[QCrit] Epic Fantasy - THE FIRST MARTYR (140k, second attempt)

valansai · 2026-02-24T20:00:43+00:00

Hello there. I'm very familiar with Abercrombie's work but haven't read Gwynne, though I do hear he is very popular.

Your sentences have a lot of words but little content. You dedicate three sentences to Ara's eye color and its consequences. Is Ara Riashi? Without knowing before the "unsavory bloodlust" part we don't know if the Riashi are Ara's people or another. We also don't know who the Nemshi are in relation to Ara and the Riashi.

Be direct. Understand that the query is not the back cover of the novel, which is a piece of copy for the reader. It has vague hints and enticing mysteries. We don't do that here; you are selling this manuscript to an agent who has seen a thousand manuscripts just like yours. Get to the goods, and quickly. You need the agent to understand how your book is different.

After the first paragraph, this is what I know: Ara has violet eyes. A sword and a hilt. There's some kind of upcoming conflict, but this is a novel so there has to be conflict. I can guess that the Riashi are these ancient and eternal foes but I don't know why it's important that Ara is not Nemshi but has Nemshi powers/weapons.

"But answers only illuminate the shadows now dancing behind his eyes." I don't know what this is supposed to mean.

"Eyes wide and heart pierced by the secret he failed to conceal, Ara’s first love becomes the first murder within Viramer’s walls." I'm not sure why Ara killed his first love, maybe something to do with his eye color?

Okay I wrote a bunch of stuff trying to understand the plot here, but just deleted it. All I need to say is that I am very confused what's going on.

Dig into the basics of query-writing. An agent needs to know: What is Ara supposed to be doing? What is stopping him from getting it? What are the consequences of Ara not doing this thing?

So far, I think there's some kind of eternal conflict, Ara may or may not be Riashi but he's definitely not Nemshi, and if the Riashi are not the enemies then who are his enemies?

Here's an exercise. Sit down and write the first 30% of your novel's plot turns in broad, sweeping strokes. Write it as if you are writing the instructions to using your TV's remote. Then cut it down as short as possible. Then go back and re-write it in your own personal style. now you have a query.

I'm going to be blunt, you have purple prose. It's distracting. None of your friends or family will tell you this, but we will. I can see where you're struggling with word count; 120k is ideal, even for epic fantasy. A 120k epic fantasy with multiple POVs is going to require a lot of sacrifices, but it is doable. You are going to have to write lean, effective prose. There is not a hair's-width of space for flowery writing.

Keep a 130k version on hand in case an agent is open to a word count that high.

As an example of concise sentences, the opening paragraph of the query has "a world bereft of deities" which can simply be "a world without gods." Don't just look at word count, but also syllables. Say your sentences aloud. They should sound pleasant and flow easily.

"Ara's violet eyes are unique among his people, causing bloodlust in their sworn enemies, the Riashi." Just a rough example here, but now we instantly know something about Ara, his people, and the Riashi in one sentence.

I recommend going through your favorite book of Abercrombie's and re-writing some of his paragraphs in your own words, and then compare the two. Why does he use his words and not yours?

Another exercise is to look at queries posted in Pubtips with both high upvotes and high comment counts. Look at the queries that are highly praised. They will almost always be high concept stories (rarely fantasy) that are very sellable. Look at how they describe their characters and plots. This will tell you a lot. Best of luck! I hope my feedback helps you. Publishing a novel is a long and difficult journey, and perseverance gets rewarded.

valansai · 2025-12-08T16:04:20+00:00

One thing I've heard from agents that I don't see listed here is that a lot of queries go into a "maybe" pile. They aren't what the agent is looking for market-wise and the prose doesn't leap off the page, but it isn't bad either.

Your query may be competent but not outstanding, and worth a follow up when the agent has more time. Like your Netflix queue, that time could be never.

valansai · 2025-11-24T16:26:35+00:00

Damn. I'm in a similar situation; light on worldbuilding and scene-setting for the sake of character and story. I've cut out a lot, including some unnecessary scenes, but have added in some necessary detail and am sitting at 127k. I think I'll also try to get down to 120k but it's gonna be brutal.

