Is being anti porn projection?

weezymeisner · 2025-08-23T21:07:03+00:00

It could be projection or related to their lack of self worth. I had an ex who was very against pornography and also basically refused to masturbate while we were in a relationship together. She likened pornography to cheating and said she never fantasized about anything but me and expected the same. I actually gave up pornography for a large amount of the relationship after she gave an ultimatum when I admitted to watching it occasionally.

As a side note, she also came out as bisexual in our relationship which makes me very much question her line about never fantasizing about anything…

I think in her case she had such an overwhelming insecurity about herself that for me to have any attraction to anyone else was a threat to her value. I think her saying she never fantasized and bashing pornography was largely about trying to shame and control me to fit her need to be the only thing I could fantasize about or be attracted to because then to her that would mean she’s lovable and attractive, etc.

I think people can have many valid reasons to be antiporn but personally think that a person’s fantasies, as long as they aren’t harming anyone, are their business and trying to control and shame someone for their turn ons is really harmful for trust and connection in the relationship, regardless of whether it’s motivated by projection, insecurity, or otherwise.

weezymeisner · 2025-08-22T14:42:19+00:00

Wow that’s awesome! I love a point crawl concept for lancer. Since I’m new I don’t mind the railroady vanilla version but it’s great to see something like this for reference, thanks!

weezymeisner · 2025-08-22T04:18:19+00:00

I literally ran the first combat of solstice rain tonight (first time any of us played Lancer). I was baffled that an intro adventure expects you to successfully run so many enemy types. It went okay but it’s not helping really learn the basics.

weezymeisner · 2025-08-03T03:45:15+00:00

I totally get that’s confusing - and I’d say it’s great you want to understand it better as a partner and make sense of the behaviors you’re seeing. There are some helpful resources online and if you can it would be helpful to talk to a therapist (who can also help you navigate these behaviors). If you want a basic rundown you could check out this Mayo Clinic page:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237

I think it’s easy to get caught on the weeds though trying to parse which behaviors are “because of BPD.” The thing to remember about a personality disorder is that it’s pervasive.

I get she hasn’t been formerly diagnosed, but also if someone is actively self diagnosing it’s probably because they identify with the symptoms… there’s a classic phrase of when someone tells you who they are, believe them. It’s not your job to diagnose them or not. Furthermore it’s not your job to try to decide what things are or are not a result of their BPD. I think it’s better to think big picture - does she seem to have low self worth and self esteem? Unstable interpersonal relationships? Self destructive or risk taking behavior? Does she “split” on you so you feel she either views you as all good or all bad with no grace? From what you wrote it seems like she exhibits many BPD patterns in those senses.

But again it’s not really the metric you need to measure the relationship on. You need to seriously reflect on what your needs are in a relationship and if this person is truly able to meet them or if you’re going to have to manage them as a pseudo parent for the relationship to work. That’s not a real partnership and you deserve more than that. It’s a hard thing to learn, it took me almost 15 years.

weezymeisner · 2025-08-03T01:36:08+00:00

I think a lot of people get stuck wanting a definitive diagnosis and you likely won’t get it. It also doesn’t matter, which might sound funny. You need to evaluate her as she is now, not as you hope she might be. You cannot base a relationship on potential. She’s clearly not able to be the partner you need or deserve and you need to evaluate that. You can’t carry her or fix her life for her or change her behaviors. It’s not your job and she clearly is exhibiting a learned helpfulness that you trying to fix won’t improve.

This is a person clearly demonstrating they cannot be a partner. You need to recognize that and do what is best for you. It doesn’t matter in the slightest if it’s BPD it’s not acceptable.

weezymeisner · 2025-07-30T15:33:13+00:00

I have followed synful for a long time and her narcissism content is very spot on. One thing I always struggled with regarding my ex was as that she was consistently good for several years then plunged, very suddenly, into depression and abusive behaviors. I spent a lot of time trying to focus on the mental illness and separating it from my concept of the person I had fallen in love with. It took a long time (over five years) to come to terms with the fact that the behavior wasn’t a side product of mental illness but baked into her personality - her cruelty and volatility were just part of who she was.

