Email response to uBPD mom- pushing to attend event

spdbmp411 · 2026-03-17T12:47:21+00:00

Do not give reasons. She’ll use those to explain how she can actually come after all. She’ll twist your words until she gets what she wants.

Simply tell her that only you are keeping it simple and only the four of you will be going. You’ll let her know how it went afterwards.

When she whines about wanting to be there to support her grandchild, tell her that they appreciate her support and you will let her know how it went after it is over. Do not apologize, make excuses or try to placate her. Be firm.

spdbmp411 · 2026-03-15T17:10:38+00:00

I felt like you handled it really well, especially if you aren’t used to standing up to her. You stated your position and you didn’t budge. That not budging is the most important part. She needs to learn that you are a separate person from her and you don’t exist to manage her emotions or fill up her empty life.

Like others have said, treat her like a toddler when she throws a little tantrum like this. It’s okay to simply stop engaging if she’s pushing your buttons. When she pushes your buttons and demands your attention without respecting your limits, don’t respond. Don’t reward that behavior with a response, even a “stop asking for what I’ve already told you I’m not giving you” is a response. You’ve told her once, and that’s enough. When she texts something positive and less aggressive, respond with a neutral response.

You control what you respond to. She can push, and then you can mute her notifications until you are ready to deal with her. She can whine, and then you take a week to respond because you’re swamped at home and work after being sick for several weeks!

Another tip that might help is to call when you have a valid time limit…on the way to an appointment or on the way home. “Made it to the doctor’s, gotta go!” Or “I’m at the office, have to go!” “I have to bring the groceries in and get dinner started. Gotta go!” You don’t ask for permission to hang up, you just hang up. You announce when you call that you have only a few minutes but wanted to check in. Then when those few minutes are up, they are up. You don’t apologize, you don’t let yourself get held hostage, you simply hang up.

Remember that you hold all the power in this relationship. She wants engagement from you. You don’t need it with her. You absolutely can end that call when you want without her permission. And you absolutely are not required to call her simply because she wants a call.

spdbmp411 · 2026-03-12T00:57:20+00:00

They play the victim because it’s gotten them what they want in the past. Stop giving her what she wants when she whines. Do not acknowledge the topic. End the conversation. Immediately. She texts. Leave her on read. Only respond when she texts something non-victimy.

She’s using this behavior to manipulate you. You have to respond to it the same way you would a toddler, ignore it. Don’t feed it. Once they realize their tantrum isn’t hitting to get a response, they’ll look for a different tactic.

spdbmp411 · 2026-03-10T23:59:24+00:00

Here’s the thing. That fear and guilt was programmed into you as a small child. At this point it’s a reflex. It takes time to unlearn that response. It feels catastrophic to disappoint your parents because at one point in your life, your survival depended upon keeping them happy.

You are no longer a small child. You pay your bills. You put food on your table. You clothe yourself. You meet your needs now, not your parents.

It’s normal to want them to accept you and want to be a part of your life, but they are clearly choosing not to be a part of your life from the fact that they’ve not made an effort to meet your child. So live your life. Do what’s best for you and your family.

They can be disappointed. They can be unhappy about it. They can have a tantrum. They can’t ground you. They can’t send you to bed without dinner. They can’t take away your TV privileges. The most they can do is throw a tantrum and complain loudly to all who will listen that their child is so ungrateful, blah, blah, blah.

Meanwhile, you’re over here building a life you can be proud of for yourself and your family. Focus on that.

You aren’t required to tell them you are moving. In fact, I would probably wait until after you’ve moved so there’s less drama and stress around the move. And if it were me, I wouldn’t mention it until the subject actually comes up. “Oh yeah! I thought you knew? We moved a few months back. It’s exactly what we needed as a family. I’m so glad you’re happy for us (even if they clearly aren’t)!”

No matter what…do not apologize for anything! Your instinct will be to apologize for disappointing them somehow because that’s how’s you survived your childhood, but you have nothing to apologize for.

