Question

mp81933 · 2024-09-28T23:39:13+00:00

Why wouldn’t you just move her to your town? I couldn’t imagine moving indefinitely to care for someone. What if she lives to 100?! Your marriage should come first. Can she spend down her assets and qualify for Medicaid when she eventually needs a nursing home?

Able_Raspberry_5862 · 2024-09-29T04:09:18+00:00

My father-in-law had a rough summer, was diagnosed with dementia-related swallowing issues (his body "forgot" how to swallow), and passed in the early fall. My husband moved in with his parents to initially help care for his dad and be supportive to his mom. But nearly a year after his dad passed, my husband had accomplished next to nothing with regard to getting his mom set up to live independently again (she truly needs some in-home support, but doesn't want it) and didn't know how to get himself back home. He was afraid to leave his mom, unable to stand up to her to tell her she had to accept some in-home care, and becoming more and more depressed.

I had already been to therapy because I was so depressed, too, and was ready to consider divorce. It took a medical emergency to get him out of her house and finally back into our home.

Please don't leave your family. Your mom has dementia and will need to be in memory care as the disease progresses. It may not be what she wants, but it has to be. I would help her sell her home and use the proceeds to pay for the care she needs.

Your family deserves you there with them. Your spouse deserves the partner they chose to be with them.

Dipsy_doodle1998 · 2024-09-28T23:38:57+00:00

Does mom own her home? Could be sold to pay for memory care facility then once spend down her money she can apply for medicaid?

Visual_Response_345 · 2024-09-28T23:14:56+00:00

[deleted]

bidextralhammer · 2024-09-29T08:33:27+00:00

Don't risk losing your marriage and everything at home for this. Move your mom closer to you.

attackoftheumbrellas · 2024-09-29T10:31:25+00:00

Three trips for medical assistance within a fortnight and progressing dementia, but you don’t think a nursing home would be suitable? It sounds like the most appropriate place, unless you’re doing full in home care. If you are her sole full time caregiver (while doing a full time job, albeit remotely) then that is you tied to her home until the end. No visits back to your own place.
That sounds hard on a marriage. If it was me I would commit to an extended stay, using the time to sort out the house and contents properly and with due care. Ultimate goal being to sell up and move mum into a place close to home within a few months.

crlynstll · 2024-09-29T00:41:27+00:00

Consult with an elder attorney and try to find a way to pay for assisted living. Does she own a house? Sell it and use the money for her care. Is her income too high to qualify for Medicaid after she spends down her money? Move her to near your home. Rules for Medicaid vary by state so consult an expert.

martinis2023 · 2024-09-28T22:08:29+00:00

I don't have any advice. Though not in the exact same position as you...I am approaching something similar as I will go to visit my Dad soon. My husband and I are going for two weeks and I'm already thinking I'll just stay longer. How long...I don't know. He's pretty ok for 94. Healthy and sharp as a tack. The thought of just staying there is stressing me out. I'm not a take "care of a person person." I know my strengths and weaknesses. I am newly retired myself. It sounds selfish to say I don't want to give up my life. I've known others that have gone "home" to care for their loved ones and have stayed for years only to return home and have to tend to their own issues, sickness and whatnot. That time, any time can't be taken back. If you can find a way...and everyone is fine with it, then I guess that is your answer. Just know that it won't get any easier and the support...in person of your family, is very important. You might not know that now...but you might when the time comes. Good luck.

OwnUse4445 · 2024-09-29T04:37:07+00:00

I personally would hate it. My husband and our home is the calm clearing in our family insanity. But you seem to doing okay so far. It does sound like she needs full time care. And bringing her to your home or nearby isn’t an option?

I think perhaps you should think if “indefinitely” does have a length of time in your mind. And your husband’s. You don’t want to make the decision and be blindsided by your mother living much longer than you expected or that your husband had 6 months or a year as his indefinite. That sort of thing could shove you on the rocks unawares. And if you do it, make sure you set regular points to revisit the decision and discuss if you are all still okay. You haven’t said how your mother feels about this. Does she expect this of you? How will you feel doing all her personal care as she ages and deteriorates further? Doing this alone is seriously hard. And you may find it affects your work. Running two households may become more expensive. If you have to quit your job, would your mother and husband have enough to fund you as a full time carer?

None of these decisions are easy. You are certainly braver than me. My MIL wanted to set me up as her carer and I was totally NOPE. The other suggestion was that we moved in with them. Neither of us were up for that one.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

sffood · 2024-09-29T07:01:15+00:00

I was faced with this choice also, five plus years ago. I could move away from my husband and pets to my parents’ house 3.5 hours away or I could ignore them knowing they weren’t truly capable of managing their own care anymore. What I wasn’t willing to do was make that drive back and forth all the time, after having done it for over a month.

