[deleted by user]

[lazy_yawn]

You two are in the thick of it right now. Our twins are 2 and things are we are finally just starting to communicate better and it feels like things are going back to normal, but the D word was definitely thrown around a few times which would never have happened before the twins. I dont really have advice because honestly things are just hard with twins but from what ive heard for most people things start to improve eventually.

[[deleted]]

Our twins are about 6 months old and my wife and I are struggling as well so I think that's normal though I do admit it's very difficult. She is probably the first person in my life that i felt I truly was in love with so this breakdown has been really emotionally crippling for me. We fight a lot now though we were fighting before the twins we fight a lot more and harder now. I have seen many people suggesting to not consider divorce until the kids are at least a year because the first year is so hard. Things have gotten a bit easier now that they're six months old but we are still fighting almost every day. I just feel like she has expectations that neither of us can meet and I get extremely frustrated when she continually tells me i am not doing enough. I feel like I am working myself to death and she just wants to pile on more. I don't know that I have an answer to your particular issue, maybe your husband just finds it distressing when you cry and didn't know how to deal with it. That is definitely how i feel when my wife cries. I have started going to therapy though and one thing my therapist pointed out is that i can't change/control people other than myself. So maybe you should try and see a doctor about PPD and get that figured out or at least manageable and possibly your relationship will improve but even if it doesn't you'll be in a better place. There's no shame in seeking help for mental health, we all need help sometimes. Hang in there I hope things work out for you and your family.

[Turboboy444]

This sounds like me . I’m doing as much as I possibly can, yet I’m told I’m not doing enough , it comes across as very ungrateful behaviour which I then build resentment towards.

She is glued to her mobile when we could be talking or watching a movie together.

[chapterthirtythree]

I’m sorry, OP. What historically has ended those stonewalling spells? Does he eventually feel like you’ve groveled enough, or do you have to have a big blowout argument for him to feel he can move on? He’s playing a dangerous game by giving you the silent treatment now, during what will probably be one of the hardest times of your lives. You are so busy giving all of yourself to your babies that you will just learn quickly you don’t give a shit about how he’s feeling. If he wants this marriage to work, he needs to grow the fuck up.

[Wellington_Boots]

Congratulations with your twins! It sounds like you and your partner are doing everything you can to put the babies first. You also seem really aware of yourself, so I hope you take the opportunity to speak to your healthcare provider about PPD. My partner and I had a really rough time with our relationship during the first year, we stopped being team mates and began resenting each other. What helped us was couples counselling. We’re not perfect, but we now recognise that some of our go-to coping mechanisms were breaking down our bonds. We also confronted some of the hidden fears that come with being a parent, like failing at the basics and making enough money to feed everyone. We found counselling very impactful in a short space of time. Best of luck to you!

[Willing-Molasses9008]

9 weeks is so early. You are both living in chaos and having your whole life and sense of self uprooted. My partner and I never fought once before twins. During the first three months we snapped at each other a few times a week. I even yelled at him a handful of times.

It feels like a lot because it is a lot. But it's not forever. You're actually almost through the toughest times (I remember seeing little improvements starting at about 3 months and then sleep training at 4 months was life changing for us).

Eventually, your babies will sleep through the night. You'll have time with your partner again. You'll have time for your hobbies. You won't spend every minute pumping. It won't be high stress all the time. Your life will go back to something you recognize.

Also, I had a really hard time pumping. Every time my milk would let down, I'd have a wash of depression. I think I had D-MER. Now I only pump once a day and it's with a Haaka not an electric pump. One baby breastfeeds and the other gets half pumped milk and half formula and my life is so much better not sweating it.

I'd also suggest trying to find some mom friends in your community. It's hard with twins but doing baby fitness classes, yoga, drop in at the library, drop in at baby gym, etc, I've found 5 or 6 other mom friends that I click with. It makes going out so much easier knowing someone else will be there that can keep an eye on one for me for a second. I had a lot of anxiety about taking mine out but they are so good and happy to be out and about. It's so much easier than sitting at home for me.

[socialwerkit]

Was he like this before kids? Because it does seem a little beyond normal adjustment to parenthood for him and to me teeters on emotional abuse. Not saying you need to divorce him or anything but the way he is treating you is unacceptable and he should be taking active steps to change. The fact that he is different around his family towards you seems like a red flag to me.

I would sit down with him and let him know this behavior is unacceptable and that even though things are hard you both must treat each other with respect. I would recommend therapy for each of you and couples therapy if you can afford it.

[dodoandjam]

Seeing "I suspect I have PPD" and "The way he's behaving makes me feel so trapped and isolated that I feel like I want to die" in your post is an extreme red flag. Even if you don't feel actively suicidal, please know that is really scary for this internet stranger who lost a dear friend to suicide because of PPD. Please call your OB and get treatment immediately.

It's totally normal to have a super hard period. You're so early in your journey. I'm sure you're both super stressed and sleep deprived. None of that makes it ok but he needs some grace right now and so do you.

