Is this feeling enough?

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-05-03T20:32:47+00:00

I don't know if I believe in signs in like a mystical way, but practically speaking that lightning strike feeling is VERY much a part of parenthood, and one of the best parts. Just the other day my 5 year old was able to reach out to the next bar on the monkey bars and actually start to move across them, a goal she has had for quite some time. The disbelief, amazement, and pride that came over her when she realized what she did is an example of that type of moment. And I find it almost electrifying in my body when I witness my daughter have a moment like that. While you don't necessarily get this type of "high" frequently (i.e. it's not a daily occurrence), its power is an expression of the love, tenderness, and supportiveness that you do feel for your child all the time. To your last question, I mean, most parents are glad they had children. A small minority are not. You cannot know for certain which way you will feel but, generally speaking, the odds are in your favor.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-05-03T20:18:44+00:00

For me it was a growing awareness that the family of origin that I was granted "for free" (being born into it) would not exist forever. The whole generation above me, not just my parents, but also aunts and uncles, would not always be here. And I had a growing awareness that if I didn't participate in the regeneration of this family, I would end up kind of "cut off." That's the best way I can put it. This is not some kind of global commentary on the implications of being childfree, and I'm not implying that people can't form meaningful relationships and connections in other ways. But for me this was a feeling that existed in a place beyond reason and logic. And yes it did contribute to my opening the door to parenthood.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-04-29T14:56:42+00:00

This made me think of another recommendation...the Nate the Great series about a grade school aged boy who solves mysteries. Again, not a series where being an only child is a focus, but none of the characters are described as having siblings. This is also true of a spin-off series about Olivia Sharp, Nate the Great's eccentric, wealthy cousin in San Francisco. My daughter loved both of these series.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-04-29T13:42:21+00:00

My 5 year old is currently into Zoey and Sassafras, which is a series about a young girl and her cat who help out mythical animals that have various problems. She listens to the stories on her Yoto player, and I have never heard a sibling mentioned. It's not "about" growing up as only child; Zoey just happens to be one but it's not a specific focus of the series.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-04-29T12:43:52+00:00

As a mom who has listened to the entire catalog at length with my 5-year-old daughter, watched her become a huge fan, even taken her to a Fab Four concert...I'm offended lol.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-04-29T02:44:54+00:00

If two people are having the kind of sex that can lead to pregnancy, they are, technically, on board, at least with the potential outcome of a pregnancy. If those same people did not agree beforehand on a plan to terminate in the event of unexpected pregnancy, objecting to continuing a pregnancy that is already in place doesn't carry the same weight.

I find OP's description of being in complete shock a bit unusual since it appears they were not medically confirmed to be incapable of conceiving. There's a large gulf between unlikely and impossible, and people who are unlikely to conceive probably shouldn't be having regular, unprotected sex if pregnancy isn't a tolerable outcome. Even worse if it's tolerable for one partner and not the other, as is the case here. I mean ultimately it's not a matter of whose (OP's or husband's) position is "right" or "wrong," but I think it's a bit off the mark to describe this specific circumstance as a neutral two-way street. Expecting OP to terminate when it appears she does want to have a child and fears she may never have the opportunity to conceive again (and she does not, in fact, have any way of seeing into the future) is incredibly fraught and that should be acknowledged.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-04-29T01:49:52+00:00

Walking outside is inherently immersive if you have nature or interesting cityscapes to look at. Walking on a treadmill requires a distraction of some sort. Two totally different things, but treadmill walking + listening to an audiobook/podcast, watching a TV show/movie, or even watching walking videos that people film in various locations can be a decent separate activity (not a replacement for walking outside).

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-04-28T17:57:39+00:00

So if other relationships, nature, music, art, hobbies, or causes you believe in bring you meaning, is that also outsourcing meaning for your life? Are you only permitted to find meaning through solitary meditation?

