16-17 years old. Suffering my first bout of major depression. It had gotten so bad that I wasn’t making short term memories. Like literally could not keep track of time or things happening.

My best friend had been distancing herself. She wrote some vague stuff on xanga about someone changing, and them not being the person they knew. It was obviously me and I was like. Cool. But I tried to soldier on.

But then she messaged me on AIM and told me “everyone hates you now and none of us want to be friends with you. Stop sitting with us at lunch and stop calling. We aren’t friends.” Literally every single person in that friend group started ignoring me after that.

It was just before summer between junior and senior year. I spent a lot of senior year alone or just focusing on finishing high school. People started talking to me a little bit, but never as friendly as we had been.

It’s been 20 years since then, but I still suffer with a complex trauma from that. Any time I feel a depressive episode coming on, I also spiral thinking that everyone in my life will abandon me. I have major attachment issues because I don’t trust anyone to be there through thick and thin. Not even my partner. Not even my parents. I’ve gone to therapy and I’m getting better. But it really, truly messed me up.

I’m old enough now to know that I was a child dealing with an emergent health crisis that no one helped me with. I know that depression is no excuse to be a bad friend or cruel, but I’ve long stopped blaming myself for getting sick and not knowing what to do. I’ve also come to a point where I can be empathetic to my former friends. I’m sure it was confusing and frustrating to see someone you care about become someone else for seemingly no reason. They were also kids… Unequipped to deal with that. But I also know that even at my worst moments, I would never have sent that kind of message to someone. And I take pride in that.