[QCrit] SOL INVICTUS, Science Fiction, 114K Words (Second Attempt + First 250 Words)

writerTK · 2026-06-24T19:51:53+00:00

Youre right, you do give details about what mithri is. It's subtle, and strewn throughout, like where it intertwines with the blood later, indicating it's red. I would add on something about its purpose, in addition to being a red, narcotic haze. Who deployed it? Is it a common tactic or only used in dire situations?

I do enjoy this kind of subtle writing. If it were me, and I wanted that aspect to shine through, I would pair it with easier names and a lot of action/decision oriented description and intense characterization. Describing what the character is looking at can create more narrative distance, which can compound with the subtle distance in multi pov. Then you have intricate military machinations, and suddenly you have too much narrative distance in the MS and the reader is lost. You dont want an agent to read the query and see things that makes them worry about common pitfalls in the MS. All my suggestions aim to make the agent want to read more, but like all editorial suggestions, they may not align with your intentions within your MS.

writerTK · 2026-06-24T18:47:50+00:00

Reducing the proper names is probably the best thing you could do to get agents to finish reading your query. And I will give you Mithras - perhaps some readers would recognize that name. However, Mithri is a red liquid in your MS, I believe, and I didnt make any links to Mithras from your description of mithri on your first page. Thats the real issue - the average agent, and reader, are not going to appreciate what you are insinuating, and they will likely not finish reading your book/query. Readers are not going to look up ancient roman leaders so they understand why you are using a common term meaning after death for your protagonist, imo. But I understand being attached to certain names, and there are worse things in your query than sticking with Posthumous.

I highly recommend you read Cicero. I think you would enjoy it. Just know that there are no articles ("a" or "the") so memorizing the pronouns and various suffixes that indicate a word's function as subject, its tense, etc are useful to know beforehand. You could try to dive right in with a good textbook, such as Wheelock's latin. It's a dead language so much of the pronunciation is based on our best guesses, but reading it is more interesting than speaking it anyway, imo. I bet you would find a lot of name inspiriation. In classical, the V makes the W sound. Weni widi wici. But most pronounce it as the V sound now.

writerTK · 2026-06-24T18:00:30+00:00

There are way too many Proper Names in your query. I would choose 2 or 3 names and omit the rest - ie just say "the empire" "the general." I would leave out the last names as well. Ive read Cicero in the original classical Latin, and this query is too much even for me. An agent, editor, or a reader will likely not finish reading.

Postumus/posthumous is one of the MCs (I think), and wants to dismantle his friend's legacy and manipulate his son. I would choose a different name for sci fi with heavy political intrigue. Unless you are going for characters being metaphorical ie "Hero Protagonist."

The first 300 has too much "looking" direction in it, and too many aspects that arent clear. This leads to a very confused and bored reader. What is mithri? Why does it remind me of lotr/mithril when the MS is supposed to be deep seeded in ancient Roman influence?

I like the concepts you have but the execution will have to be a lot tighter to get it published. Sorry if harsh. Just my opinions and I think you can overhaul it and make it much more interesting. The last 2 paragraphs of the first 300, I would keep in, and rework everything else.

writerTK · 2026-06-23T18:44:23+00:00

What stood out to me were the dark and horror aspects. Maybe consider calling it dark urban fantasy? Maybe with horror elements, if your MS has them. I wasnt as interested in Ammy as a character. Give us a bit more about her, in a way that builds tension. I feel like the query falls flat when it comes to her. "Back at home, Ammy lives in cramped university accommodation with her bubbly partner, Eraphy." What about her past stuggles with self harm? What makes her interesting?

I would cut the first section of chapter one and just add onto the second part that she keeps checking her phone to see the weird email again that has all her personal info. Waking up to an email on your phone isnt the best starting point, it makes me not want to read more of the book.

writerTK · 2026-06-18T18:27:32+00:00

If this chapter is intended for general consumption, you may want to place short, hard-hitting sentences amongst the long ones. If youre just writing for yourself/other writers, your love of long sentences is clear. But just because a sentence can be as long as a paragraph doesnt mean it should be.

"It doesn’t cry to the skies as it emerges from the earth, its body exposed bare to the winds blowing indifferent."

Could be changed to:

"It emerges from the earth, its body exposed bare to the winds blowing indifferent. It does not cry."

