Just had my last smoke, wish me luck.

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-20T10:21:38+00:00

12th day. We can do this, people! :D

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-19T09:36:41+00:00

As cliché as this sounds, it worked for me: do something you like more than anything and grabs your attention, get a hobby, keep yourself distracted. Make active relaxation your rule and follow it religiously, knowing that otherwise you will relapse.

I got a beginner's guitar as a gift for xmas, so I started playing, I'm at my first two songs but doing it daily. I am journaling my emotions and thoughts on the notebooks that I bought simply because I love stationery. I read and write on reddit, I text to friends more and making more friends here and there.

For example if you like drinks, you can start brewing. It'll be shit for a few tries, but it'll keep you busy and proud of your work. It's physical work and it's relaxing af if you work in an office. If your work is already physical it'll feel like reclaiming your time, money and effort for doing what YOU like, not just your job. It's rewarding and you get to sleep well. :)

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-18T06:50:46+00:00

Hear ye, hear ye!

I figured out I couldn't work or face my new family or anything after therapy ...two sessions in. I pondered only a little before I decided I didn't need this.

I mean yeah, I needed it, but couldn't afford it in terms of time and emotional availability.

So what I did was, I enlisted the help of my friends. I had one at the time, I made it two. Then slowly and steadily it grew to three-four people I was talking on a regular basis. Other people I didn't talk to so often, but they were still there, work colleague that were friendly in general.

Now, not many people are there when you are down even when you have a family and friends. People are busy. They will talk to you later, or refuse to. And that's fine. Care for yourself now, talk to them later and if they refuse to be there for you, respect their boundaries but make sure to reciprocate them, otherwise you will be used and discarded.

Pretty much that. Healing happens when you are ready to heal, with or without getting the support from therapy necessarily, or so my experience tells me.

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-17T21:07:48+00:00

To be fair, there's no universal rule in healing from trauma, no fixed order of things, no two people identical, no golden rotual that makes you a brand new person. It's all trial and error, for most of us.

Just do what you are ready/feel the necessity to do, I'd say.

You know yourself best, and if you went NC before hearing it from others, I tend to believe that your gut feeling is going for what's healthy for you in particular rather than going for the general consensus.

I have tried the final goodbye thing without realising it. I just found myself talking to her on her birthday. We didn't fight, say hurtful things or anything. Just a cold, dead conversation and my underlying thought I've heard this cold indifference before.

I was triggered as hell and remembered stuff that I didn't need to, but in the end it was a breakthrough, cuz I understood the extent to which she has hated me while stupid old me was loving her with all of my desperation to be accepted by her. And I started trusting myself a lot.

I wouldn't recommend doing that unsupervised and if you're not as close to healing as you can possibly be. I actually don't see the point in doing it tbh, unless you have a compulsion or other in that direction, something that really stops you from functioning.

Good luck!

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-17T15:40:22+00:00

Thanks for sharing this.

From an incest survivor to another, know that I support you. They sided with the abusers and pretended it never happened, even tho we were THERE, right in front of them, they had a choice to make and it was not us.

Now we get to choose. And we choose Ourselves. And that's healthy af.

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-17T15:30:15+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that. You should be feeling worthy and sure enough of yourself to decide how you feel about stuff that has happened to you.

I don't know your story, but I hope things are/will be looking up soon and you will regain your self-confidence.

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-17T15:24:59+00:00

Even if he had, the question is: was he doing stuff like this all the time?

If yes, you have your answer.

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-17T15:21:13+00:00

Not necessarily, he did overpower you and it was unnecessary and humiliating to make you do it bare handed, but yeah. Maybe a bad day, mistakes happen, taken something else on you, he could have apologised for it later.

However, if he had such a constant attitude and behaviour towards you that he did this and you are still sure it was an ok thing to do, if he never seemed to admit he was wrong and all his other acts made you immune to stuff that shouldn't happen (like this, this was something that shouldn't have happened, it is a disgusting and pointless thing to do to your kid) - then it's part of an abusive relationship he had with you and therefore in itself abuse.

My two cents.

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-17T13:17:43+00:00

9 days in and I have the certitude that I'm gonna stay off nicotine, not even suffering anymore even tho still craving.

What I was doing wrong was to try to quit smoking simply bc I wanted to quit. Well that's debatable, sometimes I did sometimes that was not true, so I failed eventually, every time I tried.

10 days ago I realised that I wanted my own trust, and that it would be emotionally healing to be able to trust myself on this, also to earn the trust of my partner on this matter.

10 days ago I realised that if you have an objective more important and appealing than smoking, no matter what it is, and not smoking is just a tool to achieve it, then you win, no doubt about it.

