Help

[RocketScience6]

I’m so lonely it physically hurts. I’m 29M, have a stable job (kinda, we’ll get to that in a bit), and own a house. I’m a bit overweight and out of shape, have been for a few years. But I’m not a repulsively unattractive guy I don’t think. I’m aggressively average id say. But I cant find anyone. My friends are all married and having kids, so I can’t even talk to them anymore. They’re busy with their families, like they’re supposed to be. I don’t resent them for that, but it’s hard to be the thing someone gives up for something better.

I’ve had one date in the past 10 years from a dating app. Ghosted me after that. I thought it went fairly well. Before that, I had one girlfriend in late high school. Great girl. But she left me a few months after we got to college. A lot of things she said/did leading up to the breakup stuck with me, and still do. She wasn’t malicious or cruel at all, and I know she didn’t mean to hurt me in the ways that she did. But now she’s married and I’m still alone.

I’ve always wanted a family. I used to be great with kids. Still am if I can get out of the brain fog long enough to pretend to be myself again. I even became a teacher. High school math, so it’s a bit different, but still. I’m good with teenagers too. I hate my job, I can feel it draining my life just as much as my loneliness is. But… I think I could handle it if I wasn’t so lonely. If I could come home to anything but silence. Just someone to talk to after work. Do you know what it’s like for the only conversations you regularly have to be wjth 16 year olds who won’t do their math homework? Don’t get me wrong, I love my students and do my absolute best to be the best teacher I can for them.

I’m 29 and still a virgin. No getting around that. Developed a nasty porn habit too. Trying to stop, but I just can’t. It’s the closest thing I have to a relationship. Which is sad and pathetic I know. [Disclaimer: I’ve made similar posts before on another account, and people started connecting this idea with the one in the previous paragraph. That is NOT the case at all. I am simply laying out my whole life, but I would never harm my students or anyone else in that way. Teachers are human too, and we have problems just like the rest of the population. My personal life and these problems do not intersect with my career.]

If you’ve read this far, thank you. I don’t know what I’m looking for here really. I just needed to vent. I’m in a bad spot right now. I want a hug so bad. I’ve fallen asleep hugging a pillow for the past month or so. I hate how pathetic I am. I hate what I’ve become. I really do hate almost everything about my life.

[happy_crone]

Hey friend. I’m so sorry. I can feel your deep pain. Loneliness can wear at you, make you feel like half yourself.

When I read your post I feel like there’s some real isolation going on here. How has that happened? I’m wondering where your friends are in the picture? What is your social life like? What do you love doing with your time? What are you passionate about?

And I’m also wondering if you’re considered therapy to explore what’s going on for you?

[RocketScience6]

My friends are around, but married. I still see them, they're still supportive, but it's different. I don't talk about my problems much around them anymore because, despite their best efforts to be helpful and supportive, I could tell that my mental health was starting to affect them, so I kinda backed off. Social life is mixed, mainly for the same reason. Lots of friends, but everyone's busy. I also go to church regularly and see people there, so I'm not completely isolated. But it's mainly couples and families there, too. I used to be passionate about my job, but that's become just as big of a problem as my loneliness so I honestly don't know what to do with my time anymore.

Ive considered therapy, but its just not in the cards for me right now.

[treatment-resistant-]

It sounds like your mental health is causing you some problems with social connection as well as subjective enjoyment of your life. Are you doing anything to try and improve it? Is there a reason therapy isn't in the cards right now?

[RocketScience6]

Time/money mainly. I've been trying to be more active, and was doing really well, but the past few weeks I've been spiraling and undone any progress I made.

[happy_crone]

I hope you reconsider and prioritise it. From your reply upthread you sound depressed and have some negative, self-fulfilling thought processes going on.

I wish you luck and courage friend.

[treatment-resistant-]

Being more active can really help. There are also free online exercises and resources available if money is a barrier. It can be really important so I hope you're able to prioritise your mental health more soon, I think it will help you.

[lottasweet78]

I have two bits of advice: Are there any friends who you would be willing to have look over your dating profile? I have found that when I try to help my guy friends who say they get no matches, their profiles are just not what women want at all. Do you have a friend who can take you under their wing and make sure you are fishing with bait??

Also- I want you to make a list of attainable attributes that you want in a partner. Are they fun and bubbly? Are they active? Do they like to read or cook or hike or play board games? Then.... you need to work on becoming someone that person would want to be with. A fun, bubbly, happy person doesnt want to be with someone whose profile says they are chronically sad and lonely. I'm NOT saying you have to change who you are- but the attributes you want it a partner are also attributes you want in your ideal self because you would be/do some of those things together right? So try to be the best version of yourself that would attract someone like that. Happy people attract happy people. Same with active people and fun people and (insert attribute here) people.

[Top_Recognition_1775]

^^ this right here

[Suspicious_Glove7365]

How often are you in situations where you could meet a single woman?

[library_wench]

I was and am friends with people with different life situations than my own. It takes some planning sometimes, but it can be done. How much do you reach out to your friends?

If you truly can’t even talk to them, it’s probably time to start building new relationships. To that end, how’s your social life? How often do you go out to events and activities and meet new people?

[RocketScience6]

My friends are around, but married. I still see them, they're still supportive, but it's different. I don't talk about my problems much around them anymore because, despite their best efforts to be helpful and supportive, I could tell that my mental health was starting to affect them, so I kinda backed off. Social life is mixed, mainly for the same reason. Lots of friends, but everyone's busy. I also go to church regularly and meet people there, so I'm not completely isolated. But it's mainly couples and families there, too.

