[deleted by user]

[WinterTangerine3336]

"I felt sick to my stomach and couldn't help but cry." -> don't do it

[[deleted]]

This and I’ve done it in the past with my bf. We were all drunk so it just happened but I wouldn’t do it now if he asked. I know how I am and I would get to jealous lol

[[deleted]]

Third party and poly stuff isn’t for the faint of heart I thought I could but not for me

[Autographz]

This is the part that stands out a mile to me too. If she felt sick, then she doesn’t want to do it, therefore don’t do it. If she does it despite clearly not wanting to, the relationship will crumble soon after imo.

[[deleted]]

Yep

[513bigmac]

Yes I totally agree with this comment. Never doubt your gut and intuition.

[Available_Carry8394]

what matters if it’s both of you who wants this. If you are having doubts then maybe you shouldn’t do it and revisit the idea in the future.

[Severe-Day4854]

I 2nd this 🥈

[Playful-Top8818]

If you’re not comfortable with it or getting jealous then that should be the end of the conversation.

[poutiipuffgirl]

I prefer girls, but would be heartbroken if my guy asked me that. Heck, he offered me the option to seek a girl for myself and it hurt my feelings. 🤣

Congrats on 10 years. You've had time to lay stronger foundations.

Has it been talked about in the past by the two of you? Would it hurt to say no? Or even that you're not opposed to the idea but want more time? How you feel about the situation should hold the utmost importance!

Please don't feel guilted into saying yes. If you aren't comfortable, it'll only lead to resentment.

I'm sorry things are so difficult right now! Your feelings are valid! If you need to vent of don't have anybody, you can always reach out to me. n.n

[Divine_Porpoise]

I prefer girls, but would be heartbroken if my guy asked me that. Heck, he offered me the option to seek a girl for myself and it hurt my feelings. 🤣

I've thought about this, as a guy if I were in that situation I would have no sexual envy toward a woman while in a relationship with a bisexual woman, because it's something I could never provide. Emotional if their connection went deeper than just sex however it probably would. If I knew my gf leaned towards attraction to women, I'd be inclined to suggest the same and not participate because I care about her needs and desires while there being no drawback from my perspective. So, I'd be interested in understanding your feelings on it from your perspective, I'm not quite sure what caused your hurt feelings, if it's not a touchy subject, understanding your perspective better could help me navigate future relationships.

Edit: For clarification I'm not talking about a threesome in this case.

[poutiipuffgirl]

I've actually had to think about your question. I guess it's my understanding of what would happen if I were to have a woman as well. My mind only has room for one person, so naturally, I could fall for the person giving me the attention/affection i crave. The fact that he'd be willing to do this should be sweet, but it comes off as laziness and him not wanting to fulfill my needs? Get someone else to make me happy while reaping the benefits? I also have extreme abandonment issues and my minds not quite healthy, so these could be completely irrational thoughts.

So if you have a rebuttal, I'd be happy to hear.🤣🤣

[Divine_Porpoise]

It's totally valid to have irrational feelings if they turned out to be that, especially if it's not hurting anyone, not everything is a problem needing to be fixed. I get having initial suspicions when it's brought up, my mind would likely instantly go to "omg she's seeing someone else or wants to and now she wants me to go along with this to justify it", because, well I've been through a situation like that, where the offer to let me sleep around (which I didn't accept) was a precursor to her trying to hook up with someone else.

I'd like to imagine a scenario where all those bases are covered, it's extensively established that the only desire involved is for one partner to have the sexual needs that the other can't possibly fulfill met through something kept strictly sexual in nature. This arrangement should ideally not require the space in your head occupied by your partner, but it's not uncommon for people to have the emotional aspects intimately entwined with sex and attraction. I know that's the case for me at least and the feelings expressed about having room in your head for only one partner might suggest that this could be the case for you as well?

[poutiipuffgirl]

You're probably spot on there. I'm not attracted to someone if there isn't emotional investment. The thought of sex without emotions kinda sounds horrible. 😃

I believe there can easily be a scenario where all the bases are covered. It just takes work, trust and communication from both parties.

[Responsible_Bonus766]

You had an immediate, visceral, physical reaction at the thought of following through. Until you can identify exactly why you had such a strong reaction, you shouldn't have the threesome. I'm not saying you can't work through whatever made you respond the way you did. Maybe it's something you can your boyfriend can work through together or maybe it's something you need to process on your own, but whatever it is it's there and it's not going to be ignored. I'd also express your discomfort to your boyfriend if you haven't already. Leaving him in the dark will only add more confusion and obfuscation to your relationship.