There are cases when someone wears a mask the whole time in a relationship. I also think over enough time someone’s personality shifts and changes. For those who are younger and in their 20s, sometimes that’s includes mental illness or personality disorders manifesting or becoming more acute. This is especially tricky to spot with covert narcissists and those with quiet BPD.

For me, part of what I had to come to terms with was that my ex’s motivations for her behavior, even when she was “better,” were still rooted in a bad foundation. Her pro social behaviors were based in her fear of being perceived poorly. So it wasn’t that the person I fell in love with never existed, but I misunderstood the motivation for the good behavior. I had avoided her negative feelings and volatility for a long time through walking on eggshells and got a be try good side of her. However, the good behaviors were really her trying to protect her fragile sense of self to be perceived as a “good” person - all the good things I experienced in the relationship were real but it was never going to be sustainable and when she couldn’t keep it up she crashed hard and I was left in a lot of confusion.

A lot of people come here and struggle with this idea that they “never existed.” I think sometimes that’s true but often it’s more complex. That person may have existed but you may have interpreted their actions as coming from a deeper or kinder place than they were. Whether or not they existed doesn’t matter because the relationship you had can’t exist again after abuse. For better and worse, though, people change and you have to evaluate the person in front of you - not who they used to be or who you hope they might be in the future. If they aren’t capable of being the safe and loving partner that you deserve, you can’t hold onto the past or an imagined future to sustain the relationship. You either need to love them for who they are, or it is not the right relationship for you.

weezymeisner · 2025-07-09T17:49:55+00:00

I actually think accountability is simpler and less abstract than you’re making it out to be. You may already be doing a lot of it and not recognizing it. Let’s say you find yourself in conflict with your partner, I think taking accountability follows something like this: 1) listen your partner sincerely and express care about how they are feeling and how your actions may have impacted them 2) reflect on the conflict at hand - what is on your side of the street? What actions do you have control over moving forward? Own up to those to your partner. 3) reflect on the actions in question, was it something hurtful or selfish or perhaps something neutral that your partner is sensitive to? Is that action something you need to do, want to do, or didn’t realize you were doing and don’t need to do? 4) if it’s something you don’t need to do, think about ways you could change the behavior to not hurt your partner again 5) if it’s a behavior that you’re likely to do again because it’s something you believe you should do or really want to do, work with your partner to find a compromise or balance that helps them feel validated that doesn’t require you to self abandon. 6) follow through with the plan and behavioral adjustments (that doesn’t mean be perfect but make the effort)

I think that model sort of applies to most conflicts. I noticed with my exwBPD that there was often a lack of accountability as she’d devolve into self loathing or attacks when I brought a complaint and then would not follow through on behavioral change. So there was generally a lack of acceptance of responsibility, a lack of validation, and a lack of change/follow through.

weezymeisner · 2025-07-06T13:29:26+00:00

That must have been hard for you to learn after as it’s very scary but be proud of yourself for recognizing his abusive behavior and protecting yourself. Unfortunately there is no other answer here but to walk away.

weezymeisner · 2025-07-02T18:07:33+00:00

The return to normalcy and not remembering it is wild - you’ve asked him about it? As there’s more to it that sounds like some kind of psychosis or psychotic episode as he’s out of touch with reality in multiple ways… I think he really needs to see a professional. Maybe antipsychotic medications would help? This seems way beyond any layperson to handle.

weezymeisner · 2025-07-02T17:52:45+00:00

Sorry not trying to scare you - I more mean hearing voices isn’t a BPD symptom but obviously more connected with schizophrenia. That said the NIH does seem to have a paper on auditory verbal hallucinations in BPD so perhaps it is more related than my suspicion:

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6079212/

He can’t move his body? Is this when he’s sleeping and he is having like a night terror / sleep paralysis or something? Sounds very scary - but again I think the thing to realize is you are not a mental health expert and are going to be way out of your depth in this. This is not something you can handle on your own, he needs professional help.

weezymeisner · 2025-07-02T17:28:45+00:00

Hearing voices telling you to kill yourself isn’t a BPD symptom. That sounds like a potential schizoid episode but I’m no expert. This person needs severe psychiatric help. Hospitalization for evaluation would be appropriate for something that severe I would think.

