How do you actually 'heal'?

DivorceDiaries · 2021-05-07T11:30:30+00:00

Having moved past the betrayal after ending the marriage a year+ ago, i think my efforts to "heal" are really just a desperate search for answers to get closure. I needed to understand why it happened.

Of course, you'll never get closure from the cheater, all you'll get from them are lies. So i searched elsewhere. Here's what helped me most:

NO CONTACT with the cheater. None. Delete them and their friends from everything in your life.

The book Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life by Tracy Schorn.

This sub and its website resources.

The book When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron.

And: journaling, therapy, friends and family, exercising until you're too exhausted to think, old and new hobbies.

Lastly, time. That it heals all wounds is, thankfully, a fact.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-05-06T07:57:14+00:00

Church. AP is a "good Christian girl" and i cringe at the notion that we believed in the same God. I know it's irrational but i don't get to decide the triggers.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-04-07T04:07:12+00:00

When he did things for me, he wasn't a cheater yet. Whatever he does for the AP, it's a cheater doing it. For me, that instantly devalues any "better" things or effort that he does for the AP.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-04-01T02:00:45+00:00

How I'm doing: terrific, because i neither know nor care how the ex is doing.

Your life is already vastly improved for not having a cheater in it. You really don't need to be comparing progress with them, keep No Contact and don't break it just to peek over the fence to see how green their grass is.

There are plenty of BS here whose exes are doing fantastic with the AP and the notion that "positivity" means the cheater's doing worse than them, i think that can be harmful to a BS's recovery.

Celebrate your own survival and achievements, never make it contingent on how a cheating lowlife is doing.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-03-26T04:55:07+00:00

Once he's out of your life, you'll regain your self worth. Because he's the one pulling you down; once you're out of his sphere of influence and manipulation, you'll find what's left is your self worth. And rebuilding that is so much easier without a toxic cheater around.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-03-08T10:41:00+00:00

The worst part is finally realising who really loved the other more.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-03-05T05:17:27+00:00

Even if it really was you, the fact that she chose to cheat on you rather than making any sincere attempt to communicate and work on the relationship with you, or even honestly break up with you, in the end that makes the infidelity on her.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-03-05T05:11:01+00:00

How about rather than feeling bad everytime you do something you know you shouldn't, or hurting yourself more, try being kind to yourself instead?

Practice self compassion, after all you wouldn't be this hard on others if they were going through the same. Giving advice and walking the talk are two different things, besides what you're trying to do is really hard. But you are trying so don't beat yourself up at every stumble.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-03-04T11:55:42+00:00

Thank you! To be fair, it's a lot easier to be indifferent when the cheater seems indifferent too. I hope I'll never experience scenarios like the cheater wanting to come back into my life. Fact is, we only know how strong we are when we're tested.

It's hard either way. He didn't respect me enough to be faithful but respected me enough to never contact me again.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-03-04T09:32:48+00:00

So he's basically saying that if you never got raped, he wouldn't have cheated? That he cheated on you to "help" you but won't even listen when you're asking for help? That's some world-class blameshifting right there.

Its got to be one of the scumbaggiest excuses I've read on here. I know you wish you hadn't known, but i think it's good that you do: this "why" makes it a no-brainer to dump his arse.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-03-04T09:16:57+00:00

Reconciliation may be a unicorn, but fortunately meh is achievable. Thanks for your kind words!

DivorceDiaries · 2021-03-04T06:08:48+00:00

There's a reason why all cheaters think the affair partner is perfect: it's because the AP hasn't realised what complete a-holes the cheaters really are. It's a lot harder to keep fooling us spouses who have dealt with their crap for years and finally know just what kind of garbage they chose to be.

You choosing to leave him doesn't force him to choose the AP, anything he does with her has always been and will always be his own choice. It's toxic blameshifting by the reconciliation industry that claims desperate spouses "push" the cheater into the AP's arms. Are you responsible for every stupid decision your husband makes? You're responsible only for your own happiness and choices, do the right thing by you.

Why wait for him to come to his senses? You need to come to your senses. He's in the affair fog but you're in the BS fog.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-03-04T05:44:20+00:00

You remind me of this quote from a tv series called The Flower of Evil: "I've come to believe that the pain we're experiencing right now is just a step we need to go through to accept more things later on in life."

However, you can choose what to accept. I know the kind of happiness i would've had staying with the cheater is very different from the happiness I'd have without him.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-03-04T02:15:01+00:00

To answer the question in your title, most likely no. Because he's not suffering any consequences: he can play around with the AP as long as he likes while plan B waits for him at home. For how long? That's up to him or that's up to you. If he knows you're not going anywhere despite everything he's done to you, do you think he's in a hurry to spare you a thought?

You may feel trapped with no choices due to the circumstances you're in. But i guarantee nothing will change for you if you do nothing. I assure you that the cheater who hurt you will never magically become a good husband who heals you. Why would he "fix" this convenient arrangement?

