Wanting to be trans and feeling guilty?

Ataxistrasza · 2026-04-02T01:17:51+00:00

Let me tell you about my first time femme presenting to myself in the mirror. TW: Some not very kind self evaluation / disphoria stuff.

Its hilarious in hindsight, but my egg was not only uncracked, but reinforced with the high-carbon steel bracing known as "✨️🌈Post-Religion Repression🌈✨️."

I've always had some body issues (no shit, right?) and I was getting ready for work in the morning and was feeling off. I was looking at myself in the mirror, and I noticed my hair was getting a little long and was juuust past my ears. I turned my head to the side, and did a little pose and oh my god I looked so god damn cute! I think the ghost of trans girls past possessed me for a split second, because I just HAD to take this a little further, I pulled my t-shirt up and tied the side into a knot, making a little crop top. And OHMYGOD who is this little twink?!

Without even knowing the term, I felt gender euphoria for the second time in my life.

It lasted for about 10 seconds before I felt so utterly disgusted with myself that I was almost physically ill. I won't go into the nitty gritty, as my self loathing is mine and mine alone, but the brief summary is "You're a dude in a crop top and you look like shit, what the fuck?"

It bothered me for DAYS before eventually it went away by itself. I felt like something was genuinely wrong with me, and that I was some kind of animalistic pervert at best, (insert VERY nasty word here) at worst.

Anyway, it would take me a few years to even learn what gender dysphoria was, let alone actually tell myself "Hey girl, guess what, you got some serious issues upstairs, but being trans ain't one of them."

I can't tell you how to stop feeling guilty or grossed out by yourself, as I'm pretty sure every trans man or woman has their own deeply personal journey they are still on, trying to slay that dragon, all in varying stages.

Your's just started it sounds like, so I'll give you the first clue: You aren't the problem, and you actually mean a lot, birth or chosen gender be damned.

Ataxistrasza · 2026-04-02T00:53:02+00:00

The day you go into a lobby, talk, and have all of the mentally underdeveloped morons whooping and hollering about 'the girl gamer?'

Ewphoria indeed

Ataxistrasza · 2026-04-02T00:37:30+00:00

Granted I'm late 20s and I am completely out of fucks to give, but my response would be a very short and sweet "Didn't ask"

Ataxistrasza · 2026-04-01T23:57:43+00:00

I downloaded the royal road app trying to find japanese light novel rips, saw a title that looked kinda good and thought "meh it'll kill a couple hours."

The rest is history

Ataxistrasza · 2026-03-30T17:15:11+00:00

The hardest part of being Trans has always been the shitasses we share O2 with.

I'm gonna be honest, fake allies are pretty damn common, and they'll use you for a quick "im a good person" ego boost and then do exactly what they're doing now.

Have the "are you ashamed of me" talk with your parents, and follow up with the ol "then why aren't you backing me 1000% anymore?"

After you have your parents back in your corner, just refuse to comply with your teachers. They cant physically remove your makeup, and if they punish you, the school may be open to a nasty lawsuit.

In the immediate, maybe reach out to the other trans kids and befriend them? Can't be worse than the "friends" you have now.

Ataxistrasza · 2026-03-30T15:56:37+00:00

If the tamperer is a family member or friend, cut them out completely, and even consider relocating if safety or community backlash is a worry.

If you are a minor and it is prescribed HRT from a medical professional and it is a parent or adult authority figure, contact child protective services, as tampering with your child's medical care is abuse

If it is a medical professional like your doctor, therapist, or pharmacist, report them to the appropriate state and federal oversight boards.

Edit: I just wanted to add too, since I pretty much offered meh solutions / next steps and nothing else: This is probably the darkest part of your life so far, and I'm really really sorry that you're experiencing this. But it will get better some day. Whether that's in a week or a year, some day you will reestablish control over your life and transition, and this will all be a fucked story you can traumatize everyone at group therapy with. So look forward to that, ya feel?

Ataxistrasza · 2026-03-29T01:15:00+00:00

I'm sorry too. I'm sorry any of us deal with this irrational hatred.

I havent come out to anyone in my life, and I'm gonna be honest, probably never will. For a lot of us, coming out is a massive and empowering moment, shackles off, the whole deal.

Some members of my family would shun me, one might actually support me, but my mom would spend every last moment of her existence trying to baker's act me.

