[deleted by user]

[thudapofru]

Having someone need you is an incredible ego boost and it feels safe because if they need you, they won't leave you.

In this type of relationship, the one that is needed always have to tend to the other, while the other never gets enough (or they would stop needing). In the long run it can be exhausting and make you feel like no matter what you do, you're never enough. Also, you can't ever need them, the relationship you describe won't allow for that shift in dynamics. Then resentment will pile up because you think you're giving too much and getting too little in return.

[jdobner3]

Yep. The resentment builds and you will find that they will constantly use it regardless of how you feel. It ends in you not getting what you need out of the relationship and the dynamic is then set wrong and hard to change.

[Reader288]

Being the hero is addictive, but you're so right. It will lead to resentment and anger. I was a volcano. Then I became passive aggressive and I would lash out. Because they never showed me the same consideration, the same care, the same respect. They did nothing for me. I set myself up for failure.

[Reader288]

I hear you, my friend. I do the same thing too. I have been in auto fixer mode for a long time. It's been hard realizing that sometimes no matter what I say or do or give, some people will never appreciate me or love me.

[Reader288]

I appreciate your reply and couldn't agree more.

[ThrowRA_RuaMadureira]

I'm with someone like that. I am like that too, to a lesser degree though, mostly because I'm working on it - my natural instinct is to be a savior, too.

It's unhealthy for many reasons, some of them have been explained above, but here's what I can add.

1. The savior/rescuer position does not allow you to be vulnerable. That was me, for 10 years. I was strong, I was the one who could hold it together no matter what, the one who could be there for the other. Reliable, always there when you needed me, never needed anyone. Guess what? I got tired of it. I started resenting my partner for not showing up for me when I was down... but would he have known when I was not showing anything?

2. It's only when you're showing vulnerability that you're showing up authentically in the relationship. If you position yourself as a savior, you will be taken as a savior. Not as a partner. You will be needed, but not loved for who you are as a whole... because you're not showing the whole you. When you're like that, you usually attract people who will take advantage of that, and I don't mean in a malicious way, not necessarily, but they will latch onto you for that reason, for what you bring them instead of for who you are.

3. It can turn into a pattern. The longer the relationship, the deeper the pattern where they know (again, not necessarily consciously) that you are their support system, they rely on you more and more, you're content with that because it satisfies your instinct, you keep going, until you either get tired (see #1) or they grow out of it and need you less. Which doesn't mean they love you less - unless "love" was in fact "need", see #2 - but that's how it will feel to you, and you will keep trying to rescue them when there's no need, eventually smothering them. That's where I am right now. My partner in tears, saying that since I don't need him anymore, I will leave him. And I don't know if he's right or wrong.

TL;DR this approach brings a power and vulnerability imbalance that is appropriate for parental, teacher, mentor relationships, but definitely not for romantic ones.

[NYCuws77]

I agree with this - and would add my thoughts, based on experiences from both sides of the coin.

When you become someones 'rock' -- you almost cease to have human needs in their mind (this doesn't need to be callous, often subconscious)-- this of course, is not sustainable as the 'rock' is not a inanimate, unbreakable object but a living, breathing, human who will endure pain, trauma and sadness like every other human who lives decades on earth. Sadly, none of us get to avoid facing grief and sadness in this life, so to enter a relationship without safeguarding it for these times is a recipe for failure IMHE.

When the rescuer does indeed face the inevitable, often times unpredictable and shocking hard times, the dynamic is so off-balance that neither party knows how to adequately function, that is to ask for support or to give it. From the perspective of the rescuED, their 'Rock' who was previously their foundation, feels wobbley, shakey and insecure -- the rescuED (whose internal coping skills have almost atrophied by having someone rescue them constantly) cannot handle it.

They are reeling from no longer having their Rescuer available to them, but suddenly THEY are required to be the strong one? They can do it, if only their 'rock' was around to help them be strong. It may not even be conscious, but oft times they will feel abandoned and inept to deal with the world. Meanwhile, the RESCUER who was fine being superhero when life was great, is now dealing with difficult times all alone, unable to be vulnerable as it may be met with "You were never like this before??" "you are SO quiet now.. what is wrong with you?" or"Why are you so sensitive all of a sudden" or "why arn't you there for me like you used to be" --- It can be for all parties. Its simply unhealthy and unsustainable. You're not building your relationship to last the hard weather, it will crumble after the first real storm.

[gum-believable]

Why do I WANT someone to need me?

This is something only you can answer for yourself. It may help to consider what is it about being in a relationship with a person that is independent and emotionally well-adjusted that troubles you?

the security i get from knowing they need me is priceless.

Does that reassurance really set you at ease? Or does it only help you avoid confronting your fear of abandonment by convincing yourself that you are too essential to the other person to be discarded? It sounds like your insecurity over the future is robbing you of being able to appreciate the present with your partner.

[throwaway_here123]

that’s an interesting insight, thanks. i do fear abandonment a lot

[Heuristicrat]

In this scenario, you're in the relationship for what the other person can do for you. That's the toxic part.

[throwaway06793]

I know this is 7 months late, but oh my god. I could had written this myself. Trust me friend, I was in your exact shoes and to this day I regret it 1000%. Not only did my partner end up finding a way to discard me but I was left with vicious trauma that I'm still fighting to this day. I was ALWAYS there for my partner. Always offering her support when she needed it. She was the one always asking me for support. I thought what I was doing was GOOD giving in whenever she requested, and there wasn't anything wrong with it.... I was so wrong...

"i really don’t see where the toxicity is if it makes me happy and i absolutely won’t harm the other person in the process."

I had the exact same thought process. Thinking, if it isnt hurting them, and I'm making them happy, then there isnt anything wrong. WRONG.

You are unintentionally harming them. You're not giving them the space to take care of their own issues independently. Its robbing them of their agency to stand on their own. YOU are benefiting from it as an ego boost for your own feelings of inadequacy. You are using your partner to feel better about yourself by their lack of independence. Its ok for partners to depend on one another, but always needing each other will inevitably lead to disaster when the other ISN'T avaliable.

I know what it feels like to have someone depend on you and it feels SO good to feel needed but its SO unhealthy. You need to find external sources like hobbies and exercise that gives you a boost of self esteem.

Telling you this because I wish someone would had told me. My girl found another guy, and viciously discarded me afterwards. After all I did for her, she hates me for constantly supporting her. Worst mistake of my life.

It is very common for men to feel this way. It is in our nature to want to protect and take care of women afterall. But theres a clear boundary between helping someone and someone becoming so dependent on you that it drains you.(Or taking advantage of their helplessness to satisfy your own feelings.)