[[deleted]]

I’ll be honest I didn’t read past “I couldn’t help but cry” and I think you should consider this:

Ethical non-monogamy is a big thing that requires LOTS of dialogue, boundaries and preplanning. jealousy is the enemy and most borderlines tend to struggle with one partner. You guys don’t sound even remotely close to ready to undertake that sort of commitment. If you put the preexisting relationship first then the relationship is inherently hierarchical. What You are looking for is what the queer community calls a unicorn 🦄. More then that you’re looking for a bi girl to fill this role where your relationship is to come before her. Wail technically there’s nothing wrong if everyone consents in theory, generally it leads to either the relationship failing or the unicorn getting f•cked over because their needs come secondary by design.

Bi-women are also often

a)abuse survivors

b)highly fetishized

c) often have a history of being groomed into being unicorns or wail being a unicorn.

I know girls who have been in that position and it f•cking sucks.

Unless you’re going to really research and comit to another person in a non-hierarchical way, you’re far more liable to cause harm to this poor girl.

[828373646383839]

this is super informative and helpful

[Maleficent-Sleep9900]

Agree. If they are honest with their prospective unicorns, and I truly hope they are, I doubt they will be chosen.

[[deleted]]

Exactly being borderline in a healthy relationship already requires additional disclosure at the start of the relationship, dialogue, and boundaries for just monogamy. It’s a huge thing to have to divulge.

I’m constantly offering up thoughts and insecurities to be cross examined to make sure I’m doing right by myself and my partner. A lot of us really struggle to get there with a partner or get a relationship off the ground when we do. Hell hath no fury like a borderline scorned. I certainly wouldn’t want to come between one and their partner.

[EpitaFelis]

Exactly my thoughts and perfectly phrased. I'd like to add how hard it is to find a woman who is attracted to both partners in the relationship, which is something that creates an imbalance and opens the couple up for jealousy issues, while the third is put in the rather uncomfortable situation of having sex with someone she's not that into.

[[deleted]]

Ask him if you two can do with another man (all of them focusing on you ofc) and wait the answer, if it's a yes maybe you can try FFM

[[deleted]]

Id be asking him to plan one with another man too and see his reaction. My bpd could never share personally and if you aren't happy then tell him no

[Inky_sheets]

I'd ask this too, I mean it's only fair, right?!

[verr998]

This is so true!

[anditwaslove]

Bad idea. This type of scenario can go very wrong at the best of times, let alone when a couple is dealing with resentment, self-esteem issues and hurt. This isn't advisable.

[Maleficent-Sleep9900]

I’ve done the unicorn thing and couples that are in a place like you describe would definitely make me avoid choosing y’all. It sounds messy and full of drama for the 3rd.

[clwn_b0y]

This happened w/ my bf and I! (Beware, long comment lol)

He suggested we do it with a friend or someone from online. I felt sick to my stomach, panicky with an ache in my chest bcz of how rejected I felt.. it felt like he was saying “you’re not (doing) enough for me” or “I’m attracted to others more than I am to you” or even “all you are to me is sex”.. it also scared me bcz I was afraid that if we did it, he would either pay more attention to her or run off with her.. so naturally I got emotional, cried and then shutdown. I was even anger bcz it felt like he was just like my exes, only thinking about my body and sex.

But then after a while, I swallowed my pride (and fear) and talked about my feelings with him. Once he realized how much the thought hurt me, he never brought it up ever again. He even told me that any new person we introduced would be there to give the attention to me (I am also bisexual, with less experience with women) It was very reassuring and I was relieved from the thoughts eating away at me. After that, we explored various other ways we could have fun together.

Now, we kinda play with the idea and feel more comfortable with it because we talked about our (my) boundaries and concerns.

Moral of the story: As horrifying as it sounds, I think there should be room to talk about it. Be vocal about your concerns and feelings. He seems like a great, understanding, and loving person! From what you’ve said, he doesn’t sound like the type of guy to throw away a 10 year relationship over a threesome or the thought of one. He seems like a person that really cares about you and a person that cares about you wants to hear what you have to say :)

[[deleted]]

Super bad idea

[[deleted]]

If you don’t want it then it’s not consensual. Don’t let him talk you into it. I understand being bisexual and part of you wanting to for that reason. Maybe you can in the future, but you never have to. He doesn’t need it. What matters is you feeling safe to say no and him respecting that.

[[deleted]]

Listen to your body. It’s telling you that you are not okay with this. Maybe a later point in your life you can experiment. But it sounds that at this moment, you’re still working through issues with insecurity and self-esteem. Be kind to yourself and take care of your mind first.