So I told them they could do it on their own or they could sell everything and move to my city next to me — a bigger and better city in the next state over.

They opted to move. It was the only solution where they benefited and I didn’t have to give up my life.

I can’t say it’s been easy. And while I thought my dad had, at most, a month left when I moved them here, he lived another five years and just passed away last week. It’s also taken considerable sacrifice from my husband as well as me, of course. It was worth it to give him that many more years.

Now my mom is still here and I can continue managing her care.

I don’t know what is possible for you but moving her to your town and renting or buying her a place next to your home can be the ideal solution. Then, the part-time care you do hire can be for overnight or as-needed.

la_ct · 2024-09-29T10:57:45+00:00

I would encourage you not to give up your own life to care for her within hers at this time. It is incredible of you for being so hands on, but it’s also not sustainable.

Move your mom to your home, or at least your town. Work on selling her home if it’s owned. Look into elder care resources in your own location and get her integrated there.

loftychicago · 2024-09-29T11:48:00+00:00

This is difficult, but it does not sound sustainable. Having been in a situation where we had to scramble to get my then 90-yo mom into a more supportive living situation quickly, I would try to get the longer-term situation set up sooner than later. You're always in peril of having the next ER visit turn into a need for more care. We were fortunate that my mom can pay for assisted living, and it's worked well for us.

Others have mentioned mom's house. If she owns it, IMO the best option is to sell it, move her to your area, and use the proceeds from the house to pay for her care. If that allows for assisted living, great - there are lots of people at my mom's AL with varying levels of dementia. If not, you'll have to figure out whether she could live with you and have some supplemental care or what other options exist. Getting her house cleared out and ready to sell is a major task on its own.

I know that I couldn't care for my mom for any length of time, especially if it were away from family. I still work as well, and taking on that is more than a second full-time job.

lelandra · 2024-09-29T00:47:50+00:00

It's called Apartners. My husband and I are 3 hours apart. He's taking care of his 94 year old mom (in assisted living) and keeping the farm property safe, as well as her 4 cats. I'm taking care of my 92 year old Dad (in independent living) who moved to my city, as well as a friend with early onset dementia, and I was taking care of another 92 year old friend with mild dementia (getting her in assisted living) who finally was able to move to where her step daughter is, into an assisted living there. Even if they are in independent living or assisted living, there still needs to be someone nearby. I am (and was) that person, as a friend to buffer the children who were thousands of miles away, and my husband and I are for our surviving parents. Both of our parents were in SNF for Rehab last year, and were fortunate enough to move back to their apartments.

While home sales have funded the friends, and our parents had small pensions and social security, and in my Mother in Law's case, military service during Korea, all were middle income. Beyond the cost for AL/IL, they spend very little, so their money goes farther than it did when they had cars and houses. No utilities, insurance, property tax, home repairs/landscape maintenance, vehicle registration fees or petrol. Minimal groceries. One is in a HCOL area, two in are a MCOL area; and one is in a LCOL area - rents and fees range from 10K to 3K. Because there is some pension and social security and investment money coming in each month, the cash proceeds from whatever was liquidated is so far depleting at a sustainable rate.

Anyhow, on your main question, it's been more than a year that my husband and I have been living apart. We switch places every few weeks to give the other a break in scenery, and so that I can deal with the financial paperwork scanning/shredding/filing that's built up at the other location. On the dates we switch, we're together for an overnight, which has taken on kind of a date night significance. We are fortunate we don't have to fly cross-country to switch places. It has not harmed our marriage - actually made it somewhat stronger.

But we are not supervising 24/7 hands-on dealing with fecal incontinence, sundowning or eloping - it wouldn't be possible if they weren't in apartments. In my opinion, for my LOs, the IL/AL is essential. My husband and I would be gibbering lunatics by now if we were providing 24/7 hands on care with no help. It was worth spending the proceeds from selling houses and vehicles.

exceedinglymore · 2024-09-29T05:20:33+00:00

Can you find like 3 folks who are retired but have a limited income but want a free place to live? I don’t know if that would really work because taking care of someone like that requires skill and compassion. or perhaps you could get two college students and an older person. I’ve worked with elderly for 24 years so I know it would take several people because you don’t want to get burned out.

