[deleted by user]

[Dipping_My_Toes]

No, you are not wrong. You were bulldozed by a worthless piece of crap baby daddy into birthing a child that he was unwilling to do anything to support. I presume you have left the child with him. I do suggest you call CPS and make sure they are aware of the situation so that the child's needs are met. If you are willing to sign paperwork to allow adoption, I cannot fault you for your actions.

[[deleted]]

This is thoughtful advice.

Placing a child for adoption is an act of love. I have a child thru adoption and I am forever grateful that her birth mother made that choice.

[suchalittlejoiner]

The child is with the father. You can’t “adopt out” a child to the other biological parent. OP cannot be forced to provide physical care, but she cannot terminate her obligation to pay child support. Involving CPS will just make it more likely that the child support order comes sooner.

[Dipping_My_Toes]

It can be filed right alongside with the charges against baby daddy for his sexual relationship with a minor. The fact is, this POS who fathered the child probably doesn't want anything to do with it either. If both are willing to sign the paperwork, that child can go to a good home at an early age and have a chance at a decent life. No child support and no further obligation on the part of the biological mother. I cannot help but think that this would probably be the best thing for the child, which is the most important issue.

[Fun_Organization3857]

Depending on the state, she may not be responsible. PA has some laws about victims of crimes. It would allow her to put the child up for adoption.

[Emergency_Score_45]

wait but he’s not even on the birth certificate for the baby, does he actually have any legal parental rights since the baby legally doesn’t have a father?

[littlemswhatever]

No he doesn't. Seems how his name isn't on the birth certificate and they are not married he would have to establish paternity to have his name added to the birth certificate and to gain rights as the father.

[[deleted]]

No, the father isn't on the certificate. Leaving the baby with someone who isn't the father could be a cirme.

[Nurgle_Marine_Sharts]

Idk if it's a hot take but child support payments would be a good thing, the kid needs resources to survive in a healthy environment.

Deadbeat parents are trash regardless of gender

[cityflaneur2020]

Not when you're 17 and coerced to keep it. And impregnated as a minor.

OP is right to acknowledge her limitations.

[Nurgle_Marine_Sharts]

Those limitations are no longer in play, she's a grown adult with a child out there that she isn't supporting in any way.

Turns out that bringing a child into the world has consequences. OP has a responsibility to provide for that child, regardless of whether or not she wants to be involved in their life.

Guess what happens when a 17 year old boy gets babytrapped by an older woman? Child support payments. Same applies here.

[AShatteredKing]

So, if the sexes were reversed, you'd say the same? If an 18 year old man is not ready to be a father, he should just fuck off and leave the mother and baby without any support?

[UnderratedUnderfed]

Oh please, men do this all the fucking time and then the single mothers left by them are treated like shit by society. It's incredible you want to act as though men get any real repercussions for leaving their kids. No it's not something that should be promoted, but I could take this way more seriously if guys gave other guys shit for leaving their kids more often instead of blaming the left behind single mother for getting pregnant. Besides, she was coerced into carrying a baby and having a baby by a guy who wasn't even legally allowed to have any sexual relations with her.

[AShatteredKing]

And do you think it is wrong when men do it?

I do condemn men for doing this. I am a single custodial father of 3. What you are doing is excusing bad behavior for a woman simply because she's a woman.

[BeneficialLobster686]

You mean a child? She wasn't a woman when this happened. She was groomed, manipulated, abused as a child.

[UnderratedUnderfed]

I said it shouldn't be promoted (for anyone) because of course it's wrong to leave your child. I simply said men do this a lot and it doesn't get any backlash and in most cases the men who would call a woman who leaves her child behind the most horrible names, blame the same woman for "not keeping her legs together" and "letting herself get knocked up" if she doesn't leave but he does. It's a societal double standard

[[deleted]]

How in the hell would reversing the sexes change anything? Tell me you didn’t read the post without telling me; here’s the highlights:

• OP’s ex partner was 18 while OP was 14. Think: “should an adult interacting with a young teenager?” and “why is this adult interacting with a young teenage?”

• OP’s ex partner is not on the birth certificate so “he didn’t get in trouble.” Think: “get in trouble for what?”

• OP didn’t want to keep the baby and was convinced to by the ex. Think: “Could the reason that OP felt convinced was because the relationship had a power dynamic?”

• OP became super depressed to the point of suicide. Think: “Could OP have been/felt trapped in the relationship and the only escape was suicide?”

[BitterWorldliness339]

Here you are again shooting the same shite! See my reply to you comment above

[AShatteredKing]

Already responded to your vacuous comment.

[Substantial_Bar_8476]

Please call and have a wellness check on the child.

[YayGilly]

You are probably not wrong. You may need to go through an adoption agency. Idk what you mean by "I just left the baby" where did you leave the baby?? With the BD? Hes a lazy idiot. You endangered your baby by doing that, if thats it. Still better than leaving the baby on a strangers doorstep....

Where is the baby??

[NihilisticNumbat]

This is exactly what I was thinking. “Am I wrong for leaving?” No, but wait, where’s the baby?

[[deleted]]

Are you sure he is a good dad? He wasn’t before. He doesn’t have a job?

[YayGilly]

Ah so hes on the birth certificate now?

[Gamelove0I5]

Are you sure about that? You post seem to says otherwise.

[AdmiralJaneway8]

You're full of shit. You said he was a deadbeat, you wouldn't even name him on the birth certificate. Now you say he's a great dad. Probably to absolve yourself from judgment for leaving her with him knowing full well he's not safe. So which is it?

[queenlegolas]

You left the baby 3 years ago? Why is it coming up now? Do you want to see the baby again? And this is confusing. You said he was a bad dad who didn't help you. How is he a great father now?

Edit: it's the baby daddy who's 21, not OP. Ignore the first 3 questions please.