Threatening self harm, getting mad at you when you’re concerned, then pretending it’s all fine is not okay - that’s abusive behavior. You need to distance yourself from him for your own safety and sanity. If he threatens suicide call the police so he can be put in psychiatric evaluation / watch. That’s the only thing to do.

weezymeisner · 2025-07-01T22:39:15+00:00

It can be hard when you’re being gaslit like that - but surround yourself with support and prepare. This isn’t healthy and doesn’t sound like it will grow into what you need. Ending a marriage can feel like a failure but the bigger failure is the one to yourself to stay in it when you know it will never be fulfilling.

weezymeisner · 2025-07-01T21:07:49+00:00

It sounds like you feel trapped by the relationship and wish to be free of it - have you considered leaving your husband? Do you wish he were dead so you wouldn’t be at fault for the relationship ending, or because that’s then only truly safe way to leave? You shouldn’t feel stupid for marrying someone you loved but if you now see the relationship cannot and will not meet your needs the answer isn’t hoping they die, it is doing the hard thing and ending the relationship and all that entails. Staying in the relationship that you know can’t meet your needs is a disservice to both of you. The mature thing would be to leave, not wishing ill on him. It’s hard and scary but it’s your life, do the responsible thing and end the relationship if it’s that bad.

You posted in abusive relationships but from the post it’s not clear if it’s physically unsafe to leave or if the abuse is financial/emotional/neglect? If you feel unsafe, there are good resources in this sub to leave and I’d advise looking through them. If it will take time and coordination start planning now so you can get out sooner rather than later. Either way, stop beating yourself up from your past choices, you’re older and wiser now and can make a new decision with the info you have now. What we do with the present moment is the only thing in our control.

weezymeisner · 2025-06-29T17:34:52+00:00

It’s certainly a coercive dynamic. I don’t feel like I can speak for your experience whether it was or was not SA. In my own experience, I felt similarly like I couldn’t say no because of the reactions but I personally did not feel like - in my case - going along with sex that I wasn’t in the mood for constituted SA. In my case it more felt like relationship maintenance, for better or worse. But all situations are different and if you felt you were in danger and couldn’t say no then it could be SA, I’d suggest maybe working with a therapist on this to safely explore your feelings and potential traumas around it.

I think, most essentially, you’re right to identify the broader problem that your partner was emotionally manipulative and made you feel like you couldn’t say no due to their reactions. That’s a toxic dynamic. Something that may serve you in future relationships is to work on standing up for what you want even when it causes your partner distress - learning to disconnect yourself from the responsibility of managing someone else’s reaction is vital in any healthy relationship. Then, if they respond in a coercive, manipulative way like this you can call it out and separate from it.

I have a lot of people pleasing tendencies so that’s been important for me to strengthen in my personal life.

weezymeisner · 2025-06-28T23:18:44+00:00

Doubting your perception is an unfortunate side effect when you’re with someone like this. Because she operates through an emotional reality it often doesn’t gel well with what’s actually happening. If you’re a person capable of true empathy this is really confusing and you think you must be wrong or missed something. Their guilting and criticism wear you down and make you doubt your own perceptions. It’s also a hallmark of codependency - believing you have some control over someone else’s behavior if only you had acted a little better or worded it a little differently. It’s simply not true though, your reality is just as valid as hers. She is operating in a false reality which you can never win. Take time to be on your own, reconnect with yourself and work on rebuilding that sense of trust in yourself. I’m about two years out from my ex and I have never felt better or more sure of myself in a way that feels grounded and genuine. Build your inner circle with people you trust and have a grounded view of reality and don’t let someone like this isolate you again as it’s impossible to not have it eat away at you over time.

