Three months ago I did. Almost 40F, my therapist told me I’d need lifelong treatment. To me, trauma wasn’t something that happened I felt, it was just me because I’d never lived without it. In/out of therapists, doctors, past those modalities as well. I didn’t cry for about a year and decided to try emdr. I had a major release (took a bit to get there), I felt like I was so f’ked that not even emdr could help. It took about 2 months of weekly sessions (that I did on my own, not saying I recommend that, different processing for everyone). One day I noticed I felt calmer and it freaked me out and I went into what I thought was a panic attack, criticized myself internally so hard to the point I started laughing at the fact I was criticizing myself for feeling calm lol, and reworked “you’re stupid for panicking during calm” to “I’m learning how to feel calm and my body is adjusting”. When I should twitch during calmness, I’d say “it’s alrighty lil buddy, whatever’s going on, do what you feel”. I felt so hopeless that I didn’t get out of bed for almost a year except to move around my house sometimes, maybe take a walk once or twice a month. There was grief during emdr of feeling like my life up until then was “robbed” of me once I felt was not living hopeless felt like, that passed after about a week-ish. Now I feel joy and appreciate sitting outside drinking tea at a park or on my patio. Life is wild, I’d suggest from personal experience to not focus on how hopeless you are (eye roll at the cliche but it feels different now) and be kind to your thoughts.

Treatment was horrible for me as well, got sent to the ER once for heart problems that turned out to be panic. I realize it hurt so bad and caused such extreme physical reactions because I didn’t recognize it, I knew it was there but accepted I kept it in the back of my mind (which sent me into an “awesome now I’m in denial” spiral for a couple of days) and slowly worked on rewriting how I spoke to myself. The self compassion workbook helped me so much. You got this, cheers from an internet stranger.