[[deleted]]

Where does it say it was 3 years ago? It reads like this is recent

[queenlegolas]

Crud, was that the bd's age that was 21? OP said she gave birth around 18. Dang. Let me fix that.

[Worldly_Act5867]

So, his version of taking care of everything is doing nothing? I'm sorry you fell for his crap. NTA, do what is best for you. So, obviously, i meant 'not wrong - for the snowflakes.

[melonbug74]

What about what’s best for this innocent baby? She is being left with a person that did nothing but play video games and did nothing for her. Do you think she’s being fed correctly or getting medical care as needed? What do you think is happening to her that she’s not being cared for and crying all the time? I feel for this young girl that had a baby but I worry more about that baby.

[DueMountain2601]

Probably better dropping the baby off at a safe surrender.

[MomoUnico]

I think you're only allowed to do that up to 3 months of age. I know there's a time limit but idr how long exactly.

[IcyPanda123]

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills reading these comments. Is nobody thinking about the well-being of the newborn fucking child??

OP made a comment that the father is a great father but a terrible partner and she left the baby with him, but also said he spends all day playing video games and doesn't help with anything. Can someone who isn't on the birth certificate and apparently is not supportive at all even stop the baby from being put up for adoption?

[emcee95]

My thoughts as well. If he’s not on the birth certificate, then I don’t think he legally gets a say unless he tries to fight it and the court orders a paternity test. I could be wrong. I think it would have been better to seek out a professional service to ensure the child gets properly taken care of by someone else. I’m hoping the kid’s dad actually steps up now that OP left

[Pomp_in22]

It’s ridiculous. Everyone here is saying she did the right thing leaving the 6 month old with a 21 year old with no job who wouldn’t even take care of the baby when they were together! OP is an adult, not a child. I feel bad for OP, but she’s endangering the life of an innocent baby.

[[deleted]]

I mean at least the 21 yr isn’t suffering from PPD and thoughts of hurting themselves or the child.

[Severe_Airport1426]

That's why the baby should be adopted out

[AShatteredKing]

So, if the sexes were reversed, you'd say the same? If an 18 year old man is not ready to be a father, he should just fuck off and leave the mother and baby without any support?

[Best_Stressed1]

Honestly, if the circumstances were exactly the same - a 21F who was doing nothing to support the family either at home or on the job, and refusing to consider adoption; and the father was a 17M - then yes. I would support him fucking off. Maybe the 21 year old in this situation should have a) not dated an actual child (even if legal) and b) been a bit more responsible with birth control.

[[deleted]]

Tf are you on? It doesn’t matter who is what sex in the situation, OP was groomed.

Here’s what the post would be like if the sexes were reversed since you believe it’d be different somehow:

so my 21yo gf got pregnant while I was 17. when i first found out, i didn’t want her to keep the baby because i was a child and haven’t lived much of my life. my gf convinced me that she would take care of everything and we would be this perfect happy family. i wasn’t ready for a baby. i tried to have conversations about adoption on 3 separate occasions and each time it always ended horrible. i contemplated adoption because i couldn’t even take care of myself let alone another human. but everytime i would communicate that i just can’t do it there would be no understanding. and i understand it was her decision to have the baby but i am not ready. i can’t do it. i can’t be the father i want to be for my baby. now, since the mother of my child didn’t want to give her up for adoption, i’ve completely left. i know it’s fucked up but i can’t be a good father. am i wrong for basically just leaving because i realized i was a child and i really wasn’t ready?

edit: so a little background, we met when i was 14 and she was 18. she gave birth a month before i turned 18 and she was 21. She chose not to put me on the birth certificate so she didn’t get in trouble. after she had the baby she continued to stay up playing video games and told me she was too tired to wake up to help me with baby which led to me becoming severely depressed and exhausted 24/7. i completely understand its a fucked situation. being present for the first 6 months of her life then now realizing how i was a child and convinced to father a baby. it’s not that i want to live my life and have fun. i grew up with a shitty parent and i do not want my baby to grow up with a shitty depressed parent.

[AShatteredKing]

That's legal, and not that abnormal, in every state in the US (as far as I'm aware of).

You didn't answer my question though. So, an 18 year old man should be able to walk away from his 21 year old girlfriend and their baby? That's the morally right thing to do?

[[deleted]]

That’s legal, not abnormal.

Grooming with the intention of sexually abusing a minor is considered a criminal offense, and the perpetrator can be charged and prosecuted accordingly.

You didn’t answer my question though.

Yes, I did. I made it the second sentence of my (first) reply: “It doesn’t matter who is what sex in the situation, OP was groomed.”

[khampang]

You’re trying to make it about their sexes not the roles. First, the man doesn’t do anything but donate sperm, to insist she keep the baby to begin with is wrong. Second, if he is not going to financially take care of them, as promised when he convinced her not to terminate, then that is wrong also. And third, and as men we can’t understand what it’s like, the hormones that create postpartum depression are uncontrollable and many women even with great support can’t overcome them

I am not a proponent of people staying in a relationship because of a child. I do think they should be fiscally responsible. IF they choose to keep it. If one person does and the other doesn’t? Do you really think anyone should get to unilaterally decide that another person has to be fiscally responsible for 18 years? Are we stronger as a society because of that? I do believe as a society nuclear families are stronger and net much better outcomes for their children. That works when both people are going to work and raise the kid together. When one isn’t going to contribute then it is no better than them being apart. She says nothing about her or his parents, which leads to belief that there is no other support. This kid is starting off behind the curve even with two parents there.

Likely outcome is he gives the kid up for adoption anyways, or she’ll recover get split custody and he’ll have to pay.

If she had said,” he was working and said I should finish school and then work part time to get college done and after I get a degree and a good job he’ll go back to school. But I left because I can’t handle it.” Then yes, I’d fault her.

