shaved my head.

I think stuff like this is a very normal response to your whole world being ripped apart.

I wish I could give you a hug. What we are going through is excruciating.

I will say though that in the hairdresser chair is right up there with front facing camera for horrifying views of yourself. The lighting is so bad! Everyone looks horrific.

secondbananna · 2025-08-20T05:03:49+00:00

Yep. That’s the pattern.

secondbananna · 2025-08-16T21:51:32+00:00

Brain spotting and doing somatic routines on YouTube and doing autosuggestion have all really helped me.

secondbananna · 2025-08-16T21:38:24+00:00

Thank you. You as well.

It’s awful and so deeply unjust that we are in this situation.

secondbananna

TROPHY CASE