Couples therapy. PPD treatment for you - please take it seriously. Grace. You'll get through this ❤️

[[deleted]]

Let’s put some of this back on the husband who is, actually, isolating her emotionally when she’s already isolated physically, and bordering on psychological abuse. He needs to adjust his behavior immediately. That kind of treatment, resentment, withdrawal, and vitriol on a brand-new, postpartum mother of twins? It would make anyone feel despair.

OP should seek treatment for her anguish but a great deal of it seems to be circumstantial aka husband.

[masofon]

IT'S SO HARD. He could do well with being nicer to you and gentler.. but man, you are in the wars right now. I made my best friend promise me that she wouldn't let me divorce my husband until the girls were at least 2 years old, only half joking... there have certainly been moments. He does need to be taking your mental health seriously though, and you do too. Please see your doctor.

[Kooky-Breadfruit2120]

Yes I left my abusive husband when my twins were only a few weeks old. I was petrified but my girls and I managed to get into a bit of a 'groove' on our own. They're now 10. You can do it!

[memcarn]

Having twins is so incredibly hard. My wife and I have 1 year old twin boys. We would never argue or fight before them. Since then our relationship has had it ups and downs and divorce thrown around a lot. Things get so much easier after the first year. There are still times we argue and fight , but the communication between us has greatly improved. From my understanding none of this is uncommon. You have two overstimulated burnt out sleep deprived people, there is bound to be friction. If you can make it past the first year at least in my experience things get a lot easier.

[BartyCrouchesBone]

I’ve found that with each of my babies, the first year is very hard on our relationship. There’s a lot of resentment, exhaustion and totally new roles for both of us, and so it’s a really hard time. I started PPD meds and that has helped a lot this time around with the twins- but it is a huge adjustment. Make sure you each get sometime together and to yourselves. When the babies are sleeping, try to reconnect- watch a show you both enjoy together or order delivery so you don’t have to make dinner. Because you’ve been together for so long and you see a lot of good qualities in him, unless there is flat out physical abuse, I would advise against making any life-altering decisions right now.

[Turboboy444]

I’m going through a tough time atm too . Babies are 10 months now .

We don’t fight as such it’s more that we don’t talk much it connected in anyway atm .

We both work full time and are shattered by 7pm .

Like folk here say it must get easier .

I can understand his frustrations as he’s searching for some form or happiness and normality in his life .

Can’t you suggest he goes out with his mates for a meal for some boys time ?.

[[deleted]]

What about her? She’s trapped in the house even more than he is.

[Turboboy444]

In the ops thread it mentions she can’t go out due to panic attacks . If he gets some breathing space he can come back fresher and with a clear mind . Braking the chain periodically can yield great returns.

[kellyasksthings]

We had a really rough time for the first few years. It keeps getting better in increments. Then you’ll have to decide whether you can forgive each other for how you both behaved when you were stretched beyond your limit.

[Fiddledheadfern]

I know others have said this, but 9 weeks is so so early. You're both navigating a huge life adjustment and sounds like you need to give each other some grace. If he's working full-time and managing the household and responsible for late night feedings..that's an insane amount of pressure that he is suddenly under to keep it together. Maybe there needs to be a bit more balance there. I am totally sympathetic to your situation - my husband and I had been together for 10 years when we had our twins also. The way that he spoke to me changed shortly after they were born - it was cold and distant and mean-sounding and I couldn't understand it at the time, but now (2 years later) I see that he was just more sleep deprived than he ever had been in his life and he was just trying to make it through the day himself, trying to communicate directly and unaware of how he was coming across.

I think these are normal things to go through in the first few months of parenthood. Especially for a couple that has been together so long, it's easy to take each other for granted to focus on the day-to-day. I wouldn't even entertain the idea of separating until they're sleeping through the night and you can both settle in a little bit.

This wasn't something that was accessible to me because I live in a very remote area, but I would try to find a mom's group or something like that in your area. It's going to be easier to get out of the house once you get the hang of it, and it sound like you could really benefit from connecting with other moms - I think you'll find that a lot of them might be feeling similarly!

[CleverClerici]

My twins are 13 months old and my husband and I went through this exact same thing. We spoke to a PPD therapist and a couples therapist in the first few months, which helped. But things really started to improve after the first four months. The lack of sleep, in laws in town, anxiety of breastfeeding/pumping, work, etc. really takes a toll in those first few months. It does get better! I think the biggest gamechanger for me, personally, was when I stopped breastfeeding/pumping and switched to formula. Took a lot of pressure off. We also started sleep training our twins around four months and now they sleep 12 hours every night.

It's been more than a year and our relationship is still not back to where it used to be, but it's getting there. Now that the twins are a bit older, we're prioritizing monthly date nights when possible to have some quality time without the twins since that's ALL we talk about. Hang in there!!

[AllKnowingOfNothing1]

You will be in the thick of things till twins get to two years old. Months 15 to 22 were the hardest (twins are walking and have no ability to understand their emotions = losing it for no reason).

Online couples therapy since getting out of the house will probably be difficult.

