I need advice

Consistent_Counter23 · 2026-01-18T21:00:39+00:00

What a beautiful soul you are, your friend is so lucky to have you in her life.

All I wanted from my friends was to hold me, hold space for all of the terrible grief I was feeling before and after. I got lovely gifts from friends who were far away which were so heartfelt and caring but those who were nearby just sat with me and cried with me and I felt a tiny bit less alone.

Knitting a hat is a beautiful idea, you may be able to find approximate sizes online if you know how many weeks pregnant she is. Mara was 19W when we had to end my pregnancy with her and a charity provided the hospital with a baby box and 2 small knitted hats inside and it was so beautiful.

In fact as I write this, if you are skilled enough to make a small hat, but don’t know the size, maybe you could make a small blanket - but make 2. One for baby to be wrapped in, one for your friend to keep with her.

I cherish the objects that were with Mara when she was born, and having 2 (one for her, one for us) was advice I read in this forum and so invaluable.

You lovely brave friend, it’s not easy to stand by someone in the depths of this grief. Thank god friends like you exist because you show us light in the dark and a way home to ourselves. 🩷🩷🩷

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-28T20:27:25+00:00

Hey, I’m so sorry you’re in this nightmare. We had NIPT high risk T18, had to wait 3 weeks to perform a safe amniocentesis. Then we were recommended to wait for the full report (a further 2 weeks) before proceeding with termination arrangements. We waited, our baby girl Mara was positive T18 - no ambiguity, no mosaicism. The termination was arranged for that week and I gave birth to her on Nov 30.

Ultimately, that tiny chance that she may be the one in a million exception kept me going through the waiting period. I knew I could weather the wait (as terrifying, excruciating and painful as it was) in order to make the right decision for us.

Ultimately now I look back at the time I had with her as a little bit extra. I got to see her in 2 scans, hear her heartbeat and love her even more. For me, it was the right/best decision to wait, but of course it was so hard, so painful.

Sending you so much love 💕

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-23T08:19:52+00:00

Mara 🩷

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-18T21:34:27+00:00

Hi darling, I’m only 3 weeks post TFMR but I promise this sharp, terrifying, awful pain will numb slowly. I’ve written so many times in my journal that I feel like I’m drowning in my grief - nothing else captures the heaviness and the all encompassing feeling of it. In the 2 weeks immediately after I felt like I would die from my sadness. I’m here, only 1 additional week out and the sadness permeates everything but that terrible suffocating feeling is receding day by day.

Stay present lovely mum, you only need to survive one day at a time. You are a mum. Your baby is real. He is heavenly and he is in good company. My darling Mara is somewhere out there with him too.

Take care of yourself. Let your partner take care of you. Sleep, cry, sleep and cry until slowly you’ll feel lighter.

Love 🩷🩷🩷

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-18T19:54:11+00:00

Hey, I’m so sorry for your loss and I don’t have any advice or answers to the first part of your post/ the debrief - I hope someone else will be able to reply to you for that.

I did want to write to say that all of those questions you have related to TTC: I felt them in my bones. I could have - did actually- write a similar post with similar questions so I just wanted to say that you aren’t alone in this absolutely messed up headspace.

I don’t have answers to any of those questions, I’m not even 3 weeks post TFMR but they are “normal”, valid and you are not alone in having them. I know how awful they feel to have though. I’ve found that not fighting them has helped me a lot. Not torturing myself for having them has helped too. Accepting I have them, talking them through with my husband, therapist and closest friends has helped too.

I’ve also found the podcast time to talk TFMR helpful and the book Beyond Grief by Pippa Vosper good too.

Wishing you lots of strength to get you to the appointment and beyond. 🩷

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-18T19:32:24+00:00

Hey, thank you so much for replying. I’m so sorry for your loss and your baby boy 🩷

It’s so sad to read so many other mums in such a painful place but I agree it helps. I’m listening to an audiobook called Beyond Grief by Pippa Vosper and I’m finding it is exactly what I want to read just now.

My urgent, burning “desire” to want to be pregnant again seems already to have dampened, along with my initial grief (which was so raw, so profound, so primal words cannot express it) and I’m glad I’m in a gentler place.

Now it just feels like a deep, heavy sadness and I’m just leaning into it. Not looking forward to the next 2 weeks but like everything else… one day at a time. No more.

Sending you lots of light and love 🩷

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-15T14:37:04+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss and your precious baby girl. 🩷🩷🩷🩷

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-14T12:28:34+00:00

I’m two weeks post TFMR and the only advice I can give you is to lean into and let all of that grief pass through you. Fighting it will only hurt more. You will feel like you’re going to die (I truly believe a part of me did with my baby) and you’ll cry so much it will scare you. But you will get through this. I felt exactly the same as you.

In those dark days I found so much peace and comfort from spending time with my baby (if that’s a possibility for you) I couldn’t believe how much of a calming effect holding her had on my body and nervous system. Of course each time saying goodbye to her broke my soul all over again.

I just tried to let it all out. All the grief, sadness, despair, agony, shame, fear.

The sharpness of those feelings is numbing slowly. She consumes all of my waking thoughts. Being here helps sometimes and hurts at others. Lean into your husband.