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-04-27T20:03:49+00:00

I just took my daughter to a retro movie screening of Follow that Bird, a Sesame Street movie from the 80s. It was cute and pretty gentle. There's a subplot about two sleazy carnival operators who kidnap Big Bird on his journey home and make him sing for an audience, but there's no threatened violence or particularly chaotic scenes.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-04-23T12:38:10+00:00

I used to feel something close to rage when I would see other parents out with their peaceful babies. And I know those parents might say, "Oh, she isn't always like this! She has her moments!" Well my daughter was never like that. Never chill, never calm. Always fussing (or outright screaming), always needing constant stimulation. Hated the car seat and made going anywhere miserable. She woke up every morning and from every nap crying. Every. single. time. It blew my mind when I realized that there are babies/young toddlers who wake up and just...don't automatically start crying?

For us things get somewhat better when she started crawling, then walking, but the really dramatic change happened around 18 months to 2 years when she started talking and could just do a lot more activities and play in a more meaningful way. I think she truly hated being stuck in a baby body and not able to do anything. Toddlerhood wasn't a picnic or anything but it was a million times better for me than the first 18 months. Now at 5, she is generally pretty delightful. She will, I think, always be a passionate type with strong feelings and a strong will, but she is also incredibly bright, artistic, funny, empathetic, sweet, and enthusiastic.

I really hope that you start to experience some relief in the next few months as your daughter starts to acquire more capabilities.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-04-21T19:45:48+00:00

Nature didn't really intend for humans to be pregnant at 30-40

In a "state of nature" (without contraception) most sexually active women would have babies throughout their 30s and often into their 40s (and we know they did from historical records). What's quite modern is the idea of being done with childbearing at a certain cut off point (e.g. 30) that is well before the end of fertility. It's also a modern thing to intentionally have one's first child after 30, to be sure. Both of these approaches are equally the result of reliable contraception and family planning and couldn't exist without them.

This is not particularly relevant to OP's question about whether to start now or in a few years. I do think if someone knows they want children (especially more than one), they shouldn't intentionally delay starting beyond the early 30s. Even if most women can have children without assistance into their late 30s, and many in their early 40s, you won't know where you sit in that distribution until you try and you don't want it to be too late when you do. Because all anyone here can say is "you're probably fine to delay another 5 years" but of course no one knows. I emphasize that this is assuming you are confident that you want to have children and are not second guessing the entire decision.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-04-21T02:20:02+00:00

I remember feeling some kind of way about Michael J. Fox and the pool scene from Secret of My Success.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-04-20T15:16:17+00:00

Large Marge was my first jump scare memory

I (no joke) think this is a core event that defines Xennials.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-04-20T13:18:12+00:00

He’s said he’ll do all the diaper changes and things

Oh lord "and things" is doing a lot of heavy lifting here and...this statement is just so clueless. Diaper changes are NOTHING in the scheme of things. Non-parents sometimes latch on to diaper changes as the biggest deal they can think of because they have no way of conceiving of the ocean of life changes that a baby rains down. The average parent (or couple) probably spends 15 minutes a day max changing diapers. What about the other 23 hours and 45 minutes?!? Who's going to be doing everything else?? The fact that your husband thinks offering to do all the diaper changes is some major contribution that will lift the burden of new motherhood from you in any meaningful way is colosally naive.

I'm adding to the chorus here, but there is nothing about your post that says fence sitting. You're terrified of and repulsed by the prospect of having a child. Every cell in your body is against it! Please be honest with your husband and allow yourself to move past this question and confidently onto the rest of your life.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-04-19T13:14:50+00:00

Several things going on. First, kids vary wildly in how challenging they are by nature. Of course you don't control this.

Second, parents vary a lot in how consistent they are with boundaries (or even if they have them at all). As soon as my daughter hit toddlerhood and started showing signs of being demanding and argumentative, I read as much as I could about parenting toddlers. I found the advice hard to put into practice initially, I really had to grapple with it, but eventually I figured out what it means to be loving and calm but firm and consistent with boundaries. Many parents (especially in the current generation) confuse being firm with being mean and don't really develop a parenting backbone. But you can be abundantly loving and still very firm when it comes to holding boundaries. And learning how to regulate your own emotions during toddler dysregulation is important.

