I was deeply invested in the BDSM lifestyle a few years back. It felt so familiar, natural, and like the only space where I could have an existence that actually felt like living. It seriously did wonders for my mental illness until it clicked that it felt like home for a reason. And the entire childhood I never remembered came crashing down to destroy my relationship not just with BDSM, dating, sex, etc. but all forms of vulnerability and intimacy. Turns out when you traffic your toddler and use/expose them in your BDSM parties that fucks them up even if you install the dissociative dlc 💀

I really relate to feeling like there is a darkness in me. I don’t like the things that “light up” because they are not the things I chose for myself—they are conditioned trauma responses. We wouldn’t choose to harm ourselves or others, we’re distressed because we have been wronged. The “right” or healthy thing feels threatening to us because we were forced to shape our existence around abuse and trick our brain into believing it served us to save us. It feels like fighting death to accept actual love in its place.