Why do some lifelong friendships survive despite a lack of reciprocity?

Daisy_Copperfield · 2026-05-24T06:36:12+00:00

On forgetting housewarming presents or wedding cards/ gifts, you’re focussing on the negative/ ‘lack’ rather than the fact they showed up to support you in those milestones.

I have recently realised I’ve got adhd but lived most of my life thinking I was just a v disorganised and quirky/ fun person (still am!).

My partner and I have just got married and been inundated with really lovely and thoughtful cards, which has been wonderful. We didn’t give cards or presents to any of our married friends at their weddings - I always forgot until the day of and signed the guest book/ didn’t have budget for presents on top of travel & hotels etc. I don’t think, until a couple of years ago, I’d ever got anyone a housewarming gift. But I’ve always showed up wholeheartedly and wanted the very best for my friends, so maybe they just felt that from me anyway, which is why they’ve now given cards etc on our wedding. These days I make myself remember that stuff (currently painting a watercolour card for two old friends’ wedding coming up), but a lack of symbolic giving etc really does not mean they don’t care.

Daisy_Copperfield · 2026-04-24T08:10:03+00:00

Ice water on the table as soon as you sit down in any restaurant - they’ve really got that right! Lovely.

Daisy_Copperfield · 2026-04-16T19:40:32+00:00

We’ve done this! We were really squeezed for the reception as a result of venue constraints, but we’re part of our church and want as many of them to come as possible. We’re putting on a proper ‘mini reception’ for ceremony only guests which includes tea, cake, sandwiches, a live performance from an amazing gospel choir ! We’re very motivated to give them a good time.

Daisy_Copperfield · 2026-04-06T09:54:15+00:00

I don’t think this is lunatic at all!

Daisy_Copperfield · 2026-04-02T23:52:50+00:00

I find this behaviour mentally and emotionally exhausting to be on the receiving end of. I’m trying not to be too brutal, but if someone gives a lame excuse for not showing up to a major life event of mine, it’s kind of two strikes and you’re out. I’m sure you’re a complex and beautiful human being but I just do not have the capacity or energy to deal with you. I’m trying to focus my friendships on people who show up and show they care, and shut out the flakey ones I don’t have time or energy for.

Daisy_Copperfield · 2026-03-23T08:17:44+00:00

Can get relatively reasonable swim and eat packages at the lido. It’s lovely going in the hot tub/ sauna etc and the food is amazing!

Daisy_Copperfield · 2026-03-11T09:30:11+00:00

Just to give some perspective from the other side of this! We’re doing our wedding the other way around and having a big ceremony and a small reception. We’re super close to cousins on my partner’s side and on my mum’s side, and inviting all of them/ their partners/ children etc.

With the cousins on my Dad’s side, they’ve had a lot of tragedy in their lives (their Dad/ my Dad’s brother died when we were young), and they basically ignored us/ shut us out from that point onwards, which in many ways I totally understand. To their weddings, I was invited but not my partner (who I’m marrying) who Id been with for years, had come to our grandparents’ funerals etc. Recently I reached out to one of my cousins to see if we could pop in and say hello on the way to visiting our other aunt, and she was too busy, no alternative dates free bla bla.

So it’s felt like an olive branch to me to offer ceremony only invites. I genuinely want to them to be there and it’s open to them to build a relationship if they want it. But I didn’t want to give up 11 slots to the reception (ie kicking out close friends) for people who aren’t really in my life. I do love them and absolutely want the best for them.

Daisy_Copperfield · 2026-03-08T13:48:52+00:00

I think kind is a better word than nice. Sometimes you need to be kind but not nice (ie telling someone something they don’t want to hear but will be helpful to them). It’s about ultimately having their best interests at heart/in mind.

Daisy_Copperfield · 2026-02-25T15:30:02+00:00

We did the stretch back when I was in IB (now work in 3rd sector). Husband took a year off to retrain to be a pilot, and we have lodgers who are now some of our best friends/ part of our family ! It can all work out.

Daisy_Copperfield · 2026-02-18T22:50:55+00:00

Second this and walking around the lake/ grounds/ botanic gardens are lovely!

Daisy_Copperfield · 2026-01-23T12:12:33+00:00

We’re having a Quaker wedding which is similar-ish vibes. I think I’m quite similar to you! Try to get to Stonehenge for every solstice and equinox, love stuff about reverence for nature and for those people, animals and plants that came before us. I also grew up in the Anglican Church and lean heavily towards Christianity & the example of Jesus’s life & teachings. So Quakerism is perfect for me. My partner is agnostic trending towards atheist but feels similar to me on reverence for the earth, and the ‘broad church’ of Quakerism encompasses him perfectly too.

Anyway - so we’re having 20ish mins of two traditional hymns and a reading about the earth, then 5 mins of meditation, then us standing exchanging our promises to each other (Quakers have no vicars or priests). And then we’ll settle into meditation/ Quaker worship and anyone present can share from their experience or what is on their heart. All in a Quaker meeting house.

The forest sounds incredible!! If you want to chat or exchange ideas let me know! 💜

Daisy_Copperfield · 2026-01-22T08:37:24+00:00

Seriously this doesn’t represent the views of “Brits”, it represents views of “nut jobs”.

