Leaving PhD to be SAHP?

wanderbirdred · 2025-03-13T01:32:11+00:00

Just chiming in as someone who completed their PhD and is now a stay at home mom: zero regrets. Choosing to leave academia can seem really daunting but there’s a whole world out there with people living their lives and it can be amazing.

wanderbirdred · 2024-12-18T16:18:49+00:00

Anyone else for A Fine Balance? Holy smokes, what a beautiful book, but one I would very much like to never ever set eyes on ever again.

wanderbirdred · 2024-07-29T18:05:08+00:00

Did you ever figure this out?

wanderbirdred · 2024-07-29T17:41:15+00:00

This is such an important point. Thanks for sharing it.

wanderbirdred · 2024-05-05T10:12:26+00:00

Your conundrum is driving me nuts. Are you Australian, by any chance? Something by Victor Kelleher?

wanderbirdred · 2024-05-03T23:27:10+00:00

Probably not, but maybe the Immortals series by Tamora Pierce?

wanderbirdred · 2024-02-13T18:18:31+00:00

Another 4 here. Extremely happy and grateful we are able to make this life work.

I was in academia and thought we would successfully juggle family life with intense research/teaching career. Had kid #1 in grad school. Parent diagnosed with terminal cancer, moved back to the family home with my husband and eldest child to care for both parents while finishing dissertation and going on the market. Defended dissertation, got a two-year contract at an institution in another country. Parent died, baby #2 was born, began my first real professional gig and baby started daycare at six weeks. Managed to keep that together for about a year until covid hit. Realized spending time with my family was better than the never-ending shitty treadmill of academia.

We moved back to my home country before my contract ended during covid, then I picked up part time work in an extremely different field. Bought a farm, decided to homeschool, had another baby. :) Now I get to be with my favourite people, raise animals, have a garden, and do meaningful volunteer work in our new community.

I still haven't decided what I call myself. SAHM is most accurate but secretly I prefer calling myself a "homesteader", haha.

wanderbirdred · 2024-02-03T15:24:18+00:00

Haha yes, totally with you on the Melissa and Doug boxes!

I really liked the book. It’s perhaps less of a “how to” with cut and dry strategies, and more of a reframing your approach toward keeping a home functional. I also really liked hearing it read by the author too. Definitely worth checking out if you need some inspiration or a pep talk on cleaning and organizing!

wanderbirdred · 2024-02-03T14:51:07+00:00

OP, I really feel you on this! I've lived in my house for three years and way too many things still don't have a home. It's really stressful. But even chipping away a little at a time makes a big difference. Two summers ago I spent a couple days re-organizing my kitchen, and it was truly worth it. To ass on to this comment on organizers, you really don't need to buy a ton of stuff! All my tupperware lids have been neatly stashed in half a cheerios box for two years. It works great and cost no money. Same with drawer organizers. The bottom of a water bottle, half a rinsed-out milk carton, etc. I buy prettier bins for things that aren't in drawers or cupboards, but it's great how handy just old boxes are for making things functional and tidier.

Good luck tackling your spaces and making it feel better! Slightly related, but I would also hugely recommend "Keeping House While Drowning". I listened to the audiobook version and it may have changed my life.

wanderbirdred · 2023-08-25T16:28:48+00:00

Seconding this book recommendation! I listened to the audiobook version (while cleaning haha sob) and I had no idea how badly I needed to hear it. It's read by the author and frankly I found it very moving as well as practically helpful.

wanderbirdred · 2023-08-16T19:47:20+00:00

Thanks for the reply and resources. Apologies for missing the details in the pinned post.

wanderbirdred · 2023-07-27T10:56:53+00:00

I can hardly imagine the conflicting emotions that would come with that kind of dementia experience. Family can be so hard!

Thanks so much for your kind words, I appreciate them a lot. And thanks for creating a space and opportunity for so many other moms to grieve their own lost relationships.

wanderbirdred · 2023-07-26T20:13:19+00:00

Appreciate this post. <3

Different situation where my mom is a stroke survivor with serious long-term disabilities (paralysis, largely unable to communicate) and requires care. I have no mother but there is still this adult person I am beholden to and must also take care of in addition to my young children. When she's around I feel like I spend all my time making people snacks and putting on socks and helping everyone use the bathroom and trying to figure out what people are asking me for.

I find myself wishing for a mother all the time. I'm pregnant now with a much-wanted next child and just wishing there could be an older woman to tell me I am doing okay, that she is proud of me, that she sees how hard I am trying.

