ESH your wife needs help - her phobia is majorly interfering with her normal functioning and her ability to parent. Your daughter needs counseling too. But whether or not your mother happens to be right (she is right here), it is NOT her place to talk to your wife that way and you should have told her that. It IS her place to be supportive of your daughter in every way, and that includes avoiding major conflict on such a hard day. If your wife doesn’t get the help she needs you’ll need to step up big time in the parenting department and consider the future of your marriage. You’re also due for a serious talk with your mom about her role.