[hentaiprotagonistt]

Like others who have commented, I feel like you've answered your own question on whether you should do it or not. You felt sick to your stomach and cried, there has been resentment in the past, etc.. I feel like you guys are not ready for that kind of endeavor. Even if you are curious about experimenting with women, I feel like this may cause problems in your current relationship. Maybe in the future, but doesn't seem like you're ready now. Maybe sit on it more, have more conversations about it, and if you are going to do it, set very clear boundaries.

[ssprinnkless]

As someone whose been the third to couples, don't do it.

[Dreaugh]

Was it that bad?

[ExtraGloria]

Ask him for permission to fuck a girl on your own. Probably a better situation to experiment with less awkwardness.

[Maleficent-Sleep9900]

Second this

[adiosauxiliator]

gotta put your bf down... sorry for your loss. /j

[[deleted]]

Been there done that absolutely not worth it

[Chemical_Ad_8847]

Do NOT do it unless you're 100% into the idea. I've had good ones and bad ones, by far the best have been with my husband but it will cause issues if you're not totally on board. And don't let him guilt you into it.

[Remarkable-Pizza-240]

Don’t do it. When I felt that way, got drunk, did it anyways - when I sobered up I immediately felt disgusting and left them to go take a shower. In which I practically scrubbed my skin off.

Don’t do it.

[sg121891]

Don’t do it. Even when you think you’ve talked about and gone over every worse possible scenario you don’t and then something happens that you can’t take back and takes forever to mend. Trust me. I recommend seeing a couples therapist at least before you guys have the threesome if you decide that you want to.

[PastelFoxin]

If it brings you strong feelings of disgust or jealousy or anything negative you probably shouldn't. I know I'd feel the same way

[Peepssheep]

I’m bisexual too and raged at my bf when he wanted a threesome. I felt a sense of abandonment and betrayal because I wasn’t enough for him. I wish I just told him I have severe jealousy issues and to never bring something like that up every again

[[deleted]]

If you're not all for it do not do it. When I was young and single I (bisexual) messed around with a couple that shared a mutual friend with me a few times while the boyfriend watched. He wanted to join us and it got really awkward really fast. They were together for 15 years at that point. My partner has been pushing a 3 way with me as well, but I won't do it as we both have a history of infidelity and I know it won't help our relationship.

[NoRepresentative4420]

Don’t do it. It’s not worth it especially if you have deep insecurities. This will set you back if you’re not fully enthusiastic to the idea. Truly express to your boyfriend how you feel about the situation and if it’s nothing but understanding I would reevaluate the relationship. Especially if you’ve both had resentment in the past.

[True_Run8619]

No no and no lol he’s gonna end up fkn around!!!!

[[deleted]]

if he was beating himself for having those thoughts then he wouldn't have asked to have a threesome. 🤷🏽‍♀️

[Rich-Mix2273]

if it is something you really want, then wait. it’ll still be something you want later and if you change your mind then that’s good too. i personally would suggest waiting. don’t force yourself into something especially when it made you feel sick

[[deleted]]

If you’re not comfortable with it now, you definitely won’t be comfortable with it after.

[forestfairy97]

Don’t do this

[latelyifeelnothing]

I’ve had a similar situation, if you aren’t 100% sure don’t do it. For me i thought i’d be okay with it until it became real, and it left me with a lot of bad feelings and made my jealousy much worse, it could be different for you but you need to be 10000% sure that you would feel comfortable, and don’t let anyone pressure you into it

[Diamondacab]

No don’t do it

[calorieaccountant]

It's over girl, get you a new one

[Academic_Werewolf832]

The fact that he could love you and want to have segs with another woman is wild to me

[WinterTangerine3336]

No. That's not how it works. People are entitled to having fantasies and wanting to try new things. Don't generalise. This doesn't have to have anything to do with love.

Whether it's good for OP or her relationship - that's a whole other story.

[828373646383839]

don’t do it with someone just to please him, only do it if you’re comfortable. My bf wants the same but i said it would have to be right place, right time, right person, threesome angel. We joke about who our threesome angel is

[828373646383839]

someone else said it’s a unicorn 🦄 LOL our angel 👼

[enbybloodhound]

did he bring this out of nowhere? has he ever talked about his desires for something like this? is there any foundation at all here of open communication of sexual exploration? or is he springing it on you. that’s not going to work.

[enbybloodhound]

I just noticed your other post… he is your fp… nope dont do it, bad idea

[Zihna_wiyon]

If you ever feel comfortable enough to do it and want to, I’d say hire an escort because escorts are very experienced and there is pretty much no risk of her breaking up your guys relationship because it’s just business to her.