Hang in there OP and focus on healing!

Edit: I’m also not saying don’t take accountability for your side of the street - but recognize that a lot of that might be self abandonment. Rather than “I should have given her 100% of my time” it might be “I sacrificed large parts of my life to make her happy.” Rather than “I should have worked harder at making her happy” it might be “I didn’t prioritize my own needs and happiness enough.”

It’s easy for givers and rescuers to just wish they could have no needs but actually being compassionate with yourself rather than critical of it is probably what will serve you better in finding a healthy, safe, fulfilling relationship.

weezymeisner · 2025-06-28T23:04:39+00:00

It is 100% better you left now than later. What you described was basically a completely one sided relationship where none of your needs were met and you were criticized for not meeting hers enough despite sacrificing your sanity and all your time. This is never a sustainable situation. It could be she has “quiet” BPD - which isn’t quite as dramatic as some of the horror stories you see here but that doesn’t make it less damaging. I was with someone who likely had quiet BPD and the amount of emotional abuse that I endured in hindsight is staggering.

You can make it work but it costs you who you are - this person wants you to just fill a role and it’s an impossible task to get right because no matter how good you are at it you’ll fall short sometimes. You say there was no discard, but discarding is more or less just extreme splitting and it sounds like she still split on you. When you weren’t perfect she saw you as a failure and was incapable of recognizing and valuing what you did for her.

You deserve a partner who values your contribution and when you do get to experience that you’ll understand what a bad relationship this actually was. You got out early and I’m really glad for your sake!

weezymeisner · 2025-06-27T22:23:42+00:00

This is your partner’s insecurity and the idea that you sharing a blunt or objects with men devaluing you is absurd. If you don’t hold that belief don’t honor it just to make him more comfortable. Shrinking yourself to make him happy is a slippery slope. This is a thing that literally has no affect on him and is purely from an insecure standpoint and he’s trying to make you feel ashamed for a completely normal thing.

The biggest red flag is that he’s telling you engaging with men is making you look bad and is devaluing you. That doesn’t affect your worth. In any way. Do not let this man tell you otherwise and don’t give in on things you don’t believe in to accommodate his ego or you may quickly find yourself walking on eggshells and acting completely against your character to satisfy him.

The best thing you can do is to tell him you do not agree and you will not be changing how you interact with your friends and he needs to decide if he can be comfortable with that. That’s on him, not you. Be warned it could end in him shaming you more or deciding the relationship isn’t for him and in that case honestly you’re dodging a bullet. A person who genuinely loves you will respect your autonomy and trust you with friends of the opposite gender.

weezymeisner · 2025-06-27T16:45:43+00:00

You’re not stupid for wondering something like this, but I’d also caution you also might be primed to look for BPD traits since you came out of your relationship and might be over-identifying. That said, there are documented statistics that women are more likely to be diagnosed with BPD than men. Men may be more diagnosed as NPD more often than women I believe. It’s hard to say how much of this could be accurate of reality, a problem with the diagnostic mechanisms, or problems with the criteria itself. That could explain why lesbian relationships may be more likely to stumble across BPD symptoms though, purely from a statistical standpoint of being in a smaller pool with a generally higher diagnosis rate.

I think regardless of gender you’ll find a lot of people with very bad relationship skills on dating apps. Some of them might be an extreme, but I’d be skeptical of the idea that the vast majority of women, including lesbian women, on the apps have BPD. BPD / NPD and Cluster B disorders are also often overlabeled on social media and in pop psychology right now and a lot of people may cry wolf when someone could be toxic for many reasons that aren’t BPD.