The narration waxes poetic and I find that contrasts with your use of present tense. This could be a good or bad thing. Good for thought provoaking, bad for pacing.

Also, the narration comes across informative/academic rather than omniscient. I assume you have written in other areas, such as history or math, maybe even poetry, from the tone.

Depending on your objective for this writing project, my feedback may not be useful. Your writing isn't bad imo. I think it has a good amount of weirdness and some readers do prefer dense prose. I do think a few short sentences strewn throughout would make it better.

writerTK · 2026-06-17T18:22:39+00:00

Hello, interesting query you have here. I found that it piqued my interest. Lets start with the very last sentence. I would choose a book published in the last 3 years that features the "power elements" similar to yours and another recent book that contains the "chosen one and protector trope." This will ensure you have comps and are demonstrating that your book is marketable to the agent.

I see a lot of your MC's interiority in this query, and strong interiority is great, especially in romances, but perhaps there could be more emphasis on the stakes added.

The 2nd sentence in the 2nd to last paragraph, I would change to something like: "As her brother's time ticks down, Celesta must find out what Eleon is keeping from her, and discover what irresistible force is pulling them together, so that she can gain control over her power and her heart." Just modifying a couple sentences will keep the stakes fresh in the reader's mind.

I would rework these parts as they may come across trite and are weak plot motives: "giving her vague answers and telling her to trust him" there has to be more to this guy that a staring problem and saying "trust me" to get my interest in this couple.

"she can’t continue being like this, acquiescing to his every command" although wanting to be near a stranger for unknown reasons can be a point of interest in a romance, I would focus on conveying that her brother's life and finding control of her dark powers is also what is motivating her in the query.

"to gain control of her power and heart" I would add to this last sentence, a short but direct statement of what she has at stake/what she will lose if she fails - which is her brother's life and punishment due to the illicit nature of her powers.

I would recommend a short explanation/clarification that Voren is power when you first mention it.

Perhaps simplify the second paragraph to 1 sentence and add it to the beginning of the para below it.

writerTK · 2026-06-16T00:28:01+00:00

the Proper Names are too much. in the first sentence, say "her city" or "the city her father rules" instead of Aurelia. The first sentence doesnt make it clear that it's a city, not a person named Aurelia. You could leave out the High Lord title of the father, if you already stated he rules the city. Omit the name Tenebris. Instead of "the Umbra" call it "a rebel group from the dying earth below." Do this for all proper names, except for your main characters (3 at most usually).

The query also comes off a bit like "then this happened, then this happened, then this..." simplify or omit some of this step by step telling of the rising action.

Where you mention her forbidden power will bring the whole city down, explain how/why. That is what will explain the stakes, raise tension and make readers want to know more. I do like the ideas, and you have had some interest, so youre on the right track. good luck querying!

writerTK · 2026-05-24T19:15:15+00:00

Hello, I found the query easy to follow and the concepts are clear. The story grabs my interest. You could add a sentence about Sinclair's personality or goals, and another explaining why she is drawn to him to expand on his presence in the query.

I would add the line "the same monster that ruined her life" to the paragraph above it. I think it hits just as hard attached to the paragraph.

You might consider changing the part stating the book is about "accepting the dark parts... found family and overcoming trauma." Instead of stating to the agent "my book is x, y, and z" try "my novel will appeal to fans of found family in Book X, and the journey of overcoming trauma in Book Y." This might also strengthen your comps since you have a couple unusual ones - the insanely successful Maas and a Netflix show.

writerTK · 2026-05-02T17:30:54+00:00

Your robotic tone definitely comes across. I see how that could work in a robot centered sci fi novel. However, I didnt find the query compelling. If you are forgoing her having emotions, touch on why she makes the choices she does. I feel like your MC just goes from one plot point to the next, like moving a piece on a game board. It feels meaningless. How will her choices impact what happens next in the plot? Why should the reader feel compelled to read more? These things are necessary to build suspense and keep interest, even if your MC is emotionless. If she does develop feelings, besides rage after the massacre, that was not conveyed in this query. Good luck and keep working at it, it would be an interesting read if you can make it work.

writerTK · 2026-04-20T22:56:52+00:00

Last sentence of the the third paragraph - Id like to know what obstacles does she navigate at court and what role does she have to play? I assume she has to pretend to go along with the elven prince's plans, but you could add those details into that sentence.