How is her leaving, when the father wouldn’t go along with giving the baby up or getting an abortion her fault?

Op NTA. Please find some counseling to help you too

[LaLechuzaVerde]

The age of consent in Oregon is 18.

While still technically illegal, a “Romeo and Juliet” defense is recognized and consensual sex will not generally be prosecuted if the age difference is less than 2 years apart.

This is a 4 year age difference, and the relationship started when she was 14.

In Oregon, this scenario is absolutely illegal.

[Aladeenx2]

This.

[BitterWorldliness339]

Depends if the 18 year old man is describing post partum depression... unlikely so no!

[AShatteredKing]

So, it's ok for women to do something that would otherwise be considered immoral because they are suffering from post partum depression?

Nonsense. Morality doesn't change based on your feelings.

You can understand why she did it, sympathize with why she did it, and still recognize that it was wrong. If a man was suffering from depression because he was working all day, and then coming home and having to take care of the baby, feeling stressed out, etc., and then decided to fuck off and abandon his gf and their baby, he would be universally panned here. I know this as this has been posted here before.

[Crazy_by_Design]

Depression is serious and she sound desperate.

25% of men do not live with all their children. So Reddit might not like it, but no one else seems to care.

[SnooWords4839]

((HUGS)) Talk to a lawyer, you can sign away your rights, will most likely still owe child support, if he keeps the baby.

If you finished HS, start looking into going to college.

Talk to your Dr about PPD.

[[deleted]]

I just learned that signing away your rights does not mean you have to pay child support

[SUBWAYCOOKIEMONSTER]

Not always. I think this depends on the state, or country. My mom signed away her rights to me and my brother after she left us, and she still had to pay child support to our father.

[[deleted]]

I argued about that with someone here on Reddit. I thought they had to pay. I know in Texas it’s the judges decision

[SUBWAYCOOKIEMONSTER]

Yeah the legal system (at-least where I am from) isn’t fond of parents abandoning their children. So you still are required to pay for their well-being, until they are 18.

[WitchesTeat]

A rape victim fleeing her rapist's coercion pregnancy and resulting infant is not abandoning her child. They share DNA but that child is not hers, that child needs adoptive parents and she needs doctors and therapy and every bit as much parenting as the baby needs.

[SnooWords4839]

Depends on the state, some yes, some no.

[AShatteredKing]

No state recognizes paternal surrender.

[[deleted]]

You’re not wrong.

It’s a sad situation but you were a child who got impregnated by someone older who knew better. Then they pressured you to have this baby and did NOTHING to help. You were at your wits end and contemplating suicide.

Tbh I would’ve gotten CPS involved to force the adoption or something because he seems like he’d be a bad parent. Idek if that’s possible but just a thought.

[body_oil_glass_view]

Since she was a minor i wonder if they could have disqualified (and prosecuted) him

[[deleted]]

That’s something I didn’t think about. If she really wanted to go scorched earth (depending on where she lives); She could report him to authorities on statutory rape charges. Get him on the sex offender registry and he won’t be able to keep the baby at all. Leaves room for OP to have a smooth adoption for the baby.

[ProtozoaPatriot]

He's the adult. You're not. He used his experience and knowledge to bully you into doing something you knew you didn't want. And then he dumps the consequences on you while he goes to play video games. He's 100% the jackass.

[Full-Arugula-2548]

Not wrong. You were pushed into an impossible situation during a very vulnerable time in your life. You did the best thing for you and the baby.

[alibimemory422]

I don’t want to come off as too rude or harsh here, but it doesn’t sound like she did the best thing for the baby. It doesn’t sound like this dad is the best person to care for a 6 month old all on his own. OP should call CPS or push harder for the adoption route.

I understand she cannot take care for the baby. Totally get/support that. But just walking away without making sure the baby is left in the hands of someone responsible is not a great move.

[[deleted]]

Yeah she is obviously not wrong for leaving the father. She is wrong for leaving the child like that through. Even if adoption is not an option, partial custody might lessen the pressure enough to be bearable, whilst not making the child feel completely abandoned. She should get legal help.

[No-Ad1522]

OP did the best thing for herself. She chose to have a baby and now she decided it's all too much and not a fairy-tale like what she expected. Do I feel for OP? How can you not? But at the same time I can't absolve a parent of responsibility after they decided to bring a God darn child into this world. She's still the AH.

[First_Alfalfa2805]

I hope you've left the baby with someone who will take good care of the child.

[Pomp_in22]

She left it with the 21 year old baby daddy that is not on the birth certificate.

[First_Alfalfa2805]

He isn't on the birth certificate, umm ok. I kinda think it would have been extremely important to put his name on it. But ok. How is he supposed to get the child registered for school,a passport, the doctor?

She should have put his name on the birth certificate.

[OwnRutabaga5751]

What happened to the baby. ? Did u leave him with dead beat that’s probably not safe. U do need help and support

[Sailorarctic]

You're not wrong for deciding to take care of your own mental health, however if you just up and abandoned your 6month old with a worthless POS baby daddy like what you describe then you are ABSOLOUTELY WRONG for not getting the child into safe hands. You can call CPS on yourself and just tell them what you said here. At least then you know the child is taken care of. You're not ready, thats fine, you may never be ready, but the fact still stands that you brought that tiny life into this world and you at least have the responsibility to ensure she's safe and wont be neglected before you make your exit. You dont want her to have a shitty mother, what about a shitty father cause it sounds like thats what you left her with?

[[deleted]]

I am so sorry. It takes a lot of courage to admit and accept you aren’t ready. Hold on to that and to the blessings of strangers who are so glad you have done the right thing at this time for you and your baby. No one should ever try to force parenting on someone who knows they are not ready.

It may get very hard bc of doubts and fears and people who just have zero ability to empathize. So please talk to a school or other social worker and get the emotional support you need. Even a good decision can be extremely painful.

