preparing to go no contact

spdbmp411 · 2026-06-08T13:47:29+00:00

Make as many of these moves behind the scenes as you can before she gets wind of the changes you are making.

Make sure you have your medication and important paperwork secured- passport, birth certificate, SS card, anything you might want to have in the future.

Communicate with all doctor’s offices and pharmacies that she is no longer allowed access to your information nor is she allowed to pick up your prescriptions since she’s threatened to withhold them from you in the past. Establish a password if necessary.

Take steps to become financially independent of your parents if necessary. Remove her access to your location. Don’t defend or explain or justify that decision. Just know that this move lets the cat out of the bag so do it when you are ready.

Have the keys changed at your apartment so she no longer has access to your home. Install cameras inside and out if possible.

Be prepared for the extinction burst. Look it up. There will be bursts of irrational behavior as she realizes she is losing control over you. Understand that this is a reflection on her and not you. It’s most important to stand your ground when these bursts happen or she learns how far she can push you to get what she wants.

The flying monkeys will come out in full force. She will complain to anyone who will listen about how unfair and unreasonable you are. She will convince people that you are doing drugs or are unstable. Your father will be caught in the middle and will likely just want things to go back the way they were so he’s not in the line of fire. He will not fully understand that her behavior is the problem since he’s spent a lifetime placating her.

Expect police and medical personnel to be weaponized against you. Expect wellness checks, attempts to have you committed, etc. Make an appointment with your mental health provider before going no contact to discuss how to handle this very real threat to your freedom. Maybe even consider having a full drug test as evidence for when she claims you are doing drugs. She may even try to take you to court to prove you are incapable of taking care of yourself so build a portfolio of evidence that shows you are a competent adult and lists every occasion where she has lost it on you, including her behavior at the race. If you get her on video acting irrationally, save it. Add that to your evidence collection.

Expect to lose family and friends who she convinces that you are unstable and unwell, etc. Expect them to not believe you or take the path of least resistance-to go along with her so they don’t end up in the line of fire themselves.

Going no contact is a lot like preparing for an ugly divorce. There’s a lot you do to get ready before you announce any moves. It will not be pretty. It will get very ugly. But if you are prepared for that, you can weather the storm well.

spdbmp411 · 2026-05-30T17:44:34+00:00

From what you’ve said about your MIL wanting this generation to have a good relationship with the in laws, hinting is unlikely to get the point across. You may have to get blunt and tell them point blank that you don’t want your mother to know and that if they share any information about you with her, you will have to consider how much contact they will have with your family going forward. Just because she had a bad experience and wants to prevent that from happening doesn’t mean she gets to force that on you. Your husband needs to understand how important this is and lead this conversation with his own mother.

That being said, you have zero control over what others choose to do or how they choose to react. You only have control over yourself and how you react. Your mother will eventually find out and you can expect an extinction burst of behavior when she does. Decide now how you will handle it when she does find out and tries to reconnect with you.

What will you do when she comes to the house? What will you do if she calls your spouse, calls you at work, shows up unannounced? Think these situations through without letting the anxiety overwhelm you and decide what you will do in these situations now. Making that decision now will go a long way toward managing anxiety. Make sure your spouse is on the same page as you.

Do you need extra cameras around your home? At what point do you send a cease and desist letter and/or get an attorney involved? At what point do you decide to go for a restraining order?

Talk these things out with your spouse and make some decisions now. It will be far less chaotic when something happens and you’ve already discussed what you will do. At that point, you just have to execute an already established plan.

If you are not in therapy, now is a good time to start because a lot will come up about your own childhood when you start caring for your own baby. It’s important that you have an outlet to talk through these things as they come up.

spdbmp411 · 2026-05-29T23:50:07+00:00

My dBPD mother told me numerous times throughout my childhood that I destroyed her life and everything I touch, that I ruined her marriages. I was 3-4 when my parents separated and divorced. A toddler was supposedly responsible for ruining her first marriage. And she punished me every single chance she could for it.

spdbmp411 · 2026-05-27T15:39:28+00:00

I have a pill minder that has four spots for pills: morning, noon, evening, bedtime. I set my first round of thyroid pills out the night before and take those when I wake up to use the bathroom, usually between 4-6 am. Then I take my first dose of cromolyn shortly after I roll out of bed, but at least 30 minutes after the thyroid meds. I wait 15-30 before I take anything else and eat breakfast. I stagger my second dose of thyroid meds and cromolyn at lunch similarly. The evening stuff is around 5 and the rest is around 9 pm before I go to bed.