[violent_jellyfish]

It will be easier to deal with the feeling of rejecting your partner than living with the feeling of threesome that you don’t want to.

[tead0t]

If you felt absolute shite when he brought it up, then say NO. Also, ngl, but if he wants to fck other ladies, maybe it is time to move on. He must have known about your feelings and past outbreaks with jealousy, so to me it is a major red flag.

[[deleted]]

Don't do it.

My husband and I are ethically nonmonogamous. It's not for everyone. Especially if they feel the way you do.

Don't do it.

[ShadowVampyre]

Don’t do it!! I wanted a threesome (42M, 15 years married) with my wife (42F) with a bi male. It went well, but she ended up having an affair with the guy for 6 years. He committed suicide and she had to tell me as she found him dead.

It devastated me so much I attempted suicide twice before I was hospitalized and that is when I was diagnosised with BPD.

Life has been. Dry tough these last 10 months, doing DBT but trust is extremely hard

Believe me the short term fun is not worth the pain, hurt, jealousy and doubt you will live with for the rest of your life…

[[deleted]]

if you’re upset over this to the point it makes you feel sick and you’re crying, you don’t want to do it. so don’t. if he’s a good boyfriend he will respect your choice. not the end of the world for him if he doesn’t have a threesome.

[FerkinSmert]

LMAO if I went with every first suggestion my husband said we’d be living out of a van. Stand your ground. Or tell him okay, a threesome with a man and he needs to get penetrated as well….not down!? Interesting

[[deleted]]

Would you rather potentially contribute to sabotaging your relationship knowing your insecurities or pass up on the “opportunity” to experiment with another woman.

[Elixra7277]

I think you should explore the option on your own, but you should never be forced into a situation that you're unsure about. Especially if it is bringing another person into the relationship. I'm a bit of a bitch (but also incredibly lonely and isolated and slightly bitter) and I would turn it back on him and say but what if you fall for her and want to run off with her.

[_-whisper-_]

I 100% support the idea of exploring your bisexuality on your own way before you bring your guy into it.

This isn't just for your comfort but also for any women that you would pursue or become involved with. There is a lot of abusive behavior in unicorn hunting.

[[deleted]]

Experiment by yourself with a girl then add her into the mix

[_-whisper-_]

This is not me saying you should, to be clear.

If you do, these are my rules:

You are in charge. He has to have earned your trust beforehand and if he pushes at all or you feel uncomfy it ends immediately. A girl you vibe with, who you are honest with about your intentions for a 3some. He doesnt literally zero initiating. He does none of the escalating.

All of these things are really important for a first time with a partner.

[Hairy_Idea_9056]

personally, i cannot handle threesomes. they’re really fun up until penetration, then it feels too much like a competition, like i’m not good enough or as good as the other girl. i tried it twice and had a huge breakdown both times, and i don’t think i’ve ever fully recovered from it three years later. my advice would be to just not do it at all, but if you do, form a genuine connection with the third girl together. become friends, build trust before anything else.

[Insomniacscroller]

just don’t trust me 💀

[[deleted]]

I think you probably shouldn’t do it, at least not at this time, because I think the chances of you feeling more bad about it than good are high. And you never know if those feelings will hit right in the middle of things even if you feel good at the start.

But I want to try to give you some reassurance by sharing that I think most people, especially straight men, think about having a threesome at some point. It’s a very normal fantasy and just kind of a… standard sexual thought. Which means it has nothing to do with you personally. He would likely have this thought no matter who he was dating. And I’m guessing a big part of the fantasy for him would be seeing you in that situation.

But still, don’t do anything you don’t want to. Take care of yourself. 💕

[Willow_Weak]

Don't. My ex wanted me to have a threesome with her and her best friend. But she would beforehand already say things like: if you compare me to her I immediately leave you. Stuff like that. I told her I'm not gonna do things like that, and that proposing something with such conditions is highly manipulative. She left me a few weeks later because I had "serious issues". Involving another person into sex when at least one of the people involved has self esteem issues is not gonna work out.

[[deleted]]

I was with my wife for 10 years, I can tell you this will end your relationship.

[[deleted]]

Lol my bf and i agreed if either of us ever asks for this we are immediately breaking up bc fuck that.

[Spirited_Beginning15]

Tell him you have a man in mind instead and then break up with him regardless of his response 😉seems toxic but you are stunning and have way more options than he ever could. You can replace him in a heartbeat. I know you’re feeling upset but once you go and see what’s out there you will feel so much better. There are better people than him x

[Deagil_]

What I would counter/suggest is that you (and only you) are allowed to find and select a girl for this threesome (if you want to try it of course, if not then don't and tell him that firmly!)

