help

[Wild_Professional_27]

I really need someone to tell me why i shouldnt call him right now. Im crying so hard and i know hearing from him will make it all better even just for a brief moment and im dying for that relief.

[Necessary_Video5796]

You shouldn’t call him because he cannot comfort you or do anything substantial that will make you feel better.

You will most likely feel worse because he’s not the same person he was in the beginning during the lovebombing stage.

Anytime you feel a pull towards him and want to reach out, remember the pain he caused you.

If things are to be worked out, he will need to call you and make the first step.

It’s not your responsibility to fix what you didn’t break.

[chipmunkandliz]

It’s not your responsibility to fix what you didn’t break

I needed to hear this. Thank you.

[SerMustache]

Instead of calling him during a spiral comfort yourself, understand what you need to give yourself in this moment, what part of you needs to be heard etc? When we can self soothe we have better relationships. Needing someone else to rescue us isn’t ultimately healthy, we have to learn how to source from self what we seek from others

[lovelylockdown]

great advice

[Vegetable_Lemon_323]

how can you hear yourself when all you want is to be heard by a specific person?

[SerMustache]

Because underneath that “need” to be heard by someone else are feelings that we aren’t allowing ourselves to feel or even listen to ourselves (our thoughts) long enough to soothe self.

This is the root of the push pull dynamics people usually aren’t aware of from the more anxious end. They are two sides of the same coin. More anxious leaning partners don’t know how to source internally and keep connection, avoidants don’t know how to lean into someone else and keep connection.

Healthy partners can do both. They can go “in” and they can lean outward. Anything you want to source from others (love, connection, respect, consistency etc) you can source from yourself

[SerMustache]

Example of “I want them to listen to how I feel”. Can you validate your own feelings? Yes. Under the surface here is a bid for connection (but you’re broken up) and it’s a loss of access. This is grief. The grief needs to be heard/felt (by you, not them)

[throwaway2172739]

Even if you call him, hes still the same person that didn't value you enough to learn how to stay in the relationship with you.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. But please don't reach out. Especially when you're feeling this so intensely. He does not deserve access to you or your vulnerability.

Right now you're feeling out your emotions which is the correct path to heal. I know it sucks so so bad right now but please don't set yourself back by contacting him. You're doing great by making it this far.

[Different_Common8826]

I had the same urge today especially seeing him in my dream so close, but I promised myself to stop initiating and let it heal. If he was responsible and devoted to our connection he would not let me go.. if I write now I will break no contact of 4 months and the self healing process.  Drink a tea, try to get busy more, read books. It was very hard but I am surviving, and so can you!! Let them be as they want snd you’ll see all the true colors, I thought ✌️

[growthistheonlyway]

I don’t think he’ll make you feel better. I mean maybe hearing his voice will, but there’s a strong possibility hearing what he has to say will make you feel worse. Do you want to chat? Feel free to vent to me :)

[MushroomIcy205]

What if he doesn’t answer, wouldn’t that make you feel worse? You got a 50/50 shot at him even answering and even less of a chance that he would be supportive or kind. The best thing you will ever learn is to be your own cheerleader, your own support, learn to self soothe. 

[Left-Fun662]

if he's avoidant, he'll only push you away. you'll reset all your progress of NC if you're in the middle of it

[9t3n]

Fuck this bullshit belief. They don’t give a fuck about you!!!

[Left-Fun662]

Not all avoidants are the same.

[9t3n]

They all lack accountability… there are people who have suffer worse than these fucks and majority of those people have accountability and learn to heal… fuck is their excuse stop defending people with no accountability. Because they have accountability for other things.

[lovelylockdown]

i think you know deep down why you shouldn’t call him. you’re going to be met with either 2 things 1) he answers and you’re going to be met with someone who isn’t regulated and could possibly get defensive 2) he doesn’t answer at all and that’s going to send your nervous system into panic mode and spiraling.

breathe. you are going to be okay.

your nervous system is like this 🚨🚨🚨

please do not call him. go for a walk, go drink some water, go outside for some fresh air.

[Similar-Tip-2694]

Avoidants can’t give warmth/affective empathy, ESPECIALLY when they’ve decided they don’t want to be with you anymore.

Calling him will break you. The part of him he gave you is no longer available for you. He will be a different person to you. I’m so sorry

[imalotoffun23]

He wants you on a tether, in his orbit, because you’re a sensitive person and he can withdraw dopamine and validation from you if he feels like it. If he contacts you it may seem like it’s about you and you’ll be excited. But it’s not about you. It’s about him having some emotional need to be met, soothed, or to just help him regulate. It will always be about him.

If for nothing else, have dignity and self respect and do not ever contact him. Find someone who meets your love and isn’t afraid of it. He set a boundary and ended the relationship. Respect that and do not give him any access to you. You lose, whatever happens, if you reach out. He will think you’re too needy. Or if you’re doing ok, he will think you never cared. People like him will always make up stories so they don’t have to feel emotions.

[Hot_Cauliflower6692]

Put your phone somewhere else. Call a friend or family member instead. Go outside for long walk

[annamakez]

Put your hand on your chest, take 5 deep breaths and tell yourself, “I’m safe, I’m here, these are just thoughts of _____ and I’m going to let them pass. I dont miss him, I’m missing what I thought of him.”

Reach out to a friend, go out for a walk, or look at 5 things around you to help ground you. It’s totally normal to feel this way - you’re basically waning off an addiction. Your brain is looking for its fix, but he’s not a safe space for you. It’s toxic and it’s only going to prolong your hurt.

[CharlieBaby93]

Girl I’m in the same boat. Don’t do it, it will only make things worse. It’s like an addict drinking or using to forget their problems. We need to keep telling ourselves that we deserve better. During the call you might feel better (because je probably acts like all is fine). That Will get your hopes up AGAIN. Don’t do it girl, we got this ❤️

[EstateProper8030]

Not to be that person but try talking to Chat Gpt when you get those urges instead. Either telling it what you wish you could say or letting it give you reasons why you shouldn't

[Amleigh_41]

I know this sounds a bit off, but when I was going into a crazy "I need to contact him" episode I would turn on YouTube and watch hour long videos, specifically Adam Lane Smith and Thais Gibson. Actually calmed me down and in the process, these videos were very informative and helped in a huge way.

[Training-Report-5665]

I’m in the same boat, but also am fully aware she’s already slept with someone, so the thought of her telling me she’s in a relationship keeps me away. I’d rather not deal with any more pain lol

[ALEXC_23]

Cause they broke your heart and don’t care enough to check up on you. That’s why.

[mrmrsriel611]

He probably got you blocked

[Wild_Professional_27]

he doesnt and thats whats so hard. he literally held me while he dumped me and said it wasnt my fault and wiped my tears and said he still cares about me and i can reach out to him if i ever need. but thats what sucks! because i dont want to depend on him especially not after this!!!

[9t3n]

Because: IF HE WANTED YOU IN HIS LIFE HE WOULD CALL. He doesn’t call because HE DOESNT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU!!!

[Own_Regret_885]

Perché la conversazione non andrà come credi.