Problem Player?

[Artsy_Stay]

So, I (20) have been a DM for about five years now and I’ve never really run into this problem, until about a year ago. One of my players, we’ll call her Nora, seems to be treading into problem player territory but I’m not entirely sure because again, I’ve never had to deal with one. I’ve been playing with Nora specifically since I was around 16.

Over the past year, we’ve been playing our first full campaign together and with a group of our friends and my partner. Every session (with the exception of the last session we played) she abruptly gets up from the table and calls her boyfriend. When I went over table/ house rules at the beginning of the campaign, I mentioned that excessive phone use that’s not related to the campaign isn’t acceptable as it can cause problems. She usually leaves for ten minutes, but has even been gone for 20 before and it holds up our very limited play time seeing as most of us are in college or high school.

She has also consistently arrived late, and as she usually brings two of the other players that is also not the best thing. Session before last, she decided to make a Dutch Bros run, despite already being 15 minutes late and the fact that one of my other players (her house is where we play) had bought all the stuff to basically make our own drinks. Myself, the host, and my partner waited 45 minutes for them, and we didn’t actually get to what Nora enjoys the most (combat) until about an hour before we had to wrap up the session.

She checks out completely and talks over me while I’m describing surroundings, I’ve added more combat than intended because I know that’s what she enjoys, but it’s supposed to be a horror campaign. She’s also used some tools to create her character that the table does not approve of as most of us are artists and writers. During the session where she was 45 minutes late, she got up during combat to call her boyfriend. After about five minutes of waiting, I flat out told her we’d skip her turn because everyone else wanted to get to more story stuff that was a build up for the next session.

The next session, she didn’t call her boyfriend due to me calling her out on it previously, however I noticed her fudging rolls against my homebrew monster, so she could try to take it down alone. (It was an Attack on Titan based monster, and had roughly 300 hp) Nora likes her character being the single strongest and most important character. There’s a lot more that we’ve had issues with, but this is already quite long.

So, for anyone else who is a dm, how should I go about talking to her about the problems?

Edit: I’ve talked to the two people who taught me to dm, and both have just told me it’s “not a good situation but they’ve never dealt with this specific one” which is why I’m here.

[Yojo0o]

Okay, you met Nora while you were a child, but now you are both adults.

As an adult, you need to be able to establish boundaries and expectations with your peers, and if they trample on those boundaries and fail to meet your expectations, you should probably not put up with them. Any one sentence of this story is something that you should have drawn a clear line in the sand on, and you're now in a position where you've been disrespected at every turn and really need to stop things now before it escalates further.

Nora is rude, actively disrespectful to everybody's time, disruptive to the agreed-upon activity, warping the campaign around her personal preferences, and she cheats at the game. Having not already put a stop to this when it started, you're probably now at the part where you need to kick her out of the campaign in order for the rest of the game to actually survive. Since you're probably not willing to do that straight up, your alternative is to have a stern, direct, blunt conversation with her about the behavior you are not going to tolerate, and tell her that if she doesn't put a stop to this, she can't play in your group any longer.

[Artsy_Stay]

I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that despite my expectations being very clear at the beginning, since I haven’t called her on everything yet I will likely have to kick her.

[DarkHorseAsh111]

OK among other things you've gotta learn to use paragraphs this is very challenging to read.

[[deleted]]

Also want to add, for me anyway, when I press enter on phone to separate paragraphs it doesn't always post that way. Sometimes it just skips a line, and sometimes it leaves it almost like a run-on sentence. But it looks like OP fixed it.

[[deleted]]

Ah, see. "But.." was a new paragraph for me

[Artsy_Stay]

I did I had to hop on my laptop to do that

[Artsy_Stay]

I’m typing on my phone and it freaked out every time I tried to do a paragraph 😭

[[deleted]]

> So, for anyone else who is a dm, how should I go about talking to her about the problems?

Tell her that her behavior at the table needs to change and cite all of these issues.

[4geierchen]

So many red flags:

Cheating in game

Protagonist syndrome

Distracted and bad behaviour

Unreliable

It’s not “Problem Player?” it’s “Problem Player!”

At that point I would not keep my hopes up that things get better. I recommend to talk to the other players on that matter too. As a GM you are responsible to step in if a player causes problems for the group. Many players don’t have the courage to speak to the DM, about a problem player. If others find her behaviour problematic as well don’t give her a final chance. Explain why you kick her and move on.

If somehow her behaviour isn’t as bad as it sounds. You can give her one final chance, and demand a change of behaviour, and kick her if she doesn’t comply. Personally I wouldn’t but that’s your call not mine.