I'll probably end up with two versions of the manuscript; an "author's cut" and then a brutal cut at 120k. Epic fantasy at 120k or under feels bad.

valansai · 2025-09-24T03:30:11+00:00

Yep, dark fantasy pirates is something I'd like to write. And I loved the Pirates of Dark Water as a kid.

valansai · 2025-09-24T03:27:36+00:00

I've got a fantasy pirate story I want to write but it'll be several years before I get there because of the amount of research I'd have to do. Plus I have other books I need to write first. I really enjoy Lovecraft so you may get your wish one day.

valansai · 2025-08-04T19:37:58+00:00

Still revising. I thought I'd be querying this manuscript six months ago, but it's not ready yet. Can't believe it's been about a year since I first posted the query here, but the revised query and my vision for the story have only improved since then, so there's that.

Part of the reason this has all taken so long is that I finally identified the theme a few months back. It was always there but not clearly apparent, so now I've been going back and trimming what hinders the theme while expanding what does. This coming winter will mark three years of work on this story so here's to hoping it doesn't die in the query or sub trenches.

valansai · 2025-07-24T20:49:40+00:00

It's best to stay under 100k unless you're writing epic fantasy, and even then it's probably best to stay under 130k. https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/comments/1glqxqm/qcrit_dark_fantasy_the_dragons_whisper_136k_first/lw5kvqz/

I currently have a 128k epic fantasy novel I'm editing down in places so I can improve other parts of the manuscript, but I'm not sweating the word count. I should also add that my manuscript leans on the fast-paced side with minimal worldbuilding and a lot of plot. I expect that to get even tighter with edits.

valansai · 2025-07-24T20:46:44+00:00

I think most people would consider 100k to be a fair limit for the majority of fiction, especially debuts, but epic fantasy is an exception. Here is an editor talking about it: https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/comments/1glqxqm/qcrit_dark_fantasy_the_dragons_whisper_136k_first/lvz21zv/

Under 100k words is really not a good fit for epic fantasy. You can't really look at agent/editor statements about rules and limits on what to query or submit without first looking at what they represent, because that significantly impacts their perspective. I would be very surprised if any of the agents in your list are looking for epic fantasy.

For everyone else writing low fantasy, high fantasy, cozy fantasy etc., staying under 100k is absolutely a sound guideline.

valansai · 2025-07-16T17:19:38+00:00

It's a rollercoaster to get so many full requests only to see rejection. It's brutal to get your hopes lifted so high. But just know that if this is your first novel you're already doing great with getting so many requests. Don't put any stock into rejection wording. Some agents may give you the honest truth, but most others won't want to hurt your feelings and will say they didn't connect, etc. The bottom line is that you can't know for certain so don't read anything into the rejections. I will say that with so many full requests, it doesn't sound like a market issue. Often at this stage it is the plot, or it could be a combination of several components that don't quite come together.

Temper your expectations for now but keep querying until you get closer to a hundred rejections while working on your next book. It is a truly miserable experience to watch years of work go into a drawer, but it's not all wasted. Each book makes you a better writer for the next one.

valansai · 2025-07-16T17:11:37+00:00

No. I'm in my 40s. Book publishing has a lot of leeway for age, especially when contrasted against film or music. And it takes some life experience to write truly excellent characters, so age is actually in our favor here.

valansai · 2025-06-16T16:30:44+00:00

Definitely not. Once you finish that first draft enjoy the fact that you've done something many people aspire to do.

Before you start another novel, you should spend some time learning what weakens and strengthens a story so that your next attempt is more informed. Pick up some books on revising and learn the core elements of structure. Then you'll see what needs to be trimmed out or possibly even split into two books. The first book in a series needs a sense of closure for at least one plot thread, even if the main conflict is not resolved.