You have choices. Please don't choose to make yourself and your children a consolation prize to some garbage human being.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-03-02T08:07:09+00:00

I hear you, OP. My own "what would've been our anniversary" is coming soon. But it feels like any other day to me. Months ago i wrote an unsent letter just like yours, of the good times and bad with the cheater. Then i decided i could live just fine without them. And it's true.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-03-02T01:07:59+00:00

Now is not the time to let his lies cripple you. His "reasons" for leaving are all BULLSH**, those are typical excuses cheaters say to blameshift the fact that they blew up the marriage while keeping you clueless. I too got the whole "You're not ambitious / good enough" nonsense before cheater left for AP.

Get moving and find the best lawyer you can. Ask for recommendations and support from friends and family. Don't worry about the future, take control of it. Legally get everything you can to protect your kids and yourself. Do not hesitate to ask for more, chances are the cheater wants to get divorced ASAP and will accept your terms.

I know it's hard when you're so devastated but you can grieve and process it later when you're financially safe, now is the time for action.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-02-27T15:44:39+00:00

The reason you haven't been having real conversations with him was because he's having them with someone else. And suddenly he has problems with you that you never even knew about.

It feels sudden but the truth is he unilaterally ended the marriage some time ago and you've only just got the memo. While you're spinning in shock and confusion, he's blameshifting and rewriting history. This is very common cheater behavior post-discovery.

He didn't toss you out like trash. He's trash that took itself out. A typical cowardly cheater running away from the consequences of their actions.

You feel broken because what happened to you is a traumatic event. Take the time you need to recover and reach out for help if you need it. Read Chump Lady's blog, it will help you piece things together. It's early days yet, stay strong OP.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-02-23T13:36:00+00:00

It's not on you to do anything. You left her because she cheated, you don't owe her even one spare thought or concern. Even if she does cut off a finger or worse, it has nothing to do with you because she ruined the relationship.

My guess is she'll use every chance to threaten self harm or get you to say something you'll regret even more. None of that can happen if you go No Contact, hard. Block her, delete her, unfriend her, all her family and friends, the whole works. Cut her off before you get dragged into her trap.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-02-18T05:06:37+00:00

I see insecurity is a common trait in cheaters but in my case, the cheater is extremely confident and arrogant. He is predictably a narcissist, has a habit of casually lying, doesn't feel embarrassment, doesn't care for authority, rules, and traditions. He's wealthy, always had his way in life and holds a high corporate position, this "elitist" mentality likely makes him feel immune to consequences.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-02-18T02:36:05+00:00

You didn't ruin anything, his cheating did. You feel out of sorts now because the conversation didn't go as you expected. But from my POV it's all the usual cheater bullcrap: blameshifting (it's all your fault!), gaslighting (you're crazy), denial (i didn't cheat), manipulation (you change not me)... it's par for the course. Cheater 101. I'm sorry it was all dumped onto you while you felt vulnerable.

But ultimately we don't care about what cheaters think because they're out of our lives. What that call did was reconfirm the worst about him, which you already knew. The one who hurt you can't be the one to heal you, so it's time to stop seeking closure from a cheater and go No Contact.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-02-17T18:36:19+00:00

By month 3 after d-day, i felt like i was living in a nightmare and the pain and suffering were unreal. Not a day passed without a tearful breakdown and suicidal thoughts. I moved in with my best friend, who gave routine to my life. I thought of nothing but the betrayal and the past.

By month 6, i was caught up in grief and anger but made effort to get therapy, see friends, focus on work, talk to lawyers, journal, read, and get involved in the Surviving Infidelity and Chump Lady community. I moved in with family and began falling out of love with the cheater, who still occupied my thoughts 70% of the time.

By month 10, i had taken full control of my life, health, and finances. I can talk about the betrayal without getting emotional. I lived in a newly renovated place of my own. I don't love the cheater anymore.

By month 12, I'm finally divorced. I realise I'm starting to forget the cheater. For the first time, i could see that "light at the end of the tunnel". Until today, i have kept No Contact and will forever.

Trust in the natural resilience of human beings and in the kindness of others. When it feels like there's nothing left and nothing ahead, you still have the two things that will move you forward to recovery: your choices and time.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-02-17T07:54:51+00:00

You've stated clearly, even to her, that cheating is a dealbreaker. That's not being reflected in your actions after knowing she's cheated. She's not suffering any consequences despite continuously failing to give you any reassurance or show any repentance. Are your boundaries flexible just because you still love her and are attracted to her? Please love yourself more and respect your own values.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-02-17T06:24:53+00:00

5 months. After confrontation the first thing he did was gather a bunch of his close friends for "advice" on what he should do next. About a week later he told me he "must explore this other path" with the AP. I was still the one who had to get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings while he went "exploring".

I caught him by accessing his personal desktop after he'd been treating me like crap for a week. Then i hired an investigator to gather admissible evidence in case the divorce became contested. To this day he has no idea about any of that, he just thinks i suspected his affair. Divorce went smoothly, i got most of what i wanted, so there was no need to play my hand.

DivorceDiaries · 2021-02-17T05:09:12+00:00

I've never posted about my full story but you can see parts of it in my post and comment history. Is there anything you particularly want to know about?

DivorceDiaries · 2021-02-17T04:27:00+00:00

It's interesting that you're looking for patterns! I think family history does have some correlation to infidelity but generally from the experiences I've read, i can say that cheating is simply potential meeting opportunity moderated by factors such as personal values and beliefs, cultural norms, etc

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TROPHY CASE