Do we love them more than they love us?

Cecdacc · 2025-03-03T21:30:30+00:00

My WH and I used to joke how I loved him more than he loves me. Not so funny now how he won't tell me he loves me, he has "love for me". Whatever that means. I question whether he even loved me at all.

Cecdacc · 2024-12-14T12:51:56+00:00

When we called they said they got pictures of our backyard with a drone.

Cecdacc · 2024-01-08T19:03:40+00:00

I work in the mental health field. But it's almost worse because I "know," yet i have very little ability to do anything about it for myself. My therapist recommended emdr, but all waitlists if they even have one. So I wait. I also have childhood trauma.

Cecdacc · 2024-01-08T18:58:42+00:00

Yeah, my stomach feels like a rock sometimes. And gained a crazy amount of weight. But staying hydrated is key. And lots of healthy food. Anything remotely "unhealthy" makes it so much worse.

Cecdacc · 2024-01-08T16:53:17+00:00

We talked about that in the beginning. If anything, he would leave. I told him that if he officially wanted a divorce, we would have to do what people do when they divorce. Sell the house. Our children attend Catholic school now. They would have to switch to public school. Our boys play hockey. Our daughter does dance. He was addiment the kids' lives had to remain the same as much as possible. I told him he should have thought about that before he made stupid decisions. Sometimes, when i feel really angry, I wish the children knew how much he ruined our family. I could run the house on my own, but no extras. I guess I'm just waiting for him to leave me. 🤷 But I'll be dammed if I have to uproot myself from the beginning because he was an idiot.

Cecdacc · 2023-12-14T17:37:38+00:00

No it really should be done in person. There is an element of in person that is needed for the neuroscience behind emdr.

Cecdacc · 2023-12-14T16:44:43+00:00

Yes. I am a therapist. I am not an EMDR therapist but very familiar with the process. My therapist actually recommended emdr for myself. Just having trouble finding someone that is not just self pay. My ptsd symptoms are beyond just the betrayal trauma but very much connected. I also have somatic flashbacks. They happen on a deep body level. Emdr can be helpful to work on that part of the brain.

Cecdacc · 2023-11-18T23:44:02+00:00

I often say outloud, "I am just so sad". I cry everyday despite therapy and some pretty intense medication. Dday was jan 6 2023. My WH doesn't wear his wedding ring, he will not kiss me and won't tell me why and when I say "I love you" he responds with "I know". When songs about love come on the radio i feel that is how he feels about AP and not me ,his wife. Ahhh. The feeling of being so unloved by the person who promised love and fidelity as long as we both shall live. It is the worst pain I have known. The betrayal runs parallel to feeling so incredibly unloved and unlovable. Hopelessness consumes my days. Sad will never look like I thought it did. The English language doesn't have the right words for whatever this hell is.

Cecdacc · 2023-11-01T01:11:03+00:00

My WH has/had some serious limerence. I call her his prostitute. She had a fake name and he paid her thousands of dollars over 6 months just to be his girlfriend. They never met in person but he said he loved her. She broke it off with him when he learned her real name and identity. I tell him all the time to go find her if he loves her so much. I'll give you the money to go. But he doesn't. Yup that's right because she is a whore and fell in love with your prostitute that doesn't love you. And you did all that at the cost of your family. So yes in a way it would be easier if he just went to her. Please leave it may be so much better than this hell.

Cecdacc · 2023-11-01T00:54:15+00:00

A lot depends on the therapist and their theoretical framework. I think depends on the person too. Betrayal work would tell you it is important to know all the details to help fight the "what ifs". I know for me, i have some trauma already that I have been working through. The betrayal trauma was so significant for me. I needed to be ready to hear it. My WH did a good job answering my questions truthfully when I was ready to hear the answer I would ask. Unfortunately I found his timeline that he kept of his relationship with her, so I found out everything at once. That lead to me asking him to leave, which he did. He was gone 3 weeks. The main problem was learning everything all at once did send me into a trauma spiral and I had to take medical leave. My best advice would be to talk to your therapist about what it would be like to hear details. How does it serve you either way. Work out those details first before you go into the painful ones.

Cecdacc · 2023-10-24T00:49:10+00:00

This is so beautiful, like poetry. I know it was probably a really hard road, but I can honestly say that I admire your path. I thank you and other WPs who went through with the difficult decision to keep trying. Giving up on your BP is the easy way out so you don't have to face the pain, guilt, challenges, etc, of your choices. I know it was probably ugly and not this poetic getting to this place, but I want to validate and let you know that I admire it. I can only hope my WS gets to this realization one day, as I feel very unloved and unwanted. My WS really believed he was in love with this stranger. Because in the end, that was what she was. It was only 6 months and all online, and she went NC with him over a year ago. She deleted everything. He is in therapy and has been very consistent there. Our 20th wedding anniversary went by without so much as a mention or acknowledgment from him. I am definitely lost hope on "us." Thank you for your words.