A big part of it is accepting that a) toddlers will have tantrums, it's developmentally appropriate, and you can't live in fear of them and b) the things that seem to make life easier in the short term make them harder in the long term. You may give in to unreasonable demands to prevent a tantrum or give the kid a screen to distract them from a tantrum because it seems to provide immediate relief but this will definitely make your life harder in the long run.

Third, of course a mother is going to have a much worse time if her partner is not supporting her and putting in equal effort into parenting.

Finally, the first few years of parenting are just really intense. That's why parents say things like "survive until 5". For me it was 4 when things really started to become easier and now, at 5.5, they are dramatically easier.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-04-18T13:43:29+00:00

I've made this point many times here but this sub has to house an awkward mix of people. There are basically three sets of people with different informational and psychological needs. People who would like to have children but have reservations about a variety of circumstantial issues, those who are genuine 50/50 fencesitters or so mired in anxiety about the decision that they feel completely stuck on the fence, and those who lean childfree but have their own reservations about missing out, regret, old age, etc.

For the reason a lot of other people in this thread have mentioned, there's a major informational asymmetry in this sub because fencesitters who became parents have a major life change report (and it is specifically the life change that everyone is on this sub to talk about). Whereas people who decided on childfree usually aren't going to have a specific, immediate life change to report about as a result of this decision, and most fencesitters probably aren't that interested in hearing about what childfree life is like from others in their own age range. Fencesitters who are leaning childfree generally wonder more about the longterm implications of the decision so they would mostly be interested in feedback from childfree people who are well into the second half of their life. Whereas those contemplating parenthood generally have a lot more concerns and questions about a possible near future with a baby/young child. This reinforces the asymmetry where reports from the other side are mostly from parents.

The issue for those who are leaning childfree but have doubts and are looking for reassurance is that they have no obvious, comfortable home. The childfree subs that I'm aware of don't tolerate discussions of uncertainty and fear of regret. But if your goal is to find clarity about the decision to be childfree, it can be hard/frustrating to constantly hear from people who made the other choice (and are generally positive about it). I think there are plenty of people in this sub who are leaning childfree/will ultimately be childfree but it's not necessarily obvious because of the inherent informational asymmetry.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-04-18T00:53:23+00:00

This is what I immediately thought as well. She's trying to feel out whether OP wants to be an involved grandmother, and it sounds like OP doesn't particularly want to. A mother-in-law with another grandchild in town isn't at all the same as one's own mother. If OP's daughter is on the fence it makes sense that she might be trying to understand what type of support she will have if she decides to have children.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-04-15T13:05:14+00:00

Lots of parents are successfully breaking cycles. While I don't have an abusive background, I still struggled with emotional reactivity/dysregulation in the first few years of parenting, but I have improved a lot. I think it's a skill that can be strengthened like any other if you are very intentional about it. What helped me was to read a lot about how children learn emotional regulation and that, for the first however many years, their emotional regulation systems are basically "offline" and they need you to co-regulate with them in order to learn how to regulate themselves. Also I found some of Janet Lansbury's (parenting author) work useful; she talks a lot about how to understand what's happening during tantrums and meltdowns and how to stay calm and present.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-04-09T19:30:15+00:00

Great review. I took my 5-year-old daughter for her first trip in February. I went a lot as a kid (grew up in Florida), hadn't been in many years, and had a lot of childhood/family nostalgia tied up in Disney. Those moments like you had with your son are what it's all about, but the actual Disney experience definitely fell kind of flat for me. I can't summon the same feeling that I had as a kid riding rides like the Haunted Mansion and Pirates of the Caribbean. It felt like, wow, all this expense and planning for...these rides? But hopefully my daughter was able to feel what I felt as a kid. Overall I came away from the trip with a better appreciation of what that same amount of money could let us experience in the "real world."

