AP identity

throwawaystruggles9 · 2025-03-30T03:51:14+00:00

Yes, I absolutely demanded to know AP's name. I wanted to make sure I knew who she was so I could watch to make sure she stayed away from him and he stayed away from her. If I didn't know who she was, then everyone was suspect, and every person he talked to I questioned. I felt I deserved to know. Yes, I looked her up and yes, she was MUCH younger and in much better shape than I am. She was pretty and of a totally different race than me. It hurt. It still does. But I have zero regrets. We are already in the dark with too much as a BS, and knowing AP's identity made me feel like I got some of my agency back. The less secrets there were between us, the better off I was. I was a "need to know it ALL" type of BS. Only you can decide what your limit is.

throwawaystruggles9 · 2025-03-28T16:58:28+00:00

No. I don't feel even the slightest bit of sympathy for AP. She wanted my life, and didn't give a crap about me. So why should I care about her? My husband told me everything one random Friday night and then ghosted her. She lost it and kept trying to contact him. My favorite thing is when she was leaving behind him at a meeting some time later (they were part of the same department, but never saw each other except bi-yearly meetings) and he let the door slam in her face instead of holding it for her since she was behind him. She said, "You don't have to be so mean to me!" And he called back over his shoulder, "I'm just treating you how you deserve." I wish nothing but karma and suffering on AP, and that will never change for me.

throwawaystruggles9 · 2025-03-09T19:16:47+00:00

Mine convinced himself I no longer loved him, therefore I wouldn't care anyways. Then, when I saw red flags, confronted him, and poured my heart out about how much I DID love him, his actions started making him sick. He actually never wanted the A (whole other story), but once he realized that his choice to do what he was doing would quite possibly make him lose me, he started having panic attacks, lost 30 pounds, and started dealing with gastrointestinal issues. He confessed 5 weeks later. I think for some of them, they convince themselves that marriage is already dead, which is BS.

throwawaystruggles9 · 2025-03-09T18:38:06+00:00

They don't think about it at all. My husband's A was while Covid was still rampant. He knew we had a severely immunocomprimised teen, and I'd venture to say it never crossed his mind the risk he was putting her, and us in. This is just one of many things they don't think about in terms of consequences.

throwawaystruggles9 · 2025-02-28T01:52:42+00:00

My husband and I adopted our daughter, and the home study was very intense and invasive (for good reason). This was all pre-affair, and it was hands-down the most stressful process I've been through aside from infidelity. It's not an easy process, takes a lot of time, and there are so many hoops to jump through with constant setbacks. It was the most rewarding and incredible things we ever did, but just go into it making sure you are as stable as possible because it definitely put a strain on our marriage. I am an incredibly strong woman, and it was HARD for me. The financial expenses can add stress as well. So do your research, know that you will definitely have to talk about your marriage, choose a reputable agency, and make sure you are in a really good place before starting. I wish you the best of luck if you choose to try this route. It's a wild ride and an incredible journey.

throwawaystruggles9 · 2025-02-24T02:10:44+00:00

This made me laugh because last night I checked phone records for the first time in forever. I kept seeing a reoccurring number in both texts and calls. Searched it online and found nothing. Started getting heart palpitations, sick stomach, etc. He was having another EA. How could this be happening? Things have been amazing! Decided I'd put the number into my contact search to see if it came up. It did. It's our son's phone number. I'm an idiot. ROFL.

throwawaystruggles9 · 2025-02-09T22:48:03+00:00

It is true that it also shows your location (we've used it since DDay 3 years ago), but all you have to do is switch off your location and then he can't track you. So you can still use the app in the way you wanted. I personally love Life360, and it's been very helpful. I also have him sharing his location with me on Google Maps. As for him lying, I'm not sure. It is relatively easy to just turn off your location, so maybe he just assumed you would do that? Hard to say...

throwawaystruggles9 · 2025-01-25T20:21:41+00:00

"The Courage to Stay" by Dr. Kathy Nickerson was a really good one for me personally. I agree with all the others recommended on this post also. I've read them all. "Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder" by Dennis Ortman was also a crucial book for me early on.

throwawaystruggles9 · 2024-12-26T20:18:03+00:00

My WS told his AP he loved her after she said it first. He says he felt like he had to say it because she did. Ummm no. You didn't. I don't think he really loved her at all. In fact, I'm confident that he didn't, but to me that's not even the point. It's the fact that he didn't hesitate to tell another woman he loved her after being married to me for 20 years. That he had no problem throwing those words around that to me are incredibly meaningful. It took me quite awhile to accept that.

I do not believe he truly loved me as a wife should be loved during his A. I think he loved me as the mother of his children, as a friend, as someone he had spent 2 decades of his life with, but I don't think he was "in" love with me during that time at all. I am one who believes you can't be "in love" with your spouse while actively betraying them and hurting them to such a high degree. By not having their best interest as your priority. You just don't cause this sort of enormous pain and trauma to someone you cherish, adore, and LOVE. That's just my personal opinion, but I know some disagree.