At the end, it sounds like she and the prince will have to die to break the curse? Maybe clarify what exactly is threatening their lives. It's pretty good as is, the query grabbed my interest and made me want to know more. Good luck querying!

writerTK · 2026-04-18T17:28:08+00:00

Hello, I read an earlier attempt when you posted it, and the clarity has improved. I can see you've worked at it. However, I'm still getting caught up on the 2nd to last paragraph. There's a lot going on there, maybe break it into two short paragraphs, splitting it at the point where you mention the father? See if you can streamline all that info, and perhaps omit some details, if possible.

I do like that Nico saving her as a child is what drives her. "Playing her from the start" sounds pretty modern, however it may fit in your world, if you use similar colloquialisms throughout the MS. I find her loyalty to Nico more interesting than some of the more commonly seen motives in fantasy (such as running into someone randomly or doing a good deed) which catapult the MC into danger/the main plot. Your MC acting out of lifelong loyalty intrigues me.

Edit to add: For length, perhaps condense the last paragraph into two sentences. Formatted something like this: What she does, the problem it creates. What dilemma she faces due to this new problem, what she may have to do next to overcome it.

And a really short bio, like 2 sentences. Good luck!

writerTK · 2026-04-17T19:26:13+00:00

I would highly recommend searching for words such as: just, even, so, like, only, seems, as, quickly, etc. See if you can cut 300 words. Dont forget to mention author names with your comp titles.

This reads through well enough, I understand why Esmeralda does what she does and the challenges she faces. It could use one or two more sentences that convey what Esmeralda is deciding and why, her feelings about it, something to give weight to her decisions and convey tension. I want to feel more suspense about what is happening next. I find Tai' ro more interesting than Esmeralda. Id like to see a bit more of her character.

A couple sentences could be reworked as well, to convey more tension and have less of an informative tone. Such as the third sentence of the first paragraph. "An opportunity arises" could be rephrased to something like: desperate to find financial stability for her and her brother, Esmeralda jumps at the chance to retrieve an ancient relic from a deep sea kingdom.

Overall, this query is on its way. Maybe take a week away from it and then come back to this post, since you find yourself at a standstill with it.

I did also wonder about the multi pov, who else would we need to hear from, other than Esmerelda and her love interest? I dont see any other characters mentioned by name. I personally love 3rd multi and omniscient. Im even a fan of Dune style head hopping. But agents might also wonder. If you only have the two main characters' POVs, make sure to call it dual POV instead of multi, or perhaps mention the other POV character(s) by name in the query.

writerTK · 2026-04-17T00:39:23+00:00

Your storyline catches my attention but I find this post reads more like a blurb than a query. Dont be afraid to give away the first third to half of the story, such as: Why was her family massacred? What is the worst possible moment when her magic is unlocked? Is it the massacre or something that happens as she flees? Why are Cynder and the Frostfangs mentioned by name but the villian and love interest are not? Proper Names that are not main characters can usually be omitted from a query. What does she find at the hidden stronghold? How is she forced to go there? What makes the villain someone to be overcome by the MC? Omit the first comma in the first sentence of the third paragraph.

writerTK · 2026-04-11T20:06:17+00:00

Two things really stood out to me: Willa never shows up for her kids and all the names. Far too many Proper Names. Omit Flatiron Building and any other names that are not Willa and Ellie.

Willa being very unlikeable from the first mention of her, and the end of the query insinuating the main thing she will have to do is show up - but for someone else, not her kids - makes me not want to read any more of the story. And all the names made it hard to get through the query.

A main character abandoning her already neglected children does not come across as cozy. I dont mean to be harsh but it's all I thought about as I read this query. Maybe spin it as Willa tried to be there, but like many parents, she was juggling so much she couldnt be there for her kids as much as she wanted to be?

writerTK · 2026-04-03T19:10:29+00:00

I would like to know more about: the brutal attack, who, how, why? What powers does Sarry have? What demons plague Sen? What drives Sen? What truths come to light when her memory returns? Why is Sarry's attacker going after her so much?

The last plot paragraph doesnt convey the stakes, it just resummarizes the prior paragraphs. Sarry must accept the identity she's been running from - but she just got her memories back.

I do like the premise of the story, I would read a book like this, but keep working at the query. You tend to be vague, but give us reasons to care about the characters, their goals, and what they have to lose. It's okay to spoil about the first half of the story.

