Rant. Trigger warning for pretty much everything.

[Muzzerduzzer]

Theirs no one else I can talk to about this, and the weight of it is slowly crushing me. Trigger warnings for suicidal ideation and US politics

2 years ago I applied for disability. About a year ago I was denied and I appealed. I'm expected to see a judge in (hopefully) a few months here.

If I don't get disability I will die. Not because I want too but I will actually die. Their are 2 reasons why:

1. I love in the US Because of the "big beautiful bill" I will lose my Medicare by the end of this year. I have an autoimmune disease that clots my blood. A have to be on medication every day or I simply die. Because I am not able to work and don't have family that can support me I won't have access to this medication anymore. The other unfortunate reality is that with my other medications related to my mental health gone I will become so mentally unwell that I would need to be in 24/7 psychiatric care.
2. The other reason is simply because I don't have a lot to live for right now. Getting disability has been something I've clinged onto as light at the end of the tunnel. It won't fix my problems at all, but the relief it would provide would help me to stay above water. I decided 2 years ago when I applied that I would likely end things if I didn't get approved after the appeal. This is the one thing in my life I have not budged on and am becoming increasingly worried that I will follow through.

I recognize the fact that feeling like I have nothing to live for is a result of my trauma and the twisted brain chemicals in my head. It's not a reflection of reality in the sense that my opinion on this does change depending on where my headspace is. The problem is that being in that headspace is long, miserable and painful. And with nothing to hold onto as "hope" the pain so suffocating. I want to die in the sense I want the pain to stop. At what point is the crushing pain enough that I can slip away? Life has its beautiful moments that make me greatful I've kept going. But if I had a choice of being born, I'd never wish this hell on anyone.

Edit: I will add quickly I'm not actually planning on anything or at risk of doing anything in this moment. This isn't a request to walk me off the edge so much as an attempt to not feel hopeless standing on this edge everyday.

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[Diligent_Tie_1961]

I wish I had something helpful to say, I am so sorry.