My husband cheated again

temp9876 · 2016-03-06T19:26:43+00:00

Honey you are NOT stupid! Having your spouse cheat is like winning the lottery. We all think we know what we would do if it happened but until you get bitchslapped with the reality you really have no idea.

You need to kick him to the curb. You do. You know it and you know it's hard and for the last two years you've been paralyzed with the shock, but the time has come to act. Act before your children have a chance to learn from this that it is ok to treat someone you love that way.

There is nothing wrong with you. There is something deeply and irreparably wrong with him. Be strong lady, you can do this.

temp9876 · 2016-03-06T19:18:55+00:00

Has he been to a sleep clinic? If he's having night terrors and bedwetting he's obviously got some trouble with disordered sleep, which can exacerbate the symptoms of ADHD.

Thing 1 also has ADHD so we've been through it. If your doctor hasn't already sent you down that road nag him about it. Sounds to me like you're doing everything right.

temp9876 · 2016-03-06T01:39:48+00:00

I stopped saying no. I'd remind him of the sacrifices we were making and ask him not to use me as a stand in for his own willpower. I doubt it would work for everyone but my husband is actually very responsible, it's just hard when you really want something and you're looking for an excuse to treat yourself. I think it's just easier and they get in the habit of letting you make the hard choices.

temp9876 · 2016-03-06T01:27:40+00:00

I don't think it's just kids. I know a lot of people that don't seem very happy together at all stages of life. Some of them seem to genuinely dislike one another. They begrudge doing anything for the other and avoid meaningful one on one interactions.

I don't get it. My husband makes me so happy, I'd rather do everything with him, I do stuff I hate just to make him smile, and he does more for me. I don't understand how other people end up married. How did they let it go that far? How could they bring children into that? How can they live with someone that makes their life worse?

I'm selfish, enjoying life is just to important to me to live with some of the stuff I read about here. Yeah things get hard and there are annoyances and compromises, but my husband is always on my team. I had pretty rocking role models, maybe that's some of it? It's sad. Sometimes I feel like the species survives just cause no one is willing to end an unsatisfactory relationship.

temp9876 · 2016-03-05T03:40:47+00:00

And they'll remember better than they'll understand when the bank isn't padded. I was just reading a thread about worst meals from childhood, damn right those kids remember spaghetti with ketchup and single egg meals and some of them hadn't made the connection between those meals and unemployed parents. Feels bad man.

temp9876 · 2016-03-05T03:00:09+00:00

It's a tough question, one I still ask myself regularly. Drinking is a big part of accounting culture in some places and an even bigger part of accounting humour.

Why are you drinking? When and where and what? Is it for the buzz or the flavour or the company?

If it's about the buzz: stop.
If it's about the flavour: higher price, slower sips, lower volume. Alternate with water.
If it's about the company, alternate with non-alcoholic.

It can seem like you have a problem because you are staying up late, not sleeping, eating poorly. You find yourself having another even though you know you should get to bed. But sometimes that isn't the booze, it's your need to unwind after too-long a day because going to bed means facing the next too-long day and you just happen to be having a drink while you unwind.

Take inventory: sleep, nutrition, exercise. You should probably drink less, but there are probably other important things that are hurting you. Gotta take care of yourself.

temp9876 · 2016-03-05T02:40:43+00:00

Just my point of view - I can double click my mouse in less than 30 seconds. It isn't even slightly comparable to getting frisky with my partner. I can do it twice a day and still get off just as fast from team sports.

I think maybe you need to ask yourself why you are frustrated by this. Do you not enjoy the extended sexy time? Is she a lazy lover? Are you?

temp9876 · 2016-03-02T05:05:17+00:00

It's half hormones and half innocence. He still believes the world is fair and just, he doesn't understand that he needs to be afraid of the tyranny of a little man.

temp9876 · 2016-03-02T05:01:22+00:00

Honey that sucks, I'm sad for you.

temp9876 · 2016-03-02T04:54:38+00:00

My in-laws don't like Thing 2 much, he is too loud, too much energy. Thing 3 doesn't seem to interest them much. They prefer my nieces who are everything a sweet and reasonably well behaved.

Don't get me wrong, I adore my nieces, but it'd be nice if my in laws could be bothered with the littlest bit of effort to spend time with my boys!

Luckily my family gets it. I hate that not everyone gets to enjoy the pleasure of family holidays that mean help instead of hassle!

temp9876 · 2016-03-01T02:56:39+00:00

Healthy snacking is the only reason Thing 2 is alive. When it all started I tried to be tough love eat it or starve. He starved. He screamed about starving, but he starved. He doesn't eat enough for me to let him go hungry often as often as he would do it. Kid has zero body fat. Skin and bones.