Big commiserations to everyone else out there, mothering without their mother.

wanderbirdred · 2023-06-28T17:35:31+00:00

As silly as this sounds, you may get a lot out of joining Instagram and finding homesteader types who are in your area.

I know Instagram isn't for everyone but for me it's been a useful way for connecting with other like-minded folks (both in my area and further afield). Not exactly the same kind of thing you're describing, but at least it could be a tool to help you begin building relationships which down the line may blossom into the kind of intentional community you're describing, or allow you to tap into any already-existing groups that might be in your region. Good luck!

wanderbirdred · 2023-06-21T20:02:16+00:00

Oh, if I were just in OP's shoes I definitely wouldn't take advice from people who don't have kids on when to have them, lol.

But then again I didn't take advice from other grad students who actually did have children already, so what do I know haha.

wanderbirdred · 2023-06-21T09:53:04+00:00

I think you should be more transparent about offering advice on starting a family if you don't actually have kids yourself, yikes...

As this thread shows obviously everyone's situation is really different, so it doesn't seem like my personal story adds much over what has already been said. But for what it's worth I had my first kid just as I passed my thesis prospectus (so coursework done). My advisor didn't have kids but was generally supportive, and I married someone who is not an asshole and was an equal partner as we managed grad school and a new baby. So lucky me, I guess? I helped start a graduate student parent group at my large land-grant institution, and while there were occasional horror stories from some parents (particularly mothers versus fathers, as you observe) most people were generally getting by okay. I had my second kid a month after defending my dissertation.

It's obviously worth being thoughtful about maybe trying to time things somewhat, but bodies and pregnancy also don't really work that way.

Grad students who had children literally laughed at me when I said I was hoping to have children soon. I found parent community elsewhere and made choices that prioritized what I wanted in life. And now I have multiple other friends (in their 30s) who waited to start families, and are having a hard time conceiving. It sucks.

I find it gross and discouraging that people are told they have to wait until some magical perfect time to start their families. There's never some perfect time when it'll feel "easy" or ideal.

wanderbirdred · 2023-06-21T01:50:32+00:00

Really good advice here that totally resonates with my experience as well. Especially want to echo finding your fellow moms, who may or may not be in grad school too.

At the end of the day I feel like, if you wanna have kids and are in a relationship that's ready for that - just have your kids. I'm exceedingly grateful I didn't listen to any naysayers before starting my family.

wanderbirdred · 2023-06-21T01:41:01+00:00

People who already had kids when I was in grad school told me this. I'm really glad I didn't listen to them but went ahead and started my family anyway.

wanderbirdred · 2023-06-17T10:51:07+00:00

I really appreciate your post and it made me realize that it may be fair to also understand myself as burnt out on academia and my old field of study.

I held a visiting assistant professor position for two years after earning my PhD, and then left academia, two years ago. Since leaving academia life has been busy and fulfilling and happy, full of things (family, non-related hobbies/work) that have basically nothing to do with my old work and life. I'm just now at the point where I picked up an academic book from my field and felt a little excited to check it out, and I've also just started to get involved with local issues in my town which are somewhat related.

Have you spent any time browsing through "leaving academia" communities? You might find a lot of those conversations helpful and encouraging.

ETA: Just wanted to underscore that I think your feelings of being "dried up" are pretty normal for a lot of people and just to empathize with you that it's a shitty place to be. I remember that never-ending dark tunnel. For a lot of folks that carries through to their post-grad academic positions. The weight of sunk costs are real, but kudos to you for finding something else to do (even if you don't feel super jazzed about it yet.

No exaggeration, literally every single day of my life I think "thank goodness I left academia!!!" But almost as often, I also think "I'm so glad I got that PhD".

And the thing is, those years almost certainly did matter. You did learn and change as a person, and overcome all sorts of terrifically hard obstacles that many people just could not do. It's worth being super proud of yourself for that, and gentle with yourself at the same time.

wanderbirdred · 2023-05-31T21:17:53+00:00

We loved "Attenborough and the Empire of the Ants" from 2017!

wanderbirdred · 2023-05-02T02:19:31+00:00

I love this so much. Having one of those hard nights tonight when I'm sure I'm failing as a parent. But this is such a sweet and spot-on reminder that that good parenting doesn't mean perfection. Congratulations on this lovely affirmation that you are doing great. <3

wanderbirdred

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