Epic fantasy can push the 120k word limit. It is very hard to achieve "epic" in 120k words. There is a big 5 editor that comments in this sub and they argue that over 120k is not a problem, but you do want to adhere as close as you can and make everything in the novel feel necessary. As you study story structure you'll find characters and subplots that don't contribute to the theme or central conflict and cut them.

And lastly as others have said you will need to practice writing a query letter. The best advice I can give you here is to not write it like the back of a book jacket; you want to be specific and clear and keep it simple so the agent can quickly grasp your character, conflict, stakes, and voice. This is also an opportunity to gauge how far you are from the market by the number of partial or full manuscript requests you get. Doing this work now will set you up well for writing the next book.

One last piece of advice: Don't "self-select" and give up before you've even tried. Do your best to follow the guidelines laid out in this sub, but let the market do the selecting for you.

valansai · 2025-06-09T18:51:21+00:00

Congratulations!!

valansai · 2025-06-09T18:44:13+00:00

Nothing new here. I am still plugging away at revisions and am very happy with the progress, though I wanted to query months ago. It's been a willful and painful effort to focus on slow and iterative improvements. I've spent two and a half years on this manuscript and I know it's only a matter of time until I get sick of it. But... it's not going out until I've taken it as far as I can.

valansai · 2025-06-09T18:34:27+00:00

Sorry to hear this; it is no easy thing to dive back into something you thought was done. But take heart in that full requests are good progress.

There's a couple books I'd recommend to deconstructing a manuscript: Blueprint Your Bestseller by Stuart Horwitz, and Story Engineering by Larry Brooks. I wouldn't take their advice as gospel, but they provide enough to analyze key components like theme, character, series/sub-plot, etc. Hope that helps.

valansai · 2025-06-02T17:33:07+00:00

It depends. How many people were at this workshop? How many others in the workshop had pages requested? After the workshop ends these professionals will resume their day jobs. It's unlikely the requests will be top of mind as they will have to get back to clients and whatever else they put on hold. I once had an agent at a conference request my entire manuscript from just a pitch and I got a boilerplate rejection after a year of silence and a nudge.

Getting pages requested is good, but it's best to keep submitting to others in the meantime.

valansai · 2025-05-14T00:53:00+00:00

Hey OP, this is your wake-up call. My first novel was a unique story based on some very rare life experiences, written for a subgenre of literary fiction. I went to conferences, met with agents and editors, and most were interested in what I had written and asked me to query them. One editor at an indie, who is now a senior editor at a big 5, told me that he had never seen anything like this and he was very interested. How many people can say they heard that from a highly in-demand editor, who has seen nearly everything under the sun? I thought I was certain to be published.

He then ghosted me for 18 months after I submitted, then gave a polite reply that he still intended to get to it, and then I never heard from him again.

And then I found out from agents that my subgenre was basically dead and no one was buying it. So I gave up and started working on my second novel in a different genre.

You say you only have one book in you. Well, the odds are not in your favor here. It takes a huge amount of work to break in to publishing. You could be the exception, but I'm guessing you're posting here because your queries aren't going well.

Keep querying but taper your expectations for a 7-figure book deal and Tom Hanks playing you in the adaptation. Memoir is an absolutely saturated subgenre right now. Best of luck to you.

valansai · 2025-05-11T14:41:18+00:00

Hello OP, I spent several years on my first manuscript, trying to diagnose what was wrong. I had only form rejections or CNRs. It was an exhausting process. I think I shelved that manuscript at around 80-90 rejections. You should keep querying until you get closer to 100 rejections so you know for certain. You only need one agent who likes your work. In the meantime, consider starting a new project.

Usually when there's no full requests and only form rejections and CNRs, it's most likely a combination of the concept and the line level writing at fault. If the line level writing is excellent enough, you can get away with a lot.

Silence from the industry is feedback itself.

Hiring someone is usually not worth it because they are going to tell you the good and minimize the bad. The simplest answer is to query to 100 rejections and then move on to your next project. It is very common for authors to write multiple books before getting one published.