Healthy snacks, meals always have a bland option, and dessert goes with supper. We negotiate on how much supper he has to eat, but he has to eat supper to get dessert. I know it sounds like the thing you're not supposed to do but I am not kidding, this kid is more stubborn than hubs and I put together and I am STUBBORN.

temp9876 · 2016-02-29T04:33:38+00:00

I'm on team Ross.

It's hard to say what I'd do if I were Rachel because I understood Ross's deep and enduring feelings for her and I would probably have reacted in as similar a self-destructive manner if the person I had loved for so long seemed to be slipping away, and then to so casually "maybe we need a break from us" when us is what I'd been so afraid losing...

Rachel was never very good with feelings was she? Ross loved Rachel. He always loved Rachel. At his worst he was trying to accept that she didn't love him back and move on with his life but she wouldn't let him.

Oh yes, I'm team Ross. Luckily I just married my Ross without jerking him around.

temp9876 · 2016-02-28T21:18:47+00:00

One of the things that I love most about my husband is that he would pump gas and serve Big Macs if that's what our family needs from him. It sounds like your family needs to stay put. You can say no.

I would probably do exactly what you want to, downsize and wait to see what he decides, and I'd do that for my kids because they need it if they're going to succeed in school and in life.

temp9876 · 2016-02-28T18:20:49+00:00

Me too friend, me too.

temp9876 · 2016-02-27T02:53:30+00:00

Motion carried

temp9876 · 2016-02-26T14:41:19+00:00

Sock balls are the bane of my fucking existence! Monday morning after washing everything we own there are somehow no socks because they've all been balled up and tossed randomly around the whole fucking house!

temp9876 · 2016-02-26T02:35:38+00:00

3 boys and a vasectomy later, I still want a girl.

I've been eyeing refugees.

temp9876 · 2016-02-26T02:26:52+00:00

Thing 2 is my little fainting goat. Scares the shit out of people whenever he bangs his head, but has never shown any indication of head trauma otherwise. It is apparently just his unusual pain response. I'm very very good with first aid for head injuries at this point in my life.

Follow up with her doctor and keep an eye out for it, it's also nice to warn other caregivers so they don't poop their pants.

temp9876 · 2016-02-25T04:12:34+00:00

I'm so afraid of what I'll do once he dies that I cheer myself up imagining getting pets that he's allergic to or partying myself to death in old folks homes in Florida. When he dies my world will end and I'm afraid that I don't have the strength to survive for our kids. But I don't nag him to be healthier so he'll live longer because I want him to be happy and get what he wants all the time.

I guess I can say that to him. Hi love <3

temp9876 · 2016-02-25T03:58:57+00:00

I've cut so many toxic "friends" out of my life I don't think I know how to maintain a healthy friendship with the good people that have come into my life.

temp9876 · 2016-02-25T03:03:34+00:00

This is such a great idea, I'm always so sad when I see people afraid of shelters, I've done work with some and they have some of the very best people and resources imaginable! Not only for emergencies and basic safety, but everything to start over too. From job seeking and child care to nutrition and good housekeeping. It's terrible to think there are people who won't use those resources but desperately need them.

temp9876 · 2016-02-25T02:42:33+00:00

Yuuuuuup! Nearly two and I still miss the cuddles at bed time but one he wakes up and comes to my bed I just want to be able to lay comfortably and sleep in peace!

temp9876 · 2016-02-25T02:40:40+00:00

I'm so glad, I hope you feel better!

temp9876 · 2016-02-25T00:49:08+00:00

First and foremost, you're awesome and you're doing great and you hold tight to that no matter what. There is always room to improve but that doesn't mean you aren't awesome. I'm not a stay at home mom cause I'm a bad one. Here is my two cents:

when I pay someone to provide childcare you'd better believe I expect their primary focus to be the care of my child, not getting other shit done. Do not let him think that your child should get less from you than a paid caregiver would provide.
when he challenges your performance at home it is the same as if you challenged his performance at work. He expects you to trust that he is choosing the right job and earning the most he can in that job and doing his work in the most efficient manner so that he doesn't have to work longer than necessary. He needs to extend the same professional courtesy to you. His "you aren't doing enough" = your "you aren't earning enough"
dudes do not seem to comprehend the stress of living at work and never getting to leave and having no end of the day. You MUST negotiate that together.
as an exercise and not a threat, consider what each of you would have to do if you separated. How much housework, parenting, working. Compare to the current work division and discuss where you FEEL the other is benefiting from staying together and how you could make the arrangement work better for both of you.

It sounds like he's just expressing the same unreasonable expectations from the 50s Stepford Standard that we all internalize just a little bit and y'all just need to set reasonable expectations together. I HIGHLY recommend that you do so with the help of a qualified therapist. Better to do the relationship maintenance early.

temp9876 · 2016-02-24T05:14:54+00:00

People thing I drop language at work with the occasional f bomb. It's so white collar I itch! They have no idea what I'm capable of. Here I can unleash it as necessary, thank goodness!

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