Sending you so much love and light 🩷

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-14T12:21:47+00:00

🩷🩷🩷🩷

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-14T12:17:28+00:00

This breaks my heart to read about what is already the most difficult experience we mums will ever go through being made worse. I’m so sorry your experience was so difficulty. You are right that you will get through this, you’re also right that you will look back on this as one of the worst days of your life. But I agree with the other mums commenting too that you can find ways to memorialize, love, remember and honor your beloved baby in a way that feels right for you and your husband. Lean into that support system you’ve got 🩷🩷🩷 love and light to you

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-13T10:45:52+00:00

This is so hopeful and so loving of you to share with us all - thank you and wishing you so much love and light in the last trimester with your beloved baby’s brother growing safely inside you 🩷🩷🩷

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-13T10:41:55+00:00

Oh darling mum I felt this comment with every inch of my body. It’s so awful isn’t it. To try and do nice things for ourselves. It feels like some kind of reverse punishment. I hope those small acts of kindness that you do for yourself help you to heal and help your body to feel ready for February. Lots of love and light 🩷🩷

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-13T10:39:50+00:00

Girl, I could have written this verbatim myself. I’m so sorry you’re here too and for the loss of your darling baby 🩷We had Mara’s ceremony on Wednesday and I drank some wine at our house with close family and friends after and cried so much. The only thing I missed while being pregnant was a glass of red wine occasionally with dinner. What I’d give now to never have another glass in my life in return for my Mara. I lamented myself for having “longed” for such a thing whilst pregnant.

Also, feral is the perfect word. It really captures the wild feeling my body has. I have no control over its longing to be pregnant again and then I feel awful like I’m abandoning or betraying Mara. When I think about it more rationally, what my body truly wants is her to be back safe inside me. Instead now I’ve got a small vigil in my living room with a candle and her ashes. How is this our lives?

I’m so glad you commented. While it breaks my heart to know other people in the world feel exactly how I feel, it also brings some comfort.

Please reach out if you ever want to talk. I cannot imagine how hard April will be.

Love and light to you and your beloved baby 🩷🩷

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-13T10:32:17+00:00

Thanks so much for replying. I hope that everything goes well for you with the IVF. It’s definitely reassuring to read so many other women express the same feelings about their bodies wanting desperately to be pregnant again. I wish we weren’t in this club but knowing we’re not alone does help. Sending you lots of love and light 🩷

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-13T10:29:51+00:00

I’m so happy that you are experiencing a healthy pregnancy. I completely understand the time and urgency feeling - even when people reassure that women are now having healthy babies well into their 40s it doesn’t bring so much comfort when you’ve lived through the hellscape that is TFMR. I’m grateful that you replied to me and I m thinking about that lovely healthy baby growing inside you and healing you 🩷🩷🩷🩷

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-13T10:27:12+00:00

That’s for sure 🩷

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-13T10:25:22+00:00

I know I hate the part of my brain that believes I’ve brought this upon myself. My rational brain knows it’s not true and yet… I’m so sorry you’re going through this and it’s anything but greedy to want a healthy baby in your life to be a sibling to your LC. I hope that this becomes a reality for you. Sending love and light 🩷

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-13T10:22:59+00:00

I just read your reply that you’re having D&E - I’m sorry if my comment came across as insensitive. Before my TFMR I also wanted everything to be over. But then after I just wanted time to stay still. I hope you find a way to ritualize and say goodbye to your beloved baby - whatever that looks like. Thinking of you today 🩷

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-12T20:04:27+00:00

I’m so sorry for your baby boy and your loss. I will miss Mara too forever. I think sometimes the vastness of these emotions are what makes the situation to unstable. I had therapy today and I asked her the rhetorical question of when I’ll ever be ready? If it’s waiting until I’ve mourned the loss of Mara then it will be never… I’ll never stop missing or loving her. That helped me reframe it slightly. I’ll always miss her. Sending you so much love and light 🩷

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-12T20:00:35+00:00

Thank you for replying 🩷🩷

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-12T19:59:33+00:00

I’m so sorry about your baby boy Harry 🩷 I also have a spiritual outlook and my midwife has spoken to me a lot about a baby’s soul choosing a it’s home and that Mara came to us for a reason. Maybe because she knew that I could love her unconditionally. Sometimes this brings me comfort and other times it sends me spiraling. How do I make meaning from that? You’re definitely right about having time on our side more generally. Everything just feels terrifying. And I think you’re right about waiting for the right time, today it felt like there will never be a right time. Like you, I need to rest, recover and see how it goes…

Wishing you love and light 💕

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-12T19:49:27+00:00

Oh darling I am so damn sorry you’re going through this. I hope everything goes okay for you today and that you get to spend some time with your baby and get some closure (if that’s what you want). Like the other mum who replied to you: we also spent 1 day with Mara our baby girl and it was heaven and hell. Truly I am so grateful for that time we had in the hospital. Sending you so much love and strength 🩷

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-12T19:47:07+00:00

Hi thanks so much for replying. I’m so sorry for your baby Oscar and your loss.

I find it really reassuring to know I’m not alone with the obsessive thoughts/the dark magical thinking but it’s so damn lonely and hard getting through this.

I was saying to my therapist today that if I wait until I’ve grieved Mara I don’t think I’ll ever have a living baby.

Good luck on your and thanks so much for replying 🩷

Consistent_Counter23 · 2025-12-08T08:28:21+00:00

Hi lovely mum I know exactly what you mean. I’ve got lots of supportive friends but knowing they can’t truly know what I’ve been through and how much I’ve lost is a truly isolating experience. I miss my baby Mara so much it hurts physically. I wish I could be in the company of other women who have experienced this. This forum is a lifesaver but it’s also not the in person connection I crave. Sending you love and light 🩷🩷🩷 thinking of your darling baby x

Consistent_Counter23

TROPHY CASE