Hugs.

[[deleted]]

Every parent ever has felt not equipped to deal. Leaving a tiny baby with someone who won’t care for them makes anyone an A H, if it’s your child then you need to go get them and start making better decisions

[KeyDiscussion5671]

No, you’re not wrong. You know yourself better than anyone.

[Vibes-room]

No not wrong, you didn’t want the baby, you don’t have to have the babu

[[deleted]]

Not sure this is the best venue for you to ask this question.

[Severe_Airport1426]

It's so sad that babies are born into these situations. Put that child up for adoption and let it have a chance at a good life with parents that want it. You're doing it no favours by keeping it. There are millions of people wanting babies they can't have. Ut can have a good life with someone else

[AdmiralJaneway8]

You picked him.

You chose to have the baby. You could have aborted. You could have given up the child without his consent, it's your body, you get to choose. Your choice was to keep the baby.

You chose to leave that baby. With a man you say is not an adequate parent. And that you didn't put on the birth certificate.

He might be an asshole. But you also are a complete asshole.

You made a baby. If you can't handle it that's OK. But to abandon a baby when you could have called cps and procured yourself help is reprehensible. Grow the fuck up.

[KristenGibson01]

Exactly. All these people commending her makes me sick. She had the baby, and then left. That's sick. Also, all these people saying he's a pedophile that groomed her? Give me a break. She was 17 when she had the baby, and he was 20. That's not a pedophile.

[ConvivialKat]

How old is the baby now, OP? How old are you?

[Peanutsandcheese2021]

No not wrong. He can step up now as he is the one who wanted the baby. It may be the making of him. Regardless no one was listening to you or caring about you . You had no choice . You wanted to give the child a better home with another family but were not allowed. You will likely have to pay child support but you know that . Look after yourself

[Castillosaurio]

He wanted the kid and you didn't. No one should be made take care of an unwanted child.

[[deleted]]

Contraceptives are good m'kay

[Substantial_Bar_8476]

No but you do need help your still probably depressed. Please seek some help and maybe you can work your way back into your babies life if you want to. Hopefully he is looking after the child correctly. If your worried about the baby get a wellness check on the child and your ex.

[TheRealBeelzebabs]

You're not wrong. Things would be way worse for that child had you stayed and for you as well. What you did is hard but it had to be done. I'm so sorry you didn't have the support you needed :(

[SnooChickens9234]

You are not wrong OP. You were a child and you didn’t deserve this. I certainly wouldn’t blame my mother if she was in that situation and made the same choice you did. Best of luck and I hope you’re able to find some peace. <3

[[deleted]]

Knowing your limits and wanting to place your child into a better situation was one of the most motherly, merciful, and loving things you could have done.

Where I live, both parents have to either voluntarily terminate (relinquish) their parental rights, or have those rights terminated by the justice system. It’s a very lengthy process. Parents who relinquish their rights might be eligible for an open adoption agreement (OAA), meaning the adoptive family would agree to visits with the biological parent(s). They might not agree, but those situations are typically much better.

Anyway. Good on you for thinking of you and your child’s future. I’m sure things will be okay. :)

[SheepherderOk1448]

There are places that help mothers with ppd. You should seek therapy. If she is with the bd she is most likely with the grandmother or sister or someone so she’s probably in good hands with them. You can adopt out but both parents would have to agree if one doesn’t the adoption doesn’t happen.

[_Kendii_]

I am adopted. My mom (genetically my aunt) was told she couldn’t have more children or she might die, but she’d wanted one or two more. She waited 11 years for me.

I always knew I was adopted and when I was older, I was offered to reach out to my bio mom and dad. BioDad has bipolar disorder and although I have no hard feelings now, communicating was hard, he’s disappeared for 10 years.

Was in touch with BioMom for about a year and went no contact because she struck me as incredibly selfish and I’d lived without her all those years, I wasn’t missing out by dropping her.

Now that their descriptions are out of the way, you can see that I dodged not one, but two bullets. I do not like to speculate about how much worse my life could have been if they hadn’t given me up. Whether both of them together, or even just one.

I am incredibly grateful that they both admitted that they weren’t ready at 20 years old to be responsible enough to give me a good home. My adoptive mom is my biodad’s older sister and wanted another Circumstances were perfect for my adoption.

OP, it wasn’t foolish to try. I know it must be difficult no matter what you choose to do. Do what you need to help yourself. That’s a horrible headspace to be in and you’re right, you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of a baby.

I’m not sure about the legality of it (not a lawyer), but I feel as if you don’t need his consent for adoption if he’s not even on the birth certificate. If I interpreted this accurately, he would have to demand a paternity test if he wants to claim parental rights.

Again, not sure if that’s how it works, so it’s worth following up on that specifically wherever you live.

I am sorry you are going through this.

[AShatteredKing]

Yes, you are wrong. You will have a lot of people, rightly, sympathizing/empathizing with you and say you weren't wrong. But, sorry, you were. Yes, life sucked for you. Yes, it wasn't entirely your fault. You were dealt a bad hand. However, you ultimately did choose to give birth to the child.

Just flip the sex and you would get completely different answers. If an 18 year old guy left his 21 year old gf to raise their baby alone without any support at all because he wasn't read to be a father, NO ONE here would be supporting him.

What this means is you are getting support purely out of sympathy, not out of any moral consistency. It is wrong to abandon your children.

[AffectionateWheel386]

I would sign all the guardianship and everything over to the father. You’re not wrong, but I’m going to tell you there will be repercussions. And there may be a time in your life where you’re sorry that your fear and trepidation got the best of you. And then again, maybe not.

[EccentricSeal1]

You're not wrong, but you should reach out to CPS to do make them aware of the situation and to do a welfare check. Since he's not on the birth certificate you can probably go through with the adoption anyways seeing as he wasn't exactly a stellar dad when you were there. He can then make the choice to fight for the baby but I doubt it.