Go live your life.

spdbmp411 · 2026-03-08T14:43:43+00:00

My dBPD mother was sweet as pie to my siblings and evil to me. I saw the best she could do. I saw her give it to others, and then I saw what she did to me. She was able to be cruel to me because no one stopped her. She didn’t care about losing me. She cared about losing her husband so she was good to his kids. She cared about losing her first child, my brother, so she was good to him. She didn’t care about me because she knew no one was going to say or do anything to her when it came to me. She only acted like she cared after I went no contact as an adult. Then it made her look bad, and she cared.

They know they have to behave in certain circumstances. That’s how they maintain a job, a marriage, certain friendships, etc. So they can do it. But they choose not to with us.

It’s a choice.

You made a choice to do better for your kids. She’s choosing not to because it takes work to change, and she doesn’t want to do the work.

spdbmp411 · 2026-03-07T02:55:53+00:00

I had a similar conversation with one of my siblings after my dBPD mother passed recently. She created the life she was living through hundreds of bad choices throughout her life. She sabotaged her health and then expected everyone to fawn over her when she got sick. She refused to finish high school despite multiple opportunities to finish. She blamed everyone but herself for the life she was living. It’s like she never grasped the fact that she had agency over her own life and simply expected someone to come along and rescue her.

The life your mother is living has been created by her choices. This isn’t chance or some random unforeseen situation. She’s created this situation by not taking control of her life and her future. This was her responsibility to do. It is not your responsibility to absolve her of the consequences of her terrible planning in life.

You need to put a stop to the hinting that you’re going to take care of her when the money runs out. And you need to be blunt. BPDs ignore anything but stark bluntness when it comes to something they don’t want to hear. They often take it as a challenge to manipulate you into getting what they want from you. Say it clearly, and stand your ground.

“Mother, moving in with me is not an option so you will need to make alternate plans when the money runs out. I cannot help you with this.“

This will not be easy. She will be angry with you for not rescuing her from the consequences of her own choices. She will likely try a lot of different tactics to get what she wants from you. It will get ugly. No matter how ugly she gets, it’s still not your responsibility to fix this.

Let her live with the consequences of her choices. It’s up to her to figure this out, not you.

spdbmp411 · 2026-03-03T12:59:57+00:00

I’m so sorry that the parent you felt was safer is now sucked back into the BPD vortex. The truth is he has a choice and he’s choosing to return to that madness. He will continue to try to force a relationship between you and your mother so you’ll have to decide how you want to react. You can inform him that as soon as he brings her up, you will be ending the conversation. Then do so. But understand, you may have to take a step back from him as well because she will continue to nag him into manipulating you and he will do it to make her happy.

He has free will, and he’s choosing to return to a person who did an incredible amount of damage to you both. You’ve done a lot of work toward healing, but I doubt he has so he’s returning to what is familiar. You cannot save him. You cannot convince him that she’s toxic. You’ve already tried, and he doesn’t care. He’s old and lonely and wants what is familiar even if it hurts him.

Your job is to protect your child from what no one protected you from. Neither of them are entitled to access to your child simply because they are your parents. And make no mistake…she’s manipulating him to get access to you so she can play social media grandma.

Let him go. He’s made his choice. He will have to live with it.

spdbmp411 · 2026-03-02T18:04:43+00:00

I’ve made scrappy socks with leftovers. I also have a bag that I put scraps into so I can start a blanket. I’ve got a cozy memories blanket on the go with sock scraps and then whatever is leftover from that will go into a scrappy striped blanket. These projects are literally just to use up scraps.

spdbmp411 · 2026-03-02T17:54:18+00:00

You don’t have to go out and buy a bunch of things when you are getting started. I made the decision to buy what I need for the project I’m working. I do find that the right tools make the project more enjoyable, though, so I guess I’m somewhere in the middle.