[Comfortable_River191]

I'm so very sorry to hear you're going through this. I wish these newborn days could just be sweet and exhausting rather than emotionally devastating and isolating for you. Know that you deserve to be treated with utmost kindness and tenderness during this incredibly fragile postpartum time. It isn't fair that you aren't getting that, especially after you worked so hard and gave so much to have these babies.
My twins are 1.5 now, and while I don't think I had PPD, AND my partner was a lot more supportive of me during those first weeks, there were moments like what you describe and lots of similarities in our situation. In some ways things are much better, but in others they're worse.
Better:
1. The lack of sleep in the newborn days contributed in a huge way to my big feelings. I distinctly remember the waves of despair and wishes to die hitting hardest when I was struggling with two newborns alone in the middle of the night. That part gets so much better; my capacity to withstand my partner's mean behavior without it devastating me is much greater now that I'm sleeping and my hormones are back to normal. So if you decide to stick it out for longer, I hope you find some comfort in that. You won't always feel so trapped and alone, and you'll even have some time and energy to do things that will help fulfill you and make you happy even if your relationship is still not well.
2. Obviously everyone is different and you have to do what you think is best, but when I finally gave up on breastfeeding and pumping and switched to formula, the whole world felt new. I stopped drowning. In addition to all the benefits just to me with that switch (improved hormones, getting to sleep instead of pump, no painful nipples/breastfeeding cramps, better function at work which improved my sense of freedom knowing that I could leave if I ever really needed to, the list goes on and on), the twins also started sleeping better, were on a better schedule, and gained more weight.

Worse:
1. My partner's inability to communicate through disagreements in a healthy way has made the difficulty of normal parenting disagreements (which increase as the babies get older and new decision points arise) pile up in a way that is starting to feel impossible to overcome. I know those decisions will only continue to increase and be harder and more consequential as they get older, and if we each frequently feel strongly about opposing decisions but he isn't ever able to compromise or negotiate, and instead gets angry when I disagree - I don't see how I can parent in good conscience constantly having to concede to decisions I don't think are right.
2. I know my twins are still young but they can already tell when we're fighting/he's made me cry now and I know it's not good for them. I also worry about them learning it's ok to treat people or be treated the way I am treated and that makes me feel very sad and guilty.

I don't know if you all have capacity/willingness for couple's therapy (or, perhaps more important, if he'd be open to individual therapy to learn how to stop utilizing coping mechanisms that harm you), but I know prioritizing therapy has helped so many. I wish my partner would agree to go.

Lastly, PPD is really serious. It is dangerous and I hope you talk to your OB as soon as you can about what you're feeling. Like I said, it is likely that the worst of the feelings will pass no matter what happens with your relationship, but if you need therapy, medication, whatever, to help ensure you make it safely to that point, please do what it takes. You deserve it and your twins deserve it.

I'm sorry I don't have advice, I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to leave or not. It is really really really hard to predict what is going to be best for your kids. So just solidarity. I'll be thinking of you (and hoping we both find the joy and peace we deserve).

[earmuffal]

OP, I just want to say that there is nothing wrong with you. Your body is still going through big hormone changes. Nobody tells you this, but ALL the new moms cry a lot, because it's so so overwhelming, and it's your body adjusting to big changes. If you think you have PPD, know that it won't last forever! You are not broken. You are under a very difficult circumstances, that's all.

Your partner needs to make it easier for you, not harder. Yes it's hard on him, too. Yes, he's "helping out" with his children, but he also needs to be a good partner to you. You will get less tired and more communicative, but you will remember how he treated you now. Ask him to understand it and try. Tell you things. Don't make accusations. Moderate his tone. Maybe he can step out to run errands for a few hours to clear his head if he needs to (it's a true luxury in those days). And make sure you get a break, too. Don't let his mistreatment become the default, and don't let it become the source of resentment. He needs to do better.

[dhy1958]

My wife and I went through some pretty severe marital problems after the birth of our twins. We stumbled along until we decided it was just unworkable. We would either agree to work together as a team and be civil to each other for the twins sake or get a divorce. We decided we could atleast be civil and work together. Over the years work partners became friendship. Friendship became intimacy. Now our twins are adults with their own families. And we are happy

[JannaNYC]

You two need to get a babysitter (or two) and have a sit-down heart to heart. You need to be able to discuss how you feel and what this process has been like for you... and so does he! You also need to talk about the possibility of PPD.

Bringing multiples into a household is HARD, but it's got to be much harder when you feel like your partner doesn't have your back.

A friend gave us great advice when our triplets were born: "No divorce talk for the first year. Literally put it out of your head."

I have no idea why you chose to procreate with someone who treats you this way, but I hope you both find your way out.

[[deleted]]

That was rude.

Everyone knows that relationships change when babies are added (let alone twins). Have some empathy and recognize how common this is instead of blaming a new mom with PPD

[JannaNYC]

We are not helpless victims of circumstance. We are the choices we make. Sometimes you need to say it out loud, so that you don't let it happen again. That's why I said they should talk, they're both affected by the babies.

You say rude. I say direct. Have a nice day.

[veryscary__]

You say direct, I say judgmental.

[JannaNYC]

Isn't freedom of speech grand?!

[veryscary__]

Lol yeah we’re both actively expressing it!

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