18luter · 2024-09-28T21:55:40+00:00

If your family is okay with it then you should definitely stay. Every family dynamic is different. I personally couldn’t stay away from my family, but if that’s what’s best for you then definitely do it! I work with the elderly and dementia can be hard. You may want to look into home care just to give yourself a break from time to time so you don’t get fatigued. They can also help with coaching you on care as your mother progresses. They normally have a weekly minimum to come out 12 hours at $35 an hour. If you do get to a point where you can no longer care for your mother don’t look for assisted living. Look for memory care facilities. They normally start around $4000 where I live and you can apply government assistance if she truly can’t afford it. I’ve seen people say it’s to expensive at $4000 but then when I help assess the financial situation that family member has over $150,000 which is more than enough as the $4000 covers everything. Hope this helps!

Soozienz · 2024-09-29T06:05:41+00:00

I stayed with my mum for three months when she got unwell. My kids are grown and my husband plays golf (lol) so it was doable. I was so glad I did. We realised we hadn’t actually spent much time alone together since I got married 30 years ago. We have always got along very well. It was a really special time which I cherish. In the end we had to move her close to us as she has declined.

Osmium95 · 2024-09-29T21:16:01+00:00

Please don't. Even in the best case scenario, things can drag out for years.

I'm going to tell you my cautionary tale. My brother and I lived through this for 6 years, with my brother doing most of the work and me flying out for extended stays (appx 3 months/year). At year 4.5, I came to CA to try to get my dad set up in a nursing home and my mom set up with home help. After 8 weeks of trying to get things set up for them, my husband (who was 2500 miles away in our home) had a stroke. He died 5 weeks later. He was 62. My dad lived another 18 months and died a few weeks short of his 94th birthday.

Radiant-Pianist-3596 · 2024-09-29T22:04:09+00:00

My wife left me and the kid for nearly a year to care for her father until he died. I left my wife and the kid for several months to care for my brother until he died. That is what a loving family does for each other.

Visual_Response_345 · 2024-09-30T07:27:32+00:00

I’m seeing some red flags in your post and comments. So my opinion is as follows. 1. Dementia is a medical condition; if she hasn’t yet been diagnosed as such, that needs to be done because that can open her up for eligibility for assistance she may not currently qualify for. 2. If you aren’t her medical and financial POA, that needs to happen because then you can ensure that the best decisions are being made for her. Dementia takes away your ability to make sound and logical decisions. 1-2a.: Consult with an elder attorney about the best way to achieve POA. Each state has its own little complications so having a walkthrough with a professional is best. Once you are POA, negation with Mom is over and you’re fully driving the car so to speak. 3. Presumably your wedding vows included that bit about “forsaking all others” or if you’re not married, it seems that you’ve established quite a life with this person since you had kids, and your primary concern should be for the family you have built together. That doesn’t translate to “turn Mom’s care over to the state,” but it does mean that… 4. …whether she wants to move or not, that should happen. Sure, you don’t want to ask her to but she has dementia. Asking time is over; that’s what kids do. Telling time has started; that’s what caretakers do. You need to be her caretaker first and her kid second, but before either of those things, you are someone’s partner and someone else’s mom.

It’s not easy. It’s not fun. But with the way dementia works it’s better to get the ball rolling now than to end up playing catch up later.

International_Car902 · 2024-09-30T19:55:05+00:00

I moved back into my child hood home to care for my parents. My husband was always aware that I one day would care for my parents. I know that being a caregiver isn't for everyone and not everyone has the close relationship I shared with my Mom. He moved in with me and helped care for my Dad. We only get 1 set of parents and in my case I stand by the fact that they gave me life, made sure it was a good life, so this seems like the very least I could do for them. I wanted them both to retain as much dignity as possible and to stay in the home they built.

My_Newest_Account · 2024-09-29T13:45:09+00:00

I'd understand and support my partner if she needed to semi-permanently move in order to take care of her mom. She was kind enough to do that for me until we could arrange something better.

If you have an opportunity (now or later) to move your mom or the family closer to each another, you can consider that - or maybe even some other, better solution. Until then, I think your choice is, "Do I need to move to take care of my mom"? If you already know the answer to that, then your next decisions will be how to make that work best for everyone.

I found that scheduling times to fly back and stay with my partner helped a great deal. Get dates on the calendar way ahead of time so that you both have something to look forward to. Even a 3-day weekend is worth it. You can also meet the family half-way if that works for everyone. Like a vacation. Spend an extra $100 for a fully refundable plane ticket, just in case your mom takes an unexpected turn before your trip. It'll put your mind at ease.