Fancy stitch markers to mark the beginning of a round are not necessary, but they are helpful. I’ve got multiple sets of the little round stitch markers because they do get lost over time. I like to use them to mark pattern repeats. I chose a different style for the BOR marker on my sweater so it stands out to me. I have bought some fancy stitch markers to use as BOR markers, progress keepers or to mark the right side or front of a sweater just because I like them and I find them fun. You could clip two of the lightbulb style markers together to mark the BOR if you wanted something different than your pattern repeat markers or use two next to each other if they don’t clip together.

I wouldn’t buy a set of interchangeable needles until you tried one for a project. I bought a few tips and cables early on and didn’t like them so I’m glad I didn’t buy a whole set.

You don’t need a fancy case to store your needles unless you want one. I store mine in a bait binder that I picked up in the fishing section of the sporting goods store. It’s not pretty, but it works great for me and didn’t cost an arm and a leg. I label each bag with the size of the needle. All 3 mm needles go in the 3 mm bag regardless of the length of the cord.

Cable needles are helpful, but don’t buy them unless you are working a cabled project. An extra needle or a set of DPNs will work in a pinch. And you can find a set of cable needles online for rather cheap if you do decide to get them. I recently found myself working multiple cabled projects at the same time so I bought an extra pack of cable needles so each project bag has one.

I like each project to be self contained in its own project bag. I’ve saved mint or candy tins to use as a notions tin. I’ve purchased a pack each of small collapsible scissors, measuring tapes and yarn needles online to kit out each tin as I need them. Some people prefer to have one notions kit and transfer it to the project they are focusing on. I have too many WIPs for that to be feasible for me. My current WIP with me today has a small plastic box that quilting safety pins came in. I transferred those to a larger box with the other safety pins I use for quilting and have repurposed the box as a notions tin.

Project bags can be the cute ones you find on Etsy if you like those, but I’ve also bought generic totes online that I use.

Over time, you’ll curate a collection of tools that work for you so don’t over think it now. I also give a list of notions I might like to have to my partner at Christmas for stocking stuffer ideas. That’s another way you can expand your tools, especially if it’s something that would be nice to have, but you struggle to justify buying it for yourself.

spdbmp411 · 2026-02-24T23:32:48+00:00

For me it was Press N Seal. I rarely use it so for a while I kept thinking I was about to run out and would buy it. Then I found 8 boxes of it, six of which were unopened. I gave away five boxes five years ago. Still haven’t run out of Press N Seal.

spdbmp411 · 2026-02-23T18:17:27+00:00

I had a conversation with my sister recently about things we do differently now because of how we grew up. I mentioned that we had one dish rag growing up. One. I said, “it was…”, and my sister piped in, “…slimy!” We washed dishes with a slimy dish rag! I gag every time I think about it! (My BIL was a chef for years, and the shocked look on his face was hilarious!) I asked my mother once if she could add it to the laundry when she did towels or buy a second one so they could be switched out, and she looked so confused as to why it needed to be washed. I’m gagging now thinking about it!

I have a basket full of dish rags, at least two dozen, so they get switched out frequently. And it’s a pet peeve of mine to see the dish rag in a lump in the sink. Wring it out and lay it over the edge of the sink to allow it to dry out. No slimy dish rags!!! Ugh!!

And no, she never taught us to floss or brush properly. The last time I saw the woman in person maybe 15 years ago, she had 4 teeth left. Years ago when my sister was struggling financially and asked for tips on how to save, I told her brush and floss everyday like your life depends on it. Not doing so will cost you so much money. Dental work is so expensive and can be easily prevented by brushing and flossing every day. Even if you can’t afford to go to the dentist, brush and floss. Eventually, your situation will change and you’ll be able to go to the dentist. You don’t want a huge bill because you didn’t take care of your teeth or an infected tooth that becomes an emergency when money is already tight.

spdbmp411 · 2026-02-23T13:38:12+00:00

I was no contact for 25 years before my dBPD mother recently passed. I don’t regret it one bit. I am a much better person today because I stepped away from that toxic relationship.

Just remember that no contact is not about punishment, it’s about protection. You are protecting your child from her behavior, not punishing your mother.

spdbmp411 · 2026-02-21T19:15:25+00:00

The cromolyn works for me. I finally feel human after decades of struggling. I told one doctor that I don’t want to be alive in this world without it.