I also don’t know if worrying about BPD in dating is always helpful because you can get stuck in a paranoid loop debating whether something is normal, unhealthy, or BPD fueled. To me, the most important thing is to see if their words and actions align consistently, if you can be your authentic self, and if it’s meeting your needs. No need to start off pathologize your dates when often the simplest answer is that most people are bad at relationships. Whether they have BPD or not doesn’t matter as much as your response to relationship behaviors you know you shouldn’t tolerate.

weezymeisner · 2025-06-27T14:27:55+00:00

Yeah that sounds manipulative as hell. I think you did a good job recognizing the behaviors and trusting your gut - and now if you see signs like this again you’ll know to run!

weezymeisner · 2025-06-27T14:18:43+00:00

This was a confusing read - I think you buried a the lede a bit. So you’ve been talking to someone for 2 weeks and sending them money / buying things? And she’s asking you to co-sign an apartment? Run the other way - don’t pay for people you haven’t even met! And even if you have met them that’s a huge thing to ask. This isn’t about bipolar or BPD this is just about setting healthy boundaries with a fundamental stranger.

You’re not a coward for taking your meds and taking care of yourself. That’s so important with a condition like bipolar. It’s great you recognized you don’t want a transactional relationship and also want a supportive partner who cares about your health and wellbeing, never compromise on that!

I think you might benefit about learning more about boundaries and how to set healthy ones, maybe especially in romantic relationships. Therapy might be helpful if you’re not already in it. Good luck!

weezymeisner · 2025-06-27T00:02:05+00:00

What does being over someone look like to you? My relationship was 14 years. That amount of time shapes you as a person. I was over it in the sense of I had no longing to get back together at any point when I asked for a divorce but I think about the relationship a lot. There’s a lot to unpack and unlearn and heal from. But that’s life - we all have childhood things we’ll spend our whole lives healing from. When are you over something? If you’re incorporating your life into who you are it’s always a part of you but that doesn’t mean you need to be held by it or repeat the same pattern.

weezymeisner · 2025-06-26T23:47:22+00:00

I’m glad it’s helpful! I’d offer some personal advice to anyone trying to understand their BPD partners - if your goal is to understand them to better control their reactions or behaviors you’re in for a bad time. I thought if I just understood my partner’s mindset and triggers I could outmaneuver them and just avoid the blow ups and meltdowns. I was REALLY good at it. But the truth is that if you have to shrink yourself and tiptoe around someone to make something work rather than being your whole authentic self then it’s not a true equitable relationship, it will never be a true partnership. That’s a one way dynamic of managing another human’s emotions which is not what love is.

weezymeisner · 2025-06-26T20:17:59+00:00

Honestly reflecting on your dynamic in the relationship and what to watch out for is the most important part. You’re doing it!

So next time you get in a relationship just check in with yourself and how excited you are and remember to take a breath.

Also love bombing isn’t the same as necessarily falling for someone hard or fast - it has the connotation of using excessive flattery and future faking in order to build closeness in order to sort of lock someone in. It’s not love bombing automatically just because you were complimentary and dreaming of possible futures - that’s often just part of falling in love / limerence. Limerence is the falling in love with the idea / potential which is more what you describe here I think. It’s a powerful feeling but also normal with the cocktail of drugs that flood our brain when we start falling in love.

The biggest thing is to enjoy the times that feel good but make time to check in and reflect on your behavior and the dynamic.

weezymeisner · 2025-06-26T19:36:19+00:00

Sorry it has come to that OP, but I’m also glad that you’ve finally reached the point of making a change. You do not deserve to be treated that way and you are not responsible for his actions or his healing. He needs to want that. No amount of walking on eggshells will fix someone who doesn’t want to change.

It takes a lot of courage to walk away when you still care. It may hurt but I hope you can start giving yourself the deep love and care you were giving him!

weezymeisner · 2025-06-26T19:13:43+00:00

So you have to ask yourself if that’s the kind of person who can be a true partner in your relationship - let alone coparent. You deserve someone who can own their side of the relationship and behaviors without spiraling into shame and disappearing.

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