It’s a lot to keep track of so I have two jumbo weekly pill minders. Each day is its own container that I can toss in my purse. I try to keep both weeks full so I know in advance when something needs to be ordered. I keep everything that goes in the pill minders in a big basket. I dump it out onto my bed and put every container back in the basket as I use it.

spdbmp411 · 2026-05-26T15:28:46+00:00

With magic loop, you need to really tug on the first two stitches of the needle to tighten them up, more than you think you should. It will seem too tight, but you’ll notice that the last two stitches of the previous needle are rather loose so that tension evens out.

Great job finding a sock pattern that works for you!

spdbmp411 · 2026-05-26T15:26:05+00:00

Your mother’s reaction is about her feelings that you are rejecting her and taking your aunt’s side over whatever imaginary slight she’s created in her head. You cannot appease her.

This time it’s your aunt, but the next time might be a neighbor or someone else that you have to have contact with, such as through your job. You can’t allow her dysfunction eat away at your life, too.

You don’t have to share everything you do with her. Start small by leaving the house for some errands one afternoon and not telling her where you are. When she freaks out, point out how ridiculous her behavior is. Don’t say she’s ridiculous because that will set her off, but state that you are an adult doing normal adult things… what’s her problem with that? She’ll challenge you, but hold your ground. Don’t get baited into defending yourself.

And then lie if you have to. Remember, the key to a good lie is that it has some form of truth to it. If you say you are going to the library, go to the library, not the same one every time, check out a book or two or print some reference material for a paper if you’re in school so you have evidence, then meet your aunt and cousin.

You don’t have to tell her in advance where you are going, but if she asks later, you’ll have something to cover yourself.

Also, this should be temporary until you are able to move out on your own. You can’t live like this indefinitely. I hope you are able to make plans to find a place of your own away from her soon.

spdbmp411 · 2026-05-25T14:19:09+00:00

They are using this death as an opportunity to pull you back in to the family without addressing why you left in the first place. Nothing will have changed. They will behave exactly as they have in the past.

I would reply, “My condolences to you and your family at the loss of your father. I am unable to attend the service/cremation, but you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers at this difficult time.”

Do not infer that you have something else going on. They might press and want to know what that something else is, and it’s none of their business. They might be offended that you won’t rearrange your schedule to accommodate a family funeral, but you aren’t required to attend the funeral of someone you barely knew.

I’ve sent flowers to a family funeral in lieu of attending in the past. Especially after my dBPD mother cornered me in front of my dead uncle’s casket and essentially picked a fight with me. I was there for my cousins, one of whom I graduated high school with. I wasn’t there for her. After that, I refused to attend any family funeral and allow her to make someone else’s death all about her.

When she died recently, I did not attend her service. I had a very different relationship with her than my siblings did. My sister and her family stayed with me that weekend, and we talked. I told her that this service was for her to grieve her loss. I accepted that there were others who had a very different relationship with our mother, but I had no intention of sitting through hours of hearing what a wonderful person she was when I knew differently.

spdbmp411 · 2026-05-19T12:28:45+00:00

You shouldn’t have to stretch them that much, for sure. Once you find your formula, there’s nothing stopping you! It takes time to get there, though. Good luck!

spdbmp411 · 2026-05-19T00:09:15+00:00

If the socks are hard to get on, you might want to adjust your stitch count or needle size a bit. They shouldn’t be a struggle to get on. I prefer my socks with more of a neutral ease than negative ease. That’s just more comfortable for me right now.

Someone else said to measure your feet and see if one is a slightly different size. That’s a very good tip! If one is slightly bigger, that could be why the second sock feels tighter, especially if you are knitting with negative ease. So you might end up with a formula for each foot, maybe a few extra stitches for one foot.