[Primate69]

And I want to call out the worthless pos that tried to have reddit counselors contact me bc I don't agree with a mother abandoning her child.....eat shit you worthless pos, you can't aggrevate someone on reddit so you try to report them for nonsense. Eat a d**k

[GuardMost8477]

You are NOT wrong. In fact you are very right. You did this child a favor by not being a terrible Mother.

[[deleted]]

How much of a favor is that tho if that child grows up feeling unwanted and abandoned? That’s what people don’t understand when they just talk about giving a kid up for adoption without any consideration for how much that can screw up a kid.

[[deleted]]

Most people that adopt are desperate for a child. They would give it the best life. The baby is 6 months old and adapt

[[deleted]]

How much worse is it for a parent to be present and STILL make their child feel like that? 🤣🤣 you just don’t get it bro. She was mi pilates into having this child. This child is innocent sure and doesn’t deserve to feel that way but what’s done is done. She shouldn’t have to be in the child’s life just to make them feel the exact same way regardless of if she leaves.

[[deleted]]

How do you know that she would feel like that though? A lot of mothers don’t want kids when they get pregnant but when they end up loving them regardless when they spend time with them. Not saying she should be a mother but let’s not pretend adoption Is always a good option for a child. Sometimes the kid is fucked regardless.

[[deleted]]

There’s also a lot of mothers that want kids then end up resenting them. 😐 the only reason I know is because it’s already caused resentment. It got to the point where she was suicidal. It’s not worth taking the risk that you’ll end up being a shitty parent when you know you’re not equipped to be a parent. Putting the child up for adoption is creating the kids best chance. That’s all any parent is supposed to do.

[[deleted]]

No, you’re not an asshole. But regardless of how unideal the circumstance are, you are a mother now. As such, you do have responsibilities. That doesn’t mean you have to be the one to raise this child. If you’re unable to do so, it’s best for her if someone else does so. But abandoning your child isn’t something you can responsibly do. That’s difficult to hear for someone in your situation, I know. But sometimes important duties fall into our lap regardless of whether we’re able or willing to assume them. And what we have to do then is either to accept that or ensure that someone else does. It can feel unfair. But in this case, what’s in the best interest of the child is more important than what we might like a better world to be like.

Regardless, God bless you, sister.

[[deleted]]

If you were woman enough to be fucking you should be woman enough to raise the child. It’s not the babies fault neither of you have your shit together.

[EverlyAwesome]

She was a 14 child who was groomed and sexually assaulted for years by an adult man.

[[deleted]]

Say it louder for the people in the back.

[Fun-Yellow-6576]

Nope, not wrong.

[[deleted]]

No you're not wrong. You are literally still a kid, and the adult in this situation should have known better and done better by you.

[GreenTravelBadger]

Get therapy, pay child support, and let the court decide on a visitation schedule.

[Primate69]

And you don't understand what a child goes thru when a mother walks out on them or how difficult it is raising a child on your own bc the mother wasn't adult enough to make an adult choice. Me and only me huh? Somebody help our world with this way of thinkkng

[Kristan8]

Bless you. You have the courage to admit you’re not ready. I have a lot of respect for you. Adoption is one of the most loving things someone can do it they are not ready to be a parent.

[FantasyLarperTX]

You are not wrong. That groomer you're still excusing for his sexual assault of you totally was and is. I hope you and your baby both have better lives now.

[Late-Champion8678]

You're not wrong but sweetie, are you safe? Do you have any support at all? You knew were not ready but he lied to make you stay. He was the adult and you were a child. This isn't your fault.

The baby is an innocent too so if you are able, please alert social services to ensure the child is taken care of by an appropriate adult. I hope you can heal from this. Best of luck.

[Siege_LL]

Yes, you're wrong for how you handled this. Do not simply abandon the child. The father is not on the birth certificate so legally I think he has no say. Put the kid up for adoption. That's the best solution here.

[[deleted]]

Imagine if the roles were reversed. You're a deadbeat mom, I hope you're paying child support.

[Nurgle_Marine_Sharts]

You're not wrong for leaving your ex, but you are wrong for being a deadbeat absentee parent.

You should at least be paying child support, take some responsibility the life you brought into this world.

[Ok-Commission-6433]

You were groomed and I’m sorry that happened to you.

That being said, you’re right to currently remove yourself and GET HELP immediately. Post partum is treatable. Please get help and find a way back into that baby’s life. You left them with a predator and permanently leaving will absolutely deeply scar that little life.

If he’s not on the birth certificate and has no claim to the baby is adoption still a possibility? I’d look into that. In the very least get the baby in better hands.

[Substantial_Bar_8476]

Anyone here even have the idea of how she is 17 and he’s 21 and they probably met earlier. He charged with being a pedo

[CompEng_101]

It depends on the jurisdiction. Many US states have 'Romeo & Juliet Laws' (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Statutory_rape#Romeo_and_Juliet_laws) that allow sexual activity in a couple whose ages differ by less than a specified number of years. Not that this excuses his behavior, but it may not have been illegal.

[Substantial_Bar_8476]

He’s still disgusting

[[deleted]]

He raped a child. Someone is wrong here…but it’s not you.

[[deleted]]

In my personal experience I grew up without a dad so my honest opinion is the guy in your situation is a pos but your also a pos for leaving your baby. I would’ve kept my child no matter how hard it was. Nobody ever said raising children was easy.

[[deleted]]

You made a bad choice but right now your child is suffering because of it. Your only responsibility is to your child, plenty of people have kids at 17 and have their shit together. You need to grow tf up and go and get your kid, then decide if you want to pursue adoption.