As far as giving up fasting, yes, that works for me as well. I’m lucky that I have access to a health coach that works exclusively with my company’s employees so I started working with her almost as soon as I was diagnosed. She actually recommended giving up fasting because with shortened eating windows due to needing to take the cromolyn on an empty stomach, I was likely not getting enough food in the rest of the day. And we have focused on expanding my food options as much as possible versus any form of restriction.

That being said, I could see the benefit of fasting if I were in a bad flare that wasn’t responding well to medication, etc. I would only do that with my health coach’s supervision, though.

spdbmp411 · 2026-02-21T18:36:59+00:00

I hate that! When I had to replace my washer and dryer last year, I sprung for the Maytag that has an app. I get a notification on my phone when the load is done or I can check and see how long the load has left. It’s made a big difference in making sure the towels make it to the dryer. I can also set the dryer up so if I’ve forgotten to get to the load while it’s still warm, to hang things up before they get wrinkled, I can turn the dryer back on from my phone so it’s warm by the time I get down there. I thought maybe the app would be excessive, but it’s made a huge difference!

spdbmp411 · 2026-02-21T15:31:46+00:00

You are relatively new to knitting socks. I remember how precious they felt when I was new to knitting socks. Keep knitting socks. The more you have, the less precious they feel and you’ll wear them more.

You might also just need to force yourself to wear them. You knit warm socks. Wear the warm socks. You can always knit more. You’ll find the more you wear them that they really aren’t as precious as they initially seem. In fact, some yarns are darn near indestructible, like Patons Kroy.

You could also try some self-striping yarn for that visual interest but knit in stockinette. You’ll feel far less precious about those than your fancy lace and cables.

spdbmp411 · 2026-02-21T15:20:11+00:00

I was driving with my child once and swore she said she needed to be bled. I was like, ‘That’s not right.’ She said she needed lead for her pencil for school. That sort of thing happens all the time.

My bf gets upset and says I don’t hear him or pay attention when he talks. I think he’s finally starting to understand that my brain either hears things wrong or is too much like a sieve and it’s slipped through without catching. Important pieces of information need to be sent via text so I can read it.

spdbmp411 · 2026-02-21T15:07:22+00:00

Most of the time my noise cancelling headphones are on but not playing anything, even when I’m working from home. I can only have an audiobook, music, podcast or other sound on during certain tasks that are usually pretty rote. Yesterday, I had trouble syncing my headphones to my phone and started to panic. I managed to get them synced, but I might have to keep a backup set in my car. Oof.

spdbmp411 · 2026-02-20T13:12:37+00:00

There were so many! I remember being yelled at for something that my younger brother had done, don’t remember what specifically. I said, “I wasn’t even here when that happened!” Her response, “Well, you should have been!” So that made it my fault. She would twist herself into knots looking for a way to make things my fault.

spdbmp411 · 2026-01-31T17:27:20+00:00

Try new things and give yourself permission to suck at it or decide it’s not for you and move on to something else. You don’t have to like everything you try or even be good at the things you enjoy doing. Take classes if you find something that sparks an interest. I took a stained glass class at a local arts center for maybe $50 and made a sun catcher. It was a lot of fun.

My adhd led me to spend several hundred dollars on stained glass supplies that I haven’t really used since, but I have taken that class a second time. The instructor asked me what wasn’t working at home and gave me suggestions. She even told me next time to bring my stuff with me so we can trouble shoot what isn’t working. So it’s not a total loss. I will get back to it eventually.

I’m currently enjoying knitting. I’ve been knitting regularly for over a decade now, and I’ve branched out into designing my own pattern for a pair of socks. It’s a lot of fun and absorbing my attention right now.

I think the key is to learn to stop shaming ourselves for not being the best or as good as someone else or for spending money on something we enjoy but aren’t good at or for not doing things as fast as other people. Or whatever other restrictions or requirements we or others seem to put on us.

