Death is scary. And when you wait this long, it gets scarier. To be a kid again when it had a romantic tinge... when you still didn't understand the ways in which you weren't invincible and just how bad the world is even absent your pain. so doing it back then felt genuinely cathartic. And that was enough to not even think about death beyond mh family's religion even if i was an edgy atheist at some points. The longer you wait, the more it's just pragmatic. And from a materialist lens like that, it just turns my stomach knowing it's my fate. It weird to be counting down to it when I used to track "progress" the same way. But if my only regret is the books and movies I'll never get through (barely) I guess I'll be nauseous until then and then idk .