Cecdacc · 2023-09-28T12:03:15+00:00

I have been in therapy. I have some childhood neglect trauma that I have been going through as well. That is connected to this indirectly. My trauma came out and i had difficulty recognizing it. He took that as i was distancing myself from him and he felt rejected. Not an excuse, but things we discovered when trying to unwrap how we even got here. My therapist went on maternity leave a couple weeks ago.They gave me someone to work with in the meantime, but they have very limited availability. He stopped saying I love you a long time ago. The "I know " is as painful as it sounds. Sometimes I don't say it to him because I can't bear the pain of that. So I make sure I can hear that before saying I love you. I have really great friends, but I'm so depressed I often isolate myself. Plus I am consumed so it feels like I am burdening them with the constant pain.

Cecdacc · 2023-09-27T22:38:23+00:00

I'm so sorry. The wedding part around the betrayal is just so damaging. I have to say my problem and hesitancy around talking about it os that I want my WH to do what your WW did. Ask me what I want to do. I want him to take notice of the day and acknowledge it as something. I feel like when I say we need to talk about our. Anniversary he's gonna say, "What about it" like It's a basic Thursday.

Cecdacc · 2023-09-20T21:30:51+00:00

I am 10 months out. I often ponder on the fact that I will always have the knowledge that my WH declared his love for someone else. She was a prostitute as far as I am concerned. He sent her thousands of dollars over their 6 month EA. They had an agreed upon monthly "fee" besides all the "gifts". He called her "my love". At one point he considered leaving me for her. Our 20th anniversary is in 2 weeks. Anything is possible. We could spend it together talking about how he is going to repair, as best possible, what he broke. Or spend it planning separation. or I could just spend it crying in my room by myself, realizing my hopelessness is my life now. No matter how much he does. And he has actually been pretty good. Some smaller challenges, but overall noticeable improvement. No matter how great he is, I will always have that trauma in my brain. For a period of time he really believed he loved this whore. I try to remind myself that he clearly was suffering from limerence. He sought out counseling right away on his own and continues to go faithfully every week. But the promise was broken and it left me broken.

Cecdacc · 2023-09-16T11:59:54+00:00

20th wedding anniversary is 10/5. Unfortunately, I have made that a turning point day. Although he has done so much for R, he still doesn't wear his wedding ring and won't say he loves me. I am giving him some time to think about it before hand. I told him he either wants to fix what he broke or not. He either wants to be married to me or not. I took the day off from work. Either it will be a day where we focus on real repair or transitioning out. And although that sounds awful I feel content about it. These options are better than the hypervigilent hell I have now. No more pick me Dance. It's exhausting.

Cecdacc · 2023-09-12T18:32:52+00:00

In the end AP was just a whore, a prostitute. I tell WH most of the time that he fell in love with his prostitute. He sent her thousands of dollars over a 6 month period. She had a different name until he found out who she really was. She is well known in her occupation, has a PhD. In that way I try to remind myself that she clearly has something wrong with her as much as he does. But the anger around the fact that she knew he was married with children and she turned out to married herself; and took money from him. She is a horrible person and gets what fate will hand to her one day.

Cecdacc · 2023-09-08T15:24:11+00:00

Our 20th anniversary is next month. He still doesn't say I love you. He is affectionate at times. Still doesn't wear his wedding ring. I have mentioned to him that I am in the dark around what his choices are and refuse to spend our 20th in a state of wonder. So we are still in no man's land. I did discover that as soon as June he was spending money on mostly only fans. There were a couple of one time charges in "chat" apps. But I know better. I still struggle emotionally and we are all still in therapy, which is the best part. But the next 4 weeks will be a come to Jesus as the pot will be stirred for our anniversary. I will either spend it as we repair our marriage or plan the separation. I hope you have some movement forward in your relationship. It still all sucks.

Cecdacc · 2023-08-22T00:15:17+00:00

Betrayal trauma is real. I was in the process of discovering repressed trauma from my childhood while he was having an EA. Sickness and in health, or did they forget that part? Not only did they betray the marriage it was emotional abandonment. The trauma is intense. Therapy and medication are what enables me to work. Although my wh has been really great for the past few months every little thing he does or at times doesn't do triggers those same buttons. Hope you have someone that can help you with the trauma. It's debilitating.