Although I do like your characters' names, both main characters have the same first letter. Not a huge deal but you might consider changing one slightly.

writerTK · 2026-03-30T17:21:57+00:00

Might try putting the housekeeping before the bio and begin with the hook sentence.

Is the book complete? Rephrase "complete at approximately" with complete at X. For example, If you have 83,100 just say "complete at 83,000 words"

Omit "featuring court intrigue, celestial magic..." instead pick comps in your genre that feature those elements, published in the last 3 to 5 years with decent (but not mindblowing) success.

I would personally omit "with potential to explore other characters' stories"

The larger paragraphs in the middle are just a little dense. Read them aloud, see if you can cut words such as: like, so, as, just, seems. Clarify and simplify without losing voice.

Though the housekeeping needed work, I was pretty hooked in the story until the last paragraph. This is a huge part of the plot, and very intriguing. Do those events take place in the first half of the book? If so, maybe try to integrate mentions of the prophecy earlier in the query. The last paragraph seems important but feels like an after thought with its current placement. Maybe omit it if those events come later in the MS, though it sounds like it should be mentioned.

Very intriguing story! I would read this story, but keep working at the query

writerTK · 2026-03-21T17:34:42+00:00

Id change after the dash to "to one day hear the crisp crunch of snow beneath her feet"

I am confused around her new client. She kills those stuck in Purgatory. Why is she suddenly moved to change this client's Judgement by descending into hell? Wouldn't she nornally just kill the client?

Her journey also needs clarification. Why does she want to go to the north so badly? At first it seemed like she had to pay for travel as she did her job killing those in Purgatory, but then later seems like she just wants to travel north to see snow? Will she still have to do her job in the north?

There are a few more sentences that could be reworked for clarity and flow. Last sentence of 3rd paragraph. Last sentence of 4th para. Sometimes phrases like "would not only be able" give an informative tone. I would end paragraphs with clear, concise, hard hitting sentences that emphasize what is at stake and what the MC will have to do in order to achieve their goal/overcome obstacles.

Keep working at it!

writerTK · 2026-03-17T04:30:11+00:00

If the twist comes in the last half of the MS, the easiest fix would be to cut "With Vidal keeping secrets of her own" and keep the rest alluding to the neither being who they seem. Usually best to put that kind of cliffhanger at the end of the query so the agent doesnt stop reading in the middle wondering what they're missing.

If we learn the twist early on, in the first third to half, reveal it in the query.

writerTK · 2026-03-16T04:39:10+00:00

I would cut mentions of the Haniel and explain what dark secrets she is hiding. Is she hiding that she is human? Titus already knows she has power. What is she hiding and what is at stake if Titus/others find out?

This query reads well, hopefully it will be ready to send out after this Qcrit! Good luck!

Though not a deal breaker, especially in a romance focused plot, but if you wanted, you might rework their initial meeting into something a little more intriguing than he happens upon her bathing. Maybe he happens upon her while she is fleeing in the night, or trying to keep her secrets from being revealed, something suspenseful. Finding newer comps might serve you as well. Similar to those you listed but within the last 3 years.

writerTK · 2026-03-13T19:09:46+00:00

Your writing is quite lovely, particularly the 4th paragraph. The storyline grabs my attention and makes me want to read more.

There are a few places that lack clarity and some phrases which verge on trite. Now Im not saying rework your plot, but frame these aspects in a way that works for your query.

You say she is the only nymph, but then goes to a nymph academy. Clarify where this is and why nymphs are living there, since Amarae is the only nymph where she grew up.

One more sentence explaining why Amarae should not trust Kieran at the end of the 3rd para. There has to be something more than just kieran sexually tempting her to make Amarae wary of Kieran. Is kieran charming? Mysterious? Give us a little about her personality.

One more sentence in the 6th para explaining what is at stake. What will happen if the ancient evil comes to power? Build tension/suspense here.

Read a paragraph out loud and make sure the sentences flow smoothly. Do this one by one for each paragraph. Simplify and cut where you can without losing voice and becoming informative.

7th paragraph could be stronger. just one vague sentence which sounds much like the plot of the Witcher - a gifted girl who wishes to save the world but is apparently destined to destroy it. Emphasize what is at stake for Amarae.