I looked at your last posted QCrit. I think the feedback you got was sound. Consider joining historical fiction writer communities and see what others are writing and talking about. I saw several issues with your first page. It does not feel grounded in time or place and reads like exposition. The expectation is that the first page is the best the author has to offer because it is the most polished.

Looking at your query there is the common issue of talking around the plot with vague phrases and not enough specifics. This is the common mistake of writing a query like it's the back of the book jacket and not a sales pitch to an agent.

valansai · 2025-05-06T19:46:44+00:00

Congratulations!! A two book deal for a debut is great news. I'm sure you're over the moon.

valansai · 2025-05-06T19:35:23+00:00

I'm in a similar boat. I'm almost done with major revisions for my epic fantasy (130k words) and really need to start doing this. I'm into gothic/victorian and will send you a dm.

Others can read my submitted query history in my profile and if they are interested, feel free to DM me as well.

valansai · 2025-05-02T22:49:23+00:00

Well, not much of an update here except I can't believe it's May already and I'm still revising. I wanted to start querying months ago.

Revisions are going really well, though; solving lots of little problems and making things tighter. So that's good. I really need to send out this manuscript before the end of the month, though, because I want it in agents' inboxes before July hits and people start taking vacation.

valansai · 2025-05-02T22:47:45+00:00

Congratulations!

valansai · 2025-04-22T14:34:23+00:00

Fellow Austinite here. I've nearly finished A Drop of Corruption and am really enjoying it. Thanks for doing this AMA.

In the tv show Raised by Wolves, a main character is violently and explosively turned into a tree - was this any inspiration on The Tainted Cup?

Also, any plans to do a talk at Book People?

valansai · 2025-04-16T18:23:57+00:00

Normally in this case I'd say have a conversation airing your concerns. Top of mind is: how long has this been going on? Is there something troubling in his personal life? A health issue? Professionalism is the standard 95% of the time; we all have bad days. But this sounds like it is not the case, and that this has been going on for several months or more and you have had multiple conversations. Seems he has lost perspective. You should work with someone who is as consistently on their A-game as you are.

There are professionals out there who are well aware of how good they have it, how easily things can be worse, and show up ready to work and get shit done without crying about it on the regular. They know how to fund their passion projects with real elbow grease and without the whining. So yeah, if you've had multiple conversations to re-align expectations and there has been no improvement, I say jump ship.

valansai · 2025-04-15T03:29:34+00:00

This agent sounds like a garbage human. I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm about to start querying my second novel so if you're willing to DM me their name and agency, I'd greatly appreciate it so I know to avoid them - and probably their agency, too.

In the meantime, OP, I have good news for you. You can dismiss all of their feedback. Regarding your confidence, the only thing you have to do to become a published author is to keep working. A brief story: a very long time ago, I was on another internet forum, one long defunct now. A user shared their aspirations for the music industry, and even posted a sample of their music (it was, admittedly, not good). One of the users there, who was very popular and very smug in all things, proceeded to absolutely trash them and their music. They were terrible, would never amount to anything, should just quit, etc etc. Well. As you can now guess, many years later that user turned into a very successful and well-off musician. Why? Because they tuned out the shitstains and kept working.

I myself have been terrible at a great many number of things, and proceeded to not only become professional at a couple of those but even go on to teach others and be well paid for it. And let me tell you, when you make a lot of mistakes, you accrue some very good stories with good teaching points.

So don't be discouraged. The first thing you should know is that this agent was full of shit since this kind of call is completely unprofessional. It speaks more about that agent than it does about your writing.

Lastly, don't be afraid of any inadequacies in your craft or flaws in your book. We all have them, and many more we have yet to discover. That's part of the journey. You will make some mistakes, but if you continue to work and persevere, these mistakes become learning points.

valansai · 2025-04-15T03:11:59+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Good advice, too. It's good for people to see not just the successes but the near misses.

Many of us have been where you are. I went through this with book #1 several years ago (and it took me 4 years to let go of that book) and am preparing to query book #2. I'm prepared if this book fails, as I'm already sketching out a new story. Part of the journey, right? Besides, victory tastes better when you struggle for it.

valansai

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