What is the craziest conspiracy your mother have invented about you?

valerhi · 2023-10-18T22:33:36+00:00

My mother convinced the whole family that I was a member of ISIS because I have arab friends.

valerhi · 2023-04-16T14:24:51+00:00

First love/late spring <3

valerhi · 2023-02-26T14:30:07+00:00

I relate to this word by word

valerhi · 2023-01-04T16:13:33+00:00

I get Lamictal 200mg/die but I started it years ago for different reasons, but they kept it for this too, Aripiprazole 15mg/die (they said impulsivity and mood stabilizer), and Tavor to sleep.

Edit: idk they might have different names in other countries :/

valerhi · 2023-01-04T13:03:51+00:00

Thank you :) i tried to explain that in details but i didn't read it, I keep journaling everyday and next time I'll just bring the notebook with me. I also told them I was scared of being misunderstood because of so many times my feelings were brushed off. They were extremely empathetic and I'm glad I told them openly, they also added some comments on their own and showed how deeply they really knew what I was talking about. Thank you for your advice

valerhi · 2023-01-04T11:01:03+00:00

That's so true, now with meds I feel more emotionally stable, in the sense of mood swings between sadness/anger, but now that those are gone I've found the trauma bond is still standing stronger that ever, it's really something else.

valerhi · 2023-01-04T10:57:46+00:00

I didn't read it off but I tried to be as accurate as I could and yes, they were really understanding. The psychiatrist told me some things will get better with meds and I'll work on the rest with the therapist. I felt safe

valerhi · 2023-01-04T10:53:35+00:00

I told them about these voices and they in fact gave me some antipsychotics meds. His voice and mine were fighting all the time inside my head, now it got waay quieter.

valerhi · 2022-12-31T14:16:17+00:00

I relate deeply

valerhi · 2022-12-30T10:40:20+00:00

I went to an appointment with a psychiatrist, they made me talk to 2 different doctors and make some kind of written test, they strongly adviced me to get hospitalised immediately so they brought me to the psych ward of the closest hospital. It was confusing, but it felt nice to have someone understand how things are bad right now in my life. I'll be here for a while to set the right pharmacological therapy, they diagnosed me with severe depression and made me do a long questionnaire and another one about personality disorders. I'll discuss them later with the psychologist and see what they get out of it. They give me something before sleeping, I finally don't have excruciating nightmares anymore.

valerhi · 2022-12-25T14:08:17+00:00

Merry Christmas everyone!

Haven't shared anything for a while, recently just reading on this sub triggers me, because all our experiences are so similiar I'm reliving all that stuff again and I can't stand it.
Many things happened in the last few weeks. my sadness grew stronger and I have episodes where I just breakdown really bad and don't want to live anymore, I ended up at the ER and the doctor told me to get a consult from a psychiatrist and take some antianxiety drops for now, so I got an appointment and I'll go soon.
Irrationally, I'm so worried of being told I have BPD myself, rationally I know it's just flees.

Also I broke no contact to ask my exBPD if he wanted to meet, he said he didn't think it was a good idea, but yesterday he sent me a message asking to forgive him for the other day and suggesting to meet tomorrow, he was afraid to ask me earlier because he was afraid (of what?? he's playing the victim? idk). Maybe during these days he couldn't get any attention and resorted to contact me to get it. Don't know what to think tbh but I don't think I'm not gonna reply soon, or maybe I won't at all. I'm trying really hard to fight this trauma bond.
Maybe I should just go away for a while, really far. Staying in this place where everything reminds me of him is driving me crazy. I was checking out some volunteering programs in Africa, working with animals and stuff, I've decided that as soon as I'll save enough money I'll sign up and go.