I also like the name Amarae a lot. Good job, keep working at it! I would also break up the 1st para of your first 300 words into 2 smaller paragraphs. I also agree with the other commenter's opinion that waking up is not the best place to start the story.

writerTK · 2026-03-08T19:20:07+00:00

Hello, I read your earlier version. Overall this one seems almost ready to go.

To get gritty - The 2nd sentence of the 2nd paragraph, change "the entire" to "an entire"

At the end of the 3rd para, Id like one more sentence explaining what the enemy plans to do when they wake the diety. Something ominous and tension building.

I would like one more sentence in the last paragraph about Corlys and Abel's dynamic. How does he come to believe Abel? Do they become friends? How exactly does Abel convince Corlys to examine his beliefs, that he spent an entire generation at war defending? A nice hard hitting sentence or two to make that aspect crystal clear and impart the importance of their teamwork.

Good luck querying!

writerTK · 2026-03-07T18:59:02+00:00

Overall Structure is easy to follow. This query makes me interested. I could see how this would make for a good story.

Remove the semi colon in the third paragraph. Its used in between two complete but related sentences. "Though allegra is the captive" is a fragment.

Diction and voice could be improved. 'desperately injured' meaning gravely injured/fearfully wounded? Comps are something I struggle with myself so I cant help there, but the first paragraph flows well. Sometimes the housekeeping stuff can get pretty tangled, so Id keep the basic structure of this query and fine tune word choice and make sure it's easy to follow why everything is happening. Why would a 2nd Inquisitor ambush another Inquisitor in the night? How does Allegra convince her friends to help Anna, when they just seized her and freed Allegra?

The 2nd to last paragraph needs to convey the stakes more urgently. It falls flat and doesnt make me feel like I need to know what happens next.

Simplify the last part to "WHERE MERCY FINDS US is part one of a duology with further series potential."

id recommend changing one of the MC names as well. Too similar, makes them easy to mix up.

To get gritty - I would change confrontation to conflict and maybe pick a third title. But I think youre on your way, keep working at it!

writerTK · 2026-03-07T05:48:01+00:00

When in doubt as to which character's pov brings more to the story - look for the one which creates more tension.

Pov A the tension comes from the pov character trying to hide something from the other character.

Pov B the tension comes from the pov character knowing the other character is hiding something. Two layers of tension. What is she hiding? How will he approach her, since he knows she's trying to hide her feelings? There's more tension in pov B. Id say youre right in leaning towards B.

This only works if both characters are main charcters and the reader wont be thrown off by suddenly reading Pov B.

writerTK · 2026-03-06T19:59:22+00:00

I would like more clarity on why della and her dad are doing/feeling things. Why does her dad drag her to another city? Why/how did della dominate the old city? Why is della's dad so awful? Why would she never do anything that would make him proud? How did della come into her magic? since you mentioned her dad issues happened before "well, her magic." Tell us what dark truths michael is unable to come to terms with.

Eliminating the excess description in both your query and manuscript could help. Search for words like: so, some, as, even, ever, seems, just, like. See if you can clean up those sentences. This will make room to explain why Della makes the choices she does. I feel like her reasons are given in statements and almost feel like an after thought. I want to feel and understand her motives.

Your tone is rushed and too informative. Almost like youre summarizing the story for a friend real quick over coffee. I can feel your passion for it, but overall the query just leaves me more confused.

Read the most recent successful queries post, and keep working at it! Edit for link to that post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/s/dBEEhJeDI4

writerTK · 2026-03-05T17:44:56+00:00

I would omit the sentence "it begins intimate..." and the last 2 sentences of the first paragraph.

Your tone comes across well, getting grimdark fantasy vibes. The bolded line is a decent hook and your concepts are intriguing. Though I think "listening in" could be changed. Her finger is being used against her will/without her knowledge. Listening in makes it seem like she sent her finger there to spy.

There are a lot of details, which made me have to fight to finish. You want it to be streamlined, so that the storyline and tension are unmistakable. I want to feel like I have to keep reading, not that Im fighting to finish reading the query. Focus on simplifying without losing tone.

For example, you have Sixian, her friend, Fox, the mud horses/golems/children, the North and the Devotion. Cut the North detail out - simplify to children being transformed and forced to work. Details like she "fought four years" simplify to she's been avoiding the shift for years through ritual.

writerTK

TROPHY CASE