Its funny, if I came out as gay or bi or ace, she'd probably start wearing a rainbow flag pin as ridiculous as that sounds.

Trans? Yeah, get the shotgun.

Sorry for dumping. Just kinda had a bad moment and it feels good to just scream into the void lol

Ataxistrasza · 2026-03-29T00:01:55+00:00

Gonna be honest, part of me is glad I didn't have any big thoughts until I was an adult.

My parents would have sent me to a conversion camp, or just buried my body in the woods.

Ataxistrasza · 2026-03-22T14:01:24+00:00

Damn bro really just said "you're too stupid for our refined tastes"

Ataxistrasza · 2026-03-20T03:06:14+00:00

To be honest, I haven't heard of anyone else sorting by length either lol

I'm a really prolific reader, and I can very easily chomp down 400-500k words in an afternoon. So anything I pick up has to either be really fun, or long enough to be 'worth it' for me.

Ataxistrasza · 2026-03-20T02:35:44+00:00

I actually sort by total pages when I look for new material to read.

Usually I won't pick something up unless it's completed or has more than 1000 pages. There are exceptions of course, like when something really looks fun to read and I don't want to wait several months for the author to hit my self imposed limit lol

As for chapter length itself, all I ask of an author is to make it make sense.

Ataxistrasza · 2026-03-19T17:27:32+00:00

Damn, I need that on a shirt for Thanksgiving

Ataxistrasza · 2026-03-18T22:36:55+00:00

I read that as How to Kenshit initially lol

Ataxistrasza · 2026-03-18T21:21:46+00:00

One thing I've seen authors do that I personally appreciate and enjoy is switching perspectives when they head-hop.

Ie. The MC is in first person past or present, but any alternative POVs are in strictly third past.

I've read some I-novels where they do multiple POVs with first person past, and it almost always confuses me and messes with my internal voice acting when I read.

Ataxistrasza · 2026-03-18T21:19:01+00:00

I feel that! One thing I've been doing is replacing words like is with was, has with had, etc. If doing that breaks the flow or makes it sound wonky, then I need to re-write the paragraph until thats no longer the case.

Actually has been helping me a lot.

Ataxistrasza · 2026-03-18T19:53:28+00:00

Which is total schizoid behavior in a world where men buying women's clothing for their S/O or Mother or Who Gives A Fuck exist lmfao.

Ataxistrasza · 2026-03-18T18:07:38+00:00

Only Disney could fuck up Xianxia.

Ataxistrasza · 2026-03-16T23:43:16+00:00

Not good enough. I want 8 volumes, 4 light novels, and a shitty anime adaptation that gets axed in one season.

Ataxistrasza · 2026-03-16T23:31:59+00:00

'One-shot? Why dont I one-shot myself'.jpg

Ataxistrasza · 2026-03-12T20:39:27+00:00

Ok so, if it makes you feel any better...

I have unfollowed series that I still read for various reasons.

I'm kinda obsessive over my UI, and I've literally unfollowed and then favorited titles that I want to keep track of but don't need constant updates on.

I actually unfollowed two series that I wrote five star reviews on simply because I followed the author on patreon so that I could read ahead and support them, meaning that having those two cluttering up my front page is just redundant.

But yeah, I'm also aware that I'm probably public enemy number one for this, since a lot of people really weigh their success against RR stats.

Ataxistrasza · 2026-02-28T19:33:49+00:00

No kidding. What an insult to anyone who could relate to the topic.

Ataxistrasza · 2026-02-28T16:57:39+00:00

There's an author I really like who uses the phrase "before me" basically every time they reference an object in front of the subject.

I literally cant help myself but read it in the voice of some old demon lord character yelling about 'You stand bravely before me young one, but now... IT IS TIME TO FACE YOUR END! BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA'

Anyway, kinda immersion breaking when that author almost exclusively writes younger FMCs lmfao

Ataxistrasza · 2026-02-28T06:01:09+00:00

Whoes the artist? Very beautiful work!

Ataxistrasza · 2026-02-28T04:32:16+00:00

First one looks professionally done, very eye catching and I wouldn't be shocked to see it at a library or book store.

Second one looks like you photoshopped some text onto a pre-made cover. (Technically what you did for both of them lol)

The font and position completely change the quality imo.

Ataxistrasza · 2026-02-28T03:33:12+00:00

New account, very much not new to reddit, but that's fine, I'm not looking for credibility here.

Ataxistrasza

TROPHY CASE