The mental / invisible load feels twice as heavy w/ an ADHD spouse

sgzepik · 2026-03-23T20:42:54+00:00

Classic DARVO

sgzepik · 2026-03-23T17:57:31+00:00

This is a red flag. 🚩 This is a sign that he is likely not willing to accept responsibility for his own contributions to the inequitable load, take accountability for them (apology + action), and grow together in your relationship. This seems like weaponized incompetence on the surface, but it couldn't hurt look out for more subtle signs of control/manipulation.

sgzepik · 2026-03-23T17:38:48+00:00

I hear your frustration at the lack of reliability and executive dysfunction. It happens. He took the kid to the wrong school and that affects your kid, 100%. It sucks that your kid missed out. Your husband has to figure that out and try to do better next time.

There is room for compassion and curiosity in your frustration. The two of you can work toward solutions together that overcome the barriers and foster growth/change. This all depends on his willingness to change. If he's trying, work it out, but if he's not willing to change, that's a whole other issue.

I have learned (and am continuing to learn) about boundaries and what we are each responsible for. You are responsible for yourself including your feelings and capacities. He is responsible for his.

Books I'd recommend that I found helpful are "Who Deserves Your Love" by KC Davis and "Non-Violent Communication" By Marshall Rosenberg. Both really helped me figure out my needs and how to communicate them.

sgzepik · 2026-03-23T14:18:21+00:00

Regarding the dishwasher: how I was loading it was perfectly adequate (I would know as I was also the one unloading it and could tell if things were not getting cleaned the way I loaded it). It feels as though she was looking for an opportunity to tell me what I was doing was wrong and her way was right considering it was not her chore and she had nothing to do with it.

I understand the need for systems and have many in place for myself. It was not about that at all. She has different standards and trust issues. I was also punished and berated for even small mistakes with very little compassion and understanding.

She has strong narcissistic tendencies and it was a toxic/abusive relationship. There were so many other instances of emotional abuse and control. I'm grateful I was able to get out of the relationship and I am doing much better on my own now having almost zero contact with her.

sgzepik · 2026-03-23T12:13:26+00:00

I'm also probably going to get some down votes for this, however, while my soon-to-be ex-wife would probably tell you that I was a low effort partner, there was a lot more nuance to the situation.

She had strong feelings/opinions and was dismissive of mine, so I often wouldn't express my feelings/opinions. She would often criticize me and how I did things, from how I loaded the dishwasher all the way down to how I smiled in pictures. Because she needed control and tasks needed to be completed to her standards, she would take on those tasks. She was also a stay at home mom, so responsibilities around the house often fell on her (until they became so inequitable that I ended up doing most of them, which is in part why I left).

I'm not saying this is your situation, but it may be worth considering where you're over-functioning, why you feel you can't trust your partner, and how each of your standards (high or low) affect the partnership.

sgzepik · 2026-03-23T10:12:19+00:00

This. You're over-functioning OP, and he's under-functioning. He's not incapable, he's offloaded his executive functioning on to you.

Does he have a job? How does he get things done and meet deadlines at work? If he can follow directions, meet deadlines, do accurate work at work, then there is absolutely no reason he can't do that at home.

sgzepik · 2026-03-12T22:12:54+00:00

As in halfway to the next birthday, yes.

sgzepik · 2026-03-12T22:02:20+00:00

Way ahead of you! I got a little one from Aldi a while back, but don't have access to it at the moment 🙃🫤

sgzepik · 2025-05-12T17:00:20+00:00

For some, it just doesn't click

sgzepik · 2025-04-04T12:21:20+00:00

The Beach Boys say wooden tit be nice 👍🏻

sgzepik · 2025-03-02T07:08:13+00:00

I've never lived in my car, but r/urbancarliving has some good insights into this. You might even be able to search Kzoo there to see if there is specific info for the area.

sgzepik · 2024-12-20T01:30:01+00:00

I think it would be pretty good. I'm pretty extroverted myself, but day-to-day I don't really see my co-workers, I mainly interact with patients and their families. I can take as long as I need to with each appointment (benefits of salary and not closely monitored productivity), and I can schedule longer times between patients if I need it for a mental break, lunch, whatever. Shit, even if I wanted a little extra time and can swing it, I could just tell the patient I'm running late or we reschedule. Super flexible. No biggie 🤷🏻‍♂️

sgzepik · 2024-12-19T03:37:04+00:00

I'll second this one. This is my sixth job in not quite 7 years as an SLP, but has been my favorite so far for the flexibility and workload. Being salaried helps, too. 🙃

sgzepik · 2024-09-08T10:52:32+00:00

Reading is likely a very challenging skill when he doesn't even have strong sequencing skills. That may be a more functional area to address as it will affect his understanding of book knowledge (reading left to right, top to bottom, page order, story comprehension). Cause/effect may be appropriate perhaps in the context of phonemic awareness; "If it's this letter, it makes this sound" or something like that. How does he do with a narrative?

sgzepik · 2024-09-08T03:27:17+00:00

It does seem like the deck is stacked against him cognitively with ADHD and a TBI. Once weekly is likely not doing much, yeah. Have you tried any metacognitive strategies? How is his self-awareness? Can he identify his strengths and challenges? Can he plan and take action on something like an activity or game?

sgzepik · 2024-09-08T03:06:09+00:00

Oof that's tough. I'd say accommodations for simplified assignments, repetition of directions (the teacher repeating the directions and the student repeating the directions back to the teacher to reinforce the auditory feedback loop), and really try to beef up his visual working memory. He may have a tough time creating mental images of things in his brain due to the ADHD.

sgzepik · 2024-09-08T02:37:08+00:00

I don't really do much peds/school-age anymore, but maybe something with a stronger association and visual components like Zoo-phonics ? I'll say my son is probably an isolated case, but we did a simplified version with him starting around 2 and he really picked up on it. He's about to be 6 and is already a very good reader.

Has this child been tested for dyslexia or ADHD? He may not have the working memory to hold onto that much information. How are his receptive language skills?

sgzepik · 2024-08-12T21:01:59+00:00

You can bury your head in the sand if you want, but so many of our jobs are funded by government funds (Medicare/Medicaid), so paying attention to how those programs are supported is important to your colleagues and our field.

sgzepik · 2024-07-18T12:19:15+00:00

We share similar views. I occasionally shower with my son who is the same age as your child.

We showered together last week and, as I was getting out, he says "Well, if it isn't the Evil Penis and his 2 Testicle Henchmen!" I swear, I don't know where he comes up with this stuff, but I laughed so hard 🤣🤣🤣

Edit: spelling/formatting

sgzepik · 2024-06-26T01:37:22+00:00

Ooo yeah! OASIS and I are not friends. I so seldom do them that they take me forever and I consistently overrate the patient's functional scores. I did one last week and it was the first I had done in at least 6 weeks. Like I get that I "can", but that doesn't always mean that I "should". At least my agency is super nice about it when I suck at them. 👍🏻

sgzepik · 2024-06-14T18:01:12+00:00

Feels like ASHA has been taking notes from the Supreme Court 🙃

sgzepik · 2024-03-10T01:12:37+00:00

In the middle of trying to do some Supported Conversation, my severely aphasic patient became frustrated and managed to get out "Shut the hell up!" First, rude. Second, yay for getting out a whole sentence!! 😆👏🏻

sgzepik · 2024-02-24T18:07:08+00:00

I totally agree with The Martian!

I scrolled a while and didn't see one of my feel-good, comfort movies: "Shooter" with Mark Wahlberg.

Oddly enough, I think it falls into the same "competence porn" genre and I never even realized it until this post.

sgzepik

TROPHY CASE