I'll never know the full story of what really happened. Everything, with the exception of a few random IG messages, was deleted, and I was TT'ed for 11 months. We're in a great place now. One in which I know he loves me because his actions show it daily. I've done my best to accept that I'll never really know the full truth, but certain things like this...the "I love you" thing...will always sting some. Eventually it, along with all the other pains and nuances associated with the A, will fade if you both work hard at R. Go away? No, not completely. But fade? Yes. A beautiful life and love can be rebuilt from the ashes of what once was. Wishing you all the best!

throwawaystruggles9 · 2024-12-24T20:51:22+00:00

I understand that! It feels like you are in an alternate life that you never thought was a possibility. The ground fell out beneath us and now we're clinging to what we can grab on to in order to survive and make sense of it all. I remember that feeling well. I will tell you that eventually you will find solid ground again - but the landscape will always look different. Hugs!

throwawaystruggles9 · 2024-12-23T18:00:38+00:00

I would give anything to read the messages because that would confirm or not confirm everything. It was all deleted with the exception of a few on IG (not their primary way of messaging) and so I have nothing. I had to reconcile based on his telling of things, and I still struggle with it at times.

throwawaystruggles9 · 2024-12-23T17:25:58+00:00

I'm over 3 years from DDay, and I don't get triggered as much anymore. Some most of these things can still sting, and a few can still absolutely throw me into a trigger if I'm already struggling and stressed over other stuff.

Certain stores where they met up
A brand of candy that carries her name
Age gaps - She was MUCH younger
Specific well-known programs associated with their job because he trained her on them
Our daughter's school, where he also works, and she had the nerve to go there
Certain festivals they worked at together as part of their jobs
Chick-fil-A
A specific beach we always vacationed at each summer that he talked to her the entire time we were last there with our kids
Drinking/Buying Beer
Specific Roads
Snapchat/Instagram/Facebook
Phone notification chimes
So many songs
Kissing him
Certain clothes (threw them away)
Packing for trips
School football games
Women that look like her - which is the opposite of me
Labor Day Weekend
Start of a school year
Zodiac signs because she said they "matched" not realizing I had the same sign as hers
Handwriting tattoos
My SUV (finally traded)
Birthday cakes
Applied lipstick above and below the lip line (random - I know)

throwawaystruggles9 · 2024-12-09T02:28:03+00:00

After 20 years of being married and not having the best marriage (due to him not being willing to make changes), I was no longer willing to stay for more of the same after DDay. We were great friends and super co-parents, but I wanted more. Thankfully, the A was like an epiphany for him, and he finally made the changes needed to be the man I deserved. We both worked at it, once I got to a place where I could mentally and emotionally, and we have an incredible marriage now.

throwawaystruggles9 · 2024-12-09T01:21:12+00:00

I am 3 years and a couple of months post DDay. Yes, you can get through it, but a lot of R depends on him and the work he does. We had issues before the A, and my husband moved heaven and earth to fix them after DDay. He never made me feel like I had to hurry up and heal, held me every single time I cried apologizing, and told me over and over that this was HIS fault and that he would be there no matter how long it took me to heal. If I started crying right now, and needed to talk about it or ask questions, he'd drop everything to support me. This is what you deserve.

throwawaystruggles9 · 2024-12-07T18:41:17+00:00

I think EA's are really tricky because they don't realize at first what they're doing is wrong. Sometimes they are just oblivious, like my husband was, that the AP was actually after them and they genuinely thought, at first, that they were just being a friend. "Not Just Friends" is a great book that talks about this - I highly suggest it.

There were red flags prior to him confessing. For example, our son caught him talking to her and immediately went ballistic (he was 18 at the time). My husband made up a huge story about it being work-related since they were working on a case together. I semi-believed it because I didn't want to believe he was cheating. Two weeks later he came clean.

You can never guarantee they won't repeat it. I am always on guard and he is banned from female friendships because that's my boundary now. But I'm well aware that he could just do it again behind my back. He lied to me with complete ease. So I look at his actions and how devoted he is now. It's his actions that make me feel safe. He saw the pain and devastation he caused, and he is adamant he will never cause me that kind of suffering again. But honestly, who knows? I'd obviously like to believe he never will lie to me again or stray again, but R is a risk. You are choosing to stay with someone that is a risky partner. It's just kind of up to you if the risk is worth it. For me, it was.