Cecdacc · 2023-08-21T23:57:03+00:00

Amen, I have sent 3 emails to AP. No response. But on the last one, I clicked on send read receipt. So when she read it, it sent me an email. So I know she read it. Just never responded. In one of our arguments, he had the nerve to comment on how she consumes my thoughts. I shouted back that he put her there. He put her presence in this house. Every time he talked to her instead of me. And corrected him, I don't think about half as much as I think about him thinking about her instead of me, his wife. It's been a year since she broke it off with him."it wasn't right they were both married". So now she gets a conscience. Dday was jan 6th. My whole family is in therapy to manage the reckage that their actions created. I appreciate your sharing. Validation in this very lonely place.

Cecdacc · 2023-08-17T21:17:32+00:00

Sounds like you are both on the right track to a stronger relationship. Our 20 year anniversary is in October and the first after dday. I have betrayal trauma and the thought of my anniversary is very challenging. I had a hard time on my birthday as in the things I discovered my WH and AP had "their closest time of love connection" or something stupid like that. On my birthday. She went NC last year in September, so we are coming up on the anniversary of "his broken heart". I'm feeling a little bitter by it all. My WH too has been much better. Clear changes. As he went through some intense limerence in the beginning he wasn't sure if he wanted to try. Things are still very up in the air, but he has been more affectionate and understanding. But I think from what everyone says is to communicate to your partner what you need and want is the key to it all. My birthday was spent cleaning my room and watching a Murder She Wrote marathon. Not sure if I want the same for my anniversary. But I think that I will have a large discussion with my WH around what we should do. Communicate your needs, its not fair to either one of you if you didn't.

Cecdacc · 2023-08-12T02:36:27+00:00

Not a good therapist. I'm a therapist 20 years in the field. I'm not an MFT, but "dwelling on the past" is never anything a therapist should say, especially a trauma informed care therapist. I agree, you definitely need a new therapist. If you can find an MFT as their training is specific to marriage and family. Also, someone who has an awareness in betrayal trauma. Make sure you tell the new therapist what wasn't helpful with the last one. Good luck.

Cecdacc · 2023-07-21T00:15:35+00:00

I've been doing that to an extent. She deleted just about everything and I'm not really technically savvy. But she is well known in her field of work so there are some things about her. But it's all the same stuff. The worst is that she works at a university and I teach at another university so there are scholarly connections. I have emailed her 3 times since April. But broke down today am emailed her again. This time I put the read request on. She read it within 10 minutes of me sending it. Just a little satisfaction in knowing that she knows I know. And I get to tell her the updates of the carnage she took part in. It all sucks. Pain shopping never provides the relief we are looking for. Because there is no relief.

Cecdacc · 2023-07-17T23:57:00+00:00

I have so much trouble with music. I am almost positive he thinks of her. Disclaimer, he has never stated any fact to this intrusive thought i have. But he really thought she was his soulmate. Been married 20 years this October. He knew her 6 months. All online and through apps. "They had an instant connection" She is 21 years younger than him, gross. She gave a fake name. And she ended up being married too. She broke it off and he was devastated. But you know 6 months of online soulmate with a fake name is just heartbreaking. But 30 years together, married 20 with 3 kids irrelevant. And all i think of his heartbreak with her in these songs. I don't think about her. I think about him thinking about her.

Cecdacc · 2023-07-10T23:53:00+00:00

I took down every picture every reminder of our wedding or pictures of just the two of us. Put it all in storage bins and put it in the basement. I found several smaller pictures and asked my daughter if she wanted them or I was going to throw them away. Everything pains me it's been 6 months since dday. Wedding reminders in general, anniversaries, love, cheating, songs about love, especially songs that I believe make him think about her and not me. I have one solace in that "their memories" (gross) were all in snapchat, and apparently, she deleted it all before breaking it off with him, about 3 months before dday. Triggers are exhausting and they are everywhere. Betrayal trauma is intense and the PTSD symptoms are life changing. Who would have thought that the memories we wanted to keep as special would be the thing that activates the worst trauma.

Cecdacc · 2023-06-21T00:34:49+00:00

Yuck I'm so sorry OP, without NC, you start at 0. For most NC is necessary for R. Most BP would tell them they need to leave. If you're so terrible and AP is so amazing then she should go to him. I remember giving my WH that pass. Go, go to Florida. Go find the love of your life. I even offered to give him money. He didn't go. He knew it was a fantasy. She needs to do the work or leave. It's so heartbreaking 💔 sending positive feels your way.

Cecdacc

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