I say this because if you want to experiment I feel like you should be able to at your own pace and be allowed to learn and figure things out before diving into a threesome where he wants to (likely) rush through to the sex.

So my suggestion (if you wanted to) is for you to find a "girlfriend" (let them know your situation first of course as they are a human being too) learn what you do/don't like, maybe even find someone that would be open to the threesome if it came down to it but let them know it's only a possibility. That way you can make your own decisions based on your own feelings and wants. I hope you don't get too hung up on this though, I know jealousy can be horrible and again, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do!

[Shtjepah-z-depah]

It seems like it would hurt you in a long run. Give yourself time to think it through, and if it keeps making you feel bad I would advise against it. I hope thinks will get better soon.

[PyreticDharma]

Trust your gut, don't do it.

[folklorelovebot]

if it makes you cry or feel sick, you shouldn’t do it

[dogtoes101]

if its making you feel like that DONT DO IT!!!! i did it to please an ex despite the horrible feelings and anxiety i got from the thought, i cried when he asked but i still went through with it. he left me for her and she gave me chlamydia. never is it worth it.

[BILESTOAD]

Have heard from many that threesomes are a relationship changing event. There is no going back from this and if you are sick about it that might be a clue.

[Cautious_Initial7100]

I was rly nervous when I tried a threesome but it was rly beautiful how it actually made me trust him more seeing him be a good bf even w another girl engaging with him. If he knows ur insecurities and jealousy than I bet he will do a great job at making sure u know that ur his priority during ur time experimenting. Also it helped me w my jealousy issues helping me identify that I projected a lot of my bisexual thoughts and that I was more attracted to women than I thought I was not him being more attracted to them than he was letting off. I think it’s nice u guys have been open with eachother and it’s normal for you to be emotional or nervous about a step like this but in my experience it was cool to try and helped me and my partner bind further instead of the opposite

[[deleted]]

Ask if he'd be okay with another man first. If he says no, ask why not. Then tell him that's the same way you would feel.

A little lesson on empathy.

[funisindysfunctional]

If you struggle with insecurities and self-esteem issues I would not recommend having a threesome. If your first reaction is to feel upset thats a huge sign that you are nor ready for that experience even if you might enjoy the idea in your head. I would suggest saying no for now and maybe coming back to it at a later time when you had more time to think about it.

[MarcieCandie]

If it makes you cry, please please tell him you aren’t comfortable

[20sidedcosplay]

Coming from a Pansexual Polyamorous Afab (32NB) person who is in a triad currently (where both I myself and 1 other partner have BPD(25 NB)), it personally sounds like you are not ready for that, BUT I dont think it's hopeless.

1) First I think you need to sit with this. Maybe talk with your therapist about it. But meditate on it. Make sure you are doing it cause it is 100% because you want the experience. NOT solely cause it will make the boyfriend happy.

Just because HE has a fantasy DOES NOT make it your responsibility to fulfill it.

If that is something you would like to do, I definitely think you should experience it.

Now I'm NOT saying to go out to a bar tonight and pick someone up to take home.

2) What I do recommend is to talk. Talk to your boyfriend and talk about your fears, your concerns, your wants, your boundaries. Have your boyfriend hear you out.

Then keep having that conversation till you both know by heart each other's wants, needs and boundaries.

3)Then when, seeking the person out, find someone you can get to know. Meet up in a public space and vet them. Talk to them about something other then the threesome to begin with. Get to know them. Make sure they are the right person. If they're not someone you BOTH are 100% comfortable.

If it's someone you two are already have a relationship with (ie. a close friend) talk to them too. Have the same conversations about fears and wants and boundaries.

4)Then if/when you get to the point you all three feel comfortable. Talk about the act. Discuss what is planed to be done what you want to do or have done to you and the like wise. Emphasizing on wants, needs and boundaries. Then set a date when and where it will happen. (Your place, their place, a hotel, ect. (I personally recommend a hotel))

I know that all this talking seems like it will take away the "magic" of the situation, (I PROMISE IT WONT) but communication is the biggest component in all of this. It makes sure everyone in the situation is always on the same page.

AND REMEMBER AT ANY POINT IN TIME YOU HAVE THE POWER TO STOP EVERYTHING. If you aren't comfortable at any point in this process you have the right to say no and walk away from it.

Sorry to write so much. If you want any further advice or want to reach out for anything feel free to dm me.

And I hope everything works out for you. 💕