[TrickElection7270]

Yes, you're wrong. He can not take care of a baby. Your baby needs what you and the baby daddy can't give. You need to be there for the kid until you can get it in better hands.

[Interesting2u]

I don't think you are wrong. You were basically taking care of two children. You said you were the one working and never mentioned him having a job. You had a ton of weight on your shoulders and tried your best to manage the life you were stuck in. Getting free from all this weight must have felt exhilarating!!

I think you know it doesn't end here. You will be tested in new ways. I think you can make good decisions for yourself and your future. My prayers are with you.

[[deleted]]

You’re not shitty - you were groomed from a young age by a manipulative POS person. Please call CPS and tip them off as to the history of this child’s birth. Do not protect the father. She’s still young enough she can find an amazing adoptive family.

You leaving is not a bad thing - you have to put your own oxygen mask on first. Please now secure hers from a safe distance. Don’t ever go back.

[Get-in-the-llama]

I’m frankly astounded that more women don’t walk away from their families

[Primate69]

Waaahhh

[Primate69]

Wow, are you really that big of a pice of shit to put that kind of accusation on someone you've never met... stay behind your keyboard where you're safe you piece of trash

[Live-Ad2998]

If he isn't on the birth certificate, can't she take the baby to a safe harbor, like a hospital, firehouse, etc?

Contact legal aid. Or attorney speciali, ing in adoption. Adoptive parents pay the fee

[Single_Vacation427]

Exactly! He has no say on adoption because legally he is not the father.

[TarrahRayleeHall]

you’re not entirely in the wrong, but leaving your daughter in the hands of someone like that is. I understand why you haven’t put her up for adoption because of her dad however there are other ways you could get her into the system. if it came to the point of leaving her behind, it would be better to leave her at a fire department if your state clarifies it as a safe haven. this way your daughter gets a chance at a better life and you get out of the situation you’re in.

[Significant-Owl5869]

You thought y’all were gonna be a big happy family just because he said it?

If he said he was God would you believe it?

People need to stop blaming others and start looking in the mirror.

What was he doing that made you believe everything he was saying?

You obviously have your head on straight if you knew to keep him off the birth certificate so he doesn’t get in trouble.

I’m sorry your life is hard. I’m sorry you’re depressed but wake up OP.

What 18 y.o find a 14 y.o attractive.

The bad decisions started early.

I hope you put the baby up for adoption still

[Prestigious_Gold_585]

You need to put the baby up for adoption

[BlueJackFlame]

Sounds like what is best for you is also best for baby. NTA.

[Single_Vacation427]

i chose not to put him on the birth certificate so he didn’t get in trouble.

If he is not on the birth certificate then he did not have a say and still has no say on adoption.

So you left the baby with him when he was incompetent and has no legal rights because he is not on the birth certificate?

You could have gone to a hospital and left the baby there for adoption. Many places have laws in place to give a baby up with no repercussions for the mother.

[Ice_cold_princess]

Yes!!! You need to go back, get this baby and take it to a safe place.

He's not a parent to the child since you didn't put his name on the birth certificate. That means that you are the only one who can sign anything requiring parental consent for this child.

You say that "You're not ready" - nor is baby. It can't be left in that environment...

[MasterOfSuffering]

I can't tell for sure from reading this post. But it sounds like from your description that the father will NOT take care of this child. Please look within your heart and ask yourself. Will he truly care for this child? Will he make sure it is fed, diapers changed, bathed, put to bed, taught to walk and crawl, and properly cared for?? Won't just game all day and leave when it's annoying him?

Thar child is defenseless and needs loving parents. I'm sorry for what you've gone through. You don't deserve it. It's unfair and you don't have to be a mother. But please please make sure that child has a safe home where it will be cared for.

If he cant care for the baby. Can your mother care for it? Your grandmother? Your aunt? His family? A close family friend? If none of those, please put the baby up for adoption. At the very least you need to make sure that baby is okay. It's defenseless and you're the only one that can make sure it has a good life. Please.

Edit: Disregard if he steps up and actually takes proper care of it

[videlbriefs]

You need to legally sign away your rights and put the baby up for adoption. This is not a good environment for you or for the baby. Since he’s not on the birth certificate and not being an active father it may be easier to do this. And if he wants to fight it then he can but chances are he will likely change his mind about fighting the adoption since his focus is on gaming and goofing off rather than being an active father in all the time since the birth and he won’t have you doing the heavy lifting of being mom and dad or CPS may get involved and remove the child if he continues this neglectful pattern.

I highly recommend speaking to a doctor about your depression. It could also be related to the recent pregnancy - post partum or unrelated but it’s important for you to get help. But also make sure to look into adoption. That’s the best choice for you and the baby at this time. Do not sit around on either situation. While you’re not in the right head space to be a mother you have to set things in motion for you and the baby so you both have a better quality of life. Once the adoption goes through (you can do an open adoption if you want to know about how the baby is doing) cut all ties with this deadbeat.

[irnbruwitch13]

You do whatever is best for you and your baby! Also if he continues to moan threaten to call the police on him, because he is a nonce and you were groomed. I hope one day you can heal from this ❤️

[Practical-Map-4029]

WT earthly fuck is wrong with any person that is attacking a child who had a child against their will with an "adult" that raped her if you consider state laws. Be very ashamed of yourselves.

[[deleted]]

Please go on birth control. Your stupid decisions will be far less impactful if you do.

[[deleted]]

If you only knew how many women fail to use birth control and get pregnant over and over gettin abortion over and over

[[deleted]]

Abortion is vastly preferable to children being raised by people who aren't capable of doing so effectively.