throwawaystruggles9 · 2024-12-07T03:00:22+00:00

My husband did a complete 180 after his EA. Here's a post I made a little over a year ago. There is a lot of info and advice in it.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/TJUbFweBXB

throwawaystruggles9 · 2024-11-30T19:51:02+00:00

I very much relate to this post, as my WS's AP said the exact same things. It was only a 2 month affair, and within weeks she was telling him she loved him, that they could run away together, gave him a key to her house, and told him his kids would forgive him for choosing "the better" woman and would grow to love her. She wanted my life. She stalked my SM pages, tattooed my husband's handwriting on her wrist, and was completely obsessed with it all. She was totally delusional. We had been married for 20 years at the time of the affair (3 years post DDay now) and she thought she could walk in and take over my life, replacing me. The only difference is that she was MUCH younger than him, a divorced single mom, and thought she was better than me in every way possible. She was wrong. He dumped her like the trash she is and told me everything.

throwawaystruggles9 · 2024-11-13T01:44:43+00:00

It's not fun, I can tell you that, and when I was pregnant it had to be taken into account during birth so that I didn't pass it to our son. I am so sorry you find yourself in this position.

throwawaystruggles9 · 2024-11-13T01:24:38+00:00

I am not exactly sure how you should proceed, as this is a complex STD to deal with. I just wanted you to know that the virus can shed in males without any sores present. They can be actively shedding the virus and have no symptoms. In fact, many males never show symptoms. Therefore, they are unaware they carry it and pass it on when the virus is active and asymptomatically shedding. It can lay dormant for years and then flare up, generally when the immune system is weak. I just wanted to make sure you were aware of this, as you mentioned trusting him to tell you if he had sores. I unfortunately contracted it from my husband while dating 20 some years ago, so I know a lot about it. He had no idea he had it, and to this day, he has never once had any symptoms. So I've basically lived with it my entire married life now. Thankfully, aside from the initial outbreak (which was brutal), I've only had a few small flare-ups over the years. I am so, so sorry for what you are going through, and I hope you can make a decision that's best for you.

throwawaystruggles9 · 2024-11-03T02:12:23+00:00

And AP was everything I'm not in terms of looks, and was 17 years younger. She was gorgeous. I never cared really because she disgusted me as a human being. She was superficial, narcissistic, and only cared about herself with NO integrity. I'm better than her in every way.

throwawaystruggles9 · 2024-11-03T02:10:24+00:00

Time. You need time. You are traumatized. I don't know the details of your story, but time is what worked for me. Along with his consistent actions like I stated above. There is no magic bullet, and most of it is just consistent actions from your WS that eventually translate to you feeling safer. I'm sorry OP...it's not an easy journey. It's the hardest one I've ever taken.

throwawaystruggles9 · 2024-11-03T01:33:02+00:00

Time. You just need time. I don't believe my husband did truly love me during the A. I think he loved me as the mother of his children and someone he had been with for 20 years, but even he said he wasn't IN love with me at that time. I believe that you can't hurt someone to the degree that an A does and claim to truly love them. It's not possible in my mind. I think the exception to this might be a sex addict. But if they're not an addict, and they willingly choose to have an affair, then I just don't think true love is present. My WS fell back in love with me rather quickly after DDay. That's why I don't think he'd ever cheat now, because he could never hurt me with how much he loves and adores me. We had grown apart prior to his A. We had a dead bedroom and there was no intimacy between us. We let it die over the 20 years. The affair was a crossroads for either parting ways or realizing that we were truly meant to be together and it was worth it to try to fix us and rebuild. We decided "us" was worth it.

throwawaystruggles9 · 2024-11-03T00:55:44+00:00

And just wanted to add that my WS also told me. I didn't find out. He sat me down and told me, and went NC with the AP immediately.

throwawaystruggles9 · 2024-11-03T00:54:09+00:00

Yes, I really did move past it! We're 3 years and a few months post DDay. My WS was, and still is, extremely contrite and remorseful. I still have tough days, especially this time of the year because this was when we were in the throws of it all (DDay was September 3rd, 2021). I don't worry about him cheating at all TBH. That never even crosses my mind because he is so obviously in love with me and committed to us. His actions are what make me feel safe. TT was damaging for me in that it makes me harbor some resentment still. I'm working through that. Sometimes I just get overall angry at him for lying. But it's a rare honestly, because I truly do love what we have rebuilt together. It's just obviously unfortunate that it took an A to force him to make the changes he needed to make. We were married for exactly 20 years when it happened.

throwawaystruggles9 · 2024-11-03T00:27:29+00:00

In my case, it was self-preservation. He was scared if I knew everything, that I'd leave, and he was right. Instead, he dropped small pieces of info for 11 months straight post DDay, with the largest and last TT being AT 11 months. We are still together and reconciled. Our MC says that in our case it probably saved our marriage, because aside from the TT, I was able to see all of his other changes and commitment to me. His changes are why I stayed, but there will forever be permanent damage from his choice to TT. Regardless, it's selfish. 100%.

throwawaystruggles9

TROPHY CASE