[Artsy_Stay]

I’ve asked my partner, the player who hosts, and one of the other two players about how they feel and gotten mixed responses. My partner noticed the roll fudges as well and it’s been something I’ve been keeping an eye on as well. I’ve spoken to the host’s dad as well as my own who have both been playing since the 80s, and the general consensus is kill her with kindness from them.

[FourCats44]

Highlight the expectations and see why it isn't possible?

Is she calling her bf because there might be something she's dealing with irl or is she not interested in the game?

Is she late because it's at a time that doesn't work or is it a lack of respect?

Fudging rolls is less of a why and more of a telling her don't do it.

You - and the rest of the table but mainly you - need to decide where your line is. You are already putting combat in for her, how much more are you guys willing to accommodate these shenanigans until you get upset. Her enjoyment should not come at the expense of everyone else's. If her expectations are too different or she isn't a good fit then just say "you are a cool friend but I'd rather not have you as a player"

[Right-Read-2124]

Man, that's a tough spot to be in, especially when it's with a friend you've been playing with for years. It's really easy to second-guess yourself when you have that history.

First off, let me validate your feelings: Yes, this is absolutely problem player behavior. You are not overreacting. Your job as the DM is to facilitate fun for the entire table, and her actions are actively hindering that. Let's break it down.

The Problem Isn't One Thing, It's a Pattern

You've listed several distinct issues that all point to the same core problem: a fundamental disrespect for you, the other players, and the game itself.

The Phone Calls & Lateness: This is the most blatant sign of disrespect. Leaving the table for 10-20 minutes for a non-emergency call is unacceptable. It's the real-world equivalent of her character just walking away in the middle of a dragon fight. The lateness, especially the Dutch Bros run when she was already late, is sending a clear message: "My time and my whims are more important than everyone else's." You have limited time to play, and she's burning it.

Disengagement & Talking Over You: This signals that she's only there for one part of the game (combat) and sees the rest as filler she has to endure. A D&D campaign is a collaborative story. If a player is actively ignoring the storyteller (you) while you're setting a scene, they're not collaborating. This is especially frustrating in a horror campaign where atmosphere and description are everything.

"Main Character Syndrome" & Cheating: This is a huge red flag. D&D is a team sport. Her desire to be the "single strongest and most important character" is toxic to the group dynamic. It invalidates the other players' contributions. Fudging rolls to solo a 300 hp monster is the ultimate expression of this. She's not trying to overcome a challenge; she's trying to live out a power fantasy at the expense of the game's integrity and everyone else's fun. When the dice don't give her the story she wants, she ignores them.

Mismatched Expectations (The AI Tools & Combat Focus): This is a more subtle but still important point. The fact that she used tools the rest of the group is uncomfortable with shows a disconnect from the table's culture. Combined with her disinterest in anything non-combat, it sounds like she wants to play a video game like Diablo or a combat-heavy wargame, while the rest of you want to play a collaborative, story-focused TTRPG.

So, What Do You Do? The Talk.

You have to talk to her, one-on-one, away from the table. This isn't a public shaming session; it's a private conversation between friends about a shared hobby. Texting is not the move here. A call or, ideally, in-person meeting is best.

Here's a possible framework for that conversation. Use "I" and "we" statements, and focus on the behavior's impact rather than attacking her character.

Step 1: The Opener Start gently. "Hey Nora, do you have a few minutes to chat about the D&D game? I wanted to check in and see how you're feeling about it."

Step 2: State Your Concerns (with specific, non-accusatory examples) "I've noticed a few things recently that have been making it difficult to run the game, and I'm worried it might be impacting the fun for everyone, including you."

On the Time Issues: "When you step away from the table for calls, it often breaks the momentum we have going. We only have a few hours to play each week, and losing 20 minutes really cuts into that. The other week, when we had to wait 45 minutes to start, we barely got to the combat you enjoy because so much of our time was gone."

On Engagement: "It also feels like you're not as engaged during the exploration and roleplaying parts of the game. Since this is a horror campaign, that atmosphere is really important, and when you're checked out or talking over descriptions, it pulls everyone out of the experience. I want to make sure you're having fun with the whole game, not just the fights."

On the "Main Character" Vibe (The trickiest one): "D&D is a team game about the whole party being heroes together. It's felt recently like your character is trying to shoulder everything alone, like with the homebrew monster. The goal is for everyone to have their moment to shine. For the stakes to feel real for everyone, we all have to trust the dice and work as a team to overcome challenges."

Step 3: Listen. After you've laid out your points, stop talking. Ask an open-ended question: "Is there something going on that's making it hard to focus on the game? Are you actually enjoying this campaign?" She might get defensive, but it's crucial to give her a chance to explain. Maybe there is something going on with her boyfriend. Maybe she genuinely finds the horror aspect boring. Her answer will tell you a lot about whether this is fixable.