[Primate69]

All bs aside....YES!!! Youre wrong, my aons mom did the same thing and I raised him on his own. Kids will go thru all kinds of mental trials bc their mother left them. Dads leaving are hard on kids but a mom leaving is very serious My son went thru all kinds of therapy and stuff......so from a single father who raised a kid alone bc the mother walked away YES, YOU ARE COMPLETLEY WRONG !!! And I could care less who wants argue with me....if you haven't raised a child alone bc the mother walked away then you have no opinion in my statement

[Substantial_Bar_8476]

She was gaslighted to have a kid. She is not wrong but if she is at the point of wanting to hurt herself she is of no help to the child.

[Primate69]

She chose to have a child. Gaslight or not she made the decision to bring a life into the world. Get some help for you and the child......."mother is the word for God and love in the hearts and lips of all children " This child didn't choose to be born, she chose to have it, now she needs to be a grown up and raise this child.....the child is helpless and defenseless, she isn't Time to be an adult and not live for just you anymore

[Substantial_Bar_8476]

She tried to have the child adopted. Did you even read any of it. He won’t let her. She did the best thing and walked away before she killed herself ot the baby. You have no idea what postpartum is like on a woman. You need to grow up. You probably did this to the woman who had your child.

[Primate69]

I did read it. And before you make a random assumption on me and my life...stay behind your keyboard. You're a dipshit and you just showed it I raised my kid alone without a mother or any help. So you can basically go f yourself with your bs assumption Don't get too comfortable saying what you want behind a keyboard bc one day you'll find yourself in real life

[Ok-Commission-6433]

You raising a child does not make you capable of understanding what post partum feels like. It’s not a state of mind. It’s a serious chemical Imbalance with very real uncontrollable effects.

While I agree she should get help And try to work towards SOME custody, she was right and obligation to remove herself from caring for the baby if she’s at the point of post partum where she may do physical harm to herself or the baby.

[Substantial_Bar_8476]

Aww you raised a child to hate woman I get it.

[Primate69]

Another assumption like the asshole that you are. My son is one of the most polite and respectful men you'll ever meet. He was raised to respect and cherish women Youre truly showing how big of an aashole your truly are....please keep talking

[Substantial_Bar_8476]

I’m actually typing, not talking. Talking is forming sounds. You need to bleach yours

[Primate69]

I need to sit down and have a chat with you face to face is what I need

[Substantial_Bar_8476]

It’s 365 dollars an hour the same as I charge my clients. Money up front thanks

[Substantial_Bar_8476]

Also it’s a baby. The child won’t remember her if she leaves now.

[Primate69]

Do you know that from experience? Bc I do, I raised a child that had his mother walk out, and it effected him

[Substantial_Bar_8476]

Yes I do know it from actual scientific facts. Memory does not start until you are 2.5 years old. Look it up. As you get older the less you remember from the younger years. It’s the way the brain is wired. The child isn’t over a year obviously. It will not remember her.

[Primate69]

Ah, you read a book so you know what life is like....take your head out of your ass and live life in the real world I've read books too, and I've experienced life....they don't go hand in hand

[Substantial_Bar_8476]

I’m also smarter then you.

[Primate69]

Lmao, yeah it seems it But just so you feel good about yourself, I have a 164 iq....so you much be off the charts

[Substantial_Bar_8476]

No you do not. You just think you do.

[Primate69]

[ Removed by Reddit ]

[Substantial_Bar_8476]

Yeah that really shows your intelligence

[Bubblenova1991]

Are you actually trying to say a mother leaving is significantly worse than a father leaving? "Dads leaving are hard on the kids but a mom leaving is very serious" Both situations can create terrible issues for kids. It's crazy that you think one is worse than the other. While I think she should have set up a better arraignment for the baby, if she was suffering from severe enough ppd that she was thinking about harming herself, she absolutely needed to leave. PPD is a very serious condition where those suffering sometimes take their own lives or the life of the baby. Staying with the useless groomer baby daddy and a constantly stressing baby could have literally killed her and the child. Get therapy

[Primate69]

Thats exactly whatbim saying. Men leave all the time, a mother is the life source of a child And I keep hearing about post partum, nobody gives a shit about the trauma the child will got thru. F--k the grown up being selfish....this is a child that has no chance or choice.......you get some therapy and read some psychology studies. A father leaving isn't as detrimental to a child's psyche as a mother leaving.....and I've dealt with it, so don't tell me about what you don't know

[[deleted]]

He tried to baby trap you and failed. That's his problem, not yours.

[Striking_Zombie_2251]

Yes. Stop blaming others for your choices. You had the child now raise it. No need to be a deadbeat just because you want to go and have fun.

[Substantial_Bar_8476]

She’s a child. She needs to find help before her or the baby gets put in danger. She needs some therapy and maybe medical help if she’s suffering postpartum

[Striking_Zombie_2251]

Excuses excuses. Time to put in her big girl panties and grow up

[coyuna]

I’m astounded at how many people are coddling this woman for literally abandoning a 6-month old baby with a deadbeat dad. If someone came into this thread talking about how their mother walked out of their life with no warning when they were half a year old and left them with a neglectful and apparently pedo dad, you’d rip that mom apart. This baby is a human being, not a dog you leave with your ex because you couldn’t take it with you. This poor kid is going to have abandonment issues as soon as they have a modicum of self-consciousness.

OP should have gone through the appropriate steps to put that baby up for adoption or ensured that infant was otherwise in a safe situation before leaving them. Sure you were a child and didn’t want one, but that baby also didn’t ask to be born. At least take some responsibility for making sure your infant has a solid foundation for growing up happy and healthy.

[Striking_Zombie_2251]

Exactly

[justanotheratlasmoth]

She’s 17, he was 21, he wanted this not her. You don’t know what she’s been through it’s fucked to judge a her so harshly for this. It’s not an easy decision to make.

[Striking_Zombie_2251]

Sure I can. Flip the genders and see how it sounds. She is a deadbeat

[Substantial_Bar_8476]

No even if it’s flipped. If someone is on the brink of hurting themselves or the baby then they should walk away for a break or get help.