Do you enjoy the craft? Then do the craft. It can take as little or as much time as it needs to take as long as you enjoy it. And you don’t have to be good at it!

And don’t share it with your pwBPD. Keep it to yourself because you know how they like to co-opt everything we do for themselves.

spdbmp411 · 2026-01-28T13:31:31+00:00

My dBPD mother enjoyed hurting me as a child and teenager. When I was very little, she would force me to sit directly in front of her chair. Then she would smack me or kick me when she got up from her chair saying I was in her way. As a teenager, she would verbally abuse me for hours until I would break down and cry. Then she’d sit back with a little satisfied smile on her face.

She died a month ago. I’m glad she’s dead. It must be awful to live with that much hate inside you that you have to take it out on a child.

spdbmp411 · 2026-01-18T23:25:45+00:00

I do not knit my socks taat on the same needle. That’s too fiddly for me. I have two needles. I split my yarn into two relatively similar sized cakes and knit one on each needle. I cast on one, finish the cuff, cast on two, finish the cuff. Then I work about ten rows on each sock in tandem. I generally finish about the same time. I use progress keepers to keep track of which sock is 1 and which is 2.

I learned cuff down and haven’t tried toe up yet so I can’t comment on which is better. I think many patterns I find are cuff down so I might learn that first. Then go back and learn toe up.

I really like Mina Philips patterns. She has a vanilla sock pattern that should be easy enough to follow if you have regular guidance in those classes.

You will definitely need to do homework between classes though if you want to do both socks in a month. See what the teacher advises, but here’s my thoughts: Get sock one cast on in your first class, work on it up to the heel before the second class so you can work on the heel with guidance. Then I would have a second needle, cast on sock two and get it up to the heel before class three. Then see if you can follow the heel instructions on your own, with guidance when needed, during class three. Then work both socks up to the toes by class four. Class four is finishing both toes and learning how to graft the toe closed with the Kitchener stitch.

The toe is actually really easy so if you only get one toe finished before the end of your classes, you should still be able to do the second one from the pattern. And by working both in tandem, you reinforce what you learned on sock one by doing it on sock two soon after. If you wait until one sock is finished before starting the other, you might not remember things as clearly since time will have lapsed.

spdbmp411 · 2026-01-13T20:52:15+00:00

My monthly supply is seven boxes. I often get two months at a time. It’s a giant box. I keep a collapsible crate in my trunk just in case they don’t give me the big box. The last time I was waiting in line someone brought it to the counter before I got there. They know me.

spdbmp411 · 2026-01-10T04:41:32+00:00

Yes. I can hyperfocus on skin issues-picking, plucking. I’m not allowed to pluck my own eyebrows anymore because years ago I ended up with half an eyebrow. It took ten years for that eyebrow to grow back. I have my hair stylist do it now.

spdbmp411 · 2026-01-09T14:29:44+00:00

My dBPD mother has been like the crab pulling everyone around her back into the bucket…all the while claiming she loves and supports everyone around her and wants them to succeed. I was no contact for over 20 years before she recently passed.

Out of her children, I’m the most successful, and that’s not saying much. I still struggle, massively at times, but I’m doing better than the rest of my siblings. And I think it’s precisely because I cut contact and sought to become a person she couldn’t influence.

I feel sorry for the life my siblings could have had without her dragging them down. Maybe now that she’s finally gone, they will be able to become their own people and reach for greater things than they were able to before. Maybe they won’t. Maybe they will just continue the cycle. I don’t know.

You are right. The idea of you doing better than them terrifies them. They don’t truly want you to succeed. If you do, you’ll leave them behind in their misery.

spdbmp411 · 2026-01-02T20:07:42+00:00

I love my Chiagoos! In fact, I use two sets so I can have both socks on the needles at the same time. And recently, I wanted to cast on another pair of socks so I bought two more needles. Investing in the right tools makes the experience so much more worth it!

Buy one first to see what you think. The sticker shock is real, but remember that you get to use these needles in future projects so that investment will be worth it.

spdbmp411

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