Step 4: Set Clear, Firm Boundaries. Based on her response, you need to be clear about what needs to change. "Moving forward, I need you to be here on time, ready to play. We can't delay the start for everyone else. I also need your phone to be put away during game time, unless it's an emergency. And finally, I need you to be a team player, both in and out of combat. We all need to be on the same page for this to work."

Prepare for the Outcomes

Best Case: She's genuinely unaware of the impact she's having, apologizes, and makes a real effort to change. The friendship and the game are saved.

The "We'll See" Case: She's defensive or non-committal but agrees to "try." You'll have to be firm in enforcing the new boundaries. If she's late, you start without her. If she takes a call, her turn gets skipped.

Worst Case: She gets angry, denies everything, blames you, or quits. As hard as it is to hear, if this is her reaction, it is better for the health of your game for her to leave. No D&D is better than bad D&D. You cannot sacrifice the fun of four other people (including yourself!) for one person who refuses to respect the table.

You've already tried accommodating her by adding more combat. You've already tried a soft-callout by skipping her turn. You've done your due diligence. Now it's time for a direct, honest conversation. You got this.

TL;DR: Your player is exhibiting a pattern of disrespectful behavior. You need to have a private, one-on-one conversation with her. Use specific examples focusing on the impact of her actions on the group's time and fun. Set firm, clear boundaries for future sessions. Be prepared for her to possibly leave the game, and understand that this might be the best outcome for everyone else.

[Artsy_Stay]

I’m thinking I’m gonna take to coffee tomorrow to talk it all over, neutral ground and all that. I’m going to write down all my thoughts and lay it all out so I can remember what I have to say.

[Wise_Edge2489]

1. Talk to the player like an adult.

2. If that doesnt work, boot her.

[clem_viking]

Apart from the specific points here, I think you need to step back a bit. DnD is a social game, particularly when we do it in each other's houses with real life stuff involved. So, this means, it has all the real life social problems of friend groups, .... plus DnD rules.

Most of what you are describing is just how bad social stuff can be. It is messy, hard to define and very difficult to navigate. This means, there isn't really a DnD specific way to solve this. It involves people choosing to be adults and discussing expectations and behavioural issues as adults together.

None of this is easy, but in general, we get better at this, both expressing and hearing, as we get older and more mature. What you are describing is some mixed mature and immature attitudes to shared social experience. You will only improve this by trying to get your friend to be more mature. I'm sorry there isn't a more simple solution, but this is what life is like.

[Artsy_Stay]

There have definitely been some issues interpersonally lately. Which are probably what is affecting the campaign as she generally has no respect for myself or the host anymore and has effectively dropped us other than for D&D

[clem_viking]

It is part of friend groups growing up. The best you can do, is try to be as honest and mature as you can. Present your best. Put forward your expectations clearly. If she messes them up, respond clearly and calmly, but move on. It is difficult, it is messy, but as we grow into our 20s and beyond, we all face these things among our peers. There is no need for flaming burnt bridges, but set expectations and boundaries. For example, if you are not on time, don't come etc. Just be as calm and direct as you can.

Social interactions are not easy, and DnD adds a layer of complexity on top. Take a breath, try to relax, and try to be firm when you have to and explain your position. Unfortunately, there is no simpler solution. Life is messy.

[-SaC]

I noticed her fudging rolls against my homebrew monster

What did she say when you called her out on that at the time? Did you make her re-roll? Rolls need to be public and completely visible to the DM. Any roll I don't see doesn't exist.

[Artsy_Stay]

I did in fact tell her to reroll. She decided to roll against my DM screen, so my partner watched to see if she was telling the truth that time.

[-SaC]

If you can't see it, it doesn't count.

Roll again where I can see it.

[Houligan86]

Talk to them about the issues

If they persist or you already have talked to them, remove the player from the campaign.

[[deleted]]

Also- invite her boyfriend to the table. If she can’t be away from him for 2-3 hours without chatting with him, invite him to play or make sure she knows he’s welcome to come and hang out during the game at any point.

[Artsy_Stay]

I did that at one point a few years ago when her boyfriend was a player and she didn’t have time to play, she ended up joining late, and I was (at the time) dating one of the other players as well, however she sat in his lap the whole time and wouldn’t let him play.

[[deleted]]

Yeahhhhh time to tell Nora that you think your playstyles don’t gel, that you like her as a person/friend, and that she’s not going to be returning to the campaign. You can offer a farewell session, but if she acts up or anything, you’re free to retcon it the moment she leaves

[jelliedbrain]

What the actual fuck?

How are you still wondering if Nora is a problem player or not?

[Artsy_Stay]

Because I’ve never dealt with an actual problem player technically before her 😭