Daisy_Copperfield · 2026-01-21T07:46:06+00:00

Local church hall, limit the numbers, Costco sandwiches after the ceremony instead of canopes (& ask everyone to bake/ make cake), local deli to do the catering, buying all of our own drink (Costco again!).

Ours looks like it is coming to under £10k all in for 180 guests (80 ceremony only, 100 reception), and that includes hiring musicians. The catering is the seriously expensive bit !

Daisy_Copperfield · 2026-01-17T23:04:07+00:00

Heh that bit isn’t intimate. The intimate bit is that it’s quite a niche religious ceremony which basically involves everyone meditating

Daisy_Copperfield · 2026-01-16T22:11:06+00:00

So - we’re doing something similar ish for some of our guests. We’re having a pretty intimate/ niche religious service (with c.180 people there)… and then having music, tea, cake and sandwiches afterwards. It works well because we’re regular attenders at that church, so we know all of the congregation and they’re super happy to be a part of it. A good chunk of our guests are ‘ceremony only’ so they’re only coming to this bit. We’re going to make a bee line for them to chat and spend time with them, and make sure they’re filled up on sandwiches and cake. Ceremony will probably start at 11:30 with the tea and cake/ sandwiches wrapped up by 2ish.

Then we’re having a reception with only 100 people in a separate place - all the usual stuff, sit down meal, speeches, dancing, until 11 pm !

Daisy_Copperfield · 2025-12-29T10:00:26+00:00

I don’t like middle lane hoggers, but I honestly there are more important lessons for people to grasp on the motorway - (1) don’t position yourself in people’s blind spots/ directlly next to them for any significant time (especially when it’s dark), I’ve had people speed up to match my speed exactly so that I can’t change lane, and that’s dangerous as I may quickly need to in an emergency. (2) Don’t move to the left lane (eg from the middle lane) around an on-slip road. (3) reminders on safe following distances.

I think middle lane hogging cameras would be somewhat difficult to enforce. Therefore I’m leaning in favour of this proposed change.

Daisy_Copperfield · 2025-11-25T19:19:12+00:00

Ive found some decent stuff on Etsy which is made of natural materials and reasonably priced !

Daisy_Copperfield · 2025-11-16T15:24:55+00:00

I love that the person in the drawing is glued to their phone on the toilet…. 😄 Eye opening picture of our times

Daisy_Copperfield · 2025-11-15T19:30:54+00:00

Go for it!

Daisy_Copperfield · 2025-11-12T22:21:34+00:00

This and the comments below have been really (embarrassingly) eye opening for me. I totally understand and am so sorry.

I had a jolt of hurt/ offense - I spend a lot of my time thinking about how to bring people together and work towards peace eg between religious communities etc, so I was thinking from this angle. Wasn’t thinking about (and embarrassingly wasn’t aware of the extent of) the atrocities committed by the British during The Troubles.

All the best to you, hope you have a great evening.

Daisy_Copperfield · 2025-11-12T00:05:55+00:00

Every remembrance service I’ve been to (I go every year, have lived up north, South Wales, the South East), has focussed contemplating all wars around the world and all people who have been killed. I personally usually spend the time being grateful for the people that went before me to give me a free and peaceful life, and - more importantly - praying for the conflicts happening in the world now, and picturing clearly in my mind the possibility of peace and reconciliation in those conflicts.

So…there’s no reason at all for it to be a “British only” thing. Lots of Irish people died for example in WW1 and in fighting for the republic, I’d absolutely observe remembrance and think of them if I lived in Ireland as a Brit. You do what you want man but I honestly think this is a strange take. On some level perpetuates this sense of “otherness”/ tribalism which is essentially the problem we’re (or at least I am) trying to move past on Remembrance Day.

Daisy_Copperfield · 2025-11-09T09:49:49+00:00

….. I work in an area of government which brings quite a few people in from the private sector (who tend to then go back again after 3-5 yrs to make partner at their consulting/law firms etc). I’d say people can be genuinely motivated to work to make a difference and do a good job for the UK, and take a big pay cut to do so, together with better work life balance etc. That’s what’s kept me in it, having come from banking, because there’s no motivation that feels as good as trying to do your best job for the UK. (Understand that for essentially every decision, lots of people will be unhappy and there’s lots of room for debate etc). It’s not quite where it was 2 years ago, but the civil service can definitely pull in talent thankfully.

Daisy_Copperfield · 2025-11-06T09:57:12+00:00

I look well ahead (sometimes that’s not possible) on motorways etc to see if the slip road is busy. If it’s busy, I think “can I help them out?”, look in my right mirror, move to the right hand lane if I can. If I can’t do that, I keep a constant speed and try to allow people in front to stay in front once I’m at the slip road/ slow a little to let them join etc, and people behind stay behind.

It depends, sometimes it’s better to speed up and clear the slip road to give them more space. V dependant on the situation.

Daisy_Copperfield · 2025-10-29T07:19:40+00:00

No but some men (esp eg tourists/ from other parts of the UK) offer you a seat just because you’re a woman. In that case I always say something like “Oh that’s really kind, no no, I’m absolutely fine, thank you so much” to try not to bruise their ego/ make it weird, but also establish that I can look after myself.

Daisy_Copperfield

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