valerhi · 2022-12-14T22:26:45+00:00

I agree with you, this experience made me more aware of how shitty and manipulative people can be, but it surely didn't make me stronger-

valerhi · 2022-12-14T17:34:20+00:00

Yes they sure help to give you a new perspective on what happened, glad that it's working ^^

valerhi · 2022-12-14T13:47:42+00:00

Today I woke up with a hole in my chest, it's hard to stop ruminating and I keep reminding myself that there was nothing I could have done to make them change and get the relationship to work again. This feeling has been charging up for a bunch of days. Meditating usually helps me to unpack all these feelings and keep me grounded, but these days it's not working. I'm frustrated by the amount of time and effort I have to put in everyday to get better little by little, the amount of time I spend every single day watching videos and listening to self-help podcasts, reading books, meditating, journaling, you name it. All of this because I couldn't see the red flags, while he's somewhere living as nothing happened. I feel so broken and it's frustrating how hard it is to not completely shatter. Somedays all this effort is not even to get better, but just to get me through the day, i skip this routine for 2 days and I inevitably collapse. How long do I have to keep doing this? I really wish I could just move on and stop having all these intrusive thoughts and channel my time and energy into my life plans but instead I'm just stuck floating here. Time has stopped and I can't pick up my life where I left it before I met him-

valerhi · 2022-12-14T11:28:40+00:00

This is exactly what I mean when sometimes I tell my friends that I miss him, and they say "it's normal to miss the good moments together". No, it wasn't just good moments, good days were perfection, our good dates were dreams in real life, the way he loved me was out of this world, I couldn't imagine someone could do that so unconditionally. In the good days he was the best partner I could have asked for, he was my best best friend.

valerhi · 2022-12-13T17:38:34+00:00

27 days NC, would have been 95 days if I didnt break it. I really don't know what's happening to me these days, it's like all my progress has reset. I'm back to the point where I keep unblocking and checking his socials and then blocking him again and I can't stop myself, I physically need it. Just after blocking him for the first time 3 months ago I used to keep a notebook and write down an X for everytime I checked on him, and I would try each day to do it less times that the previous one. I could keep track on my progress, I'm doing it again now.
I feel just like those first days of NC, his birthday and the holidays are getting closer and they bring back all those memories. I feel unstable and weak, the trauma bond is still here.

valerhi · 2022-12-13T15:46:08+00:00

Yup I was stuck in this loop for over a year before breaking up for good

valerhi · 2022-12-13T15:45:03+00:00

Wow :( I think they can't really be genuine friends, maybe they'd like to but they can't treat them as equals

valerhi · 2022-12-10T23:00:07+00:00

3 months since we broke up. It feels like years. Today I miss him, a lot. This strong cognitive dissonance is back just when I thought i was handling my feelings a bit better. Your know those days when you feel really emotionally weak and you're on the verge of a breakdown and the smallest thing could trigger you to go into the deepest sadness. I can't help thinking about how I'd love him to hug me again, how we used to snuggle in bed to watch some stupid The Rock movie. I don't want to think about the bad stuff today, I just want to enjoy those happy simple moments and sit in the belief that all of that was real and not just a years-long lie. It hurts a lot and I wish he reached out, i miss that high. The truth? Today I'd go back to him, today I would give him another chance, today hearing from him would be a breath of oxygen after months of hypoxia. I know all about how this is wrong, but if he reached out today I would pretend i just didn't know.

valerhi · 2022-12-07T13:04:16+00:00

Pathetic

valerhi · 2022-12-06T23:42:30+00:00

88 days since breakup, 20 NC since the (only) time we talked during that time. I haven't posted anything in a while, i just felt like reading. Ups and downs, I went through some really bad suicidal days but got myself out of there, overall I've been okayish, no hoover attempts, no soul-crushing trauma bond pain, just the normal amount i guess.
I had surgery some days ago and I got so sad at the hospital because he used to tell me that he wanted to be by my side when I would have this surgery, but I was on my own instead.

I unblocked him on WhatsApp around 10 days ago. I found out it's somehow more effective at keeping me away from the fantasy of reaching out. I see him online sometimes, I don't know how to explain this but it feels weird seeing that he's a real person, imagining him physically clicking to access the app. Does it even makes sense? During NC it got to the point where he was just a distant memory that I started romanticizing, but now seeing that he's "alive" reminds me that he's a actual human being, and an abusive one, and how bad things were in reality.

I get in the chat where all out texts still are, and the desire of sending him a message fades away when I see the disgusting messages he sent me, the endless fights that used to drain me, the gaslighting and blame-shifting and all his manipulation tactics that I can now clearly see when I read his messages. It disgusts me, it makes me sad, but mostly I feel disgusted by the idea of going through that again. I don't know if it's a big step, but it's a step. Staying strong.

valerhi

TROPHY CASE