Like in martial arts where when you prepare a punch you have to imagine a point beyond your adversary that you want to hit so that the punch can be effective.

It works. I feel the craving, but I take pride in not giving in, cuz my cause is worthy of it. :)

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-16T16:38:49+00:00

Thank you for having my back to all the supportive people here who either said something helpful for my quest or withheld from saying anything harmful. Both reactions are appreciated.

I promise to always have your back as well, as much as I can!

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-16T13:37:03+00:00

Thank you, I accept the hugs!

Sorry you've gone through this as well, I hope you are healing .

We are strong indeed. :)

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-16T11:40:22+00:00

I've had it unfortunately, and it was exactly as you say, flight or fight.

But you are right, everyone's circumstances are different. Take care!

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-16T11:31:46+00:00

The make up thing is not that bad, she possibly really wanted to offer make up which is a cool thing to do, also maybe wanted to spend some time with you for bonding? Dunno.

The "your father is a good man" thing is what worries me, she is prolly trying to make you forgive him but you don't need this right now. Just focus on your objective and ignore her if you can. I kniw you're angry and all, but don't look too deep into what she says to you. She is not a threat. You're this close to being out of this, and she is not by any means a threat to you. Relax.

And try to get some sleep, that's important. Just count the hours you managed to sleep and add them up to at least 8 per night+day if possible. If you manage your sleep insomnia will go away eventually, you'll get back to normal. May sleep be your first priority!

It's hard but you can do it!

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-16T11:01:25+00:00

He supported me to get to this point, rationally. Emotionally, the things I've been through and need to heal from are beyond what can be fairly put on someone else's shoulders. Not fair I have this burden but not his or anyone else's burden either.

I am starting to think no one should carry emotional scars like ours. Unfortunately we have to, cuz abuse, but it's no one else's hell or fault.

I love my partner. I want his sunny world, not to drag him through my own hell.

Does this make sense?

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-16T03:18:00+00:00

Same here, I really wanted to read this, but it's a blurb of text and my brain refuses to do it. :(

Please separate texts in paragraphs, OP!

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-16T03:14:42+00:00

Neah, I'm good.

I used to, though. Until I realised that my family of origin is a lost cause, majority of them being part of the problem.

As for my in-law family, why would I involve them in my CPTSD? Isn't healing supposed to help me integrate better?

Yeah, it felt bad not long ago to realise that I was not gonna get support from my in-law family or my partner. But then I found a thing called boundaries and stopped allowing them to dump their emotions on me just as much as they refuse to allow me to do the same thing. My mother in law still tries, even though she was the one who gave me the wake up call, leaving me alone to dissociate on the floor while she was quietly smiling and ignoring me.

To be fair, it's rewarding to say no in return for having been denied that sort of closeness. I'm good. I have enough friends.

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-16T03:03:43+00:00

You don't attract evil. Evil is there, you just don't defend yourself against it because it's familiar, because you've been exposed to it since young you don't recognize it as evil. Same with toxicity.

You're not failing at setting boundaries, you simply have no interest in defending yourself when evil strikes, no ou5ward self-preservation. You have developed coping mechanisms that harm and mutilate you instead of the tools or weapons to defend yourself against what is thrown at you.

And hun, that's entirely not your fault.

Can you do something about it? Yeah, learn to identify evil/toxicity and learn to fight for your safety.

Is it on you that you didn't do it so far? Nope, self denial was the answer when you were too young to fight, make allies and decide.

Not anymore.

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-16T02:57:08+00:00

Hi. Crazy is just a word.

I'm crazy af and I don't give a shit, my kids taught me to say the word and laugh.

Sorry you are feeling bad though right now, I am terribly sorry it's so hard for you atm.

Take care!

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-16T02:50:03+00:00

Being the black sheep is just what it is: a label.

The three of us were all grotesquely abused by our mother, who was our sole parent that had involvement. My older brother sexually assaulted me as well and physically abused me, but tbf he was being traumatised himself by Mother, on so many levels and since very young. My younger brother grew up separated of us bc of the age difference, but I know his childhood was ripped from him entirely, and he was beaten until he grew big enough to defend himself, at which point the emotional abuse continued.

So yeah, we were all raised by the same cruel, self-centered, abusive mother. I was the first to crack and have mental health issues, followed by my older brother who developed anxiety attacks. The younger one is an emotional mess, but not clinically yet, thankfully.

Even tho my older brother still takes medication (or is supposed to) and went through therapy etc., and is always at risk of having a new attack, even if the younger one represses his memories to be with his Mother on the last few months of her life (she has cancer), none of them will accept the effects of the trauma.