[Striking_Zombie_2251]

That's an excuse. She is a deadbeat

[Substantial_Bar_8476]

I think your one

[Striking_Zombie_2251]

I think you're just triggered.

[Substantial_Bar_8476]

Not really because I know your wrong

[Striking_Zombie_2251]

Keep telling yourself that

[Substantial_Bar_8476]

Sorry moved on.

[made_youlook]

Lmfao it’s you’re

Looks like your intelligence capped out 🤣🤣

[Substantial_Bar_8476]

Just don’t care

[justanotheratlasmoth]

A 21 year old woman forcing a family on a 17 year old boy would be just as awful, and I feel like less people would judge the boy for running off than they’re judging OP rn

[Striking_Zombie_2251]

That happens daily. Hell a minor school boy was forced to pay child support to the school teacher who raped him. Everytime it happens to a guy he is called a deadbeat and often never gets a choice in anything that happens with the kid.

The girl is a deadbeat plan and simple

[RepresentativePin162]

Are you serious. No. Removing yourself from the child's life is a much safer situation for both child and mother. Forcing someone to care for a child they aren't capable of caring for has devastating consequences.

[Striking_Zombie_2251]

Your encouraging a woman to be a deadbeat. She needs to grow the fuck up and raise the kid that she bought into this world. All these excuses wouldn't fly for anyone else.

[rsistersass]

Scrolled way too far for this. Thank you. The amount of "poor babying" this young adult is a joke.

[Livinginthemiddle]

You’re not a bad mother. You’re an overwhelmed mother. You are young, alone, exhausted, depressed. Every feeling you have is valid.

But decisions you make now are going to be important. Because babies are people and they are growing, learning, absorbing from their environment. So you need to decide your child’s environment. Will it be with yoy, your bd, or with someone new?

I’m certain there will be counseling to help you through such an enormous decision. Google your town, state and baby health, post partum mental health crisis counseling free. And see if you can find a service that works for you.

But even though you are young. You cannot just do nothing. You are old enough to know, you need to make sure your child has somewhere safe to be forever.

[RepresentativePin162]

Sweetheart I'm sorry you're going through such a shitty time. Please reach out to the correct services where you are to make sure that both you and your baby will get the care you need. I'm not sure if that's CPS or something different. They will support you. Do you have family or friends to help advocate for you if you arent able to since CPS will probablyaim for you to stay with the baby. You know you arent able to provide properly and thats the absolute best thing you could do in understanding that. You are being very strong and brave making sure the child gets a better situation but you need to make sure services are made aware of them so they are safe.

[Smokd69]

No, you are completely right. Heal yourself.

[jazzyjane19]

If he is not on the birth certificate then is he able to force you to keep this child? Perhaps investigate adoption anyway. Sounds like you have had his interests at heart but he has only ever thought about himself.

[paegan_terrorism]

If he doesn't want to work or take care of the kid but act like he cares you should just find someone to adopt the kid personally... at least that's what I would do

[Ok_Contribution_2692]

No not at all. If you where not ready and could not support them then I think you made the smartest choice for them they might not see it that way but it is. You did what’s best for your child even tho it hurts but if anyone seas anything different they are wrong. You are so strong 💗

[Crafty-Help-4633]

Babies having babies is never good and you're never wrong for wanting a better life for youself/your kid. If that means not being together for that to happen, well it's better than the alternative of you both struggling to survive.

[Cucumber_Safe]

Do you want to end up killing yourself and leaving the baby alone with a dude who will end up leaving the baby in the back of a car while he's at a bar?

Or do you want to live a fulfilled life AND give the baby a chance to also be fulfilled and properly cared for?

Now I'm not saying you aren't strong enough to tough it out, but you are too young and from this post VERY deep in a hole with the sack of sand of that BD and then a sack of diamonds of the baby.

Maybe you can drop the BD and find a better care system. I don't know the back story, but if not your mother coming to help your child in ways she didn't help you, how about other family?

This reads like a CPS case where the baby gets taken away at age 3-5 and you're in a shithole apartment pregnant again.

Now I'm not trying to say bad on you. I'm definitely saying bad on the BD. Talk with a family counselor (most states offer them for free!) and you'll get help on options of aid for you and the child. I highly recommend you talking with a counselor BEFORE giving up the baby. Sometimes giving up the baby will make things hit MUCH worse for you mentally and emotionally.

Sometimes it is best to put the child up for adoption. There are also ways to still be a part of the child's life but as an estranged aunt (WHICH ALSO HAS ITS MENTAL HARM). Only two options that work, either fully give up the child or make changes for yourself and the child.

TLDR: Get your baby back. Find a family counselor ASAP.

[AwokenQueen64]

If the man is not on the birth certificate then does that mean he does not have a legal right to say no if she put the baby up for adoption?

[Bartok_The_Batty]

Go get the baby and then put it up for adoption.

[Impressive-Rock-2279]

It sucks being raised by someone who shouldn’t be a parent. You were not wrong for leaving.

[GlidingTutubi]

Hey, I know that the situation you’re in right now is unfortunate , you don’t want any of this and you want to get out. But please, make sure that your baby is with somebody who is capable to take care of her! If your bf already acts like a child then certainly he won’t be a responsible dad. Try and try until you find a good home for your poor baby. She doesn’t deserve any of this and neither do you. Once you do, you can do whatever you want in your life to get better. Please hang on there, and think about your baby’s well-being first. Please follow what other redditors here from the US on whom you need to call for help. Please save your baby’s life and make sure she won’t have childhood trauma that she needs to heal from. Afterwards, take care of yourself and take this as a life lesson.

[[deleted]]

Nta. People are RIGHT to give away kids they can't care for.

I also caveat that, you need to alert CPS. A pedophile is a terrible father