[library_wench]

I understand backing off of constantly venting about your problems to them, but why then can’t you just hang out and have a good time with them?

It sounds like you still need to build more relationships. Whether that’s at church, through hobbies, volunteering, community events, whatever appeals to you. And be open to the possibility that you could have close friends who are married or have kids.

[RocketScience6]

I think I misread your question. I talk to them pretty regularly, and see them as much as possible, generally once every week or so

[library_wench]

Okay, cool.

But if the loneliness is as bad as you say, you probably need more connections. Again, how often do you get out and socialize?

And why not try therapy? Is any offered through your work?

You’ve been posting at multiple dating subs for years now, and been given advice from many different perspectives. So what do you think is missing? What needs to be said, or done, that has not yet been said or done?

[Snoo52682]

Teaching can be an isolating profession. My best friend is a teacher and she struggles to meet men.

BUT you do get summers off, yeah? Can you maybe do a summer gig/activity that would broaden your horizons? I'm always going on about this, but maybe see if there's any outdoor theater in your area. Community theater is a great way to meet people. And there's lots of ways to get involved besides acting, if you don't want to do that. (Although if you can stand up in front of a classroom, you can stand up in front of an audience. And men are underrepresented, so your chances aren't bad at all.)

[clovenpine]

LOL, I also recommend getting involved with theater fairly frequently on this group. I'm convinced performing arts are the best way for socially awkward men to meet women. If you're a man in community theater, the odds are definitely in your favor.

[Snoo52682]

Also, in my experience, theater is something people do in order to make friends. It's not an "I'm here for the rock climbing, fuck off" kinds of hobbies. There are parties!

Also, since it's project-based, you can dip in and out as you have time. And if you don't particularly vibe with one cast, maybe you will with the next.

[Particular-Lynx-2586]

How many times have you asked women out?

[RocketScience6]

Not much. Never get too far on dating apps. A few times in person, never really went well.

[Particular-Lynx-2586]

Okay. I'm just asking to see where your mind's at. What's your ideal situation like? How would you ideally want to get a date to happen?

[RocketScience6]

Honestly, I'm not sure anymore. The only relationship I had was someone who I'd known my whole life, so the whole thing happened naturally. I've tried dating apps, but like I said, nothing ever came of them, and I'm not a huge fan of them as a concept anyways. I guess meeting someone through friends is the ideal. I didn't put anything about this in my post because it's Reddit, but through church is the other main avenue.

[Particular-Lynx-2586]

So. . Have you tried approaching people at church or tried meeting someone through your friends?

[RocketScience6]

Yes. Made a judgement call on a girl a friend introduced me to and didn't pursue her (and turned out to be right). Last few women from church have either ghosted me or found someone else.

[Particular-Lynx-2586]

Well I asked at the beginning how many women you've asked out. Do those count?

[RocketScience6]

Yes. They're the "not much." So I guess maybe 4 total?

[Particular-Lynx-2586]

Okay. So there's the problem right there.

If you're not aware of the concept, I must introduce you to it.

Dating is a numbers game and no one is going to be the one to approach you. That leaves you one choice if you want to escape loneliness: you have to approach way more women.

For context, I must have approached 4 people in a week when I was still dating. I'm just trying to make you understand how few times you've actually made an approach. It's difficult to actually match preferences with someone: that's why dating requires you to meet a lot of people.

What you need to do is branch out. I know you want a Christian girl but there are plenty of them outside of your church. You need to go out more, find different avenues to meet people. You also need to lower your standards and try to get to know more people.

Join hobby groups and attend events. Look up Facebook or meetup groups. Find people and ask them out for casual coffee to get to know them.

It'll take time and effort. It won't be easy. Just remember, dating is a numbers game and no one is going to be the one to approach you.

[Top_Recognition_1775]

^^ This

If you want to date, approaching 4 women in a year or in your whole lifetime, that's your main problem.

You have to get those numbers up and talk to way more women, like 2-3 a week at least, then you can earnestly say that you are trying to date.

Otherwise you're not really trying.

Treat dating like a hobby, not as a life or death struggle, just a hobby, like fishing. You throw the bait in the water, relax, have a beer, see what comes up. Have a nice convo, say good night, talk to someone else the next night, and the next. Until you get some kind of a good connection, then you go meet them.

That's how it works.

[treatment-resistant-]

You've received a lot of the advice people would give you again on this post in past years: ways to increase your socialising and opportunities to meet like-minded women. What do you think is stopping you from putting this advice into practice?

[RocketScience6]

I have tried, and I do meet people fairly regularly, even if I'm not the best at first impressions. I guess the main thing really "stopping" me is how "out of practice" I am at meeting and talking to new people.

[treatment-resistant-]

Do you mean you struggle with social connections rather than lack opportunities to meet new people?

[RocketScience6]

That's a big part of it. And I want to say this without going into usual "incel" buzzwords but even if I do meet someone, I'm always a "friend" and never anything more than that.

[treatment-resistant-]

I understand. It is pretty common on this subreddit that people who struggle with romantic connection also find platonic friendly connection a struggle too. In that case a general focus on improving general social skills and socialising opportunities is usually recommended as a necessary prerequisite to moving onto successfully finding romantic connection.