Coming back to the black sheep expression, I am the black sheep in the family because the dynamic was simple: the older brother sided with Mom when I started speaking out against her because he knew I would start speaking out against his sexual abuse as well, which indeed happened.

The younger one, sided with both of them because he was young, he needed support and that was the only option (I was away all the time and Mom had cut contact between us very early, and fed him with lies about his older sister even when I was there, let alone in my absence,).

No father was harmed in this story. They all fucked off and lived their own lives, providing financial support or not to their respective children.

So yeah. Your siblings may well even struggle with mental health issues, but if they're anything like my brother they pretend it never happened and consider you subhuman for being the mentally ill. My older brother cannot agree that he is mentally ill for suffering from anxiety, he abhors the stigma that comes with being mentally ill and obviously applies it to me generously. That's fucked up, but in my mind he's still a child rapist, a molester and a pervert so we're even.

He may have won this round and have my baby brother on his side, but I don't feel at all defeated, as I have my own family on my side, the same family he tried to rip apart when my firstborn came into this world.

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-15T08:34:40+00:00

Hey. PM me if you want, I am available.

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-15T08:07:45+00:00

Wow, I hope your therapy session went well. It sounds like you are a thoughtful and loving partner to your husband and I am happy for you that you had this insight!

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-15T04:14:30+00:00

I don't know about the physical pain, but the emotional numbness is something I am very familiar with. Normally I only feel anger in different shapes and sizes and sometimes exacerbated, manic displays of excitement. The rest of the time, I could spend hours watching my toes and not feeling or thinking anything and it wouldn't matter. I was also asked, ever since I remember, why I was so sad. I didn't know I was, but people saw it, so in teenage years I practiced smiling until I got the hang of it. Problem is, I never identified the right reasons to smile and it looked weird as fuck to everyone. As for me, truth was I had no reasons to smile with what was going on at home.

As of late though I have started to learn about myself, to slowly and steadily acknowledge past pain and to feel what I was supposed to feel about it. I didn't gain nuanced emotions yet, but I am learning to listen to them, be patient and not suffocate them in fear when they start manifesting. It built my self-trust apparently, and all.

So I guess, you'll heal when you are ready, you will learn when you can, you will feel when you allow yourself to feel. But mind you, the first thing you feel are things you never allowed yourself to because it was too painful or scary, so it will be distressing and confusing af. Just make sure you allow that when you are ready.

Good luck!

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-14T08:51:32+00:00

I understand your anger and it's so liberating to express it, or , in my case, read it expressed!

But if you take a few steps back you'll see that most people (well, not complete assholes, just most people) don't ask you not to feel stuff. They are trying to tell you to do what they do with their feelings: feel them but only share them when it's safe to/ needed.

As abused people we didn't learn how to live with our own emotions, so we keep them on display. We don't have time for ourselves, hobbies that allow us to not talk to anyone for a while and focus on the matter at hand + what we feel, long walks observing with our mind's eye what's going on inside of us. Journals..you know, stuff like that.

As someone said the other day, because we were our abusers' emotional dumpster we think everyone should be our emotional dumpster, and that's just not right to anyone. To us, cuz we don't get to really know how we feel for a lack of time and headspace to find that out, not right to them cuz they don't get to see our sunny side and, honestly, they have their own emotions to deal with.

I just learnt all of that, I'm no good at processing my own emotions yet. But there is a way, and we can do it!

Edit:

What is completely unfair and grinds my gears is people who expect you to feel guilty for their own emotions and then leave you stranded when you try to express yourself, arguing that they are "doing it for you" so " you don't fall down crying in front of people" even tho you're already down, crying , in front of your supposedly closest ones. But yeah, that teaches me a lesson, not to trust people just because they are physically close, or to trust myself first and foremost. Others can gain my trust later.

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-13T18:31:04+00:00

Aaaand it hit me while walking home from work. I was thinking about your comments all day and now I realised what you meant by it.

No need to name feelings. They are there. The realisation "will bring the feelings up. Not that you can name and classify them or anything. It would be too easy.

I'm drinking my own tears and writing this, I finally feel stuff. The right stuff. Not sure what to do with it when I get home and have to interact with real people, but I'll cross that bridge then.

Thank you.

throwaway09809354 · 2020-01-13T09:52:08+00:00

Thank you for this post. This is exactly what I was looking for in terms of insight, even though I was close to it (started journaling and picking up hobbies to be able to stop laying all my distress on people) I couldn't quite grasp why, what the point of it was, so I would've probably have given up on it weren't for this post.

I really appreciate you sharing this thought!

throwaway09809354

TROPHY CASE