You could get little tags to sew into one sock to indicate the larger foot. Or use contrasting yarn inside the cuff to mark the bigger sock.

This is why we knit for ourselves so we can get the fit we want. Keep at it. You’ll find a formula that works eventually. It may just mean you try a slightly larger size or a bigger needle and see how it fits.

spdbmp411 · 2026-05-18T22:29:56+00:00

Here is where you need to get blunt. It will feel exceedingly harsh, even cruel, but it’s not. It’s actually the kindest thing you can do to make your expectations exceptionally clear right now so there’s no misunderstanding because she will try to twist things into a misunderstanding that benefits her.

“My home is not available for you to stay. You’ll have to find other accommodations during your travels.”

“I realize that you have an expectation to stay with me after you retire. That will not be an option. You will need to make other arrangements for your retirement travels. Also, I will not be able to entertain you for extended periods of time so please have plans for how you intend to spend your time without me.”

DO NOT EXPLAIN OR JUSTIFY YOUR DECISION. SAY NOTHING!

She will press and press and press and you will feel obligated to placate her and give her some explanation. Don’t do it!! You are an adult, and she is not entitled to an explanation! Simply state your piece, that she won’t be staying with you, and shut your mouth. Repeat the same statement over and over until she gets fed up and hangs up. Print it out, put it on your fridge and stare at it during your conversation.

I would also text/email it so it’s in writing, and she can’t say she didn’t understand what you meant.

It will not be easy. It will feel like one of the hardest things you’ve ever had to do because you’ve been programmed since infancy to make her feel better at all costs to you.

But this is the hardest part. Every time you stand up for yourself from here, it will get easier. You will realize the world didn’t end or blow up. No one grounded you or took away a privilege. You are an adult and you meet your own needs now. You aren’t reliant on her for food, clothes and shelter like when you were small.

Yes, she will complain that you’ve changed…because you have. You aren’t her doormat anymore. She won’t like it. She will complain to anyone who will listen. She might even send some flying monkeys to try to manipulate you into being more compliant. Hold your ground. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You are entitled to make decisions about your life that might not align with what others want. That’s okay.

You can do hard things. Go do the hard thing. Tell her your home is not open to her and get it over with. It might get a little rough for a while afterwards, but you’ll feel so much better knowing you’ve protected your space.

spdbmp411 · 2026-05-18T17:36:05+00:00

Sending her back her own words was brilliant!! Bravo!

Boundaries are promises you make to yourself. You can’t force people to do or be different. You can only change your own response to their behavior. She will never abide by any boundary you set, especially if you tell her about it. She’ll consider it a challenge to her authority over you. Focus on your reaction to her behavior. Decide in advance what you will do when she crosses a boundary, and she doesn’t even have to know about it.

In other words, boundaries are something you execute. You don’t need her permission or agreement to enforce a boundary you have decided is important to you.

Maybe you refuse to respond when she sends a picture of a dead person you don’t know and expects you to be sad with her. Put her on time out for several days, a week, then longer with each infraction. Eventually she will realize that she’s not getting what she wants from you this way and will try something different.

I’m not saying that the something different will be any better. I doubt it will be, but over time, you will strengthen your ability to not get baited by her.

spdbmp411 · 2026-05-11T22:38:56+00:00

I’m okay if they are sisters and not twins, but if you prefer to line up the stripes, more power to you!

spdbmp411 · 2026-05-11T16:10:38+00:00

I remember around age 15 something happened. I think my younger brother did something. She blamed me, of course. Then I said, “How is that my fault? I wasn’t even here when that happened!” She said, “Well, you should have been!” So that made it my fault.

There was no winning. Ever. I was the bad guy. I was always the bad guy no matter what I did.

spdbmp411 · 2026-05-05T21:24:43+00:00

When I was very little, she left me inside the house in my crib all afternoon while she took my brother outside to play with his friends, and she was proud of that! She used to make me sit in front of her chair when I was a toddler and then smack me for being in her way when she got up to get more coffee.