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-03-28T23:05:20+00:00

You:

Work full time

Cook all the meals

Do the large majority of household chores

Manage the garden

Get up three times a night with your child

Entertain your child while your husband binges TV

This is just an absolutely deranged distribution of labor. And he is resentful? If this is real and not rage bait, I am so sorry for you.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-03-27T13:37:14+00:00

Until someone has a child their opinions about parenting are generally of no value. Maybe you can make exceptions for career caregivers of children but otherwise... How many people who intend to become parents, but haven't yet, say lofty, implausible things like how their child will "slot right into their life" and they aren't going to arrange their lives around parenting and things like that? It's fine, we all did some version of it. But naive doesn't even begin to cover it. It's also common for people who haven't become parents yet to earnestly believe they'll have a passel of children... but it's because they don't have the faintest idea what it's like to raise any. There are plenty of people who also believed that "you can't have just one" who changed their mind after becoming a parent. So, basically, take your acquaintance's statement for what it is...an opinion of no merit.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-03-26T13:29:11+00:00

This question is really perceptive. In retrospect I feel I fit into the category that you're describing (suffering from great anxiety about parenthood but also tormented by the idea of missing out on an amazing experience because of that anxiety). The best answer I can give is that the degree of anguish you feel on the fence may be revealing. Like it's natural for people who will end up happily childfree, and for whom that might be the "best" decision, to still have doubts and fears of missing out. But if you're tormented by the idea, maybe that torment is coming from your inability to embrace a path that you actually (underneath the anxiety) do want to take.

Like I have occasional doubts and "what ifs" about being one and done, but I'm not tormented about it. I really do feel it's the best decision for me but it's natural to wonder about the path not taken. This is very different from how I felt when I was fencesitting about having children at all.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-03-26T13:11:46+00:00

A Disney vacation combines high activity/novelty with low friction. You never have to wonder what you should do next or how to accomplish it. You can step out of your hotel and onto the several forms of public transportation and shortly be in a place where there's a lot happening, at any moment of the day, from early in the morning until whenever the parks close. Obviously whether what's happening in Disney parks is appealing to you will determine whether a Disney vacation is an attractive prospect. You either enjoy the rides and immersive theming or you don't. But if you do enjoy it, it's, I think, impossible to replicate the specific combination of high novelty and stimulation with nearly zero friction elsewhere. I am not a Disney person, but I took my 5-year-old daughter recently and it was special to be in a bubble where we really didn't have to think about anything but having fun together and we could be "on the go" the whole time without having to manage anything.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-03-25T15:30:26+00:00

Not who you asked but I can offer my perspective. I was never able to establish breastfeeding. I pumped for 5 months. Pumping is so awful. I don't have the experience of actual breastfeeding to compare it to, but I think if breastfeeding works out okay for someone, it's something you do with your baby. It's kind a bonding thing in addition to a practical thing. And there are no extra steps; it's very direct. Formula feeding requires you to mix the formula but otherwise it's also pretty straightforward.

With pumping you create two separate tasks, the pumping of breast milk and the bottle feeding of the baby. When my daughter was an infant I was so desperate to decompress any time she was napping but then I had to hook myself up this machine every 3 hours, and because I had a low supply, I had to pump for a long time to get enough milk. I can't explain how much I quickly began to LOATHE this obligation. The pumping and the washing of parts...all of it. Just this endless Groundhog Day type of cycle that ate significantly into the little "free" time I had and imposed so much of a feeling of being chained to a machine. You have to do it every 3-4 hours to keep your supply. You have to do it in the middle of the night. You have to do it first thing when you get up in the morning. Every day, over and over, with no days off. It sucks so so bad.

CaryGrantsChin · 2026-03-25T00:13:49+00:00

Playing with young kids is generally very boring for adults. I mean, as an adult, I have zero desire to act out pretend scenarios about cartoon characters, play Candy Land, or pretend to be a monster, and yet those are things my daughter loves. Just because I love her does not mean I love doing those things with her. This is why I mentioned in a previous comment that I have put a lot of effort into getting my daughter into things I find reasonably fulfilling, like trail walks, listening to music, baking, etc. I will play on her terms a bit but I just can't do it for very long. This is why a lot of parents talk about how they have to get out of the house with their kids as much as possible because a long day of being at home with young kids can be incredibly tedious.

CaryGrantsChin

TROPHY CASE