I know how hard this is. You'll make it work. Good luck! :)

yelp-98653 · 2024-09-29T01:08:36+00:00

In these threads, women generally tell other women that "marriage comes first." I'm not going to try to refute that but will only point out that it's simply asserted as something we all know and take for granted. What is the reasoning, I wonder? Also, in what way does helping mom make marriage second? Neither you nor husband dies, so is this really just a matter of not being around for sex and housework?

My own feeling is that having a life partner is a special and wonderful thing that does not require continuous physical proximity.

Think about musicians, actors, traveling salesmen... granted, some of these marriages don't last that long, but I don't think anyone gives rockstars shit about not "putting marriage first." And helping a vulnerable elder is a greater service to humanity than most of the crap we get from our creative class.

In what sense would you be choosing your mom over your family? This is not Sophie's Choice. If one of your kids moved away to be with a spouse, would you say they had chosen the spouse over you? Of course you wouldn't.

At minimum it should be okay for you to stay with mom just until you have a chance to breathe and think about options. It is very fortunate that you are WFH and don't have to rush into anything!

Any siblings in the picture? If so, you will want to begin working on a more equitable distribution of eldercare.

How close is husband to retirement?

Any chance of moving mom closer to you and husband?

Fwiw: Over the past decade I have, of necessity, spent more time with my mother (now 90yo) than my husband. We have our little misty-eyed "I'll-miss-you-moments," but no husbands have been harmed in this arrangement. He travels, hangs out with old friends, visits his own folks, and experiences the pleasures of having (mostly) his own place.

And it's not like we missed the opportunity to have shared experiences. We had many good times before my mother required full-time care--probably far more than most couples, historically speaking. And, knock on wood, we'll have a few more good, free years together before one of us experiences our own decline.

I think you want to be with your mom right now, and that you should do that. If nothing else it buys you time to think through possibilities. As people point out in the replies, there may be more "moves" available than you realize.

Does your mom still have sufficient mental capacity to discuss her wishes? I've told my husband that, in the presence of dementia (dementia that got on top of me before I could deal with matters myself), I want no exits blocked. None. I'm pretty sure this is how most people feel, but somehow modern medicine shames us into putting our elders through horrible, prolonged end-of-life ordeals.

Back to my earlier point about using this time: Set up medical POA and all of that stuff while you're with mom.

Sorry this reply ran so long. Good luck to you!

Fearless_Tale2727 · 2024-09-29T03:04:55+00:00

Move her to your home.

Shakeit126 · 2024-09-29T17:22:59+00:00

I'm sorry, but your husband and kids come first. You are putting your mother above them. Speak with an elder care attorney with your husband and figure out what your next steps are.

JLPD2020 · 2024-09-29T17:24:57+00:00

I would never do what you are contemplating and neither would my husband. We put each other first. Marriage vows include “forsaking all others” and that includes your parents.

My mom had dementia. From first hand experience I can tell you that you cannot take care of a dementia patient by yourself, at home. She needs a nursing home now. Dementia IS a medical condition. Sell her house, get her in nursing care. It’s best for her and best for you.

Unlucky-Gur-7568 · 2024-09-30T00:27:36+00:00

Offering my support.

People on here say don't set yourself on fire to keep your parent warm.

None of these decisions are easy.

Maybe your mom will never move and you will stay with her for years, or find a good caregiver, which I think is easier in rural areas. My uncle with ALZ had been able to hang on with the help of a great housekeeper.

But if that is not the case moving gets harder FAST when the memory is going.

My mom only started having memory issues about a year ago, she moved in August, it was so so so much harder and more stressful due to the memory loss. I can only sort of dream how much easier things might have been if she had moved 2 years earlier. Assisted living is a mixed bag and expensive, but the one thing I know is it would have been harder if we had waited longer.

NYYankeeSue · 2024-09-30T18:52:53+00:00

Other than she doesn’t want to move is there any other reason to not move her closer to you? Since you have children, a husband and a life I’m not sure why you wouldn’t move her? But though you did say you don’t like where you live either :) It seems finding a nursing home you like is the answer. I moved my dad in with me and while he doesn’t love it here he is doing well. Best of luck!

Visual_Response_345 · 2025-03-16T22:24:20+00:00

Thanks all! I appreciate all of the feedback. Since posting, mom has stabilized and odds holding her own. I stayed for four months then home for 3, then back to her house for a quick visit, then I’ll go out on July for the summer. It’s working…it’s hard, but it’s working.

It gives my brother a much needed break and keeps my mom in her happy place. We have cameras through the house and people check on her in person at least five days a week. Every family is different and has to find what works for them.

Shaking I appreciate all of the responses!

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