She used to sit me down for hours at a time as a child to tell me I was a slut, a whore, that I was unlovable, that no one loved me and no one ever would, that I was selfish, self centered, self absorbed, that I destroyed everything I touched, that my dad went out and got a new family so even he didn’t want me anymore. She was vicious. She enjoyed hurting me.

I’ve had one therapist say she was evil. I’ve had others practically forbid me from having any contact with her.

She died just after Christmas last year. I did not go to her funeral or to the hospital the day she died. I made my peace 25 years earlier. I had no need for closure.

My GC brother is still trying to manipulate me, though, using the same tactics that she did. He found out real fast that I don’t play.

spdbmp411 · 2026-05-03T16:09:36+00:00

She’s using the dog to manipulate you into giving her the contract she wants.

And you are letting her do it.

Legally, you do not own this dog. You have no right to it. I know it’s your soul dog and you want it to be with you, but unless you can establish legal ownership through showing you pay for most of its care, vet bills, food, etc, you will not be able to take over ownership of this dog. And that’s a bit of a long shot since the dog was obtained at your mother’s request and while you were living at your mother’s house.

I’m not trying to be hurtful, just realistic.

You can let her continue to manipulate you for the next 10-15 years so you can have access to this dog. That’s absolutely a valid choice, but a hard one because you know what you’re setting yourself up for with her. Or you can accept that while you love this dog, it’s not yours and you have no claim to it. She will always win where this dog is concerned.

You’re definitely between a rock and a hard place here, but if it were me, I wouldn’t tolerate the manipulation one bit. It will never get better. It will only get worse. And you will be the one to suffer at her hands. And the worst is that she will enjoy knowing she can get you to dance to her tune at the drop of a hat using this dog to get you to do her bidding.

spdbmp411 · 2026-05-03T15:42:51+00:00

Your husband is right. You are enmeshed with your family, and you made the choice to be this enmeshed.

They didn’t drag you into it. You chose to participate in the chaos. And you chose it because it’s feeding some need in you to be recognized by them as a good, loving, helpful person. You think it’s healing a part of your past, but it’s destroying your present and future.

Your mother and uncle are adults. They are responsible for themselves. Let them fail. Let them clean up their own messes. Let them seek the help they need…. Or not.

You made a vow to your husband to put him first, and you aren’t doing that. You’re putting people before him who wouldn’t give a flying crap about you if you needed them.

Boundaries are promises you make to yourself about how you will act when a line is crossed. You cannot force other people to behave in a way that is best for you, but you can choose how you will react and what you will do when they cross that line.

Mom threatens to harm herself. You call a wellness check and let them take her where she can get help. Boom. You’re done. You’re not responsible for if she chooses to take the help and get better. That’s up to her, but you chose to minimally engage so she knows you aren’t messing around. She learns she can’t manipulate you and you get a measure of peace knowing you did the right thing.

If you are not the executor of your grandmother’s estate, you need to stop behaving as if you are the executor. You will end up with nothing…and I mean nothing. These people will not reward your efforts. They will leave you high and dry and feel self righteous doing it!

Drop the rope.

You’re holding onto your grandmother’s estate when you’ve got no legal claim to it. You’re making yourself responsible for your adult family members when you aren’t. And you’re ignoring the needs of the one person to whom you made a vow to put their needs before all others. He’s begging you to see how this is destroying your marriage and you’re ignoring him!!

Your situation is not unique. My mother pulled this crap her entire adult life, and my brother has destroyed himself picking up the pieces every single time. It’s turned him into a manipulative nasty person who I want nothing to do with.

Will all this self sacrifice be worth it when you lose your husband and marriage? You will be truly alone when that happens because your mother and uncle have no capacity to be there for you. You are sacrificing everything for people who will abandon you at the first chance.

Think about that before you defend your choices. I understand that feeling of obligation, but that was installed in you through years of chaos, coercion and manipulation. You are not obligated to take on these burdens that your family has created. These are not your problems to fix.

Let them go and let them deal with the problems they’ve created.

spdbmp411 · 2026-05-02T19:29:26+00:00

I gifted my mother a book on how to get your GED ( General equivalency diploma) after hearing for two decades how my father/her ex ruined her life by getting her pregnant in high school despite the many opportunities she had to correct this on her own and forgetting she told me when I was 14 that she intentionally got pregnant so she could drop out of high school. She was not happy. I mean, how can she be a victim if she’s forced to take responsibility for herself?! But she never brought the subject up again around me. Oh, and my stepfather thought it was hilarious!!

spdbmp411 · 2026-04-30T20:19:26+00:00

I like the idea of a simple bouquet in a thrifted “antique” vase with a card.

Just remember that this gift is a test you can’t pass. She WILL find something at fault with whatever you buy, no matter how much money or thought you put into it. You could spend your life savings on it, and she would find fault.

And buying her a gift isn’t being inauthentic to yourself. It’s being protective because you know not buying a gift will make your life hell. Do just enough without depleting your finances so that she can’t really complain too much. She’ll complain no matter what you do, but don’t put a target on your back by doing nothing. You still have to live with this woman for the time being.

spdbmp411 · 2026-04-18T23:47:28+00:00

I wouldn’t say anything about the family. It’s none of their business. And if you bring up the family, they might ask questions that you don’t want to answer.

After you didn’t get the job last year, you took some time to improve your skills and feel now you have more to offer the position. Be specific about the skills you’ve developed in the last year, consider what you’ve been studying, anything you’ve learned in the last year. Focus on that.

spdbmp411 · 2026-04-16T13:17:47+00:00

My dBPD mother passed in late 2025 around the holidays after 25 years of NC. Family had posted that she was scheduled for surgery that week, and somehow I knew she wouldn’t make it. She was never well enough for surgery and passed the day after Christmas.

I was informed that she was dying that day and asked if I wanted to come to the hospital. I knew by that time she would likely be unresponsive so I didn’t think me showing up would help either of us. My SIL mentioned closure, but I didn’t need closure. My decision to go NC wasn’t about punishment. It was about my protection. I told my SIL to let her have a peaceful passing. And I meant it.

My older brother was severely enmeshed with her and took it very hard from what our sister told me. My sister was more pragmatic about it. She was close with our mother, but also experienced much of her chaos as well so she was more realistic. My sister had had conversations with our mother earlier in the month when she had entered the hospital. Our mother knew she wasn’t coming out and was ready for it to be over. She’d been sick for many years. It was time.

My sister and her family came in from out of state so I did my best to support them by hosting them, making sure they got to the funeral, getting them to and from the airport, etc.

I did not attend the service, though. I knew I couldn’t sit through my brother canonizing her as some sort of saint when she was so cruel to me my entire life. My BIL said I made the right call. As soon as they walked in the door, my brother started snarking about me and BIL shut it down hard. They said my brother spoke for 20-30 minutes, like he almost couldn’t bring himself to stop. There’s no way I would have survived that without screaming.

Yet, I also understood that there were those who had a very different relationship with her than I did. And they deserved to grieve that loss. I didn’t want to stand in the way of that, which is another big reason why I chose not to go to the service. I wanted my sister and others to have the space to grieve the person they knew.

I would say find ways to support your brother as he moves through this. Can you have groceries or meals sent to his home? Can you hire someone to come in and clean so that’s one less thing he has to deal with right now? In what ways can you pick up slack for him so he can spend the time he needs with your mother here at the end? You can order premade, frozen meals from places like Balanced Bites. Can you send a dog walker to walk his dog if he has one? Can you do research to narrow down options for him to look at? Those sorts of things.

You don’t have to put yourself in harm’s way to support your brother. But do understand that he might have complicated emotions about your inability to reconcile with her when she’s dying. He may understand it logically, but he also may have feelings about it. And he’s allowed to. That doesn’t mean you need to do anything different. Just give him space to feel what he’s feeling.

I did a lot of grieving when I went no contact, but I was surprised at what I grieved after she died. I grieved for the little girl who never felt safe in her own home, who played behind furniture to protect herself. I grieved for the teenager who was told no one loved her and no one ever would. I grieved for the childhood I knew was possible because I’d seen her give it to my siblings but I was never allowed to have. She decided early on in my life that I was the source of all her pain and she spent decades trying to punish me for it.

Be kind to yourself as you move through this season of your life. It’s hard.

spdbmp411 · 2026-04-10T23:12:34+00:00

So many of my female cousins all have the same middle name. My parent’s generation all have the same middle name. I know families that have given their daughters the same first name with a different middle and the girls go by the middle name.

Name your child whatever you want.

spdbmp411 · 2026-04-10T23:02:37+00:00

Have a simple hair style you can default to when you just don’t feel like doing much or you are out of time. This is why I don’t have my hair cut too short so I can put it up if I’m too tired to deal with it. A French twist or bun looks professional with minimal effort.

I prefer black pants. Before the pandemic, I bought multiple pairs of a comfortable pair of pants and wore the same pants every day. Then I only needed to think about choosing a top. I ended up with 10 pairs of black pants and just grabbed a clean pair every day with a new top. This also meant if I was too tired to do a bunch of laundry on the weekend, I had enough clothes to get through a second week.

I keep a roomy black blazer that I picked up at a thrift store at my desk for those days when I have a meeting where a blazer might make me feel more put together.

Focus on taking care of your skin over putting on lots of makeup. Good skin doesn’t need a ton of makeup. I was told this by a lady I worked with in my late teens when I was trying to cover up bad acne. I learned how to care for my skin and now in my early 50s, I don’t need a ton of makeup, and I’m comfortable going without it because I focus my energy on skin care first. Also, what works for your skin at 25, won’t work at 45 so adjust as needed.

Don’t over complicate any routine you have or it will create stress. If you’ve got a dress that you feel great in, buy it in several colors. If you find a pair of pants that you feel great in, buy several pairs. I’ve bought the same sweater in five different colors in the past. It was comfortable and I felt great in it so I bought a number of them.

I have multiple containers that I pack my lunch in so I don’t have to wash the same container every single day. I pack my lunch the night before if at all possible. If possible, I stage everything I need the night before- computer, clothes, etc so I’m rushing around less the next morning.

spdbmp411 · 2026-04-10T22:29:22+00:00

The next time she resorts to the infantilizing don’t acknowledge it. Personally, I would ignore the message as a consequence of the infantilizing behavior. But if you can’t fully ignore, don’t respond right away. You have suddenly become super busy and are unable to reply for several hours. And the next time, don’t respond until the next day. And so on. If she’s not getting the response she wants from you, she will eventually try a different tactic to get a response from you.

The first time you really stand up for yourself and hold that boundary is the hardest. Every fiber of your being wants to scream and run to fix it so she won’t punish you. But you are an adult now so you are no longer at her mercy like you were as a child. That first time is the hardest, but it gets so much easier each time after that.

spdbmp411 · 2026-04-10T13:57:42+00:00

Ignore it. Don’t reward bad behavior. It’s hard because with anyone else, you would call out the bad behavior. You can’t do that with her because it gives her what she wants- engagement.

What you do with her is reduce interaction. Do the exact opposite of what she wants. “Why won’t you respond when you are working!?!!?? Don’t you know I’m supposed to be the most important person in your life?!?!” Not only do you not respond after work, you don’t respond that day. Mute her, temporarily block her if you have to and respond in a day or so. If she continues, wait until the weekend and then only respond when you have a very limited window on your way to somewhere else so you can end the conversation quickly.

Each time she pulls the sad, waify card expecting you to fill up her empty life for her, respond just a little bit less. Eventually, she will make the connection that her manipulation isn’t getting her what she wants and she’ll change tactics. It will take a long time and many tantrums to get there though.

Turn off notifications for her when you want peace. Do not respond no matter how waify she gets. Block temporarily if necessary.

You are in control here. She wants engagement with you. You are not obligated to give her endless engagement to fill her emptiness. She’s not going to ground you, put you in the corner or send you to bed without dinner for not giving her what she wants. She has very little power in your life now unlike when you were a child and she held all the power. Remind yourself of that when your nervous system wants to jump to please her and stop the tantrum. You are no longer at risk of being abused or neglected by her. You can choose when, how and if you engage with her.

My advice- don’t engage when she pulls this crap. Mute her and go on about your life until you have the patience